Spinoff: Did anyone "hate" you for having an "easy" pregnancy?

[carlasher]

The weight topic have me thinking about this.

I am almost 20 weeks pregnant. I only had 3 cases of morning sickness, hardly any pain in the pregnancy at all so far. I eat very well, exercise, but haven’t gained any weight (not by choice); and I have a nice round belly. No heartburn or anything like that. I did have some bleeding that scared me half to death and I got checked out (everything is fine) and some problems sleeping currently and that is it so far.

Some people get upset because they had it really hard early on with morning sickness, rapid weight gain, pain, and so on and make snaky comments about how easy I have it.

What they don’t know is that 1. It took me 4 years to even OVULATE because of PCOS. I had been living with its symptoms and side effects for years. 2. I also have Endometriosis that causes a LOT of pain and bleeding to the point I had to keep going home from work because I was bleeding through a super tampon, pad AND my clothes at the same time. I had two LAPs to "clean" it out, etc.

Now with pregnancy, I feel wonderful because I am not experiencing hormonal imbalances associated with those conditions. Though I am "only" 25, I felt I have had YEARS with being "uncomfortable"...well since I started having periods at 12. (it is only though NFL that I am pregnant in the first place). Since I am only 20 weeks, things can change overnight anyway.

So what do I say to these people? I sympathize with what they are going though and offer support where I can, but the comments do hurt.

[gottaknit]

It's funny how you just can't win either way, isn't it? If you complain about symptoms, you're a big whiny baby; and if you don't have symptoms worth complaining about, you're a braggart or something.

I'd consider my pregnancy inconveniences to be about average. Morning sickness the first 15 weeks (but nothing to call in sick over), more weight gain than I'd hoped (but you can't eat like a pig and not expect that! ), and sure now I'm 39 weeks and tired, cranky, and sore. But I would never make snarky comments to someone with a "perfect" pregnancy! At least, I hope I wouldn't!

I guess pregnant women get so much crap from non-pregnant people about how they look, what they eat, how much they've gained/not gained.... that sometimes the temptation to make insensitive comments to other pregnant women is just too much to resist...

Just remember that they're hormonal and sensitive, too, and say all sorts of things without realizing that it's hurtful. Sometimes I can't believe the bitchy things I say to my DH. It's like I have no filter when I'm pregnant. I guess just try not to take it personally when people are jealous of you. And when they complain about their symptoms, just smile and nod. No need to advertise that you're not in the same boat. It's unfair to you, but then life is unfair.

OK this reply is probably totally unhelpful, but I'm trying.

[darsmama]

I second what Nancy says...There is just no happy medium with people and pregnant women.
This is a little different then what you are experiancing, but I became the target of two women who had suffered m/c 1 year 1/2, & 6 months prior to my becoming pregnant. Whenever I got around them I heard critisicm consistantly on what I ate, my downfalls as a person & how that would effect my kid etc. Very negative people.
I had horrible head aches for the first trim. & had morning sickness until about 20 weeks (I think it was) so if I would just give the slightest indication that this pregnancy was making me feel a little under the weather I got my butt jumped..

I understand the psychology of why, but they were a total drain on my pregnancy, my emotions (making me feel guilty etc) & were of no support at all .
I highly recommend if you are around these kind of people making you feel bad for what they percieve to be an 'easy' pregnancy, to ditch 'em. It isn't worth fretting about during this wonderful time of your life!!!!

[2+twins]

I've had pretty easy pregnancies too but did have my share of unpleasantness with miscarriages and fertility problems before and in-between them. So I think I kind of feel your pain. I think you could say something like, "I guess I'm lucky like that" and leave it at that. Like you said, only you know the truth about all the crap you've already gone through prior to this. I think it's great that you're getting a rather nice break from it all. If it's someone you know real well and want to get into it more with then I think that would be fine, but for most ignorant people you run into, I'd just let it slide. Good luck and congrats on having a wonderful pregnancy!

[momsgotmilk4two]

No, no one hated me for having easy pregnancies. The people I know who had rough pregnancies would not wish that kind of thing on their friends. I always feel bad when someone is having a rough pregnancy and try to help them as much as I can, but I've never felt like someone begrudged me an easy pregnancy.

Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy mamma!

[Ravenmoon]

Actually i just have people get upset when i tell them how easy and wonderful my homebirths were and then they give birth and it is super painful and no where near as easy as i said mine were.My best friend ended up in an emergency C section and was never able to nurse.She was very upset that my delivery and nursing were so easy.She still loves me though.Now i know to tell everyone that delivery is different for everyone and just because i had an easy time it does not mean theirs will be.My pregnancies are fairly easy but i do have a few discomforts here and there.

