I have a GD question.

[Justice2]

I am really trying to learn. I have a 20 month old. Recently he has been throwing some major tantrums. About EVERYTHING. Now, we don't spank, never have, never will. About two days ago I started using time outs. Now, I don't usually come to the GD forum because I thought that we were doing a pretty good job and using GD. Then, I go to a thread and find that time out isn't an acceptable part of GD. So, now I am scratching my head. I don't really know what to do. I have started my GD learning process and am currently reading through the archives. I have printed out the list (can't remember the thread) about what to do when my ds is acting out, things to try. So, I am going to put that into practice. So I guess my only real question is can someone explain to me why time outs are not ok? It's a real question! I appreciate any help you wise and wonderful mamas can offer!

[Rainbow]

When my 18 month old started having tantrums I used it as a time to look at myself. I was busy, and not giving her the autonomy she needed. Her ability to think has grown faster than her ability to communicate, and that is very frustrating.

I am not saying this is the case with you, just sharing my experience These were things I knew, and how I raised my first DD- but when I got busy with life and two kids...well, it just slipped away from me for awhile.

I gave a good week of forcing myself to honor her need for control in her environment. At the same time I tried to focus on her feelings and help verbalize her feelings.

That basically meant I tried not remove things from her hand, or move her body from a situation that I wasn't comfortable with (unless dangerous). I would try to give words to her feelings "It look slike you wanted to touch that" "It looks like you're feeling angry right now" and the tempers have all but stopped.

When she has something I don't think she should have, I ask her if she wants to put it on the mantle or the counter, and help her do so- by lifting her body adn letting her put it there. Then I say thank you and help her find another cool thing to play with. Giving her some control over her environment changed the world for us. More often now, instead of a full temper she shakes her head sadly when I say "it look slike you're feeling _____ right now". I try to give her choices, legitimate ones- I don't try to pretend she has a choice when she doesn't- but I can give her a choice in the sollution.

A tantrum is a accumulation of valid feelings or frustration, and loss of control. Even though it may seem extreme and exhausting, the feelings of a tantrum are valid. Try to imagine how you would want your partner or friend to respond if you had your face buried in a pillow sobbing- a tantrum is a similar expression or accumulation of feelings.

Tantrums are not a sign of failure as a mother or father. I felt the *NEED* to fix and repair the problem, I felt like I was failing and it caused me to respond in a rushed attempt to get the symptom of crying to stop- rather than making my goal to listen and let them let it out. Sometimes they may just need to cry- and know we are there for them.

My husbadn had to learn that when the tantrum happens- he had to change gears from "teaching" to listening and being their safe spot to let it out. No more "that is why I didn't want you to play with that" and more "I hear you"

[Rainbow]

I think as far as time outs for tantrums... really it is punishing something completely normal, and even involuntary. Like I said above, to me it is similar to an adult "loosing it" and dropping on their bed sobbing. Would you want your partner or friend to come in and say- "go sit by yourself and think about thsi behaviour" or "come here, it looks like you need a hug. What can I do to help you?" *disclaimer below*

Obviously the latter is more compassionate once you accept that the feelings sparking the behaviour are valid.

There is a book I love, called "Becoming the Parent you want to be" and it talks about "honoring the impulse" While maybe he can't jump on the sofa or bang on the table- you want to look at the need behind the impulse. Instead of punishing him for jumping on the sofa after you told him 10 times- try giving him a safe space to jump- it is probably a developemental need. I think that is my issue with time outs, though I've used them in a pinch. Punitive discipline doesn't honor the need behind the action, and if you can honor the need by redirecting it you're telling the child his needs are heard and listened to. You're also showing him to find sollutions to road blocks instead of feeling that the only way to meet his needs or wants is to go against wishes or rules. That is a great tool for life, you know?

ETA Disclaimer: I do not meant ot intend that if they say "I want the knife" you then give it to them. I actually think it is important to stick to your word (unless you realize you were wrong in the first place). But you can say "I bet it is really frustrating that we can't play with the knife. What else might work?"

[Justice2]

Wow. you are an awesome help. Thank you so much, Rainbow!

[Justice2]

I am certainly going to print that out too!

[OTMomma]

I"m dense. I still don't get why a time out is bad. Now at my house, a time out is when I sit and hold dd for a few minutes and tell her that we aren't playing for a few minutes because she hit me, or something else that I find to be very serious. (not because she jumped on the couch or colored on the wall). She is being held, not sequestered alone, so why is this not gd? I really do want to understand and I do understand exactly what Rainbow is saying about respecting your child as a person with wants needs and emotions.

So what do you do when your child really does need to understand there is a limit? Like when they are pulling your hair or throwing things at you?

[Rainbow]

That is more of a variation to a standard time out. In our home when they get extremely upset or rough we talk about taking a time out/space to ourselves to cool down, and I hold them if they'll have me. Stroke their hair and talk about hw they are feeling and how they can communicate with words instead of body. IMO it isn't punitive when you're teaching them ways to control their body. You're giving them the tools for kowing their limits and how to unwind when wound up. IMO It is punitive when you say "you did this, therefore you need this unpleasant consequence".