teaching words vs. hitting -- backfiring?

[chiedza]

My DH (age 2) sometimes hits or bites his playmates when they do something he doesn't like (e.g. take his toy). We've been working on teaching him to use words instead of hitting (e.g. "I don't like it when you take my toy", etc.) He is very verbal so he can say these things (although still often doesn't in the heat of the moment).

The problem is ... he now says this to me and DH and then I feel like we're disrespecting him by not following his request.

For example, it's cold out so we want him to wear a sweatshirt. He protests, saying, "No I don't like that! I don't want to wear that!" and so on. In this situation, I feel maybe I should not force the sweatshirt, and respect what he's telling me (although I must admit I usually do require it, but am starting to rethink this).

However, there are some situations where he verbally protests something that is just absolutely necessary. Like a diaper change.

So how would you handle all this?

[NatureMama3]

WhenEVER possible (won't let him sit in a dirty diaper, won't let him run into traffic, that sort of thing) I try to allow the request.

So it's cold? Take a sweatshirt with you and when he's cold he'll ask for it.

The less power struggles you can have, the easier life will be for all.

[Fieryfly]

I agree, honor his request. If it isn't necessary for safety, then bring the sweatshirt along and let him know that he can ask for it later. Offering choices are also a successful method at this age, such as offering two sweatshirts or putting it on in the house or on the porch.

Its great that he is making progress in using his words, keep up the good work!

[fiddledebi]

For what it's worth, I let DD sit in a dirty diaper if she won't let me change it, but always tell her:

1. Your poop smells yucky, and I don't want to play very close to you when you smell like that.

2. If you leave that poopy diaper on for very long, you might get a rash on your tush. It could hurt you.

I always follow either of these statements with: As soon as you're ready, let me know and we'll get a clean diaper on. I'll be ready when you are.

Then I let her choose where we change it.

[mamaduck]

I honor verbal requests as often as possible. If I cannot for a health or morality related reason, then I go to great pain to acknowlege that I *heard* and I *understand.* Empathy is so important! "Yes, I know you don't like this. I hear you! Sometimes things can be so tough!" And then if it seems approriate, explain your reasons in simple terms and do what you need to do.

[chiedza]

If it isn't necessary for safety, then bring the sweatshirt along and let him know that he can ask for it later.

I tried to talk about this with DH last night, to which he responded, "Well what about in the dead of winter? We don't want him to get frostbite!"

I responded, "Well, hopefully he'll start noticing it's cold and asking to wear his jacket before it gets to be the dead of winter so by then he'll be used to putting it on to go outside." Right?

We also had a bit of a debate about consistency. DS goes to a nursery school all day. Presumably there they make him wear his jacket, and DH thinks we should be consistent with that. I think that doesn't really matter, he can learn there are different 'rules' at school and home. I also pointed out to DH that if he doesn't agree with honoring DS's request than he doesn't have to be consistent with what I do. But part of me wants him to just go along with my ideas of gentle discipline!

[OTMomma]

Just another idea: Can you give him a choice? So instead of saying "Lets put your jacket on now" and he says "no" could you try "Its cold outside today. Which jacket would you like to wear your red one or your blue one?" I have found with my dd that this method side steps the problem. Though last winter she picked a jacket that wasn't always the same thickness as I would like- at least she had a jacket on and we didn't have to argue about it. And if need be, I took another one along.

[ja mama]

I think there's also wisdom in honoring his requests that are respectfully asked. Teach him that if he says "no thank you" to wearing the jacket, you won't stuff him into it, you'll carry it along until he's ready for it.

Try to save demands for the times that safety or necessity requires his cooperation, and let him know why a polite refusal won't work this time. The rest of time try to consciously make suggestions or ask his opinion on how he'd like to proceed with the task at hand. That eliminates the power struggle, and it eliminates his trying to figure out why Mom backs down sometimes but not other times.

[chiedza]

Originally Posted by ja mama

Teach him that if he says "no thank you" to wearing the jacket, you won't stuff him into it, you'll carry it along until he's ready for it.

... it eliminates his trying to figure out why Mom backs down sometimes but not other times.

Thanks! Those are both really helpful points.

[MaMaLi]

I also find that when I offer choices my son will do what I am asking. I try to do this with almost everything from clothes, to where a diaper change will be, to whether he wants to eat in the kitchen or dining room (except for dinner when we all eat in the dining room). It works very well but I think it is really important to limit the choices to two or it is too overwhelming for a toddler to choose.

I do however think that parents need to be able to set limits within the choices and help them make good choices by only offering good choices. So I wouldn't for example say, "Do you want to wear this thin little coat that won't keep you warm enough or do you want this very warm coat?" That would set him up for failure. He needs to be successful with which ever choice is made.

I think it is very important to be respectful of toddlers and offering them choices also teaches them to make choices rather than have other people make decisions for them.

Good luck.

[ja mama]

Also wanted to add that exposure to frostbite or hypothermia are safety issues in my opinion. (that's how I'd respond to your dh's comment)