[mezzaluna]

i haven't gotten that kind of overt snarkyness, but i do find it strange that when people ask me how i'm doing and i say "great" they expect to hear more and aren't satisfied until i throw them a tidbit about some difficulty or other. so i just throw them a bone...mention my moderate morning sickness (that only lasted 5 weeks) or talk about something vague like getting out of breath after meals or my lower back hurting when i do dishes. then they can cluck over me...especially if they're moms themselves it's like some kind of secret handshake to admit some complaint!

[gottaknit]

Originally Posted by KatienDwayne

I understand the psychology of why, but they were a total drain on my pregnancy, my emotions (making me feel guilty etc) & were of no support at all .
I highly recommend if you are around these kind of people making you feel bad for what they percieve to be an 'easy' pregnancy, to ditch 'em. It isn't worth fretting about during this wonderful time of your life!!!!

I completely agree with this. Avoiding negative people is really important when you're pregnant. Either you start to think negative along with them, or you feel guilty for having it good.

I have a sister who is having a really hard time with me being pregnant, due to her being much older and not in a stable relationship, and still child-free at almost 40. Instead of addressing the real issue, she chooses to make snarky comments and criticisms about my decisions. ("Homebirth is barbaric." "Co-sleeping causes SIDS." etc.) When she does this I just avoid her until she can be nice. Usually after a week or so she feels guilty about being a b*tch, and asks me out for lunch. (These visits usually involve guilt-induced presents for the baby, too, which doesn't bother me one bit. )

[Patchfire]

I don't get it for my pregnancy being 'too easy,' but I did with dd's birth. Even now, when people ask me my plans for this birth, and I tell them we're having a homebirth, they just love to trot out the the 'well, you just have easy births, and if you had X, then...' Mm-hmm, thanks. (Adjacent to this, of course, is how do they know what their labour/birth was really like compared to mine? They don't.)

People like to complain. People that like to complain don't like it when someone else doesn't complain. That's my theory. *shrug*

[eilonwy]

During my first pregnancy, I was really really angry with my mother and sister because their pregnancies were so easy by comparison and mine was horrific and difficult and more work than I ever could have imagined.

My second pregnancy was super easy, but noone said anything to me except along the lines of "you deserve it, the first was so awful," or "I hope your labor is that easy, too." I suppose that because I went through a difficult pregnancy, nobody felt the need to rub it in that I was having an easy one.

[philomom]

Yes. I am not sick on stomach, gain a modest 22 pounds each time and have glorious uncomplicated unmedicated births. Some folks really have a nasty look on their faces when I tell my stories with a smile.

[CarrieMF]

I don't get many comments but I get the evil eye alot.

Because of my large chest I don't show very much. At 38weeks with my 2nd I was asked if I was pg, when I told her when I was due she was shocked. When I showed up for the playschool meeting 3 weeks later with a 7 day old baby most of the ladies didn't know I had even been pg.

WIth my first you would have never known I was pg. I never got bh's until I was 38weeks and I didn't even realize it was bh's. When I was in labour I didn't think I was because it didn't hurt enough(it did 6 hours later when she was born,lol). I never had the ring of fire but I had an unwanted episiotomy so I was numbed. I got alot of dirty looks for the not feeling the ring of fire. I eventually started telling them, it's not my fault you had it and I didn't.

I then had 2 mc's. At that time my now ex-friend got pg by her own stupidity. The whole time she was pg she did nothing but bitch and moan about her life. I had the 2nd mc 6 weeks before she was due. While I was still in the hospital she came in there to see me but made it all about her, how my mc affected her, how it scared her. For the next 7 weeks she phoned me 3-4 times a day to bitch about her pregnancy. She went 1 week overdue and I spent the whole week laughing at her to her face. She was in early labour with contractions and her dr refused to induce her. Due to how she had treated me over the last 6 weeks I felt she deserved it.

Because of how she was to me I vowed to never be like her. With my next 2 pg's they had various problems, mostly alot of what was supposed to be restricted duties/bed rest which I would follow if things go going too far. I never once complained, I would give someone a quick 2sentence recap of what the latest was and move on.

I'm not a person who gets MS either. It took my dr 5 pregnancies to believe me. People do get pissed about that so I remind them that ony 50% of the pregnant women ever get MS, then if they're pg and still dealing with it I offer solutions that may help. If they are not pg I'll ask them what they tried.

