Help me make a decision

[wendyk]

I work 2 days per week and have to make a decision regarding part-time child care. My dd was in day care and I hated it- she was so stressed when I picked her up. Then she was being cared for by a friend that very abruptly one day told me I needed to find something else as soon as possible. As a temporary fix, I had a girl that was heading off to college coming to my house to care for my dd on the days that I worked. She has now gone to college 2 hours away.

There's the history in a nutshell. Here's the issue- I found a home day care provider close to my home. Her name is Betty. She is a grandmother and has done child care for 20 years with a stack of letters of recommendation. She has no more than 6 kids at a time- between the ages of 10 mths and 5 years. My dd has been there 2 days now. When my dh & I met with Betty, she was very nice, said many things I liked, but tended to talk to me like I was 16 ( I look young but not that young!). On my dd's first day, I called mid-day to check on her and she told me that dd had "carried on" about taking a nap and that I needed to stop rocking her or she'd never learn to go to sleep on her own. She also promised me that she had not let dd cio, but says that she can't rock her to sleep since the other kids would want it as well. On day 2, about 2 hours after I dropped dd off, Betty called me at work to say that my dd was really fussy. Several sentences into it, she said that she thought maybe she didn't feel well. I suggested some things that she said she'd try. I called back a couple fo hours later and she said that she was still really fussy and wouldn't take a nap. Dh happened to be able to be home with her that day, so he went to get her and took her home. He says she was happy and playing when he picked her up. She has been kind of grumpy the last couple of days, but part of it seems to me like typical toddler frustration kind of stuff-- a toy gets stuck somewhere, she lets out a short cry until it gets resolved. Betty called last night (2 days after dd was there) to check on dd and oh, yeah, remind me to bring her a check for last week when I bring dd on Monday.

It's just kind of a nagging something bothering me about this situation, but nothing I can really pinpoint. DD seems happy and completely non-stressed when picked up from there (completely unlike when she was in a day care center).

I'm looking for constructive assistance here. Please don't berate me for working-- it isn't an option to quit entirely. Dh and I have the conversation frequently and have cut things and cut things out for me to be able to only work 2 days. I have really agonized over this and need some other perspective on it. We have an option of someone coming to our house, though she does not have the greatest emplyment record. She has babysat for us quite a bit in the past and has been very reliable for us, but is pretty young and has a history of not the most responsible in terms of showing up on time. Actually she's lost 2 jobs because of that. But she loves taking care of my dd, does an excellent job. My dd loves her as well.

Help me make this decision please-

[jamminmommy]

I think what you are saying is that your dd seems okay there, but that you do not get a totally great vibe from the daycare provider. She has a very different style from yours.

You are kinda stuck. It's hard to find daycare that is perfect - I don't think I ever did. I found daycare that was maybe a 7-8 on a scale of 1-10. There was always something.

Until you can talk to some of the other parents who use this person, and/or until you can find another situation, I don't think your dd is going to be harmed. Meanwhile, you can put together a list of qualities that you find important and keep looking.

good luck.

[jeca]

if she hasn't been there long it may just be an adjustment issue she's trying to work out. Also if your able or your DH is able just drop by unannounced one day so you can see how she's doing when she's not prepared for you.

[Greaseball]

On my dd's first day, I called mid-day to check on her and she told me that dd had "carried on" about taking a nap and that I needed to stop rocking her or she'd never learn to go to sleep on her own. She also promised me that she had not let dd cio, but says that she can't rock her to sleep since the other kids would want it as well.

Well, why can't all the kids be rocked to sleep? Rocking to sleep is just one part of caring for a baby or young child, and if someone can't do that, they should look at the reasons why. Maybe she can't handle six kids by hersef. Maybe she can afford to get an assistant, or maybe she needs to reduce the number of kids she can care for at one time.

Does your dc want to sleep there? Maybe she is not tired and that's why she is "carrying on" about taking a nap. I sure wouldn't want to nap on someone else's schedule.

I think the most troubling thing is your anxiety. That alone is reason enough to decide your child is not in the best situation. Mothers are taught that their anxiety is just craziness, but it's there for a reason and shouldn't be ignored. If you feel uneasy it's probably because there is a good reason for you to feel that way.

