I'm at the end of my rope with ds....

[BrettsMama]

I need some serious help. Ds has pushed me to my very limit and beyond. I will not spank but I have found myself VERY angry and frustrated and I yelled at him today. I'm not proud of this and feel horrible.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems things get worse every single day. DS has always been a very intense, high needs and somewhat cranky kid. It's always felt like walking on eggshells. You just never know what will set him off. Now, at 20 months, he is unbelievable. I take him to work with me. I teach in a 1 year old room. He loves it and always has. He yells YAY when we pull into the lot. But as soon as we step in that door, he begins hitting, pushing, biting, taking toys, pinching, yelling, screaming at the very top of his lungs and doesn't stop. No matter WHAT I try. I've worked with 1 year olds for five years. I've never experienced something like this. It's horrible. He fights me on EVERY SINGLE THING we do. Kicking me, hitting me, screaming, struggling, thrashing, you name it. Today he whined/screamed ALL DAY LONG. NOthing made him happy. Some days, nothing does and it is more frustrating than I can stand. At home he continues to whine all night long. Nothing makes him happy. I began to lose control so I had to pick him up and give him a binky instead of nursing him to sleep. I patted him and he went down. I'm relieved.

I do not want to feel this way. Why is my son always in such a bad, BAD, and I mean PI$$ed off mood? I play with him non stop. I take him outside. We do all the activities that he loves. The mood only lapses for a few moments while he paints or does an activity that he likes. Then he's back at it. He always wants something more. I nurse him whenever he wants. I try to be gentle and use gentle tones and be reassuring. If things were getting better, I might deal with this easier but it gets worse each and every day. Why can't he just be happy?

I have ruled out many, many physical causes. I don't know what to do and need some serious advice. It makes me so sad and miserable that my son is so negative and aggressive. When he's happy, he's wonderful. So bright, funny and full of personality. But he's like a light switch and anything can set him off. He goes from happy to so angry/upset that he can't be calmed for a long time. I'm so frustrated and tired of this routine.

The other thing is, he is a horrible sleeper. He's doing much better at night, waking 2-4 times to nurse, usually. But naps are a nightmare. He sleeps anywhere from 10 minutes to 40 minutes. No more. I would blame all this crankiness on sleeping but he's like this after a good nights sleep and has always been this way. Help! I just want to make my baby happy. I feel I've done so many things right for him and feel so sad that he's not happy.

[cariofthevalley]

My 7-year-old...

...had all sorts of behavioral difficulties when he was younger. We were at our wits' end trying to figure out how to work with him. At 20 months it's so difficult to find natural consequences and rewards to work with because of the limitations in a child's ability to make those connections at that age. It DOES get better.

But the reason I posted is because I think the sleep thing might be a big factor. My son was a "good" sleeper but snored like a freight train. It's only recently that we're starting to realize that he may have very enlarged tonsils and adenoids and while he seems to be growing "into" them, it may have always been disruptive to his sleep cycles. So while I may not have been as aware of his sleep issues as you are of your ds's sleep issues, I am now realizing he has probably had them for a long time.

This summer his behavior began to improve dramatically. I thought it was a function of him growing up and maturing. But one day, my younger DS started jumping out of bed in the morning and waking him up way earlier than he would otherwise awaken (like 5:30 as opposed to 7). And wow, what a difference, this kid went from being a sweet, caring, respectful young man to a veritable monster overnight. And when we started working with the younger DS to prevent this behavior, the behavior improved just as dramatically.

SO the point is, clearly my big ds is very very very sensitive to sleep deprivation. It's not just the volume of sleep but the disruption in natural sleep cycles (think REM v. non-REM sleep). Maybe you can do some more research in this area - both "academically" and with your son specifically. Perhaps there are ways to understand his sleep cycles and how they affect him.

I wouldn't be surprised, also, if his behavior in the classroom is largely jealousy-inspired and sleep-deprivation fueled.

