tantrums and swatting at the mama

[brandy111803]

We have an almost 11 mo old son and am feeling a little limited and confused with the whole "discipline" factor. My ds started walking 2 mo ago and since then....whoa lookout! His will and more independence have kicked in. At that time I also started working on my doula certification (lot more time spent on the comp, reading, etc) and now ds has taken to lying down (not throwing himself down thankfully) and thrusting his pelvis into the air over and over when we have to take something away from him. He is also swatting at me lately. We don't spank him, slap hands or anything so why is he swatting at me? He occasionally does it to dh but more so to me. We usually use diversion for the tantrums and I don't know what to do abt the swatting at me thing. I know that he's limited to how he can communicate at this age so I don't know what to do to let him know that swatting at me is unacceptable. I know he's just trying to communicate something...but what!? TIA

[insahmniak]

Can you describe the context of the swatting behavior? Does it seem random? Could it be about feeling frustrated?

Is your son talking yet? Signing?

The Relatively New have so little control over such large portions of their lives. I really feel for them. We haul them here or there, we pick them up at odd times, ask them to sleep here or eat this. They can't express themselves the way we can (with words). And on and on. I'll bet I'd feel pretty frustrated with that.

Anyway, maybe if you give a few more details about the context of the swatting...

[brandy111803]

swatting the mama

sometimes he swats at me when i go to hug or kiss him. sometimes it's when i change him or when we are playing. he just reaches up and swat, swat, swat....he does it with a soft open hand and sometimes he starts out just doing it softly and then it increases a little more in firmness before i stop him. at first i thought it was simply b/c he was touching my face and feeling it, but now i am wondering what the motivation is. i have thought that maybe it's because i am invading his space but how else do i chg his diap? he doesn't say words yet and has only signed "hot" and says "ha" for it (i cook w/ him alot) and he has signed "milk" once or twice. Thanks, B.

[whimsy]

Could he just be trying to figure out what's OK and what's not?

Maybe he's trying to define that line between a loving touch to your face and one that you don't like?

[insahmniak]

Originally Posted by whimsy

...Maybe he's trying to define that line between a loving touch to your face and one that you don't like?

I agree with whimsy. I have this theory about self-regulation and experimenting with what is physically possible -- we all have done this to some extent. It's how we learn to walk, talk, hit a flying ball with a bat, scream, whisper, etc. On a very basic level, when we're learning something new we end up all over the place on the spectrum of what is possible. If I whisper this softly will I hear me? Will you hear me? If I push the air out fast and open up my throat this wide what does that feel like? What does that sound like? And there are other levels, too, like how does this impact the person standing next to me or the person I'm swatting?

My daughter swats at me this way when she feels frustrated or angry about something -- it's usually a sign of feeling helpless -- and I can sense that she experiments with how hard she swats. Could this be the case? Could you be getting a subtle boundary cue?

Although at first I felt a bit hurt by it, now I'm completely convinced that I get this behavior more because we're so attached. She feels safe to try this out with me. It's an honor in a way, and I'm so happy to be able to help her learn about her feelings and the capabilities of her own body.

Some folks here will advocate saying "no hitting" as part of a response, and I can totally understand where they are coming from. In my situation, my daughter is clearly feeling frustrated and I focus on the feelings, not the behavior. I supply possible words for her feelings. I gently and very carefully embrace her so that her swatting has some limits, which I think might feel reassuring to her (it seems to calm her). But unless the hitting is very, very agressive (almost never) I do not say "don't hit."

The Playful Parenting book had a huge impact on how I address what I used to view as "problems." I now see them as opportunities and I welcome them. I highly recommend the book. It might inspire you to come up with some creative ways of playing with the whole hitting issue. In your case, I might try fooling around with limits. Hit a drum softly and whisper together. Then do it loudly. Then softly. Walk fast with the shopping cart, walk slowly. Use the words - soft, loud, slowly, fast, light, dark, and make the changes sudden or progressive.

Well, that's probably more than you wanted. And my partner is waiting ever so patiently for me -- hope he's not asleep yet!

HTH

[brandy111803]

swatting

Thanks for the info and it wasn't more than I wanted...it was just what we needed! I will try some of the sugg's and will look into the book. I have heard other mama's sugg the same book too. Thanks so much for taking the time to write!