If you only work 2 days a week, do you have time on the other days to search for another arrangement? Or to talk to the current provider and see if she is someone you can work with after all?

[oceanbaby]

It's just kind of a nagging something bothering me about this situation, but nothing I can really pinpoint.

That means you should change it. Your intuition is telling you something, and even though your logical brain can't rationalize it, you should listen.

I'm nak'ing, so can't write more, but the book "Protecting the Gift" talks a lot about this.

[moondiapers]

[QUOTE=Greaseball]Well, why can't all the kids be rocked to sleep? Rocking to sleep is just one part of caring for a baby or young child, and if someone can't do that, they should look at the reasons why. Maybe she can't handle six kids by hersef. Maybe she can afford to get an assistant, or maybe she needs to reduce the number of kids she can care for at one time.QUOTE]


Well as a childcare provider, IF I am lucky enough to get everybody to sleep at the same time that is my only break. And it's not a real break in the true sense of the word, it's a break where I get to clean up from lunch, do food program paperwork, a bit of book keeping etc. without trying to watch 6 or 8 children at the same time.

Now if I were to rock 6 kids to sleep, the first one would be waking up about the time that the last one was going down. However, I do rock the BABIES if they need it, and I've been known to rock a new child if that's what they are used to, then slowly wean them from it. It usually only takes about 2 weeks.

As far as this little girl not being tired, I don't think you'll find a child care provider willing to not have a break. Some states even require us to have a designated nap/quiet time and to lay all children (except infants) down during this time. The only way to get exactly what you want is hire a Nanny since a nanny would be your employee and obligated to follow orders when it comes to your child.


To the OP
I would give it a couple of weeks (the average adjustment period) and see how your dd does. Esp since you say she seems happy there. If you still feel a change is needed, and your current provider is unwilling to work with you on it I'd start interviewing new providers. Make sure to be upfront with them about your needs at the interview. Make sure they know that you would like your child rocked to sleep if she needs it, not forced to take a nap when not tired (if these are your needs) so that everything is out in the open. Who knows, maybe this provider's schedule just isn't compatible with your child. YOu may just simply need a provider with a bit later naptime Or maybe someone really great and tuckering the kids out before lunch. My naptime is pretty early by most standards, but I tire my kids out and some of them fall asleep at the lunch table, LOL.


-Heather

[wendyk]

In doing more thought and discussion w/ dh, I am questioning her happiness. We had a rough 3 days with her being very fussy, very clingy, very short naps and difficult with bedtime. Maybe it's coincidental but my gut feeling says no. I can't convince myself that she isn't tired at Betty's desgnated naptime-- the only time she has ever NOT taken a nap is last week at Betty's house. She is actually very predictable in terms of naptime at home-- 3 hours after she gets up!

When I dropped her off this morning, she absolutely melted down-- big tears, loud crying. VERY unlike her, even in new situations. I spoke with Betty a little later this morning & she said that dd was very clingy and fussy and didn't get any happier until she let the kids roam into another room. It happens that this room leads to the outside and has a gate on the stairs leading to outside. She said dd was happy at the time of the coversation because she was getting to pull on the gate. We have a gate at the top of our stairs at home & she knows that opening the gate leads to outside. THe kids spend most of their day in a room in the lower level of Betty's house. It's a nice room with lots of toys, but my dd is used to being able to roam around (we have a pretty open floor plan to our house, so she can do a good bit of supervised roaming at home). I think she's bored spending the day in this small space. She's a really smart kid with this intense need to explore & I don't think that's something that Betty can accomodate.

I also think the stress is showing up at home rather than at pick-up time. I think that Betty & I can't meet each other's needs. She needs a child that is more self-sufficient in terms of entertaining herself and going to sleep. I need someone that can be more accomodating to my daughter's needs. I don't blame her and certainly understand the position she is in-- she has 6 kids to care for. I don't have that same need for her to be self- sufficient and put herself to sleep. I"m very happy to let her be the age she is and have the needs she has.

SO, thank you all for your input. Some new perspective did help clarify things some. I tend to agonize endlessly on things in trying to make a decision. New thoughts certianly helped me get out of the rut if thinking I was in. It's nice to have a community of mammas that make some of the same non-mainstream choices.