Feeling like an outsider

[RainbowMom]

This is probably more of a vent than anything....I don't think there's any answer, but I'm curious if anyone else has felt this way...

I've been homeschooling my kids (13,6) for 2 1/2 years now and am finding that my friendships with the parents of some of my son's schooled buddies is faltering. It feels like these friendships between parents, which I always felt were relationships in their own right, separate from the kids' friendships, are glued together by the school experience. So much of the getting together and discussions involve what the kids are doing at school, what's going on at school, etc. If I'm not invested in that and don't have much to say about it, it seems there isn't much else to talk about a lot of the time! I eavesdrop on group chats with moms at the beach, parties, etc and so much of what is said is just all about school. We've even not been invited to get-togethers that we used to be invited to, I'm sure because of not having schooled kids. Not that anyone is discriminating against us consciously, but I wonder if just the fact that we don't send our kids to school makes people uncomfortable. I don't even talk about homeschooling with schooling parents unless they specifically ask me, and then I always just try to emphasize how much we enjoy it, not knock school. I know there's more to talk about it in the world than school!

Did I just not notice this when my son was IN school?

So, I guess I'm just grieving the loss of these friendships that I thought were deeper than they really seem to me to be now.

Oh well, thanks for listening, and if anyone has something to share, I'd sure like to read about it.

Blessings,

[hahamommy]

{{{Beth}}}
I too am feeling isolated and alone in my homeschooling venture, but mine stems from being new in town and being overwhelmed by the hs-ers I've met. I've also been hearing the "school talk" 'round the parks and such, it seems that life really does revolve around the institution of school far more than we'd like it to (or like to admit it does?).
I've also felt the faltering friendships of my dd friends' parents, especially after DH died. Just when she needed to have her friends around and have some normality to her life, the adults decided they couldn't handle *me* (okay not me, but definately my situation) and she was left virtually friendless with a freaky, grieving mommy. We managed to make it thru the really tough times, even found new friends, but it still hurts... KWIM?
Work on a new mantra, "I will not take it personally, I will not take it personally" It helped me heck, still helps me.
Good luck finding moms you can relate to, even if your choices aren't the same

[anythingelse]

I just typed a long post but realised how personal it was and feel uncomfortable putting it out there. SO here goes a second try lol
I have been in your shoes and periodically in my life have lost some of my circle of female friends due to things like breastfeeding, homeschooling, marrying my dh, my religious beliefs, sometimes my just plain getting older & needs changing.
Each time I had to acknowledge to myself that these women I had grown close to, were not truly 'friends' but other mothers I had something in common with and when that mutual connection was altered, the friendship was not strong enough to continue on it's own. My friends seem to fall into 2 groups, one are people I have known now and been friends with at least 10-20 years and the other is a set of women that change as I change over time.
That last set of relationships I had made were not natural ones where we enjoyed each others company so much and evolve through time, but ones that we had a common interest and once it was gone (for example the moms that had kids in my kids public school class), really the rapport died and it turned into a friendship that might have continued if I had worked on it and tried to connect with that person if a different way, but I chose to let those people go out of my life.
I think what you have posted is common and it is natural to grieve the loss of a group of women you have enjoyed being with.
I also have a 13 year old that has public school friends. My fear for him is this- he has friends that are 'summer' friends and when school starts they seem to ditch him and forget to call, they want to talk about things going on at the ps and have homework so can't hang out as much. I am really curious how he is going to react to this fall.
Mary
mom to 3 boys 13, 8, and 5 and dd 2

[lilyka]

When your child is in school thier whole life really does revolve around school. I mean think about it, they get up and get ready for school, go to schoool, get out and do after school activities that are school related (band, sports) get home and do home work, have supper and go to bed so they can get up from school the next morning. Especially middle school and up have no life outside of school. The MS kids I work with have at least 2 sports seasons and band going on at the same time and 4-6 hours of homework a night (school district says 1/2 hour per class per night. 7 classes a day, plus practicing an instrument. These kids are rutienly up till midnight doing homework only to be back at school by 6:30 for track. Twelve year olds! ) So it makes sense that all the parents would talk about is school. When you are with them jump right in o the conversation. Are they worried/concerned/angry about the school situation? Ask them to expand on thier feelings. Do you worry about this too? Is there a common thread here between HS nd PS? Have thier children done something good/are they proud/ excited? Praise whatever and mention something wonderful your child has done.

