Family Bed, or Mama and Baby Bed?

[sozobe]

I have been co-sleeping with dd from day one (though it wasn't planned -- she was distraught in the crib the first night, brought her into the bed, and that was that.) Until she was about 9 months old (?), all three of us shared the bed (me, dd, dh.) But then dh had a series of work issues that forced him to stay very late (like 11/12), and he has this thing where he MUST read in bed before he goes to sleep, and his schedule was becoming really disruptive. So, we decided he should sleep in the guest room until the rough spot had passed. It was actually a big sigh of relief -- he takes a long time to get to sleep, I would be mad because he'd wiggle too much and wake up dd, etc. And he gained the freedom to read, wiggle, cough, and do whatever he wanted.

So... dd is now 20 months old. Dh is still in the guest room. : We're not sure what to do about that. He wakes me up every morning, and we usually have some (ahem) quality time together while dd is still asleep in the bed. He still likes the freedom -- I still like not having to worry about wiggling and coughing and all. And dd has gotten much more mobile since dh left; we now switch sides a couple of times as she nurses down for the night, and then sleep quite comfortably a couple of feet apart (she by the wall), and I can't imagine fitting dh back in. But we do miss sleeping together, and he misses snuggling with dd. (He does get a fair amount of reading-books-together snuggling et al).

Does anyone else here co-sleep with just the baby/ kids, no dh? Since things are actually going quite well (dd sleeps fantastically) (knock on wood), should we not mess with a good thing and just wait 'til she's on her own?

Opinions/ experiences/ tips appreciated.

Thanks.

[sozobe]

Er...

The quality time is spent in a room OTHER than the room dd is sleeping in. Just so ya know.

[sozobe]

And one other thing... (Jeez, can ya tell I'm new?)... In terms of the poll, I say "husband", but really I mean "other adult" -- SO, LP, whatever.

[i'm amy]

sounds familiar...

For 3 years, my dh, dd and myself all slept together, until she got her own "big girl" room. Well, two years later, "big girl" still needs a warm parent beside her, so she and dh sleep in her room. In spite of this sleeping arrangement a pregnancy soon followed and now I sleep with 10 month old baby in "our" room (hee hee). Which, as you can see, suits us all just fine right now. In some ways, I feel a little sad about not sleeping with dh, but after almost 2 years of not dealing with his snoring, alarms and morning breath (!!!), it just seems like we have the perfect arrangement. From your post, it sounds like you and your mate are happy with things like this, is that the case?

[ladylee]

I need two choices--I start out with DH, but when DD calls at around 3 or 4, I go sleep with her. She's 2.5, we've been doing this since she was 1. Before that, we all slept together ...

[troisenfants]

I have a similar situation. My husband sleeps upstairs in our sons room and I sleep in our bed with our 2 y.o.DD and 3 y.o DS. Our 6 y.o DD usually sleeps in her own bed but occasionally comes down at night and gets in with me and her brother and sister.

It started when #3DD was born and my husband was coming home super late and I had to get all three kids to bed on my own. At that time they were 3 y.o, 12 mos. and an infant. It was the only reasonable solution to getting them all to bed .... having them lay down with me.

It evolved to this because it allows my husband to get a good nights sleep which he really needs as he is in restaurant management and works ridiculously long days.

And the kids and I get to sleep all night too. For now it is working, but I can see a point in the future that my husband and I will begin encouraging them into their own beds. Probably in about another year. The youngest will be three then and all of the kids should be old enough to begin sleeping through the night and not wake up missing me. I HOPE!!!!

And my DH and I always find ways to (ahem) you know. That has not been a problem.

melanie

[emmaline]

I voted baby and kids because my babies are now kids

we have done every combination there is and currently:

dh and ds1(11) have their own rooms

ds2(4.5) and I share a bed

dh is the really disruptive bedmate and ideally would have a room at the opposite end of the house so he can be as noisy as he likes at 3 am (play violin, listen to BBC world service on radio, watch formula one racing )

ds1 moved to his own bed and room at age 8 as he snored and likes to read late

dh and I started out living together at opposite ends of a long skinny house, at the moment we are a bit too crowded for my liking but one day...

[Irishmommy]

I'm the lone just my husband vote! And much as I love him, sometimes I wish it was just me in that bed. Dd1 comes in occasionally, but not enough to consider it a family bed.

[candiland]

My DD and DH sleep in the same room together - DD on the futon, DH on a single roll-away - and my DS and I sleep together, because he's a night nursling. My DH and I couldn't sleep well together BEFORE the kids were born...
he snores, I wake up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back asleep, he snores, I wake him up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back to sleep... lather, rinse, repeat...
so we have come to the conclusion that beds are for sleeping. All the naughty naughty fun fun can be found in some other great places.... creativity's half the fun!

