Help! What would you do?

[KoalaMommy]

Okay, I have a decision to make about family visits after the baby comes. My family is very complicated, so let me explain and then, please offer your advice and suggestions.

First of all, I have divorced parents, who both want to visit with the baby, and their relationship with each other is non-existent (my mother was originally planning to miss my wedding so she didn't have to see my dad). I'm closer to my dad, but this is my mother's first grandchild (he has 4 granddaughters already). My dad's girlfriend drives me crazy, but I can probably visit girlfriend-free at Christmas. DH's parents also want to visit at some point.

Next factor is that DH and I have taken in a teenage cousin. He lives with us during the school year and goes home on vacations. We're so glad to do this, but it's rather stressful at times, and I really miss my time with just DH.

My sister, with whom I have a tense relationship at best, is in the Army, coming to spend Christmas with my dad (and me because dad is planning to spend it with me) before she shipps off to Iraq for the second time. I haven't seen her in over a year, nor has dad.

Okay, to top it all off, I'm an intravert. I love people, as long as they go away and leave me alone at some point. The one thing I want in the midst of all this is to have some time with just me, DH and the baby.

Soooooo, here's where my big question comes in. Baby is due December 1. My mother wants to come for a month from Thanksgiving till Christmas (my father having claimed Christmas first). Cousin has 2 breaks, one at Thanksgiving for a week and one at Christmas for 2 weeks when he'll be gone. Sister arrives in the country on Dec. 21 and is here for 2 weeks. I want some time with just DH and baby. Mom flipped out when I asked her to make a shorter visit, went into all the guilt she could and made me feel like a terrible daughter who should tell everyone else to go away, but not her. My family drives me crazy, there's no way I can cope with them non-stop from Thanksgiving till New Years invading my house with no breathing room between!!!!

I do have the option to go to my grandparents house for Christmas with my dad and my sister which would mean 1) sister wouldn't be staying at my house at all and 2) I could have some of that highly coveted time with DH without upsetting everyone thereby possibly saving my marriage and myself from a terrible Christmas masacre of my entire family (besides DH and beautiful baby of course). The problem with this option is that I will have to fly completely across the country for Christmas with a brand new baby. If I deliver on or before my due date, I'm fairly certain I'll be recovered enough to handle 2 flights each way, but I'm worried if I deliver late, I could have as little as 10 days to recover. But we need to buy the tickets now because it's Christmas!

What would you do?

P.S. I hope all of you have healthier family relationships than I do!

[Lula's Mom]

OMG. That sounds awful! I am the same way. Time with my family always sounds better than the reality turns out to be.

You already know you're going to need time with just DH and the baby- listen to that little voice in your head. I know your mom is laying on the guilt, but frankly, you must calmly and firmly tell her that you've made the decision and it's final. She has to make a shorter visit. If she wants to stay on after the period you approve, perhaps you could suggest that she will need to find a hotel... While you're at it you could suggest the same to your sister, since she isn't a calming influence. Remember, you will have a one-month-old (even less if baby waits a while past the due date.) You might not even have breastfeeding down pat, and you may very well be hormonally challenged during her and your dad's visit.

My mom is great, she is only helpful and never a PITA, but she will just stay between one and two weeks to help me out. Then it's time for just our new family. Your mom sounds selfish and childish, I'm sorry. Who cares if it's her first grandchild or her 20th? It's your baby!

The bottom line is that the first weeks (months?) after your baby is born can be a difficult adjustment, and you need to only have people around who will help you and make you feel loved and secure. This is so NOT the time to play hostess to all of these people. It's also not the time to go flying across the country in order to avoid that. So stay home, and INSIST on time with just DH and the baby. DON'T let anyone steal your babymoon! Be strong!!

[DalaiMama]

I agree, you need to tell your mom what's what. She should be the one that feels bad for trying to guilt you into letting her stay for longer than you'd like. It really seems like the logical thing to ask her to make her trip shorter by a week or so, so that you have some time alone with YOUR little family while your cousin is gone and before your sister and dad arrive. s mama, I was just thinking a minute ago about my own dysfunctional family.

[Oregonicmama]

Hilary,

My own family is highly dysfunctional too. Thank god I live on the other side of the country and my parental groups are all very busy! I totally feel for you.
I agree with the other mamas in that your mother is being incredibly selfish. I was in a similar high pressure situation with my mother over my DD's birth, she was a first grandchild too. Eventually I had to just lay down the law and remind my mother that I am a grownup and my space and child are mine, not hers. It was really hard to do, but sooooo worth it.

Unless your family plans to clean your house, cook for you, and hide in the closet the rest of the time, they should not be up in your space so close to the birth. Really, this is a time when you should be taken care of, not having to take care of everyone else (especially people you don't neccessarily get along with).
Your Mother needs to get a grip. It is unreasonable for her to expect to stay with you for a whole month! And if you feel this way, and she does it anyway, it will only be all the more dramatic and hard to deal with.
You have to draw the line and stand up to your mother. Maybe she could visit again in the spring or something to make up for her lost time with the baby.

