For Mamas (or Papas) Affected by a loved one's drug/alcohol addiction

[Mamabeakley]

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[jstar]

my dh has an alcohol problem. i too decided to have a baby knowing that.

we have periodic blowup arguments. not about his drinking but because he'll be drunk and be an asshole sometimes. now that i have a baby i'm done putting up with it. its the mama protection thing kicking in. i'm not going to let him be a drunk asshole in front of our child. so the last time this happened (a month ago) i told him to move out. he doesn't want to. he hasn't stopped drinking but he's definitely making a concerted effort to not get drunk. i think he knows i'm as serious as cancer. and i'm HAPPY he's making the effort

but i still feel like it will happen again sometime. i don't want ds to grow up being scared of his dad's temper. i was never scared of my parents. they were so great and loving. i know he'll scare ds if he gets drunk and stupid.

i want to know that it will NEVER happen. but i don't know if its realistic. we have such a great relationship most of the time. i want it to be all the time. i know we won't get along perfectly all the time but right now the way he deals with problems (by bottling up his feelings until he explodes when he's drunk sometime) is not working. i feel like he has a major maturity threshold to cross. there's a lot of self-medication with alcohol (and weed). all tied into anger and resentment about his childhood.

obviously counseling would be key but he thinks no one can tell him anything he doesn't already know. or that would be helpful.

i'm kind of rambling. just want to say i am living with someone else's addiction. which can wax and wane in terms of control and whether or not i think its a problem. right now we're in a good phase i hope it means real progress is being made. maybe ds is the motivation he needs. i hope

[Mamabeakley]

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[buttercup]

Hi Everyone,

My DH is a drug addict and is currently in the Methadone program, which really saved him and our family. He has been in it for over 3 years. I have been in Al-Anon off and on in the past, but I recently have found the support from family members and friends to be what I need. Al-Anon helped me tremendously when DH relapsed (well, the first couple times).

I also reached a point where I needed to decide - Should I stay or should I go. I decided to stay because I knew that DH was a good man, but had a problem that was difficult for him to control. He knew he had one and was doing his best to get better. My only request to him was that I will trust him completely if he will always be open to me about his problem, feelings, etc. Basically, if he gets that first urge to go out and use, I should be the first person he calls. Our relationship has been great and we are taking it minute by minute, day by day.

We have 2 gorgeous kids and are just enjoying life.

[Mamabeakley]

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[jstar]

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley

Anger can be very scary.

You have a right to be safe and feel safe, and so does your son.

yes and yes

i don't want isaac to be scared. i don't get scared of him but i get MAD when he is out of control (when he has a freakout). he's like a child having a tantrum. stomping around being mean. i can't do or say anything right. i have to go to another part of the house or just get away from him at that point.

i had a couple of counseling sessions a year and a half ago and i talked about dh a lot. the counselor told me a few ways to talk to him about his anger. i think he would have anger problems without the alcohol. it is just really aggravated by it. you're lucky your dh is mellow mamabeakly

i've also had the 'should i stay or should i go' talk with myself a few times. and i decide to stay and try to lay boundaries. some of them have worked.

i know he won't ever quit drinking or smoking pot for us. it will be when HE wants to. in our last big discussions a month ago (which were some of the deepest discussions we'd ever had i think) i told him i just don't want alcohol to be a PROBLEM. i don't want him to get to the point of needing treatment and needing to go 100% sober. i don't want to be a tee-totaler. i just want to see some moderation.

his dad drank a lot with his mom and they got a divorce. he remarried, didn't drink and, lo and behold, he is still married to that wife. i sort of pointed this out and asked him if he thought his parents might have stayed together if his dad had gotten a grip on it earlier. because he didn't pull that crap with the new wife. it was kind of my 'lets not repeat the pattern' hint.

so i don't know. no one is perfect. its like this personal growth thing happening for both of us over time. as long as we're both still moving forward i think its worth it

and MAN already at 4 months ds idolizes his dad. he lights up with smiles when dh gets home. i don't get near as many. i'd hate for anything to ruin that for him!!

[buttercup]

Mamabeakley -

It is interesting that we share the same view. Honesty and Trust was the first step to my recovery over the issues I had w/ him and his affair w/ drugs (there were times I wish he had affairs w/ women...it would be easier on me). It is so difficult to be the one holding everything together...I was tired of being the family bread winner, mother, father, housekeeper, bill payer, peacemaker and a lier...I kept his problem a secret from those who would pass judgment or wouldn't understand. That burden is difficult to get rid of when the SO is in recovery, unless you have trust and honesty.

My DH's family are against him being in the Methadone program because they say he is 'cheating' ...he is not taking the 12 steps (which doesn't work for everyone, everytime). However, since he has been in the program, I have seen a new man emerge. The medication is regulated and he is stable. Those physical cravings are gone, but he still has to deal w/ some mental-emotional issues. He has not used AT ALL since he has been in the program. For the first time I have seen he was confident and actually happy. His entrance into methadone clinic has saved him, me and our relationship.