Perhaps you could nurture these friendships one on one. In that environment it is sometimes easier to change the topic or even say "I don't feel like we have much in common in this area. Lets talk about __________" This could be an oppritunity to take not so personal relationships and turn one or two into deep meaningful relationships.

What really gets me is suddenly people have started asking me if we were still going to hoimeschool this year. Like it was a fine option to play preschool but now that we are leagally required to register I might start acting normal and sign her up. I don't think my friend relize how much thier lack of faith in me and my ability to make a good descision hurts.

[khrisday]

I have experienced this as well. I don't take it personally, I don't think they are trying to discriminate against me because I homeschool, it is just that we have lost our point of common interest. Like somebody else mentioned- school or homeschool is a lifestyle choice rather than an education choice. It is very envolved, and cascades into the rest of your day and life. We went through a big loss as my son's friends all went off to public school and he stay6ed at home, but we have made new friends with other homeschoolers. Some of the moms that we met through schooling, I will retain friendships with for many years, I am sure, others will fall by the wayside becasue we never really had a strong bond.

I don't think this process has anything to do with you personally, if that helps.

[peggymom]

Hi all,

I found this discussion to be very interesting. I too have lost what I perceived to be friendships when my life has continued on a different path from people whom I have felt close to. I also can relate to the separateness that seems to emerge between those who homeschool and those who don't.

I agree that many friendships are based on the lives and interests of our children. As a mother who is homeschooling and "public schooling" simultaneously, I definitely have seen a pattern emerge in the way I am treated by other moms who have made siimilar or different choices than myself. Most notably, I have found it very difficult to relate to most homeschoolers (although I have homeschooled - among my 3 children - a total of15 grade years - i.e. 7 years for one, and 4 years each for my other two). I have found that most homeschool parents are so determined to justify their choices that they unwittingly belittle and criticize the PS's, PS parents and PS children. Case in point, my son attended a birthday party at age 11 of his very dear homeschooled friend. At the time he was attending PS. He was told by one of the HSed kids that he felt sorry for him because he had to go to school where "all of the kids are so mean"

In addition, my daughter has a 16 year old homeschooled friend who refuses to befriend anyone who is not HSed.

At this point in my life, I must say that I count among my friends more moms who are PS parents than HS parents even though I have a 4th grader that I am homeschooling (and will continue to do so for as long as it is appropiate for her). What really amazes me is that so many intelligent, enlightened adults who would never in a million years permit their children to prejudge others based on religious, sexual or ethnic differences, neglect to offer this same tolerance toward the PS parents and their children.

Homeschooling requires enormous sacrifices of time and energy AND FINANCES on the part of the parents. I understand that when we homeschool we need to validate this decision and to provide ourselves with the comfort that it is all worth it (and it really can be!!) However, I believe this can be done in a way that does not denigrate the decisions of other parents or the PS teachers who really, truly care about the children that they nurture.

[ekblad9]

When we started homeschooling last year I was eliminated from our neighborhood playgroup. They just stopped inviting us to things. My best friend still went. She eventually stopped going also because the women spent much time talking about me and the horrible disservice I was doing to my kids. One neighbor even went so far as to call me several times, I didn't answer (we were eating) so she came pounding on my door. She was hysterical and couldn't stop yelling at me for the horrible decision that I was making. A couple kids were no longer allowed to play with my kids. People don't understand what they don't know. I think sometimes it's intimidating and they think that you think that you're better than they are.

