What do you say when someone tells you...

[Mommiska]

they've circumcised their son, after you've given them all of the reasons why it is a bad idea?

I'm just curious...I really have a hard time knowing what is the appropriate thing to say. The circumcision can't be undone, obviously. It's too late for that, so further reasons why circumcision is a human rights violation, excruciatingly painful, etc.,etc. don't seem to have any place/purpose.

But I can't give validation for either the decision or the decision making process in any way, shape or form either.

So - what do you say?

[mattemma04]

"I am so sorry to hear that. I am sure he will forgive you when he realises what you did to him.Most kids forgive just about anything."
or

"I am so sorry to hear that. Hopefully he will learn from your mistakes and not do the same to his own children.What a terrible loss for him."

[MonicaS]

I've never actually had anyone tell me they did it after getting the info. They avoid the topic like the plague. It's pretty obvious what decision they made. That's usually the point where I lose interest in our *friendship*. (Please don't mistake this w/ friends who have previously circ'd their kids b/c they didn't know differently. I have several friends like this. I just can't get past the disdain I feel for parents that I have tried to inform that still do it.)

If they did happen to tell me, I would probably say, "That's too bad...poor baby."

(edited for spelling)

[rainbowmoon]

I don't think I'dhave anything to say at all (but that's just me) the damage has already been done.

I like the PP comments alot though!

[loving-my-babies]

yes, I know someone that circ'ed her first and now is pg with her second and will circ. It's so sad, I would say, I'm sorry to hear that, I hope your child forgives you someday for what you put him through (I think she thinks the penile block is 100% effective, so I would also say..) NEWSFLASH.. IT'S NOT. your child will still cry, abandoned in agony while you rest in your hospital room.. have a good day!

[Sarah]

Yesterday I worked at a NOCIRC booth at a pregnancy fair in Dayton OH and I had quite a few wonderful conversations with people who had circumcised their sons.

I think at that point, you can't change things that already happened, but you do have a chance to leave a positive impression for that person's future. You don't have a personal responsibility to say anything...if you can't say something- don't... but sometimes, what I found helped me yesterday... was to ask the person a question - to invite them to share their experience with me. Then the conversation can be led by their comments rather than my opinions and usually I would have some opportunity to mention some points to ponder, and I also learn a lot about their experience. It helps me to really understand what is going on.

Like: "I am very interested in the informed consent process, could you tell me what your experience was at the hospital where you gave birth... when did they ask you about the circumcision? What did they tell you about it? Did they give you the impression that it was medically recomended?"

I spoke with about seven mothers who had circumcised their first son/s and not their littlest ones. With each and every one of them, I said, "I talk to a lot of people who already circumcised one son and are nervous that they need to circumcise others so there is no difference between brothers... can you tell me- what is your experience with that- have there been ANY problems?" Every single one was VERY HAPPY to tell me that there had been no problems what-so ever (except for one mom who said that her intact little one was afraid that HE was missing something because he did not have that thing on the end of his penis that his big brother did... he was not yet retractable... that was easy to explain.)

I tried to make sure that no one who visited the booth felt bad- I wanted to give everyone info that would empower them to continue to learn and continue to make better decisions. You know- maybe by asking her to tell the story about the consent process- something might click when she has to verbalise it. Or if you ask her about her feelings, you might be the ONLY person who might be willing to acknowledge the negative feelings that she felt. Show concern for her and her baby. You don't need to lay down a big guilt trip. You can lay down a foundation of compassion that might be something that she will remember in the future.

Love Sarah

[Mommiska]

Thanks all - it's frustrating, isn't it? I feel like the parents I give info to feel like it's about me and my choices versus them and their choices.

They never seem to 'get' (although I am explicit about it) that it's about their SON'S choice. That he's the one who has to live with his penis, so he's the one who should decide whether or not anything is cut off it.

I was :LOL at some of your suggestions - thanks!

Sarah - thanks as well for your perspective. I've been feeling quite down about this whole topic lately, and I really needed to hear what you wrote.

It's still depressing to see what a hold circumcision has on American culture, but it is helpful to see it that way - instead of focusing on the parents who are making the decision to go with cultural expectations rather than protect their son.

I don't (and never will) understand that mentality. But from all of the stories I read on this forum about parents who have all of the relevant information and still choose to circ, cultural expectations are obviously an incredibly strong force for some people.

Offering them compassion rather than anger is where to start - I'm sure you are right, Sarah. Thanks again.