Am I being manipulative? - Page 2

[mollykatsmom]

Originally Posted by kellyb

...you don't just pick up any random half eaten sandwich and take a bite out of it if you feel like it...
Hmmm...food for though...lol...

Clearly you didn't grow up in my family! :LOL

Seriously, the only food issue I have is the desire to eat anything good NOW because growing up, if you put a piece of food down , it wouldn't be there when you got back! Dad was from a BIG, poor family, and ate any leftovers on our plates!

And, to get back on topic:

Originally Posted by marsupialmom

I'm trying to imagine this as an adult scenario:
Me: Can I have a sip of your drink?
Friend: No.
Me: But I'm really thirsty.
Friend: I said no.
That just wouldn't happen, am I right?

This conversation could, and does, take place between me, my DP, members of my family and good friends. We are all food lovers, and share things as a matter of course. I'd be shocked and upset if my DP or any of my foodie friends wouldn't give me a bite or sip of what they had! In fact, if it was my DP, it would probably preface a fight. You've seen us in restaurants--we're the ones eating off of each other's plates and passing forkfuls of things around. I can't really enjoy good food unless it's shared!

--Deirdre

[IdentityCrisisMama]

This is how I am with food as well, especially restaurant food. But, when we ask to 'try' something...it's not really a question in the way that I'm fully expecting to have some.

Occasionally, DC can tell the difference ~ if I can manage to ask her something in the way that I expect the cooperation similar to an adult. If I just say, "That looks good, can I try?" I'd get cooperation for sure. But, if I say it because I want to test if she'll share...well, that's a much different kind of question, yk?

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

But, if I say it because I want to test if she'll share...well, that's a much different kind of question, yk?

Ack! No, you most definitely do not want to do that! That sounds like something the Pearls would do!



I'm still thinking about redirecting being a kind of manipulation. That is a very interesting point. Is it manipulative to offer a choice that I think DS might prefer, in order to distract him from doing something else that I don't want him to do? That's a tough question for me to answer, because it doesn't feel manipulative but I can totally see how it might be. Maybe there's a non-manipulative way to do it? The only other alternatives I see are getting into a direct conflict with him about it, or just let him do it. Maybe there are other solutions?

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by mollykatsmom

This conversation could, and does, take place between me, my DP, members of my family and good friends. We are all food lovers, and share things as a matter of course. I'd be shocked and upset if my DP or any of my foodie friends wouldn't give me a bite or sip of what they had! In fact, if it was my DP, it would probably preface a fight. You've seen us in restaurants--we're the ones eating off of each other's plates and passing forkfuls of things around. I can't really enjoy good food unless it's shared!--Deirdre

Some of us find it offensive for you even to ask!! Now if I offer food off my plate I have no problem sharing but don't ask me for my food. You know your family and your friends but don't be offended if someone doesnt want to share food. I share with my children but would not ask another adult for food off their plate (it was the way I was raised).

I had a roommate that use to always ask me for my food. I felt bad for being put in a possition of saying NO. It makes you feel like a meany and like you are offencive but there are many reasons why I don't want to share my food 1. I am starving. 2. I get cold sores. 3. I worked darn hard to pay for that food and I had a limited amount (Now I have a new one. I am changing my food eating habits. I need my set portion size sharing food can mess my mental controls I am trying to set. I take care of elderly grandparents and have to watch the ammount they eat.) Then of course there is the germ issues.

I was taught to always offer food and drink, though. LOL I grew up in a house that you didnot get out of our house without your own plate of food.

I was raised you never went into anothers home and asked for food you wait until it is offered. If you are thirsty it is ok to ask for water and nothing more but it is ok to accept other drink if OFFERED. If you were not invited to eat the polite thing to do is to leave.

********Mollykat I do have to agree with you about the half eaten sandwhich. That never happen in my home. But we were expected to offer the last piece to a guest first and in other homes ask if other people want it.

Originally Posted by [COLOR=DarkRed

famousmockngbrd[/COLOR]]
I'm trying to imagine this as an adult scenario:
Me: Can I have a sip of your drink?
Friend: No.
Me: But I'm really thirsty.
Friend: I said no.

As I stated about sharing food and drink this situation does happen to me. I get cold sores. I got them from my aunt when I was about 2 (sharing drink and food). At times I think I might be getting one so I say no. I had a roommate that didn't get it. I have gotten dirty looks, assumptions, and rumors started about my cold sores there from kissing you know I MUST BE A SLUT. I am not trying to be rude, greedy, or offensive. I would also not just have said NO to you. I would be more inclined to say "No, but let me get you a drink/cup." I have had to be very insistant with people about not sharing my drinks and/or food. I shouldn't have to explain why I don't want to, but should have good enough manners to help you quinch your thirst some other way.

[Baby Hopes]

This is an interesting thread, and at the very least a reminder to always be aware of our own motives and the manner in which we treat others. Specifically our young kiddo's.

FWIW, I have wanted to say "No" when dh has asked for a sip of my drink. He doesn't ask often (usually it would be the other way around) but there have been times when I have felt less than communal and would rather hog my water to myself.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

Ack! No, you most definitely do not want to do that! That sounds like something the Pearls would do!

Oh, now that you repeat this back to me, I can see that what I said was a touch rude. The reason it came out that way is because I’m having a difficult time expressing what I mean here.

I'm basically saying that I think even young children react to, not only our words, but our motivation. I think they can *tell* when there's more going on. So, I believe that your child can sense that you're asking for more than a sip of his water in the times where you're also worrying that he won't be a person who shares down the road.

I also think that having some deeper concerns about this issue may put some negative expectations into the individual requests, which may cause a problem with him being willing to share in the first place.

I still think I'm not expressing myself very well here...I wish I could remember where I read this stuff because it *really* helped me wrap my mind around some feelings I was having about these issues.

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

Is it manipulative to offer a choice that I think DS might prefer, in order to distract him from doing something else that I don't want him to do?

I, personally, feel this *is* manipulation. I must say that I didn't start to see it this way until I realized that my daughter knew she was being manipulated (this was around 2.5 years).

But, I still do this with my child and would do it with my next children (although maybe to a lesser extent). Like I said, I don't think that manipulation is this terrible thing. It was just a big relief to me when I acknowledged that this is what I was doing.

[famousmockngbrd]

ICM, I didn't think you were being rude. I was agreeing with you.

You've given me a lot to think about. My first reaction when I read your last post was, "But there isn't anything going on besides me wanting a drink, I don't set out to 'teach him a lesson'..." That is true, but if he says no, it does turn into something more. I guess that isn't really fair, since he has asked for my drink and I have said no, like if I'm drinking coffee or something. (I have given it to him, too. I just don't every time he asks.) So it seems reasonable for him to have that same option. It's not like he always says no.

Thanks, everyone - this has been enlightening in many ways -

[canadiyank]

We offer things to dd and occassionally request things from her, and share with her when she asks. Recently were in a restaurant and she offered me some of her pancakes...I said, "No thanks, but thanks for offering." Later I offered her a bite of my dinner and she said, "No thanks, mommy, but thanks for offering." It was so sweet! If she asks me for a bite/sip I generally say yes. I don't usually ask for things from her but she will often offer...today she offered me a bite of her pumpkin cookie and I said, "No thanks, but thanks for offering," and then she asked my friend if she would like some. My friend did, so dd shared and seemed very pleased to be able to share. I think it's like people have pointed out, modelling is the best way to teach...it is great to be able to see her share and offer things.