When do kids start to be really empathetic

[Mama J Rock]

By "really" I mean that they can control their impulse to hurt their younger siblings when something has them upset. My dd will be three next month and here lately she has been rough with her sister a lot more than normal. It used to be more of a harmless type of rough. Now it seems more intentional. I realize that it's usually when she's trying to get my attention or is "protecting" her turf (toys, whatever) and I try to get there right away to prevent as much of it as I can but it's starting to wear me down. I've said about a million times in the last two days "oh we don't want to hurt dd" "tell mommy to help you when she gets your things" etc, etc. I model for her how to do it and even role play some scenarios with her in a game type way to try to help her.

She is really a sweet person and when she accidentally hurts her sister or anyone, even just bumping into someone or knocking something over she will say in the sweetest voice "oh I'm sorry" without any prompting so I know that she has empathy. Just not the kind that makes her not want to hurt someone (usually her sister) when things aren't going right.

I want her to not treat her sister that way because she knows it's not right, not because it will get her into trouble so I've avoided any type of punishment beyond ignoring her while I tend to the victim but I'm finding myself getting less and less patient with this type of behavior. When though will she start to get that?

[NatureMama3]

My twins are just recently beginning to develop that. They started developing remorse before that, but neither of those were in place during the 3s.

[Butter]

It really depends on the child. Miss A was in her 3's. Mr. Man was still just 2.

[jempd]

I think around 3 but I would also say to remember that it happens gradually, and that you can definitely encourage it by your in-put i.e. lots of conversations about characters in books or people you see: oh, the girl is crying, why? Is she sad? Did she get hurt? etc.

I used to do floor-time with my son who had a lot of trouble with this. For example if his truck knocked into mine I'd say OW that hurt, I'm sad, I'm going to go away, I don't feel like playing . . . For some reason in the setting of playing it really takes hold. If you feel she needs it I would up the amount of attention you bring to it and help her understand about the different kinds of feelings people have when others do things to them, and how people feel differently about the same thing happening (i.e. grabbing a toy away makes you feel glad that you have it, but whoever you grabbed it from angry) and you can discuss the whole 'different' concept--3 year olds are big into exploring these concepts. Be sure to elicit her ideas and opinions when doing it.

[Mama J Rock]

It's funny that I posted this just yesterday, partly in exasperation at the lack of empathy that my dd has been displaying toward her sister lately and then this morning when dd2 woke up dd1 wanted to go "get" her and didn't want me to go with her. When she opened the door dd2 started fussing/crying because she wanted me and dd1 was saying "it's okay babe, don't cry, mama's coming in just a minute. I just wanted to play peek-a-boo with you first. Peek-a-boo dd2. good morning. don't cry babe. it's okay." Absolutely melted my heart. So I'm thinking she's getting the empathy part but it still hasn't translated to impulse control when she's upset. I guess that's the part we need to work on, displacing her anger in appropriate forms. Isn't it funny how just when we feel like we can't handle their latest anymore, something clicks and it seems to get better.

[Viola]

I'm hoping it's at least by the time they turn 6. Mine will be 6 in May. I feel like I've been working on empathy for years and it just doesn't take. I'm trying to reevaluate my own behavior. Maybe I'm just pushing being considerate of other people's feelings to the point that she is overwhelmed and can't care too much. She has actually gotten better in some ways and she usually isn't deliberately mean.