Issues #1..."Come get me!"

[IdentityCrisisMama]

We've been struggling more in the last month or so. DC turned 3 in mid-September.

I'd like to run a few problem areas by all of you to see if you have any suggestions. #1...

Sometimes DC wants me but will not come to me. She wants me to come 'get' her or come to where she is. I know she can physically get to me but she wants me to do it.

There are times when this feels like a power struggle and also times when DC seems emotionally distraught like she needs to know that I'll come to her.

There are also times when we're at odds over something.

Like this morning...

I asked DC to help me put some toys away. (we've actually been making some progress with this in the last week or so since I posted here)

Anyway, she didn't want to pick them up because she wanted to play with her toys upstairs. I told her that I would not help her with anything (toy wise) until after she picked up her other toys but that she could go upstairs first while I finished my coffee.

Then she started yelling from upstairs that she wanted help with some toy related issue. I told her that I would not help her until she came down to pick up the other toys....and a battle began.

In the end, I think I helped her downstairs and she picked up her toys but there was lots of crying before that point and I did NOT enjoy my coffee, lol!

So...any help?

[NatureMama3]

I think the suggestion that she go ahead was a good one. I think though, that by the time she was up there engaged in something and asking for you, she'd likely forgotten the previous discussion and the toys to be picked up.

I honestly don't have an answer (curious to see what others offer), but I do see that as where the power struggle was started.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Yea, I have no doubt that she just forgot about it. This becomes a problem though because she *thinks* she will come back and do it and I prefer to allow this situation.

Is three just too young for promises and arrangements like this? If so, what else should I do?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Oh, BTW, where do you think the power struggle started?

[NatureMama3]

Yea, I do think she's too young for that. My twins (5.5) are only now able to understand that concept. They may be late on that, but I do think 3 is too young.

I meant to say that I think the power struggle started when she expected you to come help her like you would normally but you expected her to follow through with the agreement.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

So, what should I do? Should I help her to remember that she made an agreement or stop making agreements with her?

[NatureMama3]

*I* would either stop making agreements like that or alter how I make them.

ex:

"Either we can clean this up now and go upstairs, or you can go without me as I have something to do first."

"mama, come up to me and play"

"remember, I am doing something, I'll be up as soon as I'm done here"

Then later, you can try the cleaning part again.

For *her* it's 2 separate things. Cleaning this up is completely unrelated to playing upstairs. It's not unreasonable to want her to help clean the mess, it's also not unreasonable for her to want to do it at a different time than you designate. She's learning how to negotiate and is clearly trying that skill out right now.

that's just my $0.02 mind you. :LOL I could be way off base. :LOL

[nikirj]

Originally Posted by NatureMamaOR

*I* would either stop making agreements like that or alter how I make them.

I think that the problem is more one of how children process decisions like this than one of direct power-struggle. Think about what a complex thought series we go through to decide the repercussions/consequences of a single behavior, and you are asking her to do three such operations to make a single choice. It is just too complicated for a 3yo. I would make the agreements/hypotheticals simpler. I'd pick just one issue to address at a time (you have tied up picking up the downstairs, going without your help while you drink coffee, going upstairs and playing, and your unwillingness to come upstairs until both coffee and downstairs-cleaning requirements are met, all into one situation - pick just one to elaborate on and let the rest go unsaid). While it would be ideal if your child could understand everything you've told us, it is unrealistic at that age.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

So, good. This is really helpful. I supposed I should have realized that a deal like this is not developmentally appropriated but I got thrown off because it's DC who brings up the deals...somehow I got confused into thinking that if she could come up with the deal she can follow through...silly mama!

I think I'll alter this kind of thing from now on.

Thanks, H.