Struggling as a new SAHM, leaving a career...

[Rainbow]

DH's new coworker had a baby girl say 4 or so months ago. The mom really wants to stay home, but is really struggling to let go of her full and active career life, to stay home.

We've been "talking" through our DH's for a couple months now. They've had some difficulties and issues and DH would call me, and relay the message and they've manage to keep breastfeeding.

Her DH has had to leave work to come home and help her because she is really struggling, and she is just generally really stressed being home- though logically she really wants to be there. Her DH says she is ont he verge of a nervous breakdown.

I know a lot of other moms really struggle with similar issues and I'm just wondering how I can help her. Any ideas? I can't exactly plop down on her sofa and chit chat with her... but she's on my mind a lot and I'd really like to know if there is anything I can do? Pass along a good book or article or website? Any ideas?

[MsMoMpls]

Could be post partum depression. It is much more prevelant than most people think. She needs some professional support. Call the hospital where she delivered and ask about PPD. The transition from work to home is very hard, the transition to motherhood hard. She just needs a lot of normalization, support, a shoulder to cry on. More mommy time. She should also get to some support meetings, she should also post here!!! This is the most supportive place on the planet.

[Rainbow]

I hope they do check for that- but I do think ti is deeper than that alone.

[Lucky Charm]

Have you though about writing a note and dropping it in the mail? Or finding a good book, sticking the letter in their and making sure she gets it?

I think any transition can be difficult, especially for people who hate change. Leaving a career is a big deal, but many people leave it with a sigh of relief, without difficulty and some don't, like your friend.

The nervous breakdown statement concerns me. Her husband having to leave work is another sort of warning. I have three kids, the oldest being 17, and i don't think i have ever called my husband home from work. *Except* for the one time when my first was about 5 months old. she never slept, screamed all day and night, nursed till my nipples almost fell off.....and i wanted to hurt her. and myself. I called my husband calm as can be, and told him i wanted to throw her and myself out the window, or give her up. This is the truth. He came home right away, we talked and things changed....the biggest thing was my husband being more helpful, giving my baby bottles in the middle of the night on Fri & sat, so i could get some rest.

Maybe this woman is feeling overwhelmed, and her husband isn't doing all he can or should. (although their are plenty of dads out there that do, and their wives still struggle).

If you cant find a book, maybe cook something, a pot of soup, some baked ziti, and write a note, putting your phone number in there.

She needs something, thats for sure.

[Rainbow]

From what DH's sharing her DH is very supportive. If he is presenting an accurate picture, I think he helps a lot.

I would love to send a book- btu I am afraid the "normal" books i give away would just inspire more guilt or problems. She is already trying to do all these things, I'd hate to give her a book saying "hold your baby" when that is what she is trying to do already- you know? Is there a book that will focus on the changes a mother goes through when staying home without saying "you need day care, get out, use formula so your partner can share the work...etc..etc?"

Thank you for the suggestions... it is so hard to know what to do when I've never been there- you know?

[MsMoMpls]

Dr. Sears Fussy Baby Book.

I would think she needs a more personal outreach. I would think having someone just stop by with lunch or a treat or offer to hold the baby while she takes a bath or drop in a load of wash for her- not likely she has energy to read a book right now.

[Rainbow]

I agree with you there, and as soon I can I think I will try to reach out in person. In the mean time should I send flowers? A gift certificate to get a massage? or just chill and wait?

[Rainbow]

I'm going to prepare a meal... but nothign feels like enough.

[mommabear]

I just wanted to say that I think it is really great that you are doing what you can to help -- just knowing she has someone to contact will be a big help I am sure. From my own experience, the transition to motherhood was much harder than I expected, and I desperately wanted to be a mom and had fully set aside my career ambitions. What I struggled with was this new identity, a whole new way of defining myself, and it sounds like it is similar for your friend. I agree with what the above posters suggested, and don't really have much more advice, other than to say that hopefully with time and support she will acclimatise to her new identity (even finding other moms to talk to about it might help). Also, I remember seeing a book written by Martha Sears called (I think) "25 Things Every New Mother Should Know" and it really validated my experience. Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I hope that helps. And again, you are a good friend to reach out to her .

[Rainbow]

I'll look up that book, thank you for the suggestion!

[griffin2004]

Rainbow,
You're a really good person to take such a caring interest in this woman.

