WWYD? Mil refuses to install carseat properly

[hipumpkins]

Ok my MIL is a stubborn control freak. I work twice a week and MIL watches DD 23 mos (almost). We have 2 car seats. One stays in my car and one gets transferred from DH"s car to MIL weekly. This is how it works....
Friday MIL picks up DD at my job in the late afternoon. DH picks up DD at thier house later that evening and transfers carseat to bring DD home. Then thursday MIL comes to my house to pick up DD where car seat needs to be out back in her car.
Ok here's the story...
Last Friday MIL meets me at my job. I get DD out of my car and beofre I put her in car seat I test it to see if it tight. It is NOT even close. Moves easily back and forth. I ask MIL to help me pull the straps to tighten it. She does not move. She will not help me. Rather she stares at me like I am nuts. I pull and pull and get it tight so it doesn't move. I tell her, "the car seat shouldn't move at all" very matter of factly not even judging b/c I know car seats were not used when DH was a child.
Come Thursday I watch out the window to see when MIL will arrive b/c I know she will not let me help her with seat. I see her come and get the car seat out of my car (it is just in my car for easy storage) She starts to put in her self. I grab DD and head outside. "I can help you with that" I call.
She says, "I got it" implying no help. I go over to the car and again the car seat is not tight. Again I tell her how it is not supposed to move. "She says, "Well it is clicked in"
I pull the straps telling her how when the police installed DD's it took 2men to get it in properly. Only then does she half hearedtly help me pull the straps.
The next Friday I do not work.
The next Thursdsay comes and I hear MIL ciming up the stairs 10 minutes earlier then norma. Hellooo....She comes in and announces, "car seart is in"
I ask, "tightly" yes she says.
and takes DD to leave. I can not go out b/c I am not dressed. Now I know it was worng..that seat should have tested but truthfully I am intimidated by her and afraid to cause a scene...(that is quickly waning BTW)
They are gone. I cal DH and tel him how sneaky his mother is and how she would rather be, "right" at the risk of her grandaighter.
Come Friday...
Mil meets me at work..I put DD in car seat and try test it but MIL is clibing all over it under the guise of strapping in DD. Again I say nothing...stupid I know. That night DH confronts MIL telling her that she is putting her grandaughter's safety at risk. She says, "it is buckled in and that is good enough"

Now do I cut her off completely as babysitter or give her no driiving priviledges with DD? I am afraid if I take the car seat away from her she will drive DD anyway without one (without my knowledge of course) I also worry about her having this conversation with my DD,
DD asks grammy to go see the horses
Grammy says, "I can't b/c mommy wont let me drive you"


BTW...a 3rd car seat that stays in her car wont work b/c she drives clients around and she would remove it.

[AngelBee]

Take her ro the police station to learn how to install, Purchase an additional carseat to leave full time in her car.....if this doesn't fix the problem, I would NOT allow her to drive with my child....EVER! It is so important that they are buckled properly. It is just not worth the risk.

[Meiri]

"Now do I cut her off completely as babysitter or give her no driiving priviledges with DD? I am afraid if I take the car seat away from her she will drive DD anyway without one (without my knowledge of course)"

I would. I'd also consider asking the police department, whomever there handles carseat installations, to talk to her. "It's buckled in and that is good enough" is NOT NOT NOT good enough.
I'm surprised that a grandmother who truly loves her grandchild would have to be told this information twice, and were we in this situation, I'd not hesitate to say so either. Lay on the guilt if that's what it takes.

As for the hypothetical conversation, you beat that by explaining the facts to your child first. "Grandma can't be bothered to look after your safety or to obey the carseat law, so that's why WE do not let her drive anywhere with you." Your child will look to You first for the reality, not to Granma.

[mommasuz]

I wouldn't let her drive my child. I also wonder how great of a sitter she is when she doesn't even care aboout the safety of your child in a life or death situation. Could you just trade cars with her on the days you work so she doesn't have to install it?

[Midnightowl]

Ask the police or an insurance agent if they have a slow motion video of what happens inside a car during a wreck. I saw one with a crash-test dummy in a car seat once and it was horrific how much the "child" was tossed around. There may be one online you could find as well.

[Parker'smommy]

Nope, I wouldn't let her drive my child around. Her being mad at me and causing a scene isn't worth my child's life, plain and simple.

[djs_girl517]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

Now do I cut her off completely as babysitter

Is this an option? If I had any option at all, I would not allow this woman to keep my child. Given your concern that she would drive around w/o carseat, I don't think you can just tell her not to drive with dd. If you could make other child care arrangements, I would tell her that she can't keep dd anymore until she demonstrates (consistently) that she can AND WILL install the carseat properly. This is a huge deal, and she shouldn't be so blase about it (IMHO )

[~Megan~]

I would not allow her to have my child without myself or my dh there until she understands and agrees to put the carseat in correctly.
Lisa, has a good idea too.
I just don't play games with my child's safety and neither should she.

