Should I pull him out of preschool?

[oceanbaby]

I have posted about my hesitations about preschool in general in the past. Ds is 3.5yo. We go to a wonderful preschool with great teachers. He loves it. But most days he won't let me leave. I have spent almost two weeks sitting in the classroom the entire time (4 hours) with the baby, which is difficult. When I'm there ds pretty much ignores me, just checking in once in awhile. But no matter how much we discuss it beforehand, once I get ready to leave, he either begs to come with me or starts crying.

I won't leave him there crying. I know they get over it - I have seen other kids cry and get over it while I've been there. But I'm just not going to do that with ds for numerous reasons.

He lets dh leave. One day he let me leave and started crying for me, which was apparently traumatic for him, as he told me about it every day for weeks ("I said I want mommy!"). Another day he let me leave and was fine. But today, no go.

So today I just took him home with me after being there for 2 hours, and of course on the ride home he was asking to go back to school again. I am trying to explain to him that if he wants to go to school, he has to go without me. But I don't like the sound of that.

But the school has been really great for him so far. His speech is improving, he has a lot of fun, he is better behaved at home because he's not bored, he's watching less tv.

So do I just sit there with the baby for as long as it takes? Or do we pull the plug and try again next year?

[PumpkinSeeds]

how old is your baby? Mine is 6 months and despite my plans of homeschooling I put my almost 3.5 yo in preschool 2x a week for 3 hours.

I talk about it A LOT with him about how I am going to pick him up after he's all done with school. ANd he says, "because you love me so much??" "Because we're family?" (from the madeline books)

When I drop him off I sit with him for 30 minutes then I say that I am going now. You are going to play with so and so, and you'll probably sing, play with glue, read a book, have a snack etc. and when you are all done, I'm going to come and get you. Because I will NEVER forget about you. Because we're family. Because I love you so much. BYe - bye. I walk out as teacher walks with him hand in hand to event of the moment (usually sand box).

THe only time he cried was when we had this long drawn out good-bye from the window. Very sad.

ANyways, I do feel guilty. 3.5 is very young and even he told me today, "mama, I was a school for a LONG time today" . Remember when three hours was such a long long time?

BUt it's only 2 days a week, and I get some one on one time with the baby.

[alegna]

Can you arrange for your DH to drop him off? That would seem to be the easiest solution. If that isn't a possiblity I would go into talk-it-to-death mode. Have lots (and lots and lots) of discussions about how it's great that he loves it, but school is not for mommies. You're glad he likes to spend time with you, but school is time for him and his friends and his teachers. Talk and talk and talk and talk. I've found that at that age some kiddos really need a lot of talking through how things are going to happen before they're okay with them. If a couple more weeks of intensive discussion don't seem to help, maybe pull him out if that seems best.

Good luck!

-Angela

[bubbles]

I think PumkinSeeds advice is great. With my almost 3.5 yo ds it helps a lot to set a specific time/event after which I will leave. If he truly loves it there and lets your dh drop him off he is just making the best of the situation by making you stay with him. Of course he loves it more that way, but it seems that it is ok for you not to be there. I would definitely give him a specific event after which you will leave (circle, story, snack, etc.) and then give him lots of loving reassurance (before hand too) and then leave. My ds sometimes cries when I leave him places and stops two seconds after I am out the door. He even smiles about it to my mom like he knew what he was up to. Good luck! I hope you can work out a solution that works for your family.

