Please help- dd's feeling are hurt by a "friend"

[Peppermint]

I babysit for a little boy (age 6) after school every day. My dd is 4 1/2 and my ds is 3, the little boy, we'll call him "J" is a pretty nice, normal kid for his age. He prefers to play with my son, I see this. He occassionally excludes my dd, sometimes I step in and say that "it's not nice or acceptable to exclude one person". I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not .

I try to spend lots of time with them all at the playground where there are other kids for my dd to play with, but, at some point we have to come home to wait for "J"'s dad to pick him up, and that's when we usually have problems with the exclusion.

DD just came to me with tears in her eyes (J is not here right now, so she is hurt by something she just remembered happening yesterday). She chokes up telling me that "J said, it is better when she is not around" to ds. DD knows J was talking about her.

It is soooo hard when your child is hurt, left out, etc. I'd rather he had punched her in the face, yk? THAT I could deal with easily. "We don't hit in this house".

I don't know- my gut tells me to have a little talk alone with J today. To tell him that what he said really hurt dd's feelings, made her cry. I am tempted to tell him that if the excluding dd continues his parents will need to find somewhere else for him to go after school (or to tell his parents that). Let my dd's feelings be hurt for $40 a week?

I know I am being silly- people WILL hurt my dd and I won't always be able to fix it, if I even should.

Sigh- I am just crying for dd right now.

The worst part is dd loves J- gets really excited when he is coming and then he rejects her- I don't know how I'll live through the teen years without killing someone else's kid. :

Wise mamas- tell me what to do/ not do. PLEASE!

[ILuvMyBaby]

O hunny...I am so sorry for you. It is so hard to see our babies hurt. I would talk to his parents, and let them know something has to be done and they will have to find other arrangements.

[maya44]

I think you should just tell her the truth.

"Honey, many boys J's age just don't want to play with ANY girls. Its not you, its just that you are a girl. When you are J's age you may find that you really don't feel like playing with boys."

I really think that around 6 it is fairly normal and natural for kids to pull away from opposite sex kids. I think if your dd understood this is nothing personal she would not be so hurt.

[kaimama]

I would gently tell J that he has hurt your dds feelings, tell him how excited she is when he comes over and how much she likes him.
I would not tell him that if he continues to exclude her you won't be able to watch him anymore, he will just resent your dd for that and he may turn away from her even more. Talk to his parents about resorting to that.

My girls (ages 10 and 6) play with the neighbor boys and our friend's boys all the time, it might be more of an age thing than a gender thing.
Maybe J finds your younger child easier to lead into his play than your dd?

Good luck to you, it is so hard when our babies get their feelings hurt.

[KellyB]

Originally Posted by kaimama

I would gently tell J that he has hurt your dds feelings, tell him how excited she is when he comes over and how much she likes him.
I would not tell him that if he continues to exclude her you won't be able to watch him anymore, he will just resent your dd for that and he may turn away from her even more. .

I totally agree with that. At 6, I think kids are still totally self absorbed, but also capeable of empathy.
If he doesn't care that your dd was deeply hurt, it probably would be a good idea for you to stop watching him.
But maybe he just doesn't know any better...he might not realise that dd is capeable of such complex emotions,or that ds isn't old enough to know what not to tell his sister. A good talk with him (by you or his parents, depending on what they're like) could enlighten him...
He's the oldest of the group, so it might help to let him know that's he's got a very important job...helping to look out for the happiness of the younger 2.
Just my insight...good luck.
So sad your dd has already had her heart broken by a boy...

[zaftigmama]

That's such a hard situation to deal with. People will hurt your kids feelings, that's true. But that doesn't mean you have to let it happen in your house.

I would try a few things. I would talk to J's parents and tell them he is hurting your daughter's feelings, to see if they can talk to him. I would do that because if you end up telling them you can't watch him, they'll be forewarned.

I would talk to J about it, and be casual but direct. I would tell him that he may prefer your son's company, but you have two kids and they both need to be included. Also, tell him how happy your daughter is to see him.

