anyone else lose a 'friend' because of differing parenting styles?

[motherofthree]

I have decided to delete this message. sorry

[Rollermommy]

I was actually talking with my sis about this yesterday. Dh and I are also on the verge of loosing some friends because of this very issue. It is very hard but ultimately, you have to choose what's best for your family. I hate it, but we just can't be friends with these people. It seems like being parents is our #1 priority and that's just what we are--mom and dad. But with these people being a parent is something that gets in the way of everything else : . Anyway, just wanted to say, sometimes it happens, just move on and actively seek out some new friends.

[motherofthree]

Yes, moving on is good. I can't help but think I did something wrong. But obviously I realize not everyone gets along, both children and adults. And it seems especially hard for women to truly become close friends at times. It's just sad and disappointing. Thanks for your input.

[UnschoolnMa]

Been there, sorta. Had a couple we were close friends with for a few years. We lived near each other, I watched her kids alot (she sat with mine as they slept a few times), we went to the drive in together in the summer, bbq'd etc. I even was present at the birth of her 3rd child. Though parenting wasn't the only reason we parted ways, it was a big part of it. I actually had to just leave once as I saw them hitting the oldest with a long brush thing She told me she though my kids needed more "discipline" and I told her I thought her kids needed more respect and love. It ended kinda badly, and she did have some other issues in her life. We've talked here and there (I moved a few hrs away too...) but it wont ever be the same. It's a shame too, because we had tons of fun for awhile. I agree with the pp that you need to do what is best for your family first. Smiles

[chalupamom]

Yes, sadly, it's happened here, too. I have some girlfriends that I only see on my own - no kid socializing anymore. They're good people, but the way they raise their kids is so utterly different than my methods that having our kids together was interfering with our family lives. We still have lots of other stuff in common, though, so I'll get together with them while my husband has the kids at another activity.

There is a case going on now, though, where I'm not sure that even this solution is going to be enough. We've been friends for over 15 years but I see her kids going down this terrible path and my friend is being utterly passive in their raising. The TV is on constantly and they don't understand how the kids might be struggling in school. Dinner is PB&J every single night because she doesn't want to go through the "hassle" (her word) of trying to get them to expand their horizons or model better behavior. I'm so alarmed by her passivity in parenting that I'm having trouble seeing past it toward the rest of her personality. It's a shame, really.

[AmandasMom]

I give up trying to make friends I met a lady and her daughter at the playground one day this past winter, we started talking, she was so nice! She and her husband are from Russia, they've lived here about 2 years. We'd go over to her house, she'd come to ours. The problems started when she needed a ride, I showed up and she didn't have any carseats for her 2 kids (age 1 and 3). I refused to drive her anywhere because she didn't have carseats. She tried several times after that to get me to drive her somewhere and she didn't have carseats. (She has a car with 2 carseats but her husband takes the car to work and she said it's too much work to take the carseats out of the car.) After a while , I just stopped answering my phone when she called. I simply can't be friends with someone who doesn't care if their children are in carseats or not.

[neveryoumindthere]

I'M quickly drifting from a friend who's a new mom. we've been friends for years ..i want to help her especially with nursing/slinging but get extremely frustrated with comments thrown at me here and there
like yesterday when she said i was so lazy that i wasnt playing with my dd when i mentioned she was cranky today and giving me a hard time
also the reason she wasnt walking is cuz she needs other kids to play with supposedly
oh and she was appalled dd was scared/startled when playing with a noisy/loud toy at their house and "maybe i should get her some toys that make sounds'

oh man, writing it out i'm getting upset again

[motherofthree]

Sorry to have brought up a sore subject. ALthough it is nice to hear I'm not alone.

[babyj]

Yep, it's happened here too. Sorry your situation was even more "out" than mine. I sort of phased out a relationship with a neighbor. We had lots of fun being pregnant together. After the babies were born she told me she'd read books in the garage at night so she wouldn't hear her daughter scream..... Also, lots of hand slapping etc (at 9 mos). I also stopped attending a playgroup because my parenting style was so different than all but one Moms there. I didn't sit around and bad mouth my child or DH (and especially not when children could hear!). I just have a difficult time respecting others who mainstream parent. It's really affected my ability to find friends. Now, with DS almost 3, I find other boys much more violent and exposed to much more commercialism than I'm comfortable with. It's very isolating.

babyj

[annethcz]

It's only natural, I think. I have a number of friends/ acquaintences that I've drifted away from after the birth of my kids. We simply approach parenthood in different ways. And in general, people tend to be attracted to others who are like them. So yeah, I've drifted apart from the mom who chooses to work full time so they can have a cabin up north, who chose to formula feed... because we simply don't have that much in common anymore.

[iris0110]

I did drift away from alot of my pre-baby friends after Ds was born. Alot of it just came from not having time to do things with them anymore. Not so much because of parenting, but because of being a parent. Kwim? There was one friend of mine who I got really close to when we were pregnant at the same time. It seemed like she was really serious about being a good mom and everything. Then after our son's were born I realized we had very different ideas about parenting. She decided that breastfeeding would be too much work (without ever trying it). Then as soon as she was well enough to go out she started leaving her ds with her mom so she could start partying again. I understand that she is a single mother and has to work to support herself and her ds, but she was never home with him at all. When he was just 2 months old she left for a month to visit friends in CA. So her mother had him for a month. Then when he was 4 months old she asked me if I could babysit him during the day while she worked. I fiugred it would be a nice way to earn some extra money and give ds some one to play with so I said yes. The first day she was only supposed to be gone for two hours, just to see how things went. She dropped him off and didn't come back for 5 hours. She had some excuse about having to work over so I said it was alright. So the next day she dropped him off and was supposed to get him in 8 hours I wound up having him for 12. And then she didn't pay me. Ds was terribly upset by me taking care of this other baby so I told her it wasn't going to work. After that she kind of quit calling me, and I can say that I really didn't mind. I saw them again when the boys were about 15 months. Her ds couldn't walk yet because he was kept in a walker almost all of the time, and he wasn't sure who his mother was, her or her mother. She gave me her phone number and said we should get the boys together sometime, but I never called her.

I have only one pretty good mom friend right now. She lives down the street, and she is really good with her kids. She and her Dh don't have quite the same parenting style that we do, but I still think they are very good parents, and our differences aren't anything really big. Plus she understands that ds has some special needs, and doesn't falt him or us for the way he sometimes behaves when he gets to over stimulated. She has always understood when we need to cut a play date short because he is getting past his tolerance point, or when I have to call off a get together because he is having a bad day. I don't know what I would do with out her, because with Ds it is hard to go to playgroups or even LLL meetings. So it is hard to meet other parents, and hard for ds to make friends.

[mommabear]

This has always been a tricky issue for me. I am the most 'alternative' mom of all of my friends (but am nowhere near as crunchy as I would like to be! ), but there are enough similarities that my closest friends and I have remained such. One in particular looks to me for support (her dh is not into ap as much as she would like). Anyway, I do have a handful of friends who used 'sleep-training' with their babies and schedule-fed them -- this was hardest in the early days when I was still becoming confident in my own abilities as a mother. I still cringe when my pg friend (who already has a 3 yo) talks about her intentions to fully bottlefeed the next one without even trying to nurse (she goes on to talk about the whole 'baby-whisperer' garbage too). I offer info only when asked, but fortunately haven't witnessed any physical discipline (ie slapping, spanking, etc.) -- these I couldn't handle and would probably either say so or leave (depending on how I felt at the time). None of my 'inner circle' of friends use physical punishment, thankfully, but there are times at playgroups, etc. where I see moms on the verge. Although I haven't officially ended friendships, I do spend more time with people whose parenting styles are more like my own -- their kids are are more fun to be around too!

[Stevie]

I have been pretty lucky; my best friend has been my friend for 10 years and was past any desire to have more children, but her parenting style was in line with what I had hoped mine would be, so I look to her for guidance in a lot of areas. (Her 3rd grandson will be born in December)
Another friend was pregnant while I was waiting for my first adoption and our DDs were born just 7 weeks apart. We had some differing parenting styles but in most aspects were on the same page. Then she had her 2nd DC, a son, which she had circ'd. Our relationship has gone downhill in the past 3 years. Not long ago she came here unannounced and began lecturing me about how she wanted and deserved a relationship with my DC and I needed to respect her decision to circ. I just told her that I couldn't; that in my mind she was a child molestor and I couldn't get past that...
I do realize that I may not be being fair but I really can't forget for a moment; I used to know a guy who was found out to have been sexually abusing his daughters and I broke off all contact with him as well... to me they are the same, so that friendship is over...

[NinaBruja]

yes

we had a family friend i used to babysit for when i was 16(she was 19). even then i was decidedly ap. i watched the baby from 4 am to 10 or 11pm monday through friday. she worked like 5 to 1 and i have no clue what she did the rest of the day. i read to the baby, co-slept during naps, played with him, wore him, bottle nursed him. despite her showing me how to prop his bottle and telling me just to leave him in his bucket all day. once she even planned to get high with him right there! i told her id stay late and held that baby by an open window, i felt so bad leaving.
fastforward a few years. i have my baby and she had a second. we talk, let the babies play together. i inquire as to why she never breastfeeds. she never gave me a straight answer but told my mother she just didnt want to be tied down(!!!). i was visiting her once and she put her daughter down for a nap and i had to listen to the terrified cries of a baby down the hall. this woman didnt even flinch at the sound. she continued playing scrabble with us. my daughter looked terrified. i finally said something like 'if youre not going to go calm her down i am' so she looked a little pissed and went back there. they totally neglect the baby, she tumbles off of things all the time. that is when she is not stuck in her bucket. shes almost 30 lbs and they still use a bucket seat in the car. they wont use a proper convertible seat citing inconvenience(!!!). they dont even use it with a base even though i made a point to give them one when she was much smaller. they dont even tighten it, it flies all over the place with normal driving. thier 3 year old has a booster seat intended for a much older/larger child and they rarely use it. theyre like that in all aspects of thier parenting. thier 3 year old is in diapers they wont take time to help him in the potty when he does tell them and since the little baby was born they push the 3 year old away. they talk about them negatively in front of them and recently spanked thier 3 year old in front of my 11 month old. my daughter was so upset at seeing it she started crying. my daughter has never seen anything like that. i decided i didnt need them in my life and accidentally(or subconsiously) let the secret of the wifes promiscuity before they met out. that had irked me too as she now acts like the quintessential virgin and acts like anything sexual is just pure evol and will try to make you feel bad about it. they hate me now, it was a hateful thing but in my defense theyre hateful people.
but ive rambled too long. wow it feels good to actually type all that. i feel like ive gotten it off my chest.

[SadieJaneR]

this seems all too common! I too have essentially given up on making friends for myself. All the mamas I have known think Im nuts! I don't really lke my kids to see the punitive punishment in action, I have had occurences where my children were actually afraid of another mother. So now I try to make 'acquaintances' with mothers who arent very harsh, so our kids can play together, but we mostly just go to the playground.

Its kind of funny. When I lived out east, and we went to the playground, it was pretty uncomfortable.. all the parents would stand around and 'micromanage' their kids behavior - dont do this dont do that etc. The kids could hardly play! Now that I live in the west, I notice that the local parents here practically ignore their kids.. they just leave them to it! In a way, its a good thing for us, so my older dd can make friends unhindered, but sometimes I worry about bigger kids' violent games around my dd.. she could get hurt.

I havent met a single "gentle" mom here at all. That was common out east. It bugs me that most kids out here regard all adults w/ suspicion, as if any adult will tell them what to do and to stop having fun. :

I think we will all encounter this as parenting is a divisive subject, and we're out of the mainstream here.

[isaberg]

Can I just add a nice, opposite story?

I met this woman at a sing - we were pregnant at the same time. I had had a miscarriage, was still pretty cautious about the whole thing, hoping to have a natural birth but fully aware that emergencies do happen, that it's not guaranteed to be incredible. I liked to hear about good experiences and bad, to know what to expect.

She was carried away with planning the perfect birth experience, kept going on about how cesarians were never necessary (within hearing of a couple women whose kids would have died without) and wouldn't listen to anything remotely negative because "negativity causes pain." It got pretty intolerable.

I resolved never to deal with this woman again, and heard a few months later that she'd had pre-eclampsia and delivered a little 2 lb boy by c-section, and he was at the Mayo clinic for a few months, blessedly healthy.

I stopped by her house right before my baby was born, to meet her son and give him his welcome present. We talked for three hours, and have visited each other at least a couple times every week. I had the perfect birth she had planned and I had doubted. She's my best friend here, and a remarkably nifty person. I think we both have mellowed some. :-) And I'm learning a lot about parenting from her!

[kerc]

I realized as I was reading this -- one thing I think we all forget is that when we become parents is that we grow a lot as people (or maybe regress?). We make decisions about things we've never thought about before, we are suddenly interacting with this new life.

I moved a lot of as a kid and as such I think never had to deal with a friendship ending. I have in the past year or so had to cope with losing several friends -- some of whom I honestly think I just grew away from. I think it is a natural process when as a person you are growing and changing.

[wildmonkeys]

I did - I met a great friend at my old job and we had our first dc at the sametime - we have gotten them together alot over the years and they adore each other and she and I have alot in common as far as our ideals about peace & justice in the broader world.

However, she is SUPER strict and very driven about her dds academics (the kids are only 4) She is working hard to teach her dd to "sight read" and whatnot. She was constantly correcting ds (and often my parenting) for things that seemed trivial to me. For instance if my ds said "more please" to me she would say "don't you mean, "may I have more XXX please mommy" Or once we were playing at their house and ds took the train off the track and put it on the floor and she told him that wasn't "how he should play with it" Anyway, it was nothing major - it was just sort of constant and it seemed like ds was being corrected for things that in my opinion were weird. I sort of focus on the bigger stuff and leave it to him to figure out where to put the trains, ya know?

Anyway, this spring it all came to a head because ds was swing on the monkey bars and her dd started to climb up the ladder and she got really harsh with him and told him that it was dangerous to hang over the ladder because if some decided to climb up he might kick them and that he could have hurt her dd. I didn't like her tone but then ds started to walk away and she grabbed him by his arm pulled him over to her dd and told him to say he was sorry - ds pulled away and started crying and I picked him up and walked off the playground. She and I have talked about it at length and have made plans to get together again but I always cancel....I just don't think I can move past it.

To be honest her parenting style seems to work well for her dds - they are bright sweet happy children (though as you would expect a bit timid and afraid to try anything new) so I guess the issue was more that I didn't like how she was "parenting" my child.

Anyway, it is good to hear I am not alone because I have felt terrible about the end of the friendship.

Thanks Mamas!
BJ
ben & barney

[RBinTEX]

I know this thread is getting old, but this is a topic that has been on my mind, and when I saw it I had to reply. I'm wondering what will become of the friendships I have made over the past few years now that I have a new baby due any day now. My other children are 12, 10, and 8, and the group of ladies I run with all have children around the same age. They're all great moms. We met through volunteering at the schools, and our kids and husbands are all friends as well. Our families get together on the weekends, and we ladies sneak off for Mexican food and a margarita occasionally when the kids are all in school. (Pre-pregnancy, of course.)

When I found out about our surprise baby, they were all thrilled, but I forsee some bumps in the road. While discussing babies one day, I mentioned how long my other children had nursed (3ish years each, tandem nursing) and they looked at me like I was from another planet. They are speechless when they ask about a nursery, crib, swing, etc., and I tell them the baby will sleep with me. And there's the invitation to hurry up and get a sitter so we can go out for a celebratory glass of wine. I've got to explain that I don't do sitters, and if we go for lunch, so does baby. I hate to think what they'll do when I whip out a boob at the tea room.

I might not have the same group of friends for long. Sigh.