Oh-- please don't take your newborn on an airplane. Have you been on a plane with a small baby? It is no fun, I assure you. The air pressure thing is very difficult for them to deal with. Not to mention, it would be the dead of winter, and who knows what kinds of nasty germs could be on that plane with your little one.

[cinnamonamon]

Sounds like you've gotten some good info already -- I would write a letter to all of them (and make it apparant that everyone is getting the same letter), that outlines the schedule of how long you will spend with each family member. Then they can all see what's going on & have no reason to whine. I would also make it clear that this is a time where you will be in a fragile state & you KNOW they would not want to cause you any stress, etc. And there is NO WAY I would try to take a trip at 4 wks post partum! Eeek! You would have stress from traveling during the airport's busiest time with such a tiny fragile baby...uurrggg, just the thought scares me, lol!

s to you!

[nannymom]

another thought

I agree with the advice you've already been given. You have to just do what's right for you and your baby and not let other people make it about them.

Another thing to remember (If this didn't get mentioned already) when considering traveling is that the average 1st time Mom goes 10 days past her due date. It's not a pretty thought, but you could go past your due date and have a baby that is really tiny when it's time to travel.

good luck

[Changed]

Tell them all to stay home and enjoy your birth with your DH alone. Doesn't really sound like you WANT anyone there. Just don't want to hurt anyones feelings right?

I'm getting mean this time around. I played the nice guy the lasy 2 times and while my family had their way, I was pissed off and really skrewed up that bonding time trying to take care of everything else.

[Jenelle]

As far as the "specifics", like who will visit and for how long, that is up for you to decide. Think about each person long and hard (like you already are), and decide what you think is a reasonable visit. I agree that your mom is being selfish and I agree that you should be worried about this entire situation. I think you need to make it clear to everyone ASAP and get it all settled, so that you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy instead of worrying about this. You will feel so much better when you have it taken care of!

Also, the emotional/hormonal roller coaster you're picturing, plus healing, getting the hang of nursing, lack of sleep, caring for a newborn, and the huge adjustment your marriage is going to go through - these are all very real things. Anyone who can't give you some space and respect, does not deserve the same in return.

[rainy32]

everyone has said everything I would have said. but I wanted to send you a hug!! (smile list boots to slow, though...).

peace, rainy

[Kundalini-Mama]

Originally Posted by hilary122

Okay, to top it all off, I'm an intravert. I love people, as long as they go away and leave me alone at some point. The one thing I want in the midst of all this is to have some time with just me, DH and the baby.

Hilary,

LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCT HERE I am not an introvert, until I get pregnant, and after I birth. I really need to be left alone. As you are an introvert already, I could not imagine what kind of strain this would do to you in your postpartum, and very hormonal time. I think it will be a freakin' nightmare.

There was a great post on I'm pregnant, let me try to find it. But it was about a mama to be asking if her family should visit/stay during her postpartum time. Great replies. Found it, http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ight=MIL+visit

Think of it this way. For the first 3 weeks after my son's birth, I wore only a flannel and let my huge and leaky breasts hang out all day long. Is there anyone besides your partner that you want to see you like that?

hth
Amy


Edited to add that I just realized you POSTED on the thread. You need to listen to your own advice

[KoalaMommy]

It's so easy to give advice to others, so hard to deal with your own family!

I think I've decided to fly across the country for Christmas. Otherwise I really will be stuck with my sister for 2 weeks. I can't very well tell her "thanks for flying all the way from Germany, and I'm sorry you're going to Iraq AGAIN, but you need to find somewhere else to go, even though you're a poor army grunt with no other family within a 500 mile radius." It just seems wrong to me, and so much of her situation seems wrong. But if we all go to my grandparents instead, I don't have to do that. Besides, I just found out that my aunt, who is dying of cancer, is going to be there, and it may be my last chance to see her. It won't be fun to fly, I'm sure, but perhaps it will be worth it to see some family members who won't be with us for much longer (my grandparents are already in their 90's).

My mother is ignoring what I've already told her, so I guess she'll be arriving and staying whether or not I want her to, but I am now looking into renting a neighbor's cottage for her. At least that way I'll have some privacy. I've also promised her I'm going to be grumpy and anti-social.

My friends have promised to come rescue me and make sure I'm doing okay. DH and I have a plan to bond more at night and to sleep during the day and let the invaders fend for themselves!

I'm sure that when number 2 comes along I'll be saying "hell no" and slamming doors in people's faces. Experience goes a long way in these situations.

Thanks for your advice, sorry I'm not sticking to it a little more.

[cinnamonamon]

Just so long as you are at peace with your decision!

and enjoy the rest of your wait!