A year later, the neighborhood continues to have birthday parties, 4th of July parties, etc. and invites everyone but us. I could care less but my kids are hurt by it. Therefore, we are moving. I hope the new neighborhood we live in will be more open minded to what we are doing and why. I have never said a bad thing about public school. My father was a PS superintendent for over 30 years. My brother is a teacher as is my SIL. I went to school to be a teacher. I don't homeschool because I'm anti public school. I homeschool because it feels right for our family. It's a shame that more people can't understand that.

I'm sorry that I wasn't helpful. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I do have about four or five wonderful friends. None of which homeschool but we still get along. Imagine that!!!

[RainbowMom]

Wow! I guess I'm very lucky not to have been treated so horribly as ekblad and others I have read about who have received similar treatment. But you did hit it on the head for me when you said, sometimes I think they're intimidated and they think I think I'm better than them. My sense is that with these particular people that is at least partially the case, I think there is a bit of a longing on some of their parts to HS but they don't really want to or believe they can, so they do feel a little insecure about it.

Vanna's Mom, I hear you about your 13 year old's summer friends who ditch him in the fall. This has not exactly happened with my son's PS friends, but it is much harder to get him together with them because of their extremely busy schedules, homework, etc., as lilyka was saying. Fortunately he has made some good HS friends and seems to have found a happy balance. He does wish he could spend more time with his PS friends but understands that they would if they could. Could it be your son's's PS friends aren't really ditching him but are on overload from day 1 of PS?

Thanks, all, for your empathic responses. It's just good to know that other have experienced the same sort of feelings. Part of too is that I'm transitioning on a deeper level as the result of maturing and energetic work I've been doing for a few years. I'm getting ready to experience much different and deeper relationships, I think, and have to let go of some older ones on some level at least. Change is so.............different!

Blessings,

[Arduinna]

I haven't lost any friendships over my decision to HS. But us being a HS family has changed my friendships with some people. My best friend which I have known since Jr high, most notably. She and I rarely discuss school issues. She doesn't feel comfortable complaining to me about her kids school experiences. I think she feels less than because I HS and she doesn't. She's very defensive about her choices, repeating again and again that she just couldn't HS. I have never tried to get her to HS, so I now it is her own insecurity and has nothing to do with me. It's sad though.

We moved after we started HS, so I think it was easier. I think our neighbors just think of HS, as who we are. We've always done it as long as they have known us so it isn't something "different" to them. Just part of our identity.

I do think that it's natural to have relationships fall away when we no longer have that commonality to bring us together. I'm not friends with all the same people since I got married and had a child either. Some of them are still leading the single life of going out and dating. They don't understand my priorities have changed, so we don't value the same things anymore. Their dating sagas aren't that interesting to me.

Change does hurt sometimes though.

[ekblad9]

"We moved after we started HS, so I think it was easier. I think our neighbors just think of HS, as who we are. We've always done it as long as they have known us so it isn't something "different" to them. Just part of our identity. "

I'm really hoping this will be the case in our new neighborhood. We're moving to an "intentional community" and it's all being built right now. We'll all come in new and not knowing anyone. I hope that we can start fresh there.

[berryMO]

You know I have felt a little of this but lately since the PS kids are on summer break and frequently board I have
felt like the neighborhood Mom.
I don't see or talk to the parents much but when I take my kids out for walks we frequently have 1,2 or sometimes 3 neighbor hood kids join us.

They come over 10 to 12 yr olds and play with my 2 and 4 yr old and eat popcycles on the poarch. This evening we had 5 neighbor kids playing on our front poarch. They think I am a really cool Mom and frequently hang around just to talk to me. Some of these kids both parents work full time and don't have much energy to give back to their kids at the end of the day.

Their parents feel completely comfortable with their kids being at our house and as long as they follow our rules it is kind of neat.

[RainbowMom]

Ekblad, I'm curious about the intentional community into which you're moving. Would you mind sharing more about it? What is the "intention" of this particular community, how it was formed, how many families, etc. I've read about such communities and thought how lovely it could be, but don't think I could get dh to agree at the level necessary to participate in such a thing.

Blessings,