I would also invite a friend over for your daughter to play with or arrange a playdate at a friends house. Not every day, but occasionally. Explain to her that the boys will play with her sometimes, but they would also like some time to do 'boy stuff.' And she can have her own playdates that J and your ds aren't included in.

Also, maybe planning some projects or games that involve all the kids together will end some of the excluding. Nothing elaborate, you don't want to have to prepare stuff just to babysit a neighbor. But a scavenger hunt, or a game of hide and seek or tag- something they can all do together may show the boys that it's fun to play together at times.

Good luck, I am feeling your pain. I hate when I see that hurt look pass across my daughter's face. And the worst part is knowing it will happen in the future and I won't be around to help her out all the time. It's so true what they say about having kids being equivalent to having your heart walk around outside your body.

Take care,
Andie

[sueami]

hi patty -- ((hugs)) to you. i totally understand the mama bear reaction to this!

i think i would try to chat with the boy when you can do so without your children overhearing, and mention that dd is feeling sad about being excluded sometimes (i think it's important to remember that it's only sometimes. i know i often take one or a few incidents and make them into a huge and constant problem) and ask him what may be going on for him at those times. why does he want to play only with your son? that may help you figure out what you could do to help her play more, or to help explain to her why he wants to play with just your son some of the time.

another thing here is just helping your daughter to understand that not everyone is going to want to play with her or anyone all the time and that it's not about her at all. i've had to talk to my dd about this as she really wants a couple of older girls in the neighborhood to play with her much more than they do. so we talk about how they have different interests and like to do different things than dd does often. so it's not about dd not being fun, it's about their liking different activities.

if it were me, where i went next would depend on what i heard from the boy about his reasons (if it's gender separation, that might be the opening for some interesting discussions. if it's different play styles or activities, i might offer to play with my dd when she is feeling excluded, or i might think about leading a cool science project or play activity that would interest all three, for example) but i'd try to think of him with love and understanding too.

hth,
warmly,
susan

[siddie]

I think the other poster's all had good points but I see it a little differently. As the caregiver for all 3 kids, you are in charge. You can tell them that they must all play together nicely when at your house. It is a house rule. Step in and help out by saying something like, "oh, you are building a road, dd can help with this side." If they are playing with a ball, everyone gets a turn. It should be an easy remedy once the older boy understands the new rules. You can take control of this situation.

[Peppermint]

Thanks so much mamas- I needed a few days to settle from this before I came back to it.

Well, before I even had any responses to this thread (oh why can't I learn to wait until I know what to do?) I talked to J. I brought him home from school, sent my kids inside to start snack, and kept J on the porch. I told him exactly what dd had told me, he said he didn't remember that and I could see he felt bad. I started out talking about how I don't want dd's feelings hurt and by the expression on his face, I was softened into talking about how NOBODY likes to be excluded, and how I want ALL of the kids here to feel comfortable playing together. I told him that if HE ever feels left out by ds and dd that he should tell them how he feels and let me know if he is being made to feel sad. In the end, I think I was pretty good with the conversation, although admittedly, I went into it with my mamabear claws out .

Anywho- I was thinking a lot about what all of you wrote, J's best friend is a girl, so I don't think it's a gender issue, but I am trying to realize that it shouldn't matter *why* he said that to her so much as helping her deal with it, and possibly preventing it from happening again with creativity. As far as talking to her about it, I am going to wait until it happens again (heaven forbid) I think, as I think she is "over it" so to speak and I don't want to hurt her feelings again.

I am thinking that I need to plan more structured play for when J is here, and that *I* need to be completely present more, like planning activities which require my supervision.

I do realize that I can't always shield my kids from being left out, but I don't want it happening in their home, YK? I know they may do it to each other as they get older, I just feel incredibly guilt for being paid to care for a boy who is hurting dd's feelings in her own home, yk? Am I making any sense?

I talked to my mom about this and she said it is the hardest part of motherhood, when someone hurts your child's feelings, I hope she is right, b/c boy was that hard.

You each gave me great things to think about, and I really appreciate the advice when I was clearly a little too upset/hurt to think rationally about this little boy who really is a great kid.