Is toddlerhood just a difficult age?

[Perogi]

Lately I have been feeling so frustrated with dd's behavioural issues that I have begun to question everything that dh and I do for discipline. I LOVE GD and so does dh but I begin to wonder whether or not it is really working. There are days that I just feel like dd has no respect for me and that my telling her no means absolutely nothing to her. Granted, I understand that she is just 16 months old and is rather spirited but she literally laughs in my face when I tell her no. And I am quite consistent about following through, removing her from the situation, etc - I'm not perfect, and some days are better than others but I just can't help but wonder when I won't have to tell her "don't touch, not for Talia" about the same things 100 times a day. And the temper tantrums and demandingness just drain me. It's like she has to have it her way, right away. I feel like I am losing, even though I try really hard not to think about her and my relationship in adversarial terms (Ezzo background ).

So, it this a challenging time for everyone?? Is that what this age is all about? Should I just pull up my boot straps and consider myself in for the long haul, dip deep into my resevoirs of patience?? Or am I failing?

[Pookietooth]

I do think it is a difficult age, especially if you are trying to teach her not to touch things when she's just starting to test her limits. Is there a way you can put the things you don't want her to touch out of reach? She's really not developmentally ready to resist temptation, and unless you really want to cage her up or let her break things, you will be driven crazy trying to teach her not to touch them.

Here are some suggestions that I have read about and learned: You can pack them up and put them in storage, throw them or give them away, put them on a high shelf (that is not climbable), or possibly put them in a locked cupboard if you need regular access to them. Also, you may want to start trusting her more with things, showing them to her so that she gets less mystified by them. You can sit down with her, and let her touch them (obviously not things that are too too dangerous), and tell her about them and how you use them. This has what has worked for us in our household. Others are more loose and just let it all go, but that's them.

[Perogi]

I really feel that I have rearranged most everything in the house to be very toddler-friendly. I anticipated not wanting to have to say no all the time. But there are some things that just have be "no touch" items - like the dog's water dish, the toilet, the night light. We actually bought new furniture in the living room so that we had a bigger bookshelf and could give her the two bottom shelves and also got a cupboard with doors to put away some of the more tempting things.

It is also situations like she may want to go outside when I need to start making dinner and she has a fit when I say "not right now, let's go play with the pots and pans" or whatever. I jsut cannot spend my day at the mercy of her every desire - nor do I think that's in her best interest. We give her plenty of opportunity for freedom, discovery, play, etc but she also needs to fit into our life to a certain extent, kwim?

I just want to know that I'm not raising a child who will ultimately be disrespectful and impossible to discipline I guess. I feel like I'm just treading water and not getting anywhere with her right now.

[HippieMomma2Chloe]

Yes yes yes!! This is SUCH a trying age. We're still going through it, and still dealing with the frustration, but at 21 months, I am proud to say that DD is finally starting to listen! I started by putting most everything that was a "no" out of reach, but most especially the things that could hurt her, or that she could hurt.The other things, things that I don't want her to touch, but that she really can't hurt, those are down, to let her explore those boundaries. When she has something of that nature, I say "No sweetie, that is mommy's." and place it back where it goes. And omgosh I felt like I said that 100 times a day about EVERYTHING.
I found that after a day or two of trying to do the same thing, and being redirected, she sort of lost interest. The trash can for instance - for two days, I could not keep the child out of it! But I didn't move it... it's something she needs to get used to having where it is. She hasn't bothered it since those two days, after being redirected a gazillion times. Same with the cat water and food.
It takes time for them to understand "no" I think. Perhaps it takes even longer when you don't over-use the word no. But now I can see her, staring so intently at the cat water, wanting SO badly just to splash in it just a little bit.... LOL And she will stand in front of it, and sort of rock on her heels, and I can tell she's really debating it in her head. "Mommy says no.... but it would be SO much fun....." and most always she decides not to do it.
Seeing that was so relieving - she DOES understand!!!
And by no means am I saying that she doesn't still have to be redirected 100 times a day. LOL She always finds something new to get into, but eventually learns. :-)
So yes, there really is hope! But it takes sooooooo much patience, and gets so frustrating at times. Good luck to ya mama!

[famousmockngbrd]

I don't think you should look at it in terms of "discipline", not just yet. She's too young. She has no impulse control, she has a very limited memory, she is totally self centered, and she should be.

This is not to say that she should be a little tyrant. You are doing the right thing by removing the source of conflict, redirecting her, etc. Pick your battles and remain calmly consistant. Try not to let it drive you totally crazy, it is no reflection on you, it is the age.