[nikirj]

I'm glad you've come to a decision

I'm sure when your mom hears you won't be there the whole time, she'll find it in her heart to change her schedule.

I've flown with a little one before. A good sling and you'll be set. It isn't that tough, really (all those horror stories you hear - yeah, most of them are from parents who feel the need to tote 10 million pieces of baby gear - you know, the whole travel-system stroller, three bags-full of bottles and formula, all that junk - my dad works at the airport and we've seen some pretty outrageous set-ups). We are something of baby-gear-minimalists, so all we brought was clothing, sling, and diapers. All newborns need is you, remember? And nurse during takeoff and landing - it helps equalize air pressure (if baby won't nurse, get her to suck a finger/pacifier/whatever she takes instead).

I have to ask, though - have you considered whether it will be difficult to keep all those relatives off your newborn? How irritating will they all be? Or is it just plain worth it to escape the family logistics problem?

[KoalaMommy]

Niki,

I honestly don't know what to expect with my relatives at Christmas. I keep telling my dad "just so you know, I might not feel well, I won't be myself." But, I do REALLY want the baby to meet my grandparents while they're still living. I know she won't remember it, but I will and I think if I don't make an effort sooner and something happens this winter (my grandfather keeps getting hospitalized in the winter, each time is worse than the last, but nothing contagious) I will forever feel terrible about the missed opportunity. And my aunt with cancer just keeps getting worse and worse. She's been in for 3 surgeries in the last month, the most recent one an emergency procedure over the weekend. Yes, I'm avoiding having people over to my house, but I also had really intended to go to my grandparents' on my maternity leave, so I'm just combining the two. I'm not planning to stay long, 4 or 5 days max, and DH will help fend off well intended but unhelpful relatives while I'm there. And we're going to arrive Christmas day, so we won't have too much of the holiday activity to deal with. Actually, my biggest concern is keeping the baby away from smoke because some family members do and they don't understand that it's not polite to light up in someone else's house, and they smoked in the house with their kids (unenlightened family). I plan to ask people not to and dissapear if they do. I'm also going to ask my dad to explain in advance about not smoking when the baby is present.

[lauren]

One more thought....all bets could be off if you feel differently after baby is born. I think this is your first right? It sounds terribly complicated; you may not want to do anything at all. I was amazed at how complicated my mama bear feelings were after birth, especially of the first. Just give yourself that "out" if you need it.

[zionsmom]

This is my first baby, and I have a lot of family "issues" my self so I'm trying to figure it all out too...

I wish you a lot of luck with your vacation plans. How I delt w/ all my family issues was, they have a WEEK to come and see us. If they can't make it in a week, then tough luck, they'll see us in the summer when she's a little bigger to tavel.

Every family is different...so like I said Good luck. But remember no matter what, take some time to bond with baby and DH! It will be an extra-special holiday...take time, and breathe!

[Oregonicmama]

HI Hillary,

As long as you are comfortable with your decision, thats what counts.

I think the cottage idea for your mom is great. That way everyone can have their own space, and I think she would feel better ebing next door instead of across town in a hotel. And I think telling her you will be anti-social was a good idea. You won't have to put on your game face so much if you've given her fair warning!

Good Luck!!

[KoalaMommy]

Update

Oh, I've just had the most wonderful news. My mother called to ask if she could use our car while she's here because there's a fare sale on flights that she would like to take advantage of. Now she can't come until after Thanksgiving, and will have to leave several days before Christmas. 3 weeks is the most she'll be able to stay. I'm in absolute heaven!!! Plus, she mentioned all these friends she wants to visit who are within about 4 hours drive from us. I couldn't be happier. She won't be such an imposition now. Of course I've already gotten our plane tickets to my grandparents', but I'm at peace with that decision. I talked to the pediatrician about it and it's okay. And my friend got me a moby wrap carrier which I feel like will be a good one to keep the baby sheilded somewhat from the germs on the airplane.

So now I'm just praying for a Thankgiving baby (or earlier) so that she'll be a good month old before we fly.

[Changed]

Hil, i'm so jealous that you're due on the 1st. I have 23 days to go after you are due!

[mamadedos]

Good to know that you have made a schedule. The holidays are hectic enough without a new baby. Always remember that a schedule is confirmed after it is done. Feel free to change plans if you get stressed or just hormonal! I have to have everything scheduled even though it changes daily!

You are right, you will be different for number two. I am assuming that you do not have any family nearby. My in-laws flew down the day we got home from the hospital with DS and my parents flew in the day they left. This time around my in-laws will not come until February (they told DH that I was a bad wife because I did nothing for them while they were here. I drove them to the store but made them cook and clean up after themselves chores they thought I should be doing three days after giving birth) but my parents will come when the baby is two weeks and stay for however long I need them.

Even though your family will be around, make sure you still spend time with DH and the baby alone. The first few weeks are wonderful for bonding your family!

Good Luck!