DD is a boy

[GoldBerry]

Hi everyone- hoping you all may have some insight on this.

My DD is 4 years old and for over a year she has been constantly pretending she is a boy. "Call me John" and "I'm a boy" are things she says everyday. I decided it was best not to make a big deal about this so I play along but I tell her,"You can pretend to be a boy, but you are a girl." Her Dad and I talk to her about why it's great to be a girl and I often get books with strong girl characters. She is very macho- likes fighting and guns even though these are things we do not allow at our home. This started right about when she went to preschool.

Over all she is a loving and very bright girl, but I do sometimes worry about this. Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks!

[homemademomma]

no experience w/this, but maybe she does identify more as a male? she is young and figuring herself out. i wouldnt make any sort of big deal out of it- just follow her lead- if she wants to be called john, why not? i know it can be hard to let go of the stereotypes about gender roles, but you should look into learning more about the fluidity of gender.



you should post this in queer parenting too- you might get some good advice.


good luck!

[BusyMommy]

Who gets noticed the most at school; ie. are there some really energetic & popular boys there? Are the boys getting in trouble a lot more than the girls; ie. lots of attention?

I'd see if you could volunteer some time in the classroom and just observe the dynamics. Maybe she doesn't enjoy the activities her girlfriends do and likes the energy and of the boys' games. I'd suggest you look for a really cool, active, girl and let them go climb trees and tear around together.

eta: I'm not implying that there are any gender differences btw the games they play, etc., just that perhaps the kids in her class play differently.

[LoveBeads]

My DD did this for over a year. She is definitely a tomboy but not really into guns or fighting - more into tools and imagination and shuns dolls. She used to tell me to call her "Ethan" (the name of her best friend).

She has eventually grown out of it, now she likes "girlier" things but she is not a girly-girl, if you know what I mean. She is definitely more feminine then she used to be but she is not into the Princess thing or dolls, she does wear dresses though!

I never opposed her when she was going through it, just played along with her. She was pretty persistent for a year but I just went along with whatever she wanted.

[srain]

Well, my son spent almost a year claiming he was a duckling, and threw fits if we called him by his name rather than "baby duckling," and when he felt nervous would only say "peep" as a defense mechanism-

but I guess that's kind of different.

[GoldBerry]

DD sense of self!

Thanks for all of your thoughts! I'm brand new to posting but I love that I can come here to see what other Moms have experienced!

There are some dynamic, slightly wild boys at her preschool that have her attention. I can handle the 'boy' thing- I like boys!- it's the fighting/weapon thing that drives me nuts. How can a peace loving mama play with her warrior daughter? Maybe a topic for another thread!

Thanks again!

[BusyMommy]

We have an all-boy playgroup and they went through the stick fighting phase. Soooo annoying at the time, but we just kept redirecting them; ie. point it down not at people, etc. And, now...it's over!

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Salvia

it's the fighting/weapon thing that drives me nuts. How can a peace loving mama play with her warrior daughter?

Two words: Playful Parenting

Excellent book with lots of information in particular about warrior/aggressive/violent play and how it pertains to learning, etc.. I imagine some things to ease your mind and also ways in which you can connect with your DD through her means of play. I HIGHLY recommend this book to you!

Incidentally, we are experiencing the same thing in reverse here. DS is HUGE on role play, and dressing up like girls is high on the priority list. He tends to target people we know--although Cinderella is a fav also)--usually slightly older girls whom he has spent time with and enjoyed their company (his cousin, my sisters friend's daughter). He becomes quite deeply entrenched in his "characters." So much so that some days I'd swear I have a daughter instead of a son.

Pretty cute actually. The daughter I never had, for as long as it lasts.

The best,
Em

[wild1forever]

I would agree, don't read too much into it. My 5-year-old son spent considerable months telling me he was "a beautiful princess." We just let him be.

I think you are handling the situation perfectly. IMHO, trying to extinguish behaviors such as these just create a sense of shame in the kid, when they are actually just experimenting with different sides of themselves. It is so cool that she can talk to you about her thoughts! Holy moley, I could never talk with my parents about anything at all. It's great that you are in tune with her.

I think my son just thought bracelets and jewelry were cool and pretty; that's where the "princess" stuff came from. Nothing wrong with being in touch with his feminine side; correspondingly, there's nothing wrong with your daughter being in touch with her masculine side!

[bebe luna]

My soon-to-be 4 yo ds loves to say he is 8 years old and he's a girl

He started to say he's a girl after we had a roommate for a while who had a little girl he became friends with...

He'll tell me often he's a girl and also that he wants to be a mommy when he grows up.

He loves Strawberry Shortcake and Barbie (both favorites of the little girl who lived w/ us)... and will tell you his favorite color is pink (just like she would have)...

yet he loves trucks and getting dirty and wearing boots and baseball hats... very much the typical little boy.