[Satori]

This is why my mother doesn't drive dd around unless i'm the one the installed the seat. Its super easy in her car but she cant seem to get it right

[UnschoolnMa]

I would not let her take the child if she didn't have her safety in mind!

[littleaugustbaby]

This is definitely a deal-breaker. Not only will she not cooperate, she tries to HIDE her behavior for the sake of being right. She is not putting your DD's best interests first, because she's letting her selfish pride get in the way. She's turning the situation into a power struggle, and not only would I be concerned about DD's safety, I'd be concerned about what other things that she does when she has DD. She obviously has no respect for you or your DD to be doing this.

If it's at all a possibility, I would explain to her that you're concerned for DD's safety, and because she refuses to follow the LAW by installing DD's carseat correctly, then you have no other choice but to not allow DD to ride in the car with her.

[Jemper]

I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the PP. It's not a matter of pride, but your DD's safety.

Perhaps DH can show your MIL some articles?

http://www.car-safety.org/basics.html

Motor vehicle crashes are the #1 killer of kids in age groups 1-14, according to the Centers for Disease Control. The National SAFE KIDS Campaign says motor vehicle crashes are the #1 cause of unintentional injury for all children 14 and under. While some crashes are unsurvivable, over 57% of deaths for children 0-15 were because the child was unrestrained. Many more were improperly restrained. Nationally, the misuse rate for child safety seats is over 80%, and as much as 95% in some areas. The good news is that correct use of car seats and boosters does save lives. Infant seats have been shown to reduce fatal injury by 71%, and toddler seats by 54%. The information and links on this website can help you with one of the easiest and most important ways you can protect your children.

Another possibility would be to take MIL to a carseat inspection so she can *see* what's involved with proper installation.

[Breathless Wonder]

I would not use her as a babysitter anymore...and I know how difficult this can make your life if you are financially strapped.

[dharmama]

if taking away her babysitting is not an option...

can you trade cars with her so the seat can stay properly installed in your car?

[beth568]

Will she drive your car? That way, you don't have to worry about switching the seat. If that's not an option, no question, I wouldn't let her drive the child anywhere.

My MIL is the same way about this, so on the rare occasions when we leave DD with her, we take her car and leave her one of ours. Even then, I'm not all that comfortable because I know she doesn't think the car seat is important, and probably doesn't tighten the harness straps properly.

If you decide to give her another chance, I agree that taking her to an installation check is a good idea, if she'd go. Otherwise, I think your DH has to be the one to explain to her that she's not permitted to drive with your child in the car.

[hipumpkins]

It is that hiding her behavior that has me seething. I am a a waitress and can switch some shifts around...hassle to deal with managers but it can be done so DH can watch her instead. I knew for sure I would not let her drive DD but I wasn't sure if cutting off all babysitting was a bit extrmeme. I will not cut her out of DD's life as much as I would like to but I know that isn't right. I am going to try find those videoes.

Thank you!

[allgirls]

As I look at this the thing that strikes me is it's more of a defiance of you than not knowing how to put it in properly, not taking the life and safety of the child seriously...I think she has other issues with you and this is just one of her ways of digging at you...

Do you have other issues with her...this can't be isolated...get the videos and give them to her, then cut of all driving with the child for safety reasons...

Oh and (((HUGS))) mama...MIL's can be tiresome

[LunaMom]

It is very surprising to me that your MIL cannot understand the implications here. I would never let her drive your child if she does not comply with your car seat rules. Lots of good suggestions above - the videos, the police station, and you can tell her my SIL's story - she and her son were in an accident where the car actually flipped over, and neither SIL nor her properly restrained son were harmed - she had just had her car seat checked at one of those police checks a week earlier.

If your MIL is this lax about car safety, I would worry about other things as well. How carefully does she supervise her at playgrounds, does she give her chokable foods, that sort of thing...

Maybe it might help to butter your MIL up a little..."I really appreciate you caring for DD, she loves to be with you, blah, blah, blah, and I know you would hate for any harm to come to her so it's really important that we both keep her safe..."

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I think that the best solution (if this is an isolated issue) is that you arrange for a permanently installed seat in the car she uses. Is this a possibility? Oh, I see the problem. Then, yes, perhaps swapping cars is an option.

I know that our seat takes quite a while to install and it takes quite a bit of strength. You said it takes 2 men to install, so maybe this arrangement is the main problem.

[beckyh]

My MIL and I also have power struggles, but when it comes to my child's safety, it isn't open for negotiation. I would go out every day and check that car seat for her.

My MIL never takes ds unless dh has installed the seat and my parents keep one in there car at all times. They are so paranoid about it being properly installed that they go and have it inspected monthly.