Missing My Mom

[laura1971]

My MOm/best friend died on July 5,2001. I feel like I am stil in shock. I haven't really been able to deal with things-I cry at everything. How long am I going to feel this way?
She was only sick for three months before she died and it was totally unexpected. She got sick on my youngest birthday and died the day after my oldest's birthday. I hate that she's not here.I hate that she smoked for 30+ years and died of lung cancer!!!!!!!!! I miss her soo much,things come up with the girls and I just want to ask her for her advice and she's NOT HERE
Does anyone know when this will start to feel better?!

[glh]

My mom died when I was 37 (8 years ago) of ovarian cancer. She was 59 years old. She also was a life long smoker. I have had two more children since she died. I miss her the most when I would just like to talk about, ok brag about, my kids. I mean who else really wants to hear that stuff? My oldest just graduated from HS and is going to college. I never imagined she wouldn't be there for that, she would have been so proud of him. The first year you are kind of in shock, the second year you are filled with sadness. Eventually the day to day sadness does get better, but of course you will always miss her.

[Greaseball]

I don't know exactly when it feels better...now, over a year after my brother's death, I am a little more functional. I don't cry every day. But it's not exactly "better." Some people tell me it never gets better, you just have more good days in between the bad ones as time goes by. Also, I thought maybe when the time he wasn't here is equal to the time he was, then things would be better. He was 20, and I was 2 years older, so I only really remember him for the past 15-16 years. And it's already been a year...

I hope that doesn't depress you even more. Some people say it only takes 6 months to "get over it;" I think that's really misleading.

I also think my brother was responsible for his own accidental death. It was totally preventable and I'm really mad at him for that.

[Alenushka]

not the same

My mother, Laura was her name, died over 6 years ago suddenly. She fell of a balcony in Russia. I never saq her body. I never got to comfort her.A part of me died completely. Does one get better, yes, kidn of, after grievening and some therapy I am functioning and I had another child. But will I ever be the same? NO. Even if I could I would refuse. Nothing is ever the same again because she is not her and the wound just scars but never closes. I still feel very sad around her birthday and death aniversarry.
You will get better as far as shcik, probably. after years pass, acceptance comes. If you have time, read war and Peace by L.Tolstoy. The chapter where he describes what Natasha feel after death of count andrey was very helpful to me becuase it validated my feeling. he talk a lot about death and loss of loved once in this great novel

[Nankay]

Oh, Lord..I SO know how you feel. My mom died this past Christmas after a LONG battle with ovarian cancer. I can truly say I feel more day to day pain than I did when she died 7 months ago. Why is that? I thought things would get better, but I too find myself crying over "nothing". My MIL died exactly one year before my mom so I have NO older wiser woman to share with.....No one to brag about the kids too! Grandpas are ok...but it's just not the same...
I have been told I am rushing myself...maybe so.. but this day to day weight of sadness is exhausting!

Feel free to email me!

Nancy

[momoftristan]

I am so sorry about your mother, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my father 10 years ago to bone cancer, he never smoked and had the occasional drink. The cancer started in his nose and throat and then spread to the bones, it was from second hand smoke. All his friends smoked. I had just turned 17 a couple of months before his death and when he died a part of me died to, I was his little girl, I did everything with him. I still cry and I stil get angry. It's ok to cry and be angry. Death of a loved one is never easy and never forgotten, but you eventually learn to live with it. It does take time. Just remember the good times and of course how she lived not how she died.
Lots of love, my thoughts and prayers are with you and to everyone who has lost a loved one.

[PAflower]

I completely understand. My mother died three years ago. I still miss her terribly. Since she died, I have changed my whole lifestyle (cloth diapers, home birth, vegetarianism, homeschooling) and I want to talk to her about it so much. I want her to know my children. I am still in the grieving stage of mad. I am mad at her for not taking care of herself (smoking and stress and shitty third husband). She could have been around longer is she had taken care of herself.
Anyways...I completely understand.
Sorry for blabbing!

Heather

[claire]

me too

My mum died on 9 Jan 2000 and it's still really painful. I was 27 she was 58. She also died after only being sick for three months with breast cancer, guess the worst thing was they were treating her with chemo and gave us a whole heap of crap about being able to put her in remission and then she got pneumonia from the chemo stuffing up her immune system and we spent three days waiting to see if she would pull through.
Agh.
My own thoughts about when it gets better? Guess for me, it seems it doesn't get much better but you get used to living with the sadness and it dulls a little, the pain isn't so raw, so all consuming. But I would give a million dollars to have my mum back, she was wonderful. She never got to meet her first grandchild who was born 1 year and 1 day after she died.
My heart goes out to all of you. Losing someone you love dearly sucks big time.

