Panicking about having another baby!

[Scout]

Hi,

I just found out I'm pregnant. My son turned 3 yesterday. My husband and I tried for the pregnancy -- it wasn't an "accident." I kept checking for my period, thinking I'd be disappointed if we didn't conceive this month, but now I keep checking for my period, waiting to breathe a sigh of relief.

Everything is just so easy and wonderful now with our little family of three. I keep thinking, "What have we done?!" I really wanted another baby because I thought I'd regret it years later if we only had one child. Now I'm thinking we made a mistake. Isn't that awful??? The truth is, I go back and forth many times daily feeling excited then feeling panicky and fearful.

Please tell me someone else had these feelings upon becoming pregnant with their second (or third, or more). I just don't know how we will manage... I feel like our lives are so full already.

Any reassurance right now would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Scout

[Foobar]

Deep breath. I have just enlarged our family with little Moo and life is great!

Yes, it is tougher with two, but we have twice as much love going around.

In fact, I find the second child much easier because I say "So what if she does (pick your favorite panic from your first child).? She'll be fine. All she needs is love!"

I broke down MANY times in the first trimest on how I was ruining Goo's life and my own, but now, it is WONDERFUL! You are having normal feelings. Let them flow through you. Don't hold them in. Once they have run their course, you can start to really enjoy your second child growing...

[isaberg]

Well, I'm not gonna be real helpful here, because I'm just a few months behind where you are - I'm off birth control, but just like you, I keep wavering back and forth. I was an only child and generally enjoyed it, but I do want to have a big family, and have no idea how you manage with more than one.

Then again, when we were pregnant with #1, everyone kept telling us that "your lives are gonna change, it will be a massive upheaval, you'll never have fun again!" And it ended up being about the same disruption as a job change - noticable, but no really big deal. So I've decided that I'm going to take the horror stories about #2 the same way - it's just not going to be a big deal if I just roll with what life hands me.

Part of me loves my daughter so much that I don't want to give that attention away to someone else, but I also know that if I give her a sibling, she may very well end up with more attention down the road, as there will be someone else to play with, someone who will be a lot more fun than mama at the mysterious ways of imaginary play. I was an only, and let me tell you, there were times in my life when I would have liked _much less_ parental attention. :-)

So I keep muttering "God won't give me more than I can handle" every time I want to hash the decision over with my husband for the 198th time. :-)

[alaska]

Oh Scout! I could've written your post! (Except for the "I'm PG" part - we're in the 2 ww of our second month TTC...)

I doubt I'm offering any words of wisdom here. In our case, my DH is gung-ho. I feel like you. I have come to the conclusion that I *think* it will all work out in the end. When I think about being 90 and looking back on my family, I always envision more than one child. Reading posts on this board and others, I've realized that this mess of emotions I'm having (and you too, apparently!) while TTC #2 are completely normal. I'm desperately clutching on to that belief

I'm anxious to read what the other posters think... hoping lots of people with more than one respond and ease our fears
amy

edited b/c I just read the post from goo & moo's mom - hooray! I'm going to print that out and look at it everytime I start freaking out...

[annakiss]

I'm pregnant with #2 as well. Very newly pregnant in fact. I've been dealing with a lot of constant nausea the last few days, and have been asking myself what makes me think I can do this? But I know that I will feel like something is missing years from now if I had only one. I know in my core that I want more than one child. I just don't always know it when my only child is being extra demanding, or when we're having a crummy day. It's not the end of the world. I sort of look at the early years as something to survive in a way because it is so demanding and so exhausting. I know that I will survive the second infancy. People do it all the time. I'm tough enough! And I'm sweet and loving enough too! It will be okay, I'm certain and my kids will still be parented in a wonderful, loving manner, even if sometimes I slip up and feel short-tempered or just miserable like it's been lately. Your concerns are normal!

[isaberg]

BTW, Scout, thank you for starting this thread! It's kinda what I needed right now, but I didn't much realize it. It's funny how writing things out helps me figure out what I'm feeling. (You think I'd just know... Everyone has such great perspectives and insights.... Keep posting, O Those-Who-Have-Gone-Before!

