No Siblings by choice ??

[OhTheThinks.....]

Greetings all, my dh and I are deep in discussion about whether to have another child. We have one DS. I was wondering on thoughts from other moms who are also only children. I hear there is a phase of life where you may have wished you had a sibling, but then grew out of it, is that so?? Also now that you are a mom, do you wish you had a sibling to share it with, do you wish your child/children had an aunt or uncle ? And I guess lastly are any of you only child and also chose/chosing to have an only child? I am one of five siblings and would really appreciate any insight on your experiences. I do recognize there are issues on both sides of only child and sibilng issues, just would like to get some input from those who are actually living it. Take care and thanks in advance

[PikkuMyy]

I am a single child. My parents chose not to have another because I was a very ill child and they didn't feel capable of (emotionally) caring for me and a new baby. I think it was the right choice for them to make. Although I was lonely at times, I always found ways to play alone or find friends who lived nearby and it didn't cause me any harm.

[doctorjen]

I am an only. My mom was the oldest of 6 and my dad the oldest of 5. They had infertility and adopted me as an infant. They always thought they only wanted just one. I never really longed for siblings. I was a quiet, introverted kid, and enjoyed having my parents to myself, and lots of space physically and emotionally. As an adult, I do envy the relationships some of my friends have with their siblings, though. Overall, in my life, I think being an only was a good thing. My parents really meant well but were easily overwhelmed and having just one child was good for them. Also, they could focus on me alone, and not have to try to nuture more than one little person at a time.
I chose myself, though, to have a bunch, and don't regret that either. I love seeing my kids interact with each other and grow together.

[Dechen]

My husband and I are planning on having one child. He was an only, who feels very happy having been an only, and very happy with the idea of raising an only.

I don't think that giving your child a sibling is a good enough reason, in itself, to have another child. If you as a couple want more children, have them! If you do not, don't. Your first/only child will adjust to whatever circumstances you create.

[USAmma]

I agree with pp that it's not a good reason by itself to have another baby or not. I would weigh in your financial, emotional, and physical reserves more than anything else.

To answer your question, I had one hadicapped brother who was never really a playmate. He passed when he was 6 and I was 9. I really, really missed not having siblings. Maybe it was because I had a rough childhood and wanted someone to share it with. I had bunkbeds for sleepovers and missed not having a sib in one of the bunks to keep me company at night and talk to in the darkness. I missed not having a sib on roadtrips or at my grandma's house (I only have one cousin who's 16 years younger than me).

What I miss most is as an adult, having someone to call up to share my life with, someone who I can name in my will to raise my kids should something happen to dh and I, someone who can have a special relationship with my kids as an auntie or uncle. I've very isolated with a small family for generations. Dad, grandparents, one aunt and uncle whom I hardly see due to distance, and one cousin who's still in high school. My IL's are in India, so my dd's have no extended family that they see on a regular basis and it's sad.

I know I'm painting an idealized picture of what it might have been like to have a sib-- I know that things don't always go well between sibs.

Darshani

[Kirsten]

I will just give my dh's opinion since he was an only and I was not (and you asked for experience from onlies). He asked for a sib as a child but his parents thought they were too old (he was a surprise when his mom was 43 and his dad was 54!)

Before we got married, we discussed number of children. He said he didn't care how many as long as it was at least two. We have three (the third was his idea originally).

[~Megan~]

My mom is an only child. She really wishes she had a sibling. She has lots of cousins her age but its not the same for her.
Her parents have been ill the past few years and the responsibility was soley hers to take care of. She wishes she had siblings that shared her life with her and that understood her better than friends or cousins could.

[kaydee]

Originally Posted by Dechen

My husband and I are obly planning on having one child. He was an only, who feels very happy having been an only, and very happy with the idea of raising an only.

I don't think that giving you child a sibling is a good enough reason, in itself, to have another child. If you as a couple want more children, have them! If you do not, don't. Your first/only child will adjust to whatever circumstances you create.

I'm like your husband, a happy only child who will have only one child.

I don't ever recall wanting a sibling as a child (there were times, as an adult, however, where I did wish I had one). I consider my close friends to be like my sisters.

There were times growing up (and now) when I feel lonely. But I think that's part of the human condition, and not something unique to only children.

I, too, feel that this is a decision that is best based on what the parents want and feel is right for them.

[Dechen]

I think it is human nature to sometimes want what you don't have. I think it is normal for an only child to see good times between siblings and long for an idealized sibling relationship. The reality is that siblings come in all kinds.

I have a sister, and have often longed that we were more alike, or had a better relationship. I saw other people who had wonderful relationships with their siblings, and I envied that.

I have what I have, however. (My sister, btw, is not a horrid person. Just very different).