[rudemama]

My mother died last month July 16, 2002. She was 62 . It is so sad i lost my dad to hodgkins disease when i was 8 . now I feel the pain of the loss of both my parents . I cry all the time. She died of a heart attack. Last year she had been very sick with complications from another heart attack, she was in the icu for 7 weeks. We were so glad to get her home because i know she hated being in the hospital. I would joke with her and say "next time you have a heart attack we are going to put you in bed give you a drink(she was sober) and say good night just so you won't have to be in the icu and be hooked up to 20 machines."Well she just went on her own I was at the beach where she would have wanted me to be not at mass gerneral...i was relieved for her in the beginning and that gave me strength for the service and everything else but now i miss her and seem to have no strength.

[kelly]

I lost my mother suddenly when I was 15 (Sept. 8, 1984). Eighteen years later, and I still cry when I go to her gravesite. The pain from day to day becomes bearable, but when the person you need most isn't there anymore, it can become overwhelming. You're not alone in your loss though. There are many of us here for you, especially on the rough days. Best wishes to you.

Kelly

[Kirsten]

My story is very similar to Kelly's. My mom died when she was 41 (Mother's Day 1984) - I was 14 (eldest of three kids - sister 10 and brother 6). Our dad had already died at age 39 on Mother's Day 1982. It sucks beyond belief. You have to go through the entire grief process. It takes different amounts of time for everyone. Have a support system - have people who knew her that you can talk to. At first you will just cry every time you think of her or talk about her - that can go on for years. But eventually the sadness lifts. The bummer thing is that people are nice (ask how you are doing - give you a hug - say something nice about your mom) for about six months then society seems to forget they existed. Of course you know that is not true. I had the greatest parents in the world. I had a wonderful childhood for 12 and 14 years with them. That time was a gift and I am so lucky to have been born their child. (OK, now you've gone and done it - I'm crying....)
Anyway, do what feels right to you. Keep looking at family photos and talking about your mom - even if it makes you cry. That is OK. The length of time you grieve is not equal to your love for that person. Your mom would not want you to be sad forever. For years, I had a big old screaming, crying, on the floor fit every Mother's Day. I think I deserved that! After about ten or fifteen years of that, I didn't need to anymore. I can most times even go to the cemetary without crying. Yes, I miss them. It breaks my heart that they never saw me graduate high school, or college, or get married, or have children. But what they gave me in childhood will carry me through the rest of my life. Do what you need to do to grieve but after that you will find a way to remember the good times and not be too sad. Having good parents is such a gift. I am so very thankful for the 12 and 14 years I had with mine. I would not trade that for anything in the world.
Kirsten

[momma22]

I agree, it does get easier, but never goes away. And there will always be times when it is harder than others. And there will be times where it is easier.

My mom died 8 yrs ago, my dad 5 yrs ago. Both were sudden. Mom lingered in a coma 9 days (one day for each of her children to make peace with it).

After my mom died, my dad told us not to say 'goodbye' to her, but 'good night' because it wasnt' like we would never see her again. It would just be awhile before we did. AND he told us that she hadn't really left us - that we need to listen for the 'gentle whispers' and we would hear her.

After he died, the day we were to spread his ashes (like we had mom's) my sisters' answering machine went off while she was getting ready for work - (Now, my dad died in October... my sister's anniversary was in May) and it played the message my dad left for their anniversary - telling them how much he loved them and he hoped they had a wonderful day. My sis said that message was on the OTHER side of the tape! So much for the 'gentle whisper'!! But then, my dad always had such a strong voice. And when we were on the homestead (where we scattered the ashes), there was a HUGE double rainbow - on a perfectly clear day!

They wanted us to know they were together and everything was OK.

Do I still miss them, even knowing all that? YES! Some days it is still unbearable. But I know that if I really need them, all I have to do is STOP, QUIET MYSELF AND LISTEN. I will hear what they are telling me. I am going through a really rough time with my ds right now. and I need my mom... but i just have to listen - and she will help me through this.

OH.... ONE MORE THING... my dd, whom I have always dreamt about, came to us on my parents wedding anniversary last year! I know who sent her to me! when she was about 5 months old, she pointed to a picture from my parents 50th wedding anniversary and smiled!! and she knew where to 'find' grandma and grandpa without being taught that is who they are! She still goes to the picture and kisses my mom!

So don't ever doubt that she is still with you. She is. My heart and prayers go out to you.