[mclisa]

1 + 1 does not equal 2

Having 2 little ones is a lot of work, but oh so fun! Last night the 3 yr old "helped" give the 1 yr old a bath. It was so funny to watch. They are the best of friends (at times). In some ways it is easier because you've been there done that. I caught on to BF faster the 2nd time around. You are used to getting the diaper bag ready.
Now I get to have 2 big smiles to brighten my day!

[BlueStateMama]

Scout I'm right there with you! I'm almost 13 weeks with #2 and instead of the unmitigated happiness and excitement I felt with DS, I'm anxious and feel really guilty - like I'm somehow betraying my little nursling. I was trying to get pg, I know I want more children, I love love LOVE being a mom, but I can't shake the "Oh man, what have I done???" feeling. I stress about my milk supply, I really worry about being in the hospital to deliver the baby (I've never been away from DS for more than 2 hours) and about how he's going to handle a baby and no longer being the only one. I rationalize it and think that the only alternative is to only have ONE child, and I know we are meant to have more, I think that he'll likely forget ever having been the only one within a month or so, and that if these thoughts prevented people from having multiple kids, everyone would be an only child....but I still lose sleep over this issue. Plus, I'm so crazy about DS, I can't imagine loving anyone as much! I feel like a stranger is coming to crash the party...isn't that awful??? :

(note to self - be sure DC #2 never grows up, logs onto MDC and reads this in archives..poor kid would be telling therapists about this for years!! : )

[miss_sonja]

That's just how I felt when I got pregnant with #2. Planned and everything! That's why pregnancy lasts 9 1/2 months:-)

I felt guilty, because I got pregnant when DD1 was just shy of 3yrs. She was still nursing a lot and I knew I'd lose my milk. It was a hard time emotionally, but everything worked out and we're all really happy now. Considering having a third even!

[momatheart23]

You know in some ways the second is more "scary" than the first, because you know what a huge ride it is, and you are even more worried because you have another child to consider in the whole equation. I went through a ton of panic with my second, more than I did with the first. But now that my new baby is 10 months I will tell you it is well worth it. When I see my big boy wake up and smile and say that's brother Matthew and give him kisses and hugs it melts my heart. When the baby is crying in his car seat and my oldest tries to distract him and soothe him I know he is learning empathy. Now that doesn't mean that there aren't tough times when they both want something and I feel overwhelmed but I know they are both learning that they don't always get every desire met the moment they have it and are learning patience. They are learning how to deal with jealousy and sharing on a day to day moment to moment basis and they will learn that even when we are mad at someone that doesn't mean we don't love them and we have to work through rough patches. I knew I wanted siblings for all the lessons they teach eachother, but that doesn't mean it is "easier" although I do find in the long run they entertain eachother more, wheras my niece who is an only child always wants an adult to entertain her. So the feelings you are feeling are totally normal, having two freaks me out way more than one, but in the end it is way worth it and I love seeing the bond building between my two amazing sons!

[Scout]

I knew I'd feel better after hearing from other moms -- thank you all so much. Because I'm just barely pg, I haven't told anyone IRL yet (except my husband, of course), so hearing that others have shared that same fear is quite reassuring. I'm having a less panicky day so far, although it's only 10:00am. I feel that same apprehension some of you expressed about changing the relationship with the first child. I have never dealt well with change, but like someone said, that's why we have 9 months -- very good point!

I do feel like the wonderment of it all is gone, and that the magic feeling only occurs with your first. But maybe that will change after I hear the heartbeat for the first time. I do, however, feel more confident about being a mom. For example, with nursing, cosleeping, attachment parenting, etc. My 3 yr old son is *amazing.* Truly. I remember during many sleepless nights wondering if we were doing the right thing, whether we were facilitating "bad habits" by responding to his every cry and having him sleep in our bed. But now I can see the benefits of all that, and I know that it really does "pay off," for lack of a better term. He is secure, affectionate, snuggly, and he *adores* me. Hey, I'm starting to feel a nice little surge of excitement and giddiness for baby #2! Woo hoo! I think I'll wait to balance my checkbook so as to savor this fuzzy emotion!

Thanks again, mamas. And keep the comments coming... I just may freak out again after lunch.