What do you do when you're staying with your child while they're having a huge fit?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I'm struggling because DC is having some trouble and has been having tantrums lately (she's 3). It has been suggested that I stay with her. Honestly, I'm not even sure leaving is an option but it has definitely crossed my mind.

Part of the reason that leaving is tempting is because I have a really, really hard time figuring out what my role is when I'm there. I just don't know how to act or what to do.

You see, DC doesn't want to snuggle me, doesn’t want to talk, she gets mad if I look at her.

I think part of the problem is that I don't know the proper attitude that I should have during this kind of thing. I'm not able to find a balance between shut off and cold and being overly involved and bothered with her.

Could you all describe what you do, what you're thinking, what your facial expression and body language is like? How do you interact with them? How often do you engage them?

[maya44]

When my kids would tantrum, I would offer them hugs. But if they shrugged those off and didn't want me to look at them, I would stay in the room and say "Well if you want me or want a hug or anything I will be right here, just let me know what you need" Then I'd busy myself with some task in that room, like cleaning up, or reading.

I guess I was basically ignoring them, but having made the offer of my full involvment, I felt like this was not cold or anything KWIM???? My demeanor and facial expression would be sort of like: I am sad that you feel badly, but I am going to go about my business until you let me know what you want.

And if they did ask for me then (which they sometimes did and sometimes not) I would drop what i was doing immediately and get involved.

[sunnmama]

My dd can sometimes have that sort of tantrum--does not want me to look at her/talk to her, but definitely doesn't want me to leave. Lately she is having altogether different sorts of tantrums, but that is another story.....

My approach is/was similar to Maya's.
When she did have this sort of tantrum, I would say something like "I wish I could help you feel better." or "I wish we could work this out". and then busy myself in the immediate area. I don't think it is helpful to make her tantrum the focus of my attention when she is clearly *not* wanting me to look at her, kwim? But I, as well, am not comfortable with the idea of overtly ignoring her misery, or leaving her when she is miserable.

Three is such an emotional age, huh?

[luv my 2 sweeties]

I stay with my son during his tantrums. He often needs protection from himself and/or he gets worse if I move away, even though he doesn't want my comfort. I just remain as neutral as possible. I might murmur to him once in a while, affirming his feelings or reassuring him of my presense -- I try not to suggest that he calm down or stop. I might periodically re-offer to hug or nurse if I think he might be ready, but I back off again if he refuses. I keep my facial expression soft and neutral. "Understanding" might be a good word. If he didn't want me to look at him, I would honor that and turn to the side. Body language is open if I'm not having to catch him, lol! He tends to repeatedly throw himself on my lap, but doesn't want me to hold him there -- he just squirms around a bit then flops back onto the floor for some more kicking and screaming. So I'm in a defensive posture some of the time, but he's never so out of control that I'm worried he will hurt me. Eventually he accepts the nursing or hugs and the tantrum is over.

I think a lot of this depends on the kid. Some chilren might react better to you being in the same room, but not right next to them, like Maya43 does. Some might actually prefer you to leave the room. (Probably a minority of kids, but there are all types.) What I described above works wonderfully for my ds, but you'll have to taylor all these suggestions to your own child. Good luck!

[Bearsmama]

ICM-We've been having some major issues with our 2.8 yo in this department. These tantrums don't happen every day, but when they happen I, too, am wondering how to strike a good balance between going about my business and being "there" for him.

When DS is tantruming or otherwise acting a bit "out of control" (hitting, etc) I've lately been trying to get down on his level, try to look in his eyes and say, " I hear how upset you are...yadda, yadda yadda". And if it goes on for awhile, I do leave the room, but continue to check in with him and make sure he knows that I am there for him. I keep asking him if he's ready for mommy to help him. Most times he says NO, but sometimes just with his body language I can tell that I can move closer to him and maybe even hold him.

I understand what you say about your DD not even wanting you to look at her. DS is mostly like this when going thru something like this and only toward the end of whatever it is will he move toward me or let me hold him.

[famousmockngbrd]

I just sit on the floor a few feet away with my hands in my lap and wait neutrally for it to be over. Sometimes I leave the room, but I come back in a minute and check on him. If he gets agitated when I reappear, I leave again, and if he seems to want me around, I stay.

I try not to get emotionally invested in his tantrums. I don't want to appear cold, like you said, either - I try to maintain contact by periodically asking him if he wants a drink, wants to cuddle, etc. Sometimes I even try that Happiest Toddler on the Block thing - I'll pound my fists on the floor and say, "Cole is so angry! No socks!" Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just seems to enrage him more.

[asherah]

I am pretty empathetic..
I do try to validate his feelings.. unless my talking makes him more agitated.
If it does, I tell him I am right there if he wants me... and I just stay nearby and let him be.

Generally he will come get hugs and snuggles pretty quickly.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Thanks, everyone. I think part of the problem I was having with receiving the advice that I stay with my child is that I don't really consider doing other things like the dishes, reading or zoning off really is staying with my child.

Originally Posted by Bearsmama

...I, too, am wondering how to strike a good balance between going about my business and being "there" for him.

Yea, you know what I mean. Thanks. I think I just needed to hear that this is difficult for others because I find it to be the most challenging thing.

It's like I kept hearing that I need to be there for her but I wasn't getting the perspective that 'there' means different things to different people.

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

I try not to get emotionally invested in his tantrums. I don't want to appear cold, like you said, either

Yea, this is the issue because I'm pretty sure that I read that getting too emotionally upset is problematic (and even if I didn't read it I can say that it wouldn’t be good for my child). I also read in 'How to Talk...' that being too proportionally distanced is frustrating for children as well. Like me sitting there flipping through a magazine or dusting while DC is freaking out ~ it just feels rude and insensitive.

Originally Posted by Bearsmama

...I hear how upset you are...yadda, yadda yadda".

Thanks for the GD advice laugh...I needed it!