[jeca]

I don't knoe if my opinion weight here since I am not an only BUT, I had always wanted to be an only child but there was three of us instead. It wasn't because there wasn't enought to go around or anything like that, there was always plenty. My brother and I were almost four years apart, we played well as small children but that changed when we got older. My sister and I are 12 years apart, enough said, we never playe, I always babysat. I had always wanted to be an only child when we were younger for various reasons I guess mostly I was selfish and didn't like to be "bothered" with the duties of having younger siblings. I grew up, moved away and now, I have a sister 14 hours away who I can finally relate to and would like to see more and a brother who pasted away two years ago whom I miss very dearly and wish I hadn't thought the way I did as a child.
I guess I'm just saying that views change as time goes on and no telling how you or your child will feel down the line, leav it open as an option until it truly is no longer an option.

[isaberg]

I was an only child. I think it was because my father was an only, and liked it so much that he didn't want more than one himself.

In general, I really liked it. I grew up around grownups, and found them a lot more interesting than other kids, usually. The few times that we went somewhere where I had to sit at the "kid's table" I was really resentful, because the conversation was stupid. I think I did have a harder time as a teenager learning to find my way in the teen community. I also would have loved a sibling as a teen, to take some of the attention and pressure off.

In retrospect, I see that I was spoiled rotten - I got most things I wanted - but I learned very early that I would get what I wanted ONLY if I was beautifully behaved. I know a lot of other only children whose manners are godawful. I was part of the family - not part of "the kids" - but there was never any question as to who was in charge and what behavior was expected of me. They were really strict, but loving, and were always telling me how much I was loved and how much they appreciated my helping or my manners. They still do, constantly. :-)

People say only children don't know how to share. But I never had to fight for things, so I was happy to share, and I wanted friends, so I was doubly happy to share.

I was the only grandchild on both sides until I hit my 20s, and I have always valued those relationships immensely. I didn't live near to them, but we still became incredibly close from lots of summers and vacations spent together.

I can't really imagine what it would have been like to have siblings. Only thing is, since I have such a small family, I worry a little as my parents and aunts age - there will be no one else to care for them, and no one else left. For this reason among others, I am planning to have a bigger family.

[CrunchyMamaToBe]

My DP is an only child. Not by design but by his mom's doctor's lack of knowledge about the Rh factor.

DP definitely wants at least two children. He feels that he missed out on something and says he often felt lonely as a kid. He "doesn't want to do that" to his own kids.

I have a good relationship with my sister, even though we live in different countries. And I don't know if it's the family dynamic in general or the fact that there are two of us and only one of him, but DP prefers to do family things (vacations/ holidays/ etc.) with my family.

But I agree with several of the PPs - you shouldn't have more children for the children's sake unless more children is what's in your own heart.

[TranscendentalMom]

We're going through this debate now as well. I've decided I do want a 2nd child in part because I want ds to have a sibling but mainly because I really want to have another child. I totally agree with those who said that this should be the main reason.

I actually don't worry about ds being lonely, I just like the family dynamics with 2 kids. I think of holidays, vacations, with 2 little ones running around. Yes, its two or more times the work but I feel like its also more fun (FOR ME!).

I find that usually people who question whether or not to have a 2nd usually end up having a 2nd. I know a few people who are really firm about their decision to have one and they don't go through all these debates. I think if you are clear about that there is nothing wrong with having one. But for me, I realized that if I don't have another I may end up regretting it in the long run.

[Melsie]

Interesting discussion. I do agree that nobody should have more kids just to provide a sibling. There are no guarantees that siblings will be close or get along. My daughter is only 10 months old and I do not plan on having anymore. When people say, 'Is this your first?', I used to respond with, 'This is our only' but I quit doing that since people would just laugh and tell me that I will change my mind. I know myself very well and and I would never choose to put my body or my spirit through another pregnancy. I think that having an only by choice is very special. You can give them so much in terms of time and attention and opportunities. A book that I found somewhat useful is Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Parenting Your One and Only by Susan Newman

[gezellig_girl]

Wow. This seems to be the only thread about only children in the past three months, so I figured I'd give it a bump up.

My husband and I each have a younger sibling but we're nearly certain that our daughter (almost 2) will be an only child, the main reason being, well, we only want one. We're still keeping our options open (i.e. saying no to The Snip for now) but for now we're all set.

Is there another discussion for parents of only children on MDC somewhere?

[AugustLia23]

I haven't read all the responses, but I have read some of them. I agree with some, I disagree with some. I am an only child, who has always longed for siblings. I have vowed as a mom, to have as many kids as I can.

My reasons are many. I hated being an only as a child, and now as an adult I am not close to my mother, I was raised without a father, so I am basically alone, with no family to call my own until I got married and had my son. I don't want this for my son, I want him to be used to being around lots of other people...I want my house to be filled to the brim at all times. But this is just me, and I'm happy that my DP wants a big family as well...

