How to teach them that 2 wrongs don't make it right?

[ameliabedelia]

Today we were at playgroup and there were a boy (about 4) and his sister (about 2) playing together. They had this one merry-go-round toy near them, but it didn't obviously look to me as though they were playing with it. It was just near them, but I didn't see them using it. DD (2 1/2) goes up to it and takes that toy away to play with it herself. So, then the little boy goes and grabs it out of her hand and says "my sister is playing with that" So, I walk with dd over to them and dd just stands there with her hands behind her back watching them. I said something about maybe they could all play together. At one point, when they weren't touching it, she reached out and pushed the button on the merry-go-round, DD was just trying to play nicely with them. Then the little boy takes the toy away and says "let's go play over here away from boring babies" I was so mad!!!! My dd isn't any younger than the sister and I thought it was very mean of him to call her a "boring baby" and not want to play with her. It just made me feel so sad for my dd. I don't think she got the boring baby comment but she definitely got that they didn't want to play with her. Plus my dd was being very good and just watching them play, not grabbing the toy (you could just see her controlling her impulse to grab it, she had her hands behind her back (btw I never taught her to do that, she just does it), and was just watching them. (Previously she did the same thing with a little girl who was playing with keys. DD was interested in the keys and she walked up to the girl and reached out to touch the keys, but then thought about it and put her hands behind her back and just looked at them - so, I know that out GD is working, she IS learning how to share).

But, after that incident with the boy, her behavior went downhill. A little later we were sitting in a chair and then got up to do something else, but when another little boy came to sit in that chair she got upset and tried pull him off of it. So, I just picked her up and took her away from the situation. Later on she was playing with this doll and then dropped it to do something else. Well that little boy (the one in the merry-go-round incident) picked it up so DD goes and grabs it out of his hands. I just went over and made DD give it back (which made her very upset), but I also felt really bad about it. I was pretty sure that if that little boy hadn't taken the merry-go-round thing away from her earlier, she wouldn't have grabbed the doll from him. It was almost as though what he did to her caused her to "unlearn" what she had learned about not grabbing toys from other kids. Because he grabbed it from her and wouldn't play with her, she started to do the same thing to others.

How do you deal with situations like these?? I am very hesitant to really talk to or deal with other people's kids a lot, (like insisting that they let my dd play with them) or say anything to that boy about taking the toy away from DD. I just don't know what to do in the case. I know what I do if my dd takes another kids toys, but what do you do if another kid takes your child's toy and the mom doesn't notice or do anything about it. I watch my dd like a hawk during playgroup. I am not always near her, sometimes I am talking to other moms or something but I am always aware of where she is, what she is doing, who she is playing with etc, but it seems some of the other moms aren't as aware. So, not only does my DD get the toy taken away, but it is almost as if that incident is teaching her that it is "okay" for one person to grab a toy from another.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

Those can be tough situations. I have a 4 y.o. and a 2 y.o., so I can see things from both children's perspectives. I used to have pretty elevated expectations of preschoolers when my oldest was a baby and toddler. Now that I have a preschooler, I realize just how far they are from being able to consistantly behave in a civilized manner. They are on a *huge* learning curve in the social arena, and I think any adult can help them -- it doesn't have to be a parent. (Although it's nice when the parent intervenes in a situation like yours.) As for your dd, she's learning too -- that life and other people aren't always fair, and that she can stand up for herself (even if the way she's doing it isn't appropriate.)

Here's what I might have done in your situation, especially if I had several minutes to really think it through, as I have just done.

When the boy grabed the toy and said his sister was playing with it, I would have turned to the sister and encouraged my child to ask the sister if she (my dc) could play with the toy. If my dc didn't want to speak, I would ask for her at age 2. If the sister was playing with it (or not) than she's the one to deal with, kwim? If the brother continued to assert that my dc should just go away, I would gently remind him that if his sister was playing with it, then it was her decision when/if to share, not his. (I might have said something to the boy about it the grabbing when it happened too. It would depend on the situation.)

The boring babies comment, I would have just let go unless I knew the child, which is certainly possible at a playgroup. If he were the child of a friend, I would have no problem addressing the name-calling. If my dc had started to cry, I might have called his attention to it, so that he could see the effect of his words. Or I might not have -- it would really depend on the dynamic of the situation. Either way, I would help dc identify her feelings. "You must be feeling sad that they don't want to play with you. The best thing to do is find someone else to play with." (Or whatever you want to say, but then redirect her.)

I'd use a similar approach to her grabing a toy from him. "You're feeling angry. Jimmy took a toy from you, and now you want to take a toy from him." I'd not be at all worried about "Jimmy" hearing this -- in fact it's good if he does! It will help him understand the effect his actions have on others. "I understand how angry you are, but it's never OK to grab toys." If you feel she is old enough, you could add something like, "You can tell Jimmy how you feel with words. You can say, 'I didn't like it when you grabbed that toy from me.'" This "telling with words" part is probably a bit much for a 2 y.o., especially with an older child she doesn't know well. I use this approach a lot with my kids, but being siblings, they have strong communication already established.

Good luck at future playgroups!