Enough of that. I have not told the kids because they are still too young to understand - 9 mos and 2 years. But, they will learn at an early age about drug and alcohol addiction and how it almost destroyed DH and his side of the family (practically everyone has a problem w/ drugs and/or alcohol) Not sure how we will raise the issue, but I know it has to be done around the time they are in or enter elementary school...that is when I first learned about drugs and witness friends using. Sad.

[buttercup]

jstar -

I was just thinking about your comment when you told mamabeakley that she is lucky her DH is mellow. My DH is mellow, but his brothers are not. 1 is an alcoholic who is very violent and the 2nd is an alcoholic/ drug addict who isn't violent...but suffers from paranoia and does weird stuff to protect himself. We have kept our address a secret from them because 1 has threatened our lives and the other has tried to put a 'hit' on is ex-wife so we are concerned that he might do it to us. I married into such a freaky family.

Just keep your chin up...I know it is hard. Remember that you and your baby are priority.

[Mamabeakley]

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[Mamabeakley]

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[jstar]

we plan to keep the drug use hidden from the kid(s) for sure. we even talked about it last night. it has moved out to the patio and i was verifying it is going to stay there...mentioned it because winter is coming.

i think its too much of a burden for kids. they get scared about something being illegal. more appropriate to talk about it when they can judge appropriate company to discuss it in. like junior high or early high school i think. i mean i think you have to talk to elementary school kids about drugs...just not in terms of 'our family' (of course i'm a first time mom though and i will probably eat a lot of my well-laid plans. kids are astute and if they start asking the right questions you just have to deal with it)

i wouldn't prefer the affairs with women either. he's completely faithful. dh was having an employment motivation problem though two years ago. that almost did it for me. i didn't feel like i had a 'partner' i felt like i had a 'mooch' this was before the baby even came into the picture. that is one of the things that he has made real changes in. he's stably employed and doing well at his company. he's contributing to our whole program

i know what you mean about the dh smiling more with the ds smiles. he is really sweet with him and i *hope* that ds has made his life happier. he had one of his big freakouts when i was about 7 months pregnant and told me he didn't want the baby. it HURT. i was scared to ask if he feels differently now but i did this weekend. he said he is really sorry he ever said that to me and he is really happy to have him. i do believe him because i can see it. i won't ever forget it but i guess it was his honest feelings at that time. and i'm just really happy he doesn't feel that way NOW. i don't want him to think it was a mistake having a baby. i think the love he feels from isaac is great for him (sounds cheesy but its true). this baby loves him already and expresses it to him. its something he needs

he was scared to have kids because he had such a crappy childhood. his mom is pretty crazy. she got divorced and became a major partier. left him and his sister alone a LOT at very young ages to go out all night and not come back. would bring lots of men home. his sister was just visiting in september and they were talking about it and it made me sad. his mom can't hold a job now and is still a major stress in his life. he has a lot of anger about her. this is where i think counseling could help. she IS crazy and its hard on him. he's embarassed and frustrated

i on the other hand had a total leave it to beaver upbringing. i'm just hoping that we can land somewhere in the middle with our family

buttercup--that is awesome that he hasn't used since he started the methodone

[buttercup]

I think why I can handle the affair w/ a woman better was I would have left him. It is certainly the easy choice to make compared to the choices I have had to make w/ regards to DH's problem. The burdens that accompany his problems use to pull me down into the depths of Hell w/ him. I can say that I am glad I did stay w/ him because learning about addiction and dealing w/ it as a family member has opened my eyes and made me more aware of the world around me. It also has taught me not to judge people and to accept them as they are, regardless if I agree w/ it.

AS for telling the kids, addiction is discussed openly in our families. However, we do have family members who do not think they have a problem. We also have A LOT of mental illnes in DH's side of the family, which makes sense why there is such wide spread abuse of any substance. It is very important that our kids know the truth early (elementary school). You can tell kids about the dangers of drugs and in reality it is their own personal choice on whether to try it or not. But, DH and I believe that if our kids know they are more prone to addiction than the average kid and how much damage it can cause just by DH providing some general, no-scary info, then that would be another thought they can process when someone asks if they want to just sample a joint or some other stuff. Most importantly, no matter what decision our kids make, we will make sure we have open communication (where they are comfortable to approach us about anything - good or bad) so they know that we will always be there.

I agree w/ the comment about our kids making DH smile. My DH transformed from a man to a father as soon as dd was born. It was as if he now had a reason for his existence...to preserve his family. DH is so much happier and full of life now that he has kids. He prefers to be around them all the time andhe goes through kid withdrawls when they are gone. He smiles more. The kids have also forced him to be more open and social since he is always getting approached by people who want to interact w/ the kids.

jstar - my DH was also afraid to have kids because of his terrible childhood. He didn't want his kids to go through the same. I told him they won't because he won't let it happen.