[LeeE]

I was an only.
My mother had a older sister, almost eleven years age difference, they never got along as kids, but got along well once they were both grown ups.
my father was the oldest of five and the only boy. he was very close to his oldest sister, who was 2 years younger. He was the most caring person ever when it came to his sisters.
But after all I think he would've liked to have a brother.
I was born two full months premature, almost lost my life , it was all very complicated and scary for my parents.
Their were both well in their 30's when they had me and decided they were not able to do it once more.
As a child having no brothers or sisters didn't bothered me.
Later, in my teens, I ahd phases when I hated hated hated it. But only at home. In school I loved my life compared to my classmate's lives. There where only three onlys, me included, in my class back then.
At home it was hard to handle. My parents were almost 50 when I was 14,15,16. It was hard. They supported each other, I had no one to help me, to SUPPORT me. I lost each fight and there fore i started screaming back before they could do anything. We had very bad days because of that situation.
Lots of screaming&tears.
But I think that was because my parents were so close, nothign could fit between them. it wasn't possible to but a paper between them, they were to close for that. And they were to close to keep their teen between them.
It turned into a little private war the lucky twosome versus the one-is-a-loney-number-only.
but once I got through puberty it became better.
And my parents loved(still do) me dearly. Sometimes they just loved each otehr more then me.

My cousins were only children, too. All three of 'em.
The two girls were spoiled rotten, everybody stuck everything up their ass. Later in life when they were teens and I was on my way to being a tween (five years age differnce) I became very close to one of them.

The little boy of the family was almost 11 years younger then me, he was a cutie and we ,he and me, were sooo close. I baby sat him and helped him surving teh giggling twosome, our two cousins who were very mean with him.

If I hadn't had twins I would've choose an only. Before I ahd my twins I couldn't imagine loveing two kids. I thought having a second was like telling teh first "Your not worth of all my love."
I liek being an only today. I have friends, I have my family. Nothings missing ebcause I can't tell you how it would be another way.
Dan has younger sisters, two to be exact. So my kids have aunts. But they would survive without having 'em.
I mean... I remember my aunts.. as a kid.. I had to kiss them even thought I didn#t wnated. They were anyoning.

[sohj]

I was an only child. I never wanted a sibling exactly but there were times I wanted more time with kids for play.

However, that was a phase...and really had nothing to do with being an only child.

I have an only child. He will most likely be an only. He CERTAINLY will be the only one to come from my womb although I may adopt.

I don't want to contribute to the population boom. When I was born in 1966, there were approximately 3 Billion people on the planet. Now there are 6 billion. Double in 40 years. That with the climate change and *poof* there goes the human race.

[And, yeah, I keep hearing about population "implosions" in some places. Well, there are plenty of people in other parts of the world who need to emigrate since they have famines, wars, and overpopulation. To ignore that, and insist that the population be "native" born is distinctly xenophobic and racist.]

Edited to add: My husband is one of 4. For those of you who think that a bigger family guarantees less loneliness...let me tell you it doesn't. He doesn't even talk much to two of his brothers, and he never seemed to learn how to make friends very well. I have more of a social life than he does. Growing up in a bigger family isn't a cure-all for loneliness.

edited again because I realized I didn't really stick to the sibling issue v. well: I finally (when a teen) was really, really glad NOT to have a sibling. If there had been a younger sibling, I would have been feeling all protective and wouldn't have gotten out when I could because I would have felt it necessary to protect my sister or brother.

My mother was someone who had children so someone would love her. Well, that was a FOOLISH and CRUEL reason to bring yet another life into this world. You cannot guarantee anything about how the child will think. And you cannot demand love nor respect, even from one's own child.

[gigglesgalore]

I'm an only child and my daughter (almost 2) will be an only child. DH is the youngest of four.

As a child I occassionally wanted an older brother, but I think this was more because I was shy and wanted someone to look out for me. In general, though, I was very happy. I had plenty of friends to play with, sometimes took friends on vacations, and valued my alone time.

As an adult, I'm fine with not having siblings. I certainly think there are pros and cons to either side and neither one is guaranteed to turn out how you expect, i.e that your siblings will help you care for elderly parents, etc.

DH is very firm in wanting only one child. His family is a mess, both now and growing up. Siblings don't talk to each other and three siblings don't talk to the father, etc. He grew up poor. He feels that one child is perfect for him.

I don't have a problem having an only child. If I were married to someone that wanted two children, I'd be ok with that, too. I really don't think I'd want more, though.

It's not over til it's over. But I don't envision having more children.

[gossamer]

I am not an only but I sure wish I was. I never wanted a sibling and now I have a brother 4 years younger than me whom I don't talk to, haven't had contact with in 2 years and I don't even know where he lives. So having a sibling isn't always all it's cracked up to be.
Gossamer