Older kids and explaining abortion?

[SabrinaJL]

I could use some advice here, mamas. My DD is 10. Yesterday she was looking at a thing I filled out that asked me about the history of my pregnancy with her. I noted that I had severe morning sickness and lost 25 lbs in three months. She apologized for it. I asked her why she was apologizing. She said that it was her fault that I was so sick. I told her that it wasn't her fault, I chose to have her.

I was 16 when I had her and she knows this, she also knows she wasn't planned. She brought up that fact. I said, yes, but it was my choice to go through with the pregnancy. That's when she says "What do you mean? You can get rid of the baby while it's still inside you?"

I wasn't sure exactly how to explain this to her so I told her I would discuss it with her when I've had a chance to gather my thoughts. This is what I usually do when she asks me a question that I feel is sensitive or catches me off guard. So if any mamas have experience with this, I could use some tips.

[kama'aina mama]

Wow. She sounds like a very bright, sensitive child. I think you should calmly explain, with as few specific details as you can, that yes, it is possible to end a pregnancy. I also think that this is going to be a point at which she should hear that there are people with some widely differing ideas about the morality of this issue and if you feel like going that far afield you could briefly outline the history of legal abortion in this country. In your position I think I would try to present all the facts as neutrally as I could and then tell her how you feel about it. What your beliefs are, maybe even, if you can manage to, how you arrived at the decision to keep her. Maybe that is a discussion for another day though.


I think it is great that you didn't and aren't trying to simply get out from under this question. Kids should learn the big lessons from their parents, I think.

[UnschoolnMa]

Hi from another former teen mama (had the kids at 15, and 17)

I would just tell her that yes there is a way for women to end a pregnancy and it's called an abortion. You can tell her that it is a medical procedure done in a clinic or a doctors office. Beyond that it becomes a much more personal, individual thing because, as we all know, this subject is one that most people feel pretty strongly about one way or the other. Any further discussion about it (after the "yes there is a procedure called an abortion to end pregnancy" basics) would likely involve your personal feelings about abortion. I hope this helps a little bit. My daughter asked me when she was about 7 and we told her all that she wanted to know.

[green betty]

One possible way to present it is that a pregnancy represents a potential future child (as do an un-united sperm and egg, although that is a significantly weaker potential). Often the body chooses not to fulfill this potential because conditions aren't right in some way--this is spontaneous abortion and happens usually before a woman knows she is pregnant. Sometimes a woman knows that conditions aren't right, too, and chooses to initiate an abortion. If she chooses to go through the pregnancy instead, the potential baby comes closer and closer to being a real baby until it is developed and able to survive outside the womb. These days women who choose to have babies tend to think of them as being people early on because they are looking forward to the people they will become so much. But historically, most people didn't think of a pregnancy as being a baby until they could feel the baby kicking.

I think it's important to introduce the idea that abortion is NOT a black/white issue, as it is so often portrayed in our culture.

Good on ya for tackling this difficult issue!

[SabrinaJL]

Thanks for the great advice, ladies! I talked to her about it. I told her that if a woman decides she isn't ready or doesn't want to be a mother she can have an abortion. She asked how and I gave her a basic explanation. She wanted to know why someone would do that. I gave her some possible reasons. I then gave her the pro-choice argument and the pro-life argument. I asked her what her feelings on it were. She said "It sounds like a mean thing to do but it's their decision to make and they're the ones that have to live with it." And that was that.

[moondiapers]

I am dreading the day I have to discuss this with DD. She is VERY Sensitive and remembered being in the womb. She drew vivid pictures when she was 3 and 4 years old of where she was before she met me. So I'm a bit concerned about how the fact that this procedure even exists will make her feel. She allready had a hard time when I had a miscarriage and had to explain it to her. And I was ok with the miscarriage, so I don't think my emotions had much to do with how she felt about it.

I'm glad your dd did well with your explanation

[mamawanabe]

I can't ever remember not knowing. Just like I don't remember not knowing what sex was (course I still had it wrong - thought everytime you had sex you had a baby).

But my parents had the news on all the time and weren't big censorers.

Sounds like you did fine explaining.

[EnviroBecca]

Sounds like you did a good job explaining!

I got two good explanations when I was young, so I'll share them:

When I was 6 or 7, I was at a friend's house, playing in the same room where her mother was watching TV, and we heard the word "abortion" on the news and asked what it meant. Her mom said that sometimes being pregnant is too dangerous for a woman's health, or parents don't have enough money to take good care of a baby, so abortion is a kind of operation that takes the baby out of the mother before it can develop and be born. She said it is a sad thing to decide to do, but sometimes it's the best choice--kind of like deciding to have your pet put to sleep.

In 6th grade, the school counselor was teaching us about menstruation, etc. She welcomed questions on any related issues, and someone asked how an abortion is done. She explained that one way is to inject salt water into the uterus to kill the embryo and then remove it with a suction machine; the other way is to dilate the cervix and scrape out the uterus with a curette. She drew diagrams on the board. She said, "It doesn't sound like fun, does it? It's not an easy thing to go through, but in some situations some women decide it is a better choice for them than going through pregnancy and birth. Our laws allow women to choose what to do based on their own beliefs."

[mamatojade]

My sil dealt with this with her 6/7 yo ds in what I thought was a fair decent way.

They were driving down the road and passed an pro-life demo in front of the Women's Hospital. DN asked what abortion was and SIl responded by telling him that sometimes a mama doesn't have enough love in her to continue to grow a baby and she chooses not to have the baby.

They didn't get into the mechanics of the actual act.

[girlndocs]

This is a great thread, and let me tell you I'm glad it's here because ds has not asked yet and it was one of those things it just never occurs to you you might have to explain someday, you KWIM?

Anyway, I'm sure reading these various approaches now has saved me at least a few seconds of opening and closing my mouth like an idiot fish sometime in the future :LOL

It makes especially good sense that just as with "where babies come from" you can start out telling a younger child the basics without a bunch of details, and cover more of the nuances each time the subject comes up after that. Thanks mamas

Man, I'm smiley-happy today ...