When DS was that age (not very long ago), if I found myself saying the same thing a hundred times and getting nowhere, I would look for another solution. I just get tired of hearing myself talk. So if the toilet is an issue, I would just keep the bathroom door closed. DS used to turn the TV off and on all the time so we taped a baby food jar lid over the button (we have a remote). The dog's water I have no good solution for, we ended up putting the cat's food up on a table but it was still an issue for a while and I don't think that would work for a dog, anyway. That may just be one of those things you have to wait for her to outgrow. Or maybe you could try involving her with caring for the dog, like let her fill the dish with water and give it to the dog, and explain that the dog needs water to thrive so we have to leave it alone so the dog can have it when he needs it, etc. That worked for us to some extent but DS may have been a few months older. Give it time.

Another thing you might try, with cooking dinner, if she is dead set on goinig outside - tell her you can go outside in a few minutes but you have to start dinner first, then involve her with the pots and pans, like you have been doing. This way you can work on delayed gratification, in baby steps. As she gets older you will be able to tell her "Not now, after dinner" and she will be able to accept that (usually). Also, have you tried giving her some dry rice in a pie tin, or buillion cubes in water in a bowl and a spoon, etc.? It is messy, but it is worth the mess on those days when you just need to cook dinner and get the little one off your back, lol. DS still loves playing with these things. He also likes playing with dry pasta, which is slightly less messy.

OK, I have written a novel, lol. Sorry. To answer your original question, no it is not you, yes it is very hard dealing with a toddler sometimes, and it will pass so hang in there. You are laying the foundation of your future relationship with her now. It will take a while for your patience and gentleness to pay off, but it will, eventually. It's a long road. You sound like you are a kind mama, and you are doing a good job.

[mountain]

Originally Posted by Perogi

So, it this a challenging time for everyone?? Is that what this age is all about? Should I just pull up my boot straps and consider myself in for the long haul, dip deep into my resevoirs of patience?? Or am I failing?

Yes. Yes. Yes. and NO.

I totally concur (my word for the day, is it spelled correctly?) with the mamas above.

I don't think as a toddler, that our children can fathom (ooo another great word) the kind of respect that we idealize. It is a long process of modeling that respect for them to emulate (I am so full of these words today, what is up with me)

Anyway, someone just said to me that the babies are just like water flowing. It's gonna get there one way or the other & we can choose to be like a river; or we can choose to be like a concrete canal. The concrete is straight & unrelenting, paving over whatever is in its path. The river moves with the obstacles in its path, but still has clear boundaries on the sides. You choose which path you take as a mother.

Oh, and sometimes the river floods. And there's rats
hee hee have a great day

[Asheville Mama]

I'm right there with ya'

Somedays I don't know whether to laugh or cry! I have the same challenges as all the mamas can relate to. My dd is 22 months and she has grown and changed a lot in the last few months. I wish I could say it's easier...for me, not so much! It's different, which sometimes makes it easier! Just when I thought I can't take it if she does this one more time, she eases off that issue and moves on to a new one! :LOL

For me, the thing that would really test my patience was throwing her food or drink. It was this constant back and forth, she gets upset if she can't hold her plate or have the lid off her drink, but then she'd send stuff flying, and then I would get upset! Especially when she does it right after you explain why we don't throw our food on the floor.

But now she's on to other things for the most part. I'm reading Raising Your Spirited Child and it's helping me take another look at her behavior...put it in the right perspective. Like taking my thought of "why is she so demanding?" : and making it "that's great that she knows what she wants and is expressing herself!" It sounds so simple now, but I was really struggling somedays with seeing her as difficult (even if it is just the age). Now that I've mentally replaced those negative labels I reactively gave her with the positive ones that reflect her curiousity, determination, creativity, independence, etc., I am much more understanding!

[Perogi]

Thank you so much for your encouragement! I so needed to hear that. I don't really have anyone irl that I can bounce these things off so I totally appreciate this board. And last night dh and I were talking to acquaintances who totally Ezzo their 21 month old and he is going through all the same things. So no matter how the "discipline" (using that word carefully now ) is done all toddlers go through the same developmental and behavioural stages. And after hearing about how they plunk their poor little dude in his crib at every temper tantrum and leave him until he quits crying/screaming, I was very happy with the ways we have chosen to deal with dd. Not to say that I won't still feel totally wasted and frustrated some days but I know deep down that this is the right way to handle my precious baby girl.

