Afraid of Children

[Calm]

I don't know if this is posted in the right place. My 2y 4m old daughter is afraid of children around her age. She is fine with adults and children over 5 years after a while of one on one time. I have a thread in the tribe section about sensitive children, but I thought I'd get more help for this particular issue here.

It doesn't matter if they are trying to be nice, trying to kiss her, talk to her, or touch her, she backs away and/or starts crying. She loves to watch them from the sidelines, but becomes overwhelmed when approached. We went to a three year old's birthday party today, and it was painful to watch her. I try not to intervene, and let her work things out herself, just offering cuddles when she seeks me out and reassuring her I am there.

She just stood by herself laughing when they laughed and dancing when they danced and looked like she really wanted to be a part of things, but just couldn't. A little girl came over to her and really sweetly tried to hand her a balloon, and she backed away saying, "Mama, she won't hurt me, she won't hurt me, just trying to say hello."

I think she may have been bullied during the three week attempt earlier this year to put her into kindy. I regret it now, but something has ingrained in her. I don't work, and my attempt to put her into kindy was partly due to pressure to have her 'socialised". Won't be trying that again any time soon!

This is breaking my heart. What can I do to help?

Thanks in advance.

[hopingtobe]

Calm - you sound like a great, loving mother and I am sure you will know how to help your daughter in the best possible way.

Children are different, I have two outgoing and one shy (see my signature ).

When children are two-three they start realising that they are not the centre of the universe, but that there are others like them. And slowly they learn to be social beings. I think it especially difficult for them to handle kids their own age or younger, because those older are able to take their age into consideration etc.

No matter whether they are outgoing (clashing with others) or shy (hiding from others) it is a tough period for us as mothers. We sense our dc's frustration and we understand what is going on, but we cannot carry them through it. They have to walk their own walk. They have to learn and find their own space in life.

With my shy ds, we have tried to find a middle-road. We both work, so we needed daycare. And we found a safe, nice home-daycare with only two other children. In this safe environment he learned to mingle with children his age.
Several people asked me why we didn't put him to a good day-care centre, but we felt he wasn't ready.

When he was four we moved him to a nature-kindergarden. But we soon realised that he wasn't ready. So I took him out, we both (parents) worked half-time for a year and had him at home. And when he was five, he started again, and was now ready.

Sorry, my long story.
But I just want to say. Stay 'calm' and follow your own intuition. Of course your child needs to learn to be a social being, but she has to do it at her pace. And I am sure that you will be able to guide her along the way.

[Evergreen]

My 20 month old is afraid of babies

I don't get it!

[Calm]

I guess the best thing I can do is wait. As she becomes more able, she may become more willing to take those leaps of faith. It will probably ease when she makes a friend her age (one she hasn't known previously) and finds it is a great thing. This part of motherhood is one I wasn't prepared for. I didn't know it would ache so much when your child is not part of the social circle. I was the 'picked on' kid at school, so there is a large part of me screaming not to let it happen to my daughter.

Thank you for your kind words and support, it was really nice to read.