[charmarty]

My girls and I share our queen size bed,and dh sleeps on the floor on a queensize airmatress.He likes being close,but likes the room too.It is a nice treat when he does sleep with us though.On nights like to night when I am up late,when I am ready for bed and either of the girls have woken up and need me,I will climb in with Dh,till the girls wake up for nursing.

[stormborn]

Right now it's me & 11 mo dd in a twin bed and dh on the couch beside us. The only bed we have big enough to fit all of us is a waterbed, and although it's waveless I'm still afraid to put dd in it.

But we sleep different hours anyway, so even if he was in my bed it would only be for an hour or so.

And I agree with candiland...I was bored with sex in the bed even before baby came along!

[lucina3]

Right now DH and I share a bed and the girls all sleep in one room - they each HAVE their own bed, but choose to cram into a single bed so they are together. When we have a baby I can see it happening that we have a "baby and Mom" bed and a "daddy" bed. He doesn't like the idea of co-sleeping - but admitted that might change when he has a child of his own. (Our 3 girls are from my first marriage) I'm really hoping he'll jump on the "co-sleeping bandwagon"

[sozobe]

Thanks so much for your responses, everyone! It's one of those things where it's really nice to know we're not the only ones. I'm sheepish enough (though also proud) when I tell people that dd is still nursing, which gets ratcheted up a notch when co-sleeping comes up, then another notch yet when hubby-in-guest room comes up. It's on my mind because my mom is visiting; "John's STILL in the guest room??"

But yes, Amy, overall we're quite happy with the arrangement. And thanks to y'all, we're both feeling a bit more secure about it.

[Kate]

I voted that we're all in the big bed . . . but isn't it funny what a broad range of "normal" there is? The point is, despite what the magazines/pop culture/etc. tell us, what works for any one family's individual circumstances is what's best. This is a good poll!

[Kalliesmama]

It used to be all three of us but now that DD is getting bigger and takes up more space, it is just she and I in the bed. Wish we could all fit in one bed but happily DH agrees that mamas and babies need to be together so he sleeps on the floor beside the bed!

~Jen

[Jazmommie]

with current child...

half the time dd (3 1/2)& me sleep with dh in our king size bed & other time in her room on the twin mattress on the floor

dh goes to bed early & gets up at 3-4 am so it depends on how late we are up & how dd goes to sleep(in arms or rocking ) & how bad my back hurts!

[Sagesgirl]

I wake up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back asleep, he snores, I wake him up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back to sleep... lather, rinse, repeat...

Oooh, sounds like us. :LOL

We start out all three in bed together. Well, scratch that. We start out with DD alone in our bed, then DH climbs in, then I eventually climb in...Then I eventually kick him out for snoring.

But sometimes the planets align, and the three of us are in bed together all night long.

I say, whatever works.

[BelovedBird]

We have two twin size beds in our room one for DH and one for me. The baby usually slept either with me or in the bassinet near me. Number one was put in a crib in his own room early,which I regret. The next one was in the bassinet or pack n play near me until almost a year, then he was with his brother. This baby (number three) sleeps in a crib sidecar-ed to my bed, or in my bed. I realized this time I wanted my baby next to me but my bed is just not big enough for the two of us withourt the risk of him falling out.
The bigger ones (5 and 3) ususally sleep through the night in their room, but when they wake up they come to our room and sleep on a little matress on the floor. We went through a period a short while ago where the 3 yr old (then almost 3) was sleeping on our floor everynight.

-BelovedBird

[Mama2G&E]

Our family bedtime is a circus, but it works for us.

I go to bed 1st along with our 5 year old DS, while our 17 month DD falls asleep in her crib, ever sence she stoped nursing she loves to fall asleep in her crib. Then when DH comes to bed a little later, and he moves DS into his twin bed, in his own room. Then like clock work DD wakes up, DH goes and gets her and brings her into bed with us. DH then gets up in the morning and goes to work. And DS will usually make his way back to bed with his Sister and Me.....if DS makes it into our room befor DH has gotten up to go to work, I have a crib materess that I pull out from under our bed and he likes to sleep on that.

And we all sleep happily ever after

[Mary]

I sleep with just my baby (19 months old). My husband sleeps on the sofa for a variety of reasons and it is not a problem at all for us.

Our reasons for doing this are:
He likes to fall asleep watching tv.
He wakes up at 5:30 in the morning for work and the alarm would wake us all up.
He prefers sleeping alone.
I sleep better when I'm not worried about how he is sleeping (which is what I do when he sleeps with us).

The funny thing is, in the three years we lived together before we got married, he always slept on the sofa. He just likes it. We even have a guest bedroom with a queen sized bed in it- he won't sleep in it because it is too hard for him to get out of in the mornings! We have our quality time after our son goes to bed. We don't feel like we are missing out on anything. Quite the contrary, we feel like this is what we have been doing the whole time we have lived together.

I do believe if a situation like this bothered any parties involved, you should seek a new sleeping arrangement.

Mary