[SUNMAMA]

Thank you so much for all the insight to early toddlerhood! I'm dealing with the same issues with a 12mos old!!!! She has been getting so mad and frustrated(crying alot) when she can't go "outside" or have the cell phone, her toy phone just won't do, or anything else she wants. We put the phone out of sight, and our house is toddler proof, except for example, the rocking chair, she climbs up in it and stands up, I'm trying to teach her to sit only and I never leave her unattended. I put it out of reach some but of course I use it to settle her for naps. I'm rambling, sorry. Does she sound like a typical 12mos. old or a "spirited child"? My freind has a 10mos old ds and he seems alot more docile. The book you mentioned 'Raising Your Spirited Child' sounds interesting, who's the author? I feel like its too early for GD but redirection doesn't seem to work. Or am I expecting too much and her crying is normal at this age?
Thank you again,
Amanda

[rgarlough]

I have a 14 mo in the the same mind-set. So far, I've moved the cats' water onto the kitchen table (we hardly eat there anymore) Cats eat in the laundry room once a day and I close the door. Mason's already eaten plenty of cat food The dogs water is now outside and they have to go outside to drink it. There is a long gate to block access to the dogs crates so Mason doesn't disturb them when they need their alone time. They also eat in their kennels. Our TV used to have plexiglass to prevent Mason from turning it on and off. He ripped it off... I try not to make a big deal out of it when he sits there and pushes the buttons I really don't NEED to watch it, I guess. He has TONS of drawers and cabinets he's allowed to play in and reorganize Last night, he chose the computer drawer and rearranged all the pens, disks, dvds... dh laughed for over an hour at ds. I use his obnoxious LARGE toys to block access to certain things like the dehumidifier. My dh still DOES NOT understand that Mason cannot control him impulses and always leaves temptation out for Mason to grab, like pop, candy, what have you : So we do have our battles. If it's dh's fault, he just has to share so Mason eats/drinks the crap. I am trying to reason with ds when I am cooking. We all know how well that goes... I hold him and let him "help" me when it is safe but if I have to do something dangerous, I put him down and tell him "Mommy needs to put you down because this water is very hot." He will protest for sure but I'm sure he'll be fine. Yes, he's very hot-headed and screams but I'd rather him scream because he's mad at me and not because I've burnt him. I have gone back to work FT so he has TONS of energy expelled at his daycare, playing with the 2 other boys his age. They play outside all day whenever possible. But that means that in the evening, Mason needs MOMMY time ALL evening. So it does get difficult to manage all the required chores. I have noticed that Mason will chose to play with things more and more so I can get the cooking done without his help. But there are some nights that he just needs to be held the WHOLE time I just can't wait to see how this little guy is going to be when he's older. He's such a character already!

I NEED to check out Spirited Child...

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by mountain

Yes. Yes. Yes. and NO.

Anyway, someone just said to me that the babies are just like water flowing. It's gonna get there one way or the other & we can choose to be like a river; or we can choose to be like a concrete canal. The concrete is straight & unrelenting, paving over whatever is in its path. The river moves with the obstacles in its path, but still has clear boundaries on the sides. You choose which path you take as a mother.

Oh, and sometimes the river floods. And there's rats
hee hee have a great day

Roflmao!!!

I am putting this one on the fridge...I laughed so hard!

[Rainbowbird]

This is a great thread

Someone just mentioned the Spirited Child to me today. The librarian at our storytime. And she meant it in a nice way, she loves our son and how exuberant he is! He always claps and says "Yay!" the loudest after she reads a story. Very much into taking a big bite out of life, my DS. But very strong personality, too, has been that way from the moment he was born!

I am glad to see so many other mamas going through this. DS is so sweet, so smart and funny but boy is he a BOY and so active. He would get into everything if he could. I have childproofed beyond my wildest dreams but as you all mentioned there are things that you can't always move or childproof. I find myself getting so tired of saying no, not for DS...I also find myself scouring toy catalogues looking for a magic bullet..which I know is silly, there is no toy that can substitute for exploration and the adventure he craves! The only thing that keeps me sane is getting him outdoors as much as possible, and taking him on lots of excursions to playgroups, the library, etc.

The one thing that is really frustrating to DH and me is the hitting and pinching. He used to bite but that stopped. Now it is waving his arms around and whacking me, or throwing something at me, when I say no. This is even when I say it nicely and try to redirect him. I find it really upsetting to be on the receiving end of such violence when we constantly try to model good and loving behavior. So he won't grow up to be a psychopath, right? LOL

Does anyone have any specific ideas for dealing with this type of behavior?

[Perogi]

Just another quick plug for "The Spirited Child" - awesome book!!

And I'd also love to hear a response about the hitting/throwing things in response to being told no....