Don't give up!!!!! Your son is counting on you to help him understand and properly express whatever scary feelings he's experiencing. His maturity will be a factor and what you learn in your journey will all get you there eventually. I think by the age of 5 my ds was really changing every day. Believe me, there were days I was beyond all reason with him until then, but it gets better!!!!! Good luck

[BrettsMama]

Thanks so much for your reply. I felt so guilty all day for even posting this. I was so emotional last night, while posting, after a looooong, hideous day. I hope no one thinks he's some evil little thing because he's not. Just one cranky kid.

What you are saying to me about the sleep issues is setting off so many alarms in my head. I have considered tonsil/adenoid problems a lot lately in relation to his sleep issues. I think I'm going to do some research and maybe even talk to his ped to see if she has any advice and can possibly diagnose a problem. I just hate for my son to be suffering. The first almost two years of his life have been consumed by poor sleep and crankiness and I just want him to have fun and be happy.

Thanks again for your kind words. Don't worry. As frustrated as I get, I will never give up on him.

[Amberlyn]

BrettsMomma: I was thinking the same thing about sleep. For his age his naps arent nearly long enough. The 2 yr old I baby sit takes his naps anywhere between 1.5-3 hrs directly after an 1130am lunch. Although your son may sleep occasionally very very well, his schedule is very disrupted by his nights of fitfull sleep. There are MANY MANY factors as to why a child may not sleep well. I see that you co-sleep, but it is said that co-sleeping can sometimes cause a child to not get a good night sleep, if persay the parents are restless that night... (pls do not think I am against co-sleeping... as my own child slept with me until 3.5 yrs old ). Sleep apnea is another cause of sleep deprivation, as is snoring...
What is his night pattern, I know you said he still nurses at night. Does he have a set schedule for bedtimes and an usual wake up time in the morning? My daughter gets very out of sorts if her normal routine is messed with AT ALL!. Childrens bodies are sooo sensitive.
WIth the naps.. maybe you could try to get him to take 2 shorter naps? I don't want to recommend that you stop night nursing, but maybe the fact that he wakes up to nurse is enough to keep his body from getting enough sleep? For myself as an adult, I require 6 or less hours of sleep a night, but if I am woken up at all during that time, it feels like I didnt get ANY sleep and my whole day is an uproar. Just some thoughts.. I wish you the best of luck, and if I find any good information I will pass it your way

[MsMoMpls]

I bless my chiropractor for turning Joey from a high needs demanding baby into the sweet easy going guy he is now. I strongly suggest chiropractic if you haven't yet.

The other thing to think about is that your frustration with him seems to have a lot to do with feeling like a failure as a mom. Especially when you are also his teacher. So forgive yourself. His behavior is not a reflection of your parenting. I think we all need to be reminded of that on the rough days.

[lilyka]

When he acts like this at the day care does he get your attention. I know my dd would act up as soon as the daycare kids got to our house. All of a sudden my attention was not solely focused on her. Some other kid was getting my attention. what was up with that? well it didn't take her long to see that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So she would hit kids, throw fits, wet her pants whatever it took to get my attention back. And really why shouldn't she. There were other cuye kids around and I am sure she felt ginuine panicked that I would love them more or give them more attention. It was such a shift from the rest of our life. When I stopped doing daycare things got so much better.

Also a room full of one year olds can be a very stressful environment. He sees you there and wants you since you are there but your attention is with someone else. Even if you are focusing on him you have to be aware of what is going on with all the other children and he can sense that I am sure.


Don't get me wrong. i am not saying he is being manipulative or malicous. Just that given the circumstances he might be unsure and insecure in his place with you and need reassurance and more attention and is getting it the easiest way he knows how to insure it. Perhaps it would be better if he weren't in your room. That way he wouldn't have to watch you doting on other children and wouldn't have to be constantly trying to win your attention. I know this probably seems like the perfect set up to you but it has been my experiance working with children that it is usually better for the child and the working parent if they aren't in the same room.