[jstar]

exactly what i told my dh. its within his power to be whatever kind of dad he wants to be. just because he didn't have a dad he was close with doesn't mean he can't figure out how to do it. its a chance to have that good father-son relationship in his life...with his own son. have that good childhood by giving it to your kid. it won't make his own crappy childhood go away but it seems like it could still be healing for him

[rainy32]

wanted to say hello.

my dh is nealry 3 years sober and 3 years in recovery. him staying in recovery is essential to our marriage staying together -- he doesnt' have to stay sober (thats a perk of recovery!) but he has to have a support network and people to talk to about his alcoholism, other than me. I can't handle the burden on thinking I can actually keep him sober!

we've been married nearly 7 years, together 9 1/2 -- he was sober on and off -- I always thought he was a binge drinker; he'd fall off, go to aa for 6 months or so, fall off again. He told me two years ago, while making amends, that he'd been drunk _often_ during our relationship. that really hit me hard. I realized how deep in denial I had been, how easily lied to, how much I wanted to believe anything he told me.

anyway, I was really into al-anon about 7 years ago (he got drunk 2 weeks before our marriage, and I found lots of comfort in al-anon during our early years) but haven't been going -- I read the literature; but I find that there are even better ways _for me_ to take care of myself: yoga, meditation, long walks, journaling. BUT now I'm pregnant and sometimes worried about how dh's addiction may affect our baby (my dad is an alcoholic....), so I'm considering going back again, while I'm on maternity leave for 9 months.

that's my story. I hope to check in here every once in a while, but I must admit to being a sporadic poster!

[Mamabeakley]

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[Mamabeakley]

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[buttercup]

Originally Posted by rainy32

I can't handle the burden on thinking I can actually keep him sober!

Yes, that is a big burden that many of us have and a good support system for us is necessary - whether it is al-anon, yoga, meditation or working. In the past, I have often worried that if I made comments that were too hurtful, it might cause him to relapse. Of course, I know it is not might fault that he relapses, but there has been 2 situations where DH would use after we had fights. Sometimes my words can be so harsh that I can make him feel like dirt...so I have always been very careful about how I phrase my sentences. I know that my DH relies on me for emotional support, even though he has support elsewhere. But we all have to draw the line on how much we can handle and I can tell you are stong because you drew that line. That is something Al-anon I have learned from Al-anon too.

Congrats on your pregnacy.

Originally Posted by rainy32

I realized how deep in denial I had been, how easily lied to, how much I wanted to believe anything he told me.

I understand that 110%. For the first 4 years of our relationship, I was in denial. My DH would come home high...I suspected, but I couldn't prove it until I found his stuff. Trust and honesty is what keeps our relationship strong, even when he does relapse.

So glad you joined this group. Welcome and we hope that you become a less sporadic poster

[callmemama]

Hi all. Man, I debated about blowing my anonymity here! I grew up in an alcoholic home, and even though I haven't lived with active alcoholism in years, my OWN recovery program is essential to my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Its also essential for my relationships! As for hiding stuff from the kids, they usually know something is up anyway, and sometimes their imaginations are even scarier than the situation... jmo.

[JR'smama777]

My former dh is an alcoholic and I left when our son was 3 1/2 months old because of it. I don't have enough time right now to really share my experiences (just logged on for a couple of minutes at work when I saw this thread), but I'll get back in the discussion later....

Thanks for the thread!

[jstar]

i suppose i'm pretty naive about keeping anything under wraps from the kids. i don't have any experience with it myself. my mom is a non-drinker, non-smoker. my dad smoked cigars and drinks wine with dinner. the first time i saw him really drunk was at his 40th birthday party. i grew up in a house of what i would consider to be totally normal and socially acceptable drinking. so they didn't have to hide anything from me and i didn't have any big revelations at any time.

i like alcohol myself. when i met dh we were in college and both going to bars and parties etc. its kind of like everyone is drinking a little too much and you couldn't predict 8 years later who would be still drinking too much and who would grow out of it as a college thing. i suppose i could have predicted he liked to drink a little TOO much.


little different topic. my dh is a smoker and i think he has the alcohol and cigarettes wrapped up in one big addiction. i hope someday he quits smoking but he has no desire to yet. its another thing i know he won't do for isaac or me. but will have to do for himself.

JR'smama i'm interested in hearing what your final straw was that caused you to leave? i keep saying to myself that every drunken blowup we have is my last straw. and then it happens again and i feel like such a sucker for thinking he'd change

he's REALLY trying right now. i can tell he's making an effort to keep it somewhat under control. actually we went out and had dinner and drinks on friday night because my friend offered to babysit. he had what i would consider to be too many drinks but i didn't say anything. he's not being mean. which is really when i just think 'forget it'