in my defense!
Please do me the courtesy of reading this, I know it's long but I deserve the right to defend myself. I realized that my responses sort of addressed specific things so I tried to label them so that people could read the parts they talked about.On using "DH":
I don't understand why everyone wants to jump on me for using "DH" to refer to the man I live with. I can't be the only person here who is not legally married to the man they live with. Yes, it is a little confusing to me whether he is my ex-boyfriend or not. I have lived with him for six years, he stays but constantly says he is going to leave, he tells me we can work things out and then the next day he tells me he couldn't spend his life with someone like me, he doesn't treat me right but he doesn't see other people. Sorry if I trampled on some sacred right to use "dh" only to refer only to happy, well-adjusted legal marriages.On hook effect:
As for the hook effect, everything I read about it dealt specifically with false negatives on a yes or no test. It was given as an explanation for false negatives. I haven't had a quantitative test so I didn't know that that was how it affects those. The Planned Parenthood where I got my blood test did do the "yes-no" lab test in house, because it was the abortion clinic in town and they do their tests right there while you wait. The only person who even saw me besides the receptionist was the tech who ran the test herself. I only waited ten minutes right there in the lobby so I know she did not send it out. Anyway, hook effect *has* caused false negatives on yes or no tests, I posted the websites here about it in a previous post, I thought it was on this same thread. Molar pregnancies and other stuff *can* cause false negatives because the levels are too *high*. Too *high*. This is about that:http://www.hcg.info/http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/extract/349/22/2172As to why I think I am pregnant
Despite bleeding and negative tests, let me point out again that I have every other symptom in a logical progression over the time period. I realize I am missing two of the biggies but-- I may test negative for HCG, but many of the symptoms I have gotten usually occur in women who have HCG in their system. I had stuff going on that I could not explain that I DID NOT know were connected with pregnancy. And then I would find them too in some pregnancy book or site and it would end up being just another little thing to add to the growing list. Yes, everything could be a series of coincidences, but when someone is pregnant all of these particular "coincidences" are connected... so it is confusing.On the kind things that nice people said:
I understand why everyone wants me to go to the ER or Planned Parenthood, and I understand Captain Optimism saying I am in denial about it being serious and about being in a domestic abuse situation. I know... but it's my apartment. He'll leave soon and I am not going to some shelter. And, Carla's suggestion that I should try to find someone who will work with me on forgiving the bills, that is a good idea. It is tricky for me to make phone calls during the day, but I can try a few a day and I could find one who will work with me. Another thing that is true is that I have no support person and that is not a good situation to be in, I know that but honestly I am kind of in shock and I don't really know what to do about it, I feel like I am watching someone else's life stop making sense.On my anti-medicalness:
Okay, so I guess I was kind of just hoping I never got sick, and that if I even did get pregnant it would just go smoothly. Wishful thinking, I know. I always said that if I got cancer I would go on the macrobitoics and try other natural stuff, never any of the allopathic Wetern crap. And up till now I have never had something wrong with me that I couldn't treat myself. I always said I would go to the doctor if I broke a bone or something obviously necessary, but not for pregnancy because it's not an illness. Having something going on that acts like a pregnancy but without the aformentioned two biggies, well, no offense to all the well-intentioned advice, but while I don't quite know *how* to deal with it, it doesn't seem like an out-an-out emergency either.And defending myself!
What I don't understand is why so many people here are attacking me personally. I am just here because I have no one to turn to for emotional support and instead it seems like a lot of people who have basically good lives are essentially telling me that if I am not going to take their advice then I should shut up now and go away. That if I am not going to take the advice given to me, then I should stop whining and leave them alone. Well, I mean, if that's how you feel then I think rather than trying to accuse me of being some kind of weirdo or something, it might make more sense to actually just not write things at me at all. Wouldn't it?
I don't think the take-my-advice-or-else-I-think-you-are-a-big-fake-so-shut-up approach is all that helpful. No doubt you all have someone you can talk to when you feel alone. I am sure you have wanted to turn somewhere for some vague psychological reason when you felt like the whole world was against you, and I hope no one told you that you should either go to the ER or else shut up and leave them alone. I get told to shut up enough at home, if you don't want to talk to me online, then you don't have to read my posts.(more on my anti-allopathy)
It seems like people here are very angry or else worried at me for thinking I might be pregnant or sick and not wanting to put myself in the hands of medical professionals who I can't control. Right now, yes, my belly is unusually big, but it is only four months unusually big. My belly is not so swollen that I look like I am ready to give birth or something. It is just firm, full, out of proportion to the rest of me, and similar to photos of women who are would be at the same stage of pregnancy as I would potentitally be. Yes, I find it odd to be at this stage and yet still be getting period and negative tests, but I would not be the first woman who still didn't know for sure whether she was pregnant or not at four months. Really I wouldn't. Now, my belly grew to this current size over the last few months, it did not swell there suddenly overnight. So, if I am not ready to submit myself to medical science yet and I would rather talk with people about my stress, I don't think that makes me a bad person. And, if I would like to continue for a while thinking I might just be pregnant so I probably have nothing to worry about, it might be crazy but I don't think I am in immediate physical danger. And I certainly don't think the child would be harmed by being kept away from hospitals and machines. If I am sick, a few more weeks or so will not kill me, I really think. If it hurts suddenly I promise I'll go to the ER, OK? And if I am pregnant, all I have done that is really weird is bleed. I know it is hard to accept, but some people do bleed at their menstrual times in pregnancy and the same people often get negative test results. And people who bleed because of a problem that early are either going to miscarry or not and there is nothing that medical science can do to change it. Bleeding from placenta previa is different and occurs later and the only thing they can do about that is threaten to give you a c-section, so that's no better anyway. And if there really is an HCG problem, then I would miscarry anyway and medical intervention is not going to prevent that, either.About Mendhi Mama and the other person's accusations:
Mendhi Mama, I don't understand why you are saying this, I thought you were nice earlier because you were the only one who even answered my question about how your cervix might look when you are pregnant. It is ridiculous to think that I am soliciting donations, because I haven't given out a shred of contact information aside from my first name and my username. I'm just guessing here, but if someone was making things up just to try and do that, I bet they would probably find it handy to give out personal information. Most of the time I am pretty sure I have gone out my way to hide my personal information, I haven't even told what state I live in from what I can remember.And finally, some accusations of my own, and go ahead and flame me all you want!
Some of the poeple on here are telling me they don't think I am pregnant because of genuine concern, and that is nice. But there are some people, I don't know who specifically, but I think there are some of you who are taking the opportunity to rely on the test and the bleeding to try and insist that I can't be pregnant because, when people find out they are pregnant, especially perhaps people who weren't even planning it, you feel jealous. Well, let me just say that my situation is nothing to be jealous of right now. In fact I am pretty jealous of the people here who have lots of kids and are pregnant again. I have never had kids before except for an early miscarriage, and I have spent six years with someone who won't marry me and doesn't want kids. So, if I might be pregnant now by accident, your jealousy is no reason to take advantage of an easy target like me. It is so easy for people to simply make a snap judgement that I must not be pregnant because of the bleeding and negative tests- well, you don't have to live with every other stinking symtom with no proof. So, unless your concern is genuine, or else you have something positive to say, then please keep your naysaying to yourself because I am really at my limit for it.
I really think I might be pregnant, crazy or not.