Issues #2..."DC Just can not accept the options"

[IdentityCrisisMama]

So, (DC #) has been having a difficult time accepting some reality and I'm not sure what to do when this happens.

Like tonight...

I found this cool baby doll buggy in the garbage/recycling and brought it home. She loved it and I told her that I would even fix the shade in the morning. I regret bringing it up but I did, so...

DC flipped out and wanted me to fix it right then but I wasn’t willing to.

I have a hard time when this happens because I don't like ignoring her when she's this upset but these incidents are happening quite often and I simply don't have the emotional energy to sit with her for every one. Plus, I don't seem to be helping her anyway.

I usually acknowledge the feelings as best as I can, offer emotional comfort and/or a snuggle and every option available but then I don't know what to do.

Should I just walk away? Sit there? Just sitting there feels so cold.

I normally just continue to offer suggestions but that doesn’t seem to help and it usually leads to me feeling frustrated and resentful.

Help!

[Jessviola]

That sounds just like my dd who turned 3 last month. I'm hoping someone has some helpful tips! I get really burnt out from all the screaming and not being able to calm her. I know she knows the words to express herself or atleast attempt to, but she opts to shriek instead...

[NatureMama3]

Well, for the flipping out part, I'd offer to hold her and if she didn't want, still stay with her (unless she asks you to leave).

But for the thing that caused it *this* time, could you have given her a rag and warm water and let her start "cleaning" it?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

It wasn't dirty, it was broken and needed lots of tools and stuff...this wasn't something she could do herself. Besides, I was a tad 'finished' for the day.

About just staying there while she flips,

It feels really bad to me.

I have a hard time finding the balance between being too 'worried' and 'engaged' and too 'turned off' and 'cold'. I don't know what to do about this.

[NatureMama3]

It IS distressing to witness, but at the same time, what would YOU want if YOU were really upset? Not your husband to walk in the other room right? Sure he may not be able to "fix" it, but at least he's there, KWIM?

[MsMoMpls]

The step you want to be working on with her is "I know you are disappointed that we can't fix it right now, but you are going to be ok." When she can figure out what her feeling is, that it isn't a really huge issue, just an inconvience, she will be able to move forward more easily. Now- that said, depending on temperment, that could take a long time. Some kids get being disappointed better than others. But you do need her to see that you care, you are there for her but you also know she is going to be ok. This isn't a crisis just because she feels out of control. Help her make sense of it and calm down, but maybe just sitting there is ok sometimes.

[NatureMama3]

I do agree to help her understand her feelings! I often will try to help the boys put a name to their emotion (It's really frustrating that we can't ride bike right now because it's dark isn't it? I'm sorry we can't do that.. etc). Sometimes you can ONLY sit there, but I do try to help verbally when I can.

[babyj]

Sounds similar to my life with DS 35 mos. What has worked for me recently is asking him "what can you do while you're waiting (for Daddy to come home, for a friend to come over, for it to warm up outside)?". Simple, but most of the time works wonders. I don't suggest things. I say it very calmly after apologizing and explaining why something is not going according to his plan. I'm usually sitting on the floor with him at this point. If he's upset and says "nothing, Mommy, nothing!". I'll say "would you like me to hold you?". Something so he knows there's comfort if he wants it. I have to tread lightly here because he gets so upset if I try to "help" or kiss him if he doesn't want it.

I started asking him this because it's something I ask myself when things aren't working the way I want them to. I can either waste my time thinking about how much I wish something had worked out or I can do something else that will make me happy.

Take care,

babyj

[maya44]

I think the best thing to do is

1. Offer sympathy "I know you are upset that...."

2. Offer physical comfort. If you put your arms around her and she shrugs you off. Say, "well I am right here if you need me or want a hug or a kiss"

3. If still rejected just stay there but don't interefere. I really believe that THE MOST IMPORTANT thing a child can know is:

"I can feel really bad, and then even though I have screamed and cried and STILL not gotten my way, I WILL feel better later"

Kids need to know that they have the power inside of themselves to feel better after they are uspset. Kids who are deprived of the chance to know this, by parents who fear tantrums are doing a HUGE disservice to their child. Some kids I think are terrified that they will not survive not getting their way, if they have never been given the chance to experience it. What a relief to know that they will indeed survive and be happy again.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I just wanted to quote this from the OP because it seems like I'm getting lots of advice to do the things that I'm already doing, which seems to happen quite often.

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

...I don't like ignoring her when she's this upset but these incidents are happening quite often and I simply don't have the emotional energy to sit with her for every one. Plus, I don't seem to be helping her anyway.

