Go Away- question about someone else's kid

[sadie_sabot]

My 23 month old dd is in a daycare co-op, which means that we hire a teacher and then each day a different parent works too. All the kids are within a month or two of two years old. One kid tells everyone to go away. He'll say it to me when i show up to drop off my dd, he says it if he falls down, sometimes it's specific and sometimes it's random. he also tries to hit the person he's telling to 'go away." It fels hostile and mean.

My dd loves this kid. she talks about him all the time, and when he arrives at co-op she will jump up and down, she's so happy. then he immediatley tells her to 'go 'way" and tries to hit her (or kick her or head butt her), and she either bursts out crying or tries to hit him back. Often they fight all day long (they are for sure the two most assertive kids in the co-op).

My dd and other kids have started to say "Go Away" lately. It feels yucky, and I've been encouraging dd to say "I need space" instead, which she will sometimes do. The other kid's parents don't seem bothered, they don't discourage him from saying it.

I think it is partly an exercise of power, and I'm cool with that, but it's also often really hostile. I love this kid when he's not being hostile...and i also get all momma bearish when he tells dd to go away and she takes it so hard.

I know this is loooong and probably not enough information anyway, but I just don't know how to proceed.

[KellyB]

Wow...that is weird...
He's a sweet kid some of the time? But often agressive?
Hmmm...what do his parents seem like?
I guess what I'm really asking is...do you think his parents say this to him? Ever?
Or do you think this is something he heard said once, that he decided to try, and now he's just facinated by the reaction he sees when he uses it?

[Marsupialmom]

Age/developmental appropriate rudeness~~ My second child did this and we never said "go away". Nobody did this to her.

You are an adult you can get up and leave and politely ask/tell someone not to invade your space. You have many things you have set boundries on your toddler needs this space also.

You meet a rude "go away" with the appropriate words and tone. "DC I know you want to play with that by yourself please say it this way next time -----appropriate tone and wording."

If you fell down people would ask "Are you ok" maybe get closer to offer a hand but a toddler gets swept up wether he likes, wants, or needs it. This is very violating!! He is establing a boundry that should be respected ... He doesn't want hands on help... ask from a distant. Ask if he needs help. Ask permission to check him out (UNLESS OBVIOUS treatment for injury is needed). You can still give appropraite words and model appropriate behavior for him. Role playing when not injured will help a "stay away" child.

"Stay away" kids also might be dealing with seperation issues. When I was going to school there was a "stay away" toddler (about the same age) at the daycare. He had a hard time seperating and wanted space and time to deal with his emotion and every one got in his face trying to "engage" him. Everyday, from a distants, I would say "Hi, XYZ glad to see you." Then leave him alone. After a few weeks he was my buddy. His "stay aways" were his way of dealing with this envorment/situation. Once the teacher took a hands-off/ distant method (giving the child time to emotionally deal on his own) did he get friendlier. He needed time and control of his situation. The day care enviorment was overwehlming "stay aways" gave him some control and security.

[mamaduck]

If he's only 2, then I think he's expressing himself very well and efforts should be made to maintain a good distance from him and respect his strong senes of space. Some 2 year olds are not verbal at all. I suspect he is doing the best he can in a situation that overwhelms him.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

My child is a 'go away' kid but she doesn't say that exact thing. I agree that the child's wishes should be respected and that he's actually expressing himself quite well for such a young child...(the verbal stuff).

In observing my child, polite requests for children to give her space simply doesn't work. Unfortunately, this doesn’t even always work for adults. I've taught her to put her hands out and say "NO!" if more 'polite' ways don’t work.

Maybe you could just explain to your child that "go away" is the only way he can express that he needs some space.

[jenyum]

My daughter went through her "go away" phase, too. She used to yell "Go Away" while clinging to me. She'd tell me to go away whenever anything didn't go her way. I think it was related to her increased physical separation from me at that age, she wanted to be independent but wasn't ready to really go through with it yet so she would just express it verbally.

I think it's normal for two year olds to have a lot of anger about growing up that isn't related to any bad parenting. At least I hope so, because my daughter was a pretty angry two year old.

[fayking]

my first proper words where 'go away'...i used to say it to everyone. my mum says it was mainly when i was in a new or different situation or if someone was in my space. i still have 'space issues' but i can now verbalise my self much better. (but my DP may disagree!)

[beanma]

i think marsupialmom's post is right on. my dd1 has always had a larger personal space boundary than other kids. she doesn't say ""go away", but more likely just "no" or she'll negate whatever the other person said, "i'm NOT wearing a pretty dress!", etc. she is startled and wary and a little afraid if a super friendly kid runs up to hug her or hold her hand. she actually much much much prefers the company of grown ups who aren't nearly as grabby or in her face as much or as unpredictable as some other preschoolers.

i think it's just temperament. i read "kids, parents, and power struggles" by kurcinka, recently and she talks a lot about temperament and the different ways kids need to process things.

i think telling your dd that when she says "go away" it it feels yucky to you (or however you want to describe it) and offer the alternative phrase is great. you might explain that some people do need a little more space and encourage her to give her friend a little space and ask from a distance if he'd like to play. he might. i doubt my dd1 would, but he might. it's really hard for an exuberant kid to tone things down and really hard for a cautious kid to dive right in. tough situation, but just explain and encourage and they'll both learn what it takes to get along, i'm sure.

[sadie_sabot]

thank you all very much. I think I was getting caught up in reacting to a perceived hostility from this kid. I think it may indeed have something to do with seperation issues; I also have observed his parents to be a bit tense and a bit stand offish.

I'll keep thinking about this and processing y'all's input; I may come back soon with more questions for you...

it's really useful to hear this described as age appropriate.

[oceanbaby]

I just wanted to chime in to agree with the others. My son is 3.5yo, and although he doesn't use the words "go away," he is very firm about when he doesn't want anyone in his space at the moment, and sometimes it comes off as very rude and bratty. And I do feel bad when he rebuffs a kid that is excited to see him - this often happens when we go to visit my SIL. As soon as we go in SIL's dd is trying to hug him and play with him, and he is loudly saying "NO" and pushing his hand out towards her, telling her to stay away. While I cringe when he does this, I realize that this is the only way to communicate his feelings at the moment. He talked late, and is still getting up to speed, so he doesn't have a huge repertoire of words to explain complex emotions.

He has just recently started saying to me "Don't talk to me!" when he is in a bad mood and I am trying to help him out of it. And while my first thought is to fire back about being polite and don't backtalk, I think it is better to respect what he is trying to tell me. How many times have I said "Can I just have a minute to myself please!?!?!?!" And while I think that my words are more polite, I've also had 30 more years than he has to figure that out. He's normally a polite and respectful kid, so I just figure that he has a good reason for coming off so rude when he says this.