Sometimes I think he says things abt being a girl just to be contradictory.
Example: I'll say "you're such a big boy now" and he'll say "I am not a boy, I am a girl!!"

I don't argue. I figure he'll outgrow it... or maybe he won't. Maybe he truly is a girl in a boys body, and I will love him all the same because he is my beloved child

[sevenkids]

I was a boy! from the time I was 7-8, I was a boy named Karl.
I cut my hair in a whiffle, too.
My mom is a saint, I swear. She just let me be, and I forgot about being a boy about the same time..........................
I discovered Barbie had waaaaay more fun, in the back of the camper, with Ken as her sex-slave.

[Parthenia]

DD is 5 here and she likes to say she's a boy, too. She won't wear dresses, which kinda stinks since she has many winter dresses that will still fit her!
But for Halloween she wants to be a knight. I asked if maybe she'd like to be Joan of Arc. (She has a Joan of Arc action figure--actually it's mine, but that's another story) No she wants to be a knight.
I haven't seen her do it in a couple of weeks, but dd also pees standing up.

[GoldBerry]

Princess Knight

Thanks to all- I love it! My DD also can pee standing up- it's quite impressive!

We were given a fun book "The Princess Knight" by Cornelia Funke- it's fun but the mom does die(why does this happen so often in fairy tales?).

I'm going to re-read Plauful Parenting- it's been awhile. I'm pretty sure that being playful will be the only way to stay sane! My DD loves to be contradictory, so I think that is part of it.

Happily I have a 4 month old DD that can wear all the great dresses that their great grandmother made for them!

Via la strong girls!

[saritabeth]

I remember going through this myself. I too could pee standing up and I loved to pretend that I was a cop on "Chips" . I think pretend play is all normal. I also went through a phase of having my mom call me by boy names....then again I also tried to elope at age 4 too....My mom had to tell me it was against the law after several hours of me packing bags and carrying on that i **really** was getting married. Ah the drama!

have fun!

[OakEmber]

My DD is a boy too. It's been going on for at least a year and a half (she will be 4 in a couple weeks). It can be quite annoying when like now, we are down to very slim pickings for pants that fit and the selection is made even slimmer by her refusal to wear "girl pants" :LOL

But now that she is getting older, I can tell that she just LOVES boys, almost the worrisome type of flirty, dreamy look in her eyes when she says "Mom, that boy over there is really nice". She LOVES Peter Pan, and so we got her a costume so she could be him. She has 3 imaginary friends that are all boys (one she's had since she was barely 18 months old I swear).

Anyway, no advice or anything...just wanted to let you that you aren't alone.

[Red]

My twins were born with severe speech problems. One of the first things they managed to tell me was that they were boys named Mike and John. This gave me a start as I had been SURE I was having twin boys. And we were going to name one Mike. Also, both my father and fFIL had died shortly before I got pregnant, there names were John and Milton. Hmm.

I was freaked, then adjusted. Told em they could be whoever they wanted, but I was calling them Nik and Liz.

They started kindergarten,m 1st grade and the school physc called me for a meeting ab0out their educational problems. While we were there, all the teachers and the principal, she started to discuss their being boys and that maybe they were lesbins.

Well, maybe. Maybe not. I don't much care, but that was a leap, from imaginary play to sexual preference. If they make believe they're princesses, are they?

At 14 they'd wear a dress to a funeral, if they had to, or a wedding. They never wore and girlie clothes, just jeans and t-shirts. They are among the most popular kids in their class, like boys and are 'A' students. They laugh about being John and Mike.

My kids started this well before preschool. They have two older sisters and a STRONG mother. We read loads of strong women books.

And as a kid, I longed to be a boy, to be a cowboy, actually.


Don't worry, it's just them working out roles and figuring out theirs.

[calpurnia]

Really, really don't worry about it, especially at such a young age. I remember very clearly wanting to be a boy from the ages of 4 to 7 ish - I looked like a boy anyway, because my mum didn't dress me in girls' clothes, & I had short hair. I asked my family to call me James (the name of a boy I'd met on holiday). I don't remember when I stopped wanting to be a boy, but I remember when I stopped telling my family that I wanted to be a boy - it was because my dad said to me very sadly that he had always wanted a girl & he had been so happy when I was born & he wanted me to stay a girl.And I suppose the feelings fizzled out at some point after that.

I did have gender confusion issues as I got older - in my pre & early teens, but my parents sent me to an all girls school & it all got figured out. But that stemmed much much more from the female models in my life, who were not "feminine", so coupled with the fact that my brothers, cousins & friends were predominantly male meant I didn't really know much about "being a girl".

[prmom]

This is so great to read! My ds who is 3 always puts burp cloths or prefolds on his head and tells everyone he is a girl. He will have these conversations with imaginary friends while in the character of a girl. I have very short