I'm in month 9 of a 1-year SAHM, and I can SO relate to your friend's distress. I was OK about leaving my career, but once it was gone I found myself grieving it like I'd lost a dear friend.

I found it so easy to slip into depression, and finding a compatible counselor has helped me immensely. Would she consider something like that?

I also get a lot out reading publications like Brain Child magazine, the Girlfriends Guide books, and Salon.com articles on mothering and family life. This has helped me realize that I didn't shelve my brains, creativity, ambition, etc. when I became a mom; I just get to use those abilities in a way I'd never had to before.

I would have become anyone's personal slave for life if they had arranged a housekeeping service for me for a couple of months or one of those personal chef services where they show up on your doorstep with a month's worth of dinners. I am not a naturally gifted homemaker and I felt oppressed by the drudgery of it all.

As much as I love talking about DD, I also love talking about current affairs, books I've read, gardening, etc. If you get a chance to talk to this woman, maybe you'll find non-baby topics she can warm up to. This helped me realize that my personality and my "self" wasn't completely subsumed by DD or motherhood.

I've heard about a group called FEMALE (Former Executive Mothers at the Leading Edge). Is there something like that in your area? I'd bet that many of the members have gone through similar difficulties.

So many people said to me "call if you need anything" but what I really needed was for them to call me or just show up on my doorstep. I didn't have the spare energy to take the initiative plus I was afraid of imposing.

I think the people I appreciated the most in those early dark days were those who didn't sugarcoat my difficulties, who acknowledged what a hard time I was having, but who had faith in me nonetheless. It takes a real friend to say "yeah, your life really does suck right now, but you're smart and strong and you love this baby and I just know you'll figure out a way to get where you want to be. How can I help?"

--Trish

[2boysandadog]

I had a really hard time w/ the transition from work to motherhood. It's really hard - I mean, you move to what you consider the most important job in the world and you end up w/ no more perks, no more praise, no raises, no salary, no one saying thanks and you did a great job today. Just a screaming baby who won't stop crying and you. You're dh comes home and he tries to be nice, but he keeps telling you about how his coworker's wife takes care of 3 kids (all older, not infants), cleans the house, takes out the trash and has dinner waiting on the table.
What she needs is someone to talk to. Could you get her in touch w/ other moms w/ young babies to form a playgroup or stop by once a week and talk about how hard having a baby really is? I remember it seemed like everyone else had these babies who were just happy all the time. Mine had reflux, he had "colic" for 6 months, he didn't sleep thru the night until he was 2. He had to be held all the time. He cried if I turned on the TV. Then, I joined this playgroup and one of the other moms was "confessing" that when her dd was a newborn she remembers being sooo tired that the baby was crying and she just fell asleep through the crying *with the baby laying right next to her*. Then when she woke up like an hour later, *the baby was still crying.* I remember actually feeling relieved that I wasn't the only one who couldn't make my baby happy all the time no matter what I did. That I wasn't the only one who just felt exhausted and overwhelmed. That I wasn't the only one who wasn't perfect.
Anyway, I think she needs to get in touch w/ other moms who either have young babies or who had fussy babies and talk to them once a week or even once every two weeks. Not sure how to do it, though. Mine just kind of fell in my lap...

[isaberg]

Originally Posted by 2boysandadog

What she needs is someone to talk to. Could you get her in touch w/ other moms w/ young babies to form a playgroup or stop by once a week and talk about how hard having a baby really is?

Amen to that! The more adults in similar situations she can talk to, the better. I don't know if you have ECFE (early childhood family education) type classes where you are - your local community Ed (run through the school district, typically) should know if there's something like that, or check with the local hospital maternity ward or the County Public Health Nursing Service. We're in rural MN, and the ECFE Babytalk classes saved my life - it was a free drop-in class once a week, and there was a nurse to dispense advice (not so helpful) and lots of other moms to connect with (amazingly helpful).

[Rainbow]

Thanks I think I know what you all mean. I had very very easy babies, and still had times of struggle. I still can't keep my house perfect and I get dinner made half the week. :LOL I can't imagine doing the same with a child who isn't content or happy most of the time.
I'm going to work on this, and see what I can do. Thanks so much It really helps to know what to say, and what not to say

[srain]

I felt a lot like it sounds like she does, and I would have loved help and company. Someone to come over and play with the baby for just half an hour every once in a while would have made a big difference.