[babyj]

I also will not leave my son crying. What helped us was saying "I'll stay for 5 minutes while you start playing". After 5 minutes was up, I'd hug and kiss him and make sure he was in the teacher's arms before I left. He was a bit sad but not crying. I'd also tell him I'd pick him up before lunch time and that we'd go home and eat lunch together after school. DS was the same as yours, I would stay in class and be completley ignored for 2 hours. I did tell him that school is a place for children (I never said not for Moms but that was implied)....for children to learn and play and visit the hamster....whatever his interests are. I also talk alot about how the teacher loves children, and in the classroom the teacher will help you. I've also told him that Mommy would never leave him in a place that she didn't think was safe and loving etc. I talk in the car on the way to school about what he might do that day. "Will you slide on the green slide? "Will you see Philip?" etc. For us this lasted several weeks. If he asked me point blank to stay I would. He would always be very happy when I picked him up and the teacher would tell me he was very happy in class. Also, IMO, all the staying helps you know the routine of class and what to talk about. My DS will be 3 in November and started pre-school this year.

babyj

[matts_mamamama]

Well, my son is a bit younger (13 months), but he goes to "school" (yes, it's really daycare, but we call it school, as they learn so much!) 3 days a week. At first, I would stay for hours and then leave, but now I can leave within a few minutes. One of the caregivers takes him and he DOES cry as I walk out the door. The ONLY reason I am ok with this is that I've watched through the window and on the security monitors and he cries only until I am out of sight. Literally, in the time it takes me to walk the 75 steps to the cameras, he's already laughing and playing!

Obviously, all kids and all ages are different, but just knowing I could walk back in and pick him up and walk away if I needed (or rather, he needed), gave me all sorts of peace of mind. I think you're getting some good advice; good luck with whatever you choose. Also, I've heard that it takes up to a month for some kids to get used to a new situation like care or school. Since it's doing some good for him, maybe hang in a little while longer? :

[beth568]

Have you read "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn? It's about a little raccoon who's afraid to leave his mommy and go to school. She gives him a special kiss on his palm so that he can remember her, and it makes him feel better. It's a very nice story, and I read it with my DD whenever she seems nervous about my leaving her at preschool. Might be a nice thing to try with your little one.

Good luck. It's a hard thing, but I do think it's nice for you to have some one-on-one time with the baby if you can.

[mamaduck]

I would not leave mine crying either. We spent a year getting him accustomed to sunday school. My DH eventually just signed on as a teacher.

He's been nervous about being left at preschool but hasn't cried yet. We talk a lot through the week about what our drop off plan will be. The first few weeks, I went in with him and sat on the rug while he played, and I let him know that I would stay until the bell. They ring a bell for circle time (a little bell). When the bell rang, I hugged him and said, "See you in a short while..." And left. I peeked through the window and saw that once the transition was complete, his face relaxed.

Now, most days, he allows me to pull up to the front door, the teacher comes out and takes his hand, and they walk in together. I walked him in one day this week when we had a rough night and he was kind of tired.

I guess my advice would be to go over the classroom routine and pick a point that you will leave, and spend a lot of time preparing him for that -- and see if it makes a difference for him to have that in his head in advance.

[mountain]

Oceanbaby, I would not leave my baby to cry. I just don't feel like she should have to go through that at such a young age! We are extrememly broke voluntarily b/c we wanted our children to have our time---our co-op preschool was for her to have fun with kids her age. I stay until she wants me to go. Sometimes I'll say, "I have some boring errands to do--post office, etc (she hates these)---would you rather stay here & play or go do boring stuff with me?" Then she almost pushes me out the door "go do boring stuff!" she just woke up gotta go. HTH

[oceanbaby]

Thanks for all your input. I have been very specific about times when I'll leave and times when I'll come back. We talk about, we'll walk in the door and he'll tell his teacher, I'll remind him, and then when it's time for me to go, he begs to go with me or starts crying.

I think I'm going to stay for awhile longer and see what happens.

Mountain - I wish my ds hated those errands! That's one of the problems - I can't think of anything to say I am going to go do that he wouldn't want to do with me.

I have been saying I'm going to go out to the car for a few minues, and then I just sit out there with the baby for 10 or 15 minutes or so. He does fine with that.

And I am going to look for the book the Kissing Hand. I like that idea. We've been reading a book about preschool that addresses it, but I like the raccoon idea better.