MY husbands Grampa B. died on Wenesday. He was elderly, I believe in his 90s, and he was a very interesting and wonderful person. He had a stroke, and was slowly recovering from that when he became ill with vomiting and diarreah, and then was taken to the hospital where he then developed pneumonia and passed away, all within a matter of days ( in the hospital on Saturday and gone by Wednesday).
My husband has never really experianced a loss like this. So far he has been pushing us as far away as possible. I realize it is still fresh for him, but it hurts me as well. I cared for his Grandfather also, although he was not in my life for as many years.
Yesterday when Joe got the news he cried , but tried to hide or supress it. HE got a phone call from one of his brothers, and they left us( myself and our children) at home to go to the hospital to see the rest of the family. He was gone until very late at night, and when he did come home he stayed downstairs copying a poem for his grandmother .
I asked him when he was planning to come to bed and he just looked at me with such...anger and pain in his eyes.
I don't know what to do for him. It seems that my presence is unwanted, both from him and the rest of the family. This hurts. I have been here for over 6 years and I do care very much for all of these folks. Just because I was not born and raised here does not mean I don't care.
On one hand I reliaze this is something they are doing with out trying to be cruel, and that I do have these 2 kids who are small and will not grasp why everyone is sad and will probably get in the way somehow.
On the other, I feel, once again, left out and treated as if I am just a shirt-tail relative who really is not important in the grand scheme of things.
The things he is undergoing right now, emotionally, are only going to get worse in the next few years. His Gramma Y. is suffereing from parkinsons and has now had a tube placed into her nose so she can be fed. Soon it will be placed into her body permanently . She cannot swallow very well, and because of the many modifications made with her medication she is mentally damaged and probably not ever going to be they way she was 5 or even 10 years ago. His grampa Y. is elderly, and he is depressed watching his wife suffer. He seems to be relativley healthy but he has had cancer in the past and is on various medications as well. His Gramma B. is a tiny little person , this is going to be hard on her. She and her husband have been togethor for over 50 years and they were very close.
I have already, to a certain extent , lost my family through time and distance. I miss my grandparents, siblings, parents, and etc. greatly..but I also have learend to go on and be with out them. Joe has lived in the sam town his entire life, surrounded by his family, and never really lost any of them .
This is going to be hard for him, and us. I don't know what to do for him. I have tried just being here but that backfired at 3 when I woke up to pee and saw that he was here but did not want me to be near him or talk to him about anything.
What do I do? How do I let him get through his grief his own way , and also explain things to my child( who is 4 and understand none of this) an deal with all the feelings from the large aray of family we have. Grampa had 5 children, and all 5 are going to deal with this in his or her own way. It is going to be really difficult to deal with things like his upcoming birthday in November, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
I feel very aprehensive already thinking about all of these things in the future and trying to kep my family ..level. I guess. For lack of a better word.
I am also curious, am I being petulant and childish by being angry and sad about being left out? It really has caused me to feel very bad , I reliaze there is not much I could have done or can do..but just to be involved would mean something to me. I don't know what to do with myself or my grief. I have cried, but I also realize that he was old, and tired, and ill. He died quickly and with out much pain, surrounded by people who loved and cared for him.His life was long and rich and full. His suffereing is over, now it is the pain of those left behind to come to terms with. And that is the hard part. My MIL has lost her Dad, my husband and his brothers hve lost thier beloved ,funny, grandfather, Gramma has lost her life partner and friend, and we have alll lost a person we loved.
Sunday there will be a family gathering at thier home after church. Grampa B. donated as much of his remains to medicine as possible, and the rest will be cremated. He wanted no funeral or memorial service...but the immediate family wants SOMETHING..some way to be togethor and let go.
I am dreading Sunday. I don't want to look anyone in the eyes to their pain. Death in a family can and does have strange affects on everyones relationships.
I am worried about Gramma. I am worried about my MIL. I am worried about Joe.
And, with out being told, I honestly don't know what to do.
My husband has never really experianced a loss like this. So far he has been pushing us as far away as possible. I realize it is still fresh for him, but it hurts me as well. I cared for his Grandfather also, although he was not in my life for as many years.
Yesterday when Joe got the news he cried , but tried to hide or supress it. HE got a phone call from one of his brothers, and they left us( myself and our children) at home to go to the hospital to see the rest of the family. He was gone until very late at night, and when he did come home he stayed downstairs copying a poem for his grandmother .
I asked him when he was planning to come to bed and he just looked at me with such...anger and pain in his eyes.
I don't know what to do for him. It seems that my presence is unwanted, both from him and the rest of the family. This hurts. I have been here for over 6 years and I do care very much for all of these folks. Just because I was not born and raised here does not mean I don't care.
On one hand I reliaze this is something they are doing with out trying to be cruel, and that I do have these 2 kids who are small and will not grasp why everyone is sad and will probably get in the way somehow.
On the other, I feel, once again, left out and treated as if I am just a shirt-tail relative who really is not important in the grand scheme of things.
The things he is undergoing right now, emotionally, are only going to get worse in the next few years. His Gramma Y. is suffereing from parkinsons and has now had a tube placed into her nose so she can be fed. Soon it will be placed into her body permanently . She cannot swallow very well, and because of the many modifications made with her medication she is mentally damaged and probably not ever going to be they way she was 5 or even 10 years ago. His grampa Y. is elderly, and he is depressed watching his wife suffer. He seems to be relativley healthy but he has had cancer in the past and is on various medications as well. His Gramma B. is a tiny little person , this is going to be hard on her. She and her husband have been togethor for over 50 years and they were very close.
I have already, to a certain extent , lost my family through time and distance. I miss my grandparents, siblings, parents, and etc. greatly..but I also have learend to go on and be with out them. Joe has lived in the sam town his entire life, surrounded by his family, and never really lost any of them .
This is going to be hard for him, and us. I don't know what to do for him. I have tried just being here but that backfired at 3 when I woke up to pee and saw that he was here but did not want me to be near him or talk to him about anything.
What do I do? How do I let him get through his grief his own way , and also explain things to my child( who is 4 and understand none of this) an deal with all the feelings from the large aray of family we have. Grampa had 5 children, and all 5 are going to deal with this in his or her own way. It is going to be really difficult to deal with things like his upcoming birthday in November, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
I feel very aprehensive already thinking about all of these things in the future and trying to kep my family ..level. I guess. For lack of a better word.
I am also curious, am I being petulant and childish by being angry and sad about being left out? It really has caused me to feel very bad , I reliaze there is not much I could have done or can do..but just to be involved would mean something to me. I don't know what to do with myself or my grief. I have cried, but I also realize that he was old, and tired, and ill. He died quickly and with out much pain, surrounded by people who loved and cared for him.His life was long and rich and full. His suffereing is over, now it is the pain of those left behind to come to terms with. And that is the hard part. My MIL has lost her Dad, my husband and his brothers hve lost thier beloved ,funny, grandfather, Gramma has lost her life partner and friend, and we have alll lost a person we loved.
Sunday there will be a family gathering at thier home after church. Grampa B. donated as much of his remains to medicine as possible, and the rest will be cremated. He wanted no funeral or memorial service...but the immediate family wants SOMETHING..some way to be togethor and let go.
I am dreading Sunday. I don't want to look anyone in the eyes to their pain. Death in a family can and does have strange affects on everyones relationships.
I am worried about Gramma. I am worried about my MIL. I am worried about Joe.
And, with out being told, I honestly don't know what to do.