There are some people who will be pissed and complain just for the sake of complaining(like my ex-friend) then there are others who are pissed because they may think you're rubbing it in(whether you are or not) and there are those who don't realize that not everyone gets the same symptoms.

[gottaknit]

I've been thinking about this question more, and I have to confess there was one time I was really bitchy to another pregnant woman. It popped into my mind after reading CarrieMF's post. (No, I'm not her ex-friend! )

When I had morning sickness (it wasn't that bad but vomiting is never pleasant) another pregnant woman told me that MS is entirely a western construct and that women in the third world never experience morning sickness; they don't even know it exists. Her reasoning was that I had morning sickness because I expected to have it, and that I expected to have it because I view my pregnancy as an illness.

I thought this was highly presumptuous coming from a person I didn't even know. Especially considering that I am planning for a homebirth with a midwife, will breastfeed, not circ, co-sleep, CD... the AP works. It's not like I was at the hospital every day asking for ultrasounds or something.

Anyway I told her she was full of sh*t and to keep her wacko opinions to herself. I'm sure this is probably what a lot of people have wanted to tell me about some of my "wacko" ideas! :LOL

[Mama J Rock]

I never really got any comments about my easy pregnancies but my last two labors were very quick. After my last one, I got several comments about how it must be nice of have such easy labors. I was sure to point out that fast doesn't mean easy (although in the world of birth I suppose you could say mine were easy since I didn't have any interventions of complications). Most people ususally sputtered a little "...oh well I didn't mean easy but..."

I think you have to look at the source of the comment and take it with a grain of salt. There's an underlying insecurity speaking there and whether it's intentional or not you have to let it roll, otherwise it will eat you up.

Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy!

[idocrase]

I had a pregnancy that was more difficult that most of my friends - terrible nausea and vomiting (hooray for zofran or I'd have spent all my time in the clinic, getting re-hydrated with an IV...), nasty pubic bone pain, and several other problems. That said, I hope every woman who has an "easy" pregnancy and can truly enjoy this unique phase of her life should do so!! Congratulations! I'm happy that not everyone has pregnancies like mine, or there would be many fewer babies....

[mamalisa]

I had a totally easy pregnancy. I only got sick 3 times ever and was rarely uncomfortable. My only real problem was my utter exhaustion. That was mostly because I inisisted on keeping the work/life pace I had before pg. I try not to tell people about how eay it was because I have had very mean things said to me about it.

I have a friend who is pg with twins right now and she's sick as a dog. All I do is offer sympathy, because the last thing she needs to hear about is how easy it was for me

[homebirthing]

I would have to say that it is pure jealousy and jesting in which I say to my friend that "I hate them!!". I love them and I wouldn't wish my pregnancies on anyone. I have had hyperemesis 2 out of 3 times and it is awful. Terrible. I can't even begin to describe it. So, if it makes me happy to jest with them and they know that I am not serious, I am happy that they let me do it.

As for labors:

First was 4.5 hours long start to finish
Second was 1/5 hours

Third was a whole day!!! Ouch!

[KatherineinCA]

As hard as my pregnancies, labors, births, and recoveries have been, I am genuinely happy for other women who have easy pregnancies and/or births. I usually say, "Oh, I'm so glad for you, that's how it's supposed to be."

A simple response could be, "Yes, I'm so grateful." That's what I say about the one aspect of my childbearing that has been easy--producing plenty of milk--when I meet women for whom breastfeeding is a struggle.

[charmander]

I never volunteer info about my pregnancies/births because I am afraid of negative comments, and I don't want to seem smug, but since you asked.....

I never had a single day of morning sickness with both my pregnancies- and had an 8 hr labor with my son, and a 1 hr labor with my second. I'm also really proud that both births were drug free. (Now I did have breastfeeding difficulties, but that is a whole other story)

I don't know what to say to somebody, other than "All pregnancies are differerent." How nice for you that you are having an easy time.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Well, my pregnancies weren't super-easy. Had all-day sickness for the first trimester both times and had some kidney stones the first time. I have been hesitant to tell my labor stories though because they were so easy and relatively painless. Really. With dd, I had an hour and twenty minute labor with 20 minutes of pushing. With ds, my labor was 4 hours but my contractions never even got remotely painful or close together. About 5-8 minutes apart the whole time. I pushed for about a 1/2 hour with him and did have some intense burning when his head crowned, but that wasn't too bad. People seem to be more amazed than mad, but I have been given the evil eye when talking about my births.