I know I’m still whining, but this is so hard!! All morning, I gathered numbers to call, places where all I had to do was have the balls to ask, and I might find help. Finally, I appreciate the sentiment that coming to MDC took some guts! I need to do that again! Why must I feel like I’m giving up, in trying to get help? Why do I feel defeated, like the part of me that wants to destroy me is now winning? Is that just some real fancy double-talk, so my unwellness can protect itself? Why do I insist on feeling some part of me has to lose here!?
Sometimes, I think, if there are meds that will remove or even shrink this unwilling-to-move block, then bring ‘em on. But there are also times when I feel I can’t kill or even change this rock in my way until I at least determine something of its nature… Does it come from me? Is it me, some part of me? Sometimes it looks subliminally familiar, like when I recognize I am some character in a dream quite unlike who I am when awake (i.e. a different sex, or age, or species). Sometimes I think this present ‘problem’ is alike other trouble-causing incidents in my life for one reason: I’ve had an impulse to do something affecting in this world, a feeling of something I really want to do that will have consequences – oh, poor human, having to take risks! – and instead of acting on it, I’ve choked! I doubted myself, second-guessed myself, and neglected to do what my heart and soul instruct me I might do. So sometimes I think what’s blocking me is this part of me that wants very much to reach out in the world, make contact, take risks, maybe receive rejection but maybe acceptance, too. This part which loves me, but is sick of seeing me have no faith in myself, and which has decided to sit here, in my face, and refuse to let me squirm away until I concede, and act.
At least, this is the way I’d rather look at it – alternatively, the getting better I need to do, as, I suppose I associate with all things kind and mildly, institutional and pharmaceutical, involves the surrendering and possibly also the sacrificing, of all those parts of me which I (and, in my perception, society) deem to be BAD. And while it is true that lots of those parts of me I suspect would need to be discarded in order to make me a Good Girl and a Nice Human again are certainly not very attractive or laudable, but they are still parts of me, and I’m such a packrat – I don’t want to part with a thing!
When fantasy almost nearly met reality (no-one else knows how nearly I came to attempting to involve them), I saw the disparity between them, and appalled myself with the thought that I was not as liked (etc. etc.) by this person as I thought I was. It didn’t help that I had no-one I felt I could talk to about it. I got so sad about it! And confused about what it was I wanted – just a one-night three-way fling? Some impossible seeming extension of that? A more impossible sounding friendship, after having had all these thoughts? I’ve been reading back through my scribbles through all this mess, trying to see where it went so wrong, where I might be able to straighten something out. I don’t know – I realize how terribly long I’ve been ripping away at myself, hollering inside, quiet out…barely eating (I’ve lost twenty pounds in the last year and a half, and I was a 140lb., at 5’10”, before that), letting everything slide and slide til it was almost out of sight (if you’d told me three years ago that I would be acting this way now, I would’ve been appalled, I would not have believed I could slip so easily off the good-mommying wagon!). I have been, as so acutely it has been observed, punishing myself and beating myself into a pulp, in the hopes that someone would notice me, or care what was happening to me. Well, I hid it too well, or put up too good of walls, because I’ve driven myself to the brink, and nearly over, and no-one’s going to come and rescue me. If I don’t want to blow apart my life, I have to get up and do the work myself.
I can’t say enough how good it is to remember, though, I really can ask for help along the way, and people really will be willing to give freely of themselves.
Do you think, if I chose a new I-mean-to-stay username, instead of this I-might-run-away-at-any-moment name, and came in through the front door, which I’m beginning to clue in as being the Pleased To Meet You board, and took my shoes off and politely said hello, and properly introduced myself… do you think I could do a passable-enough job of convincing a few people here I’m a civilized human? Shyly hiding in behind all these unnecessary words, but in there, somewhere?
Can I ask, too, if anyone else does want to PM me? Or if I may PM you? I'd like to talk more - and no, number572, I haven't exactly been getting bombarded! I think I'm going to pretend it's because I'm a newbie and I don't really get how it's supposed to work?