I usually acknowledge the feelings as best as I can, offer emotional comfort and/or a snuggle and every option available but then I don't know what to do.

Should I just walk away? Sit there? Just sitting there feels so cold.

I normally just continue to offer suggestions but that doesn’t seem to help and it usually leads to me feeling frustrated and resentful.

Help!

Yes, helping her with her feelings. I DO do this and mentioned it in the OP but I suppose I could do a better job of it.

Originally Posted by NatureMamaOR

... what would YOU want if YOU were really upset? Not your husband to walk in the other room right? Sure he may not be able to "fix" it, but at least he's there, KWIM?

Well, I've always had a small problem with this type of analogy because...well, because I don't want to treat my daughter how *I* like to be treated because I'm weird. I DO like to be alone when I’m upset. "Do un to others" has never worked for me and I always have to think of how others want to be treated rather than just treating people how I want to be treated.


Update!

I observed closely today and found something unexpected -

DC was having a fit and I've been trying really hard to acknowledge and name her feelings (I've reread "How to talk...").

What I've noticed is that some fits are because she's still trying to convince me to do something for her ~ she isn't even at the stage where she's dealing with the disappointment.

Hum...So, does this change my approach? Maybe I need to help her accept that I'm not going to do somethign before I do the rest.




Now, I'd like to say thanks because there is one important piece of advice on this thread that is new. I like the idea of helping DC understand that she can make herself feel better ~ or that she has the power to help herself. I like this and have not thought of this in these situations.

Could you all describe this for me a little better ~ especially how you talk to your children about this?



Next time I'm going to remind myself to ask DC if there is anything I can do to help rather than feeling that *I* have to suggest all the possible solutions. I think I might also just ask if she wants or needs me to stay with her and see what she says.

For those of you who stay with your child (I stay, btw...I'm just thinking of leaving)- How do you match their frustration while you're sitting there with them? I find this to be really difficult.


So, anyway, thanks. I'm sorry if I was a little frustrated up top here.

[mcsarahb]

Caveat: I don't have a child of a similar age, but I have known quite a few and been a preschool aide...

I not sure what you mean about "matching" her frustration. I think, like maya43 said and you agreed with, that they need to realize they will feel better themselves, without getting what they want, making you change your mind, etc. So it's reasonable, to me, after you've tried to name her feelings, for you to simply be available and let her know you will comfort her. I don't think that's "cold," if you're sitting right there and ready to listen/talk/hug when she's ready. The idea, for me, is to model the behavior you want her to someday be able to display: calm, non-tantruming disappointment, yes, even a little anger, sure, but overall respect for YOUR decision not to do something for her RIGHT AWAY.

Of course as time goes on she can learn to RESPECTFULLY argue with you, compromise, etc., but the trick right now is to acknowledge her feelings and show her that tantrums are not necessary or helpful for getting what she wants. I don't mean that tantrums are bad or scary, but that you should not treat them as more important than they are by making a big deal out of helping her through them.

Good luck-
Sarah

[maya44]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Now, I'd like to say thanks because there is one important piece of advice on this thread that is new. I like the idea of helping DC understand that she can make herself feel better ~ or that she has the power to help herself. I like this and have not thought of this in these situations.

Could you all describe this for me a little better ~ especially how you talk to your children about this?

I have posted this before, sure hope I am not boring anyone, but am happy to talk about it.

I really do think that just letting them get through bad feelings is a gift to a child.

As my kids have gotten older I have even used the past as an example. For instance my DD once broke a beautiful ceramic plate she had made. She was soooo distraught. But later she went to a party and had a great time. A week later she was upset about something else. She felt that she would not get over it. I reminded her about the plate, and how while she still feels bad, just time and her own body have helped heal her sadness. She really liked this and thought about it. She is older though (7).

In any event I certainly would try to be helpful when they were upset. When they did tantrum What I did is start by offering empathy and sympathy and physcial comfort. But if all of that is rejected, I just stay in the room and say "Sweetheart, if you want to talk or a hug, I will be right here". Then I busy myself with some task. The demeanor I try to convey is "I am sad that you feel bad and will help you if you want but I am going to go about my business until then."

Sometimes they would accept the offer and sometimes not. But when they did not, I felt after like they had still benefited by just being allowed to feel badly and then knowing on some level that they could "survive" feeling bad. They knew on some level that they would feel better again. Even when they were really little, I'd say something like, "so you feel better now, huh? Sometimes you just have to cry to feel better, I guess."

My kids outgrew tantrums relatively early and I don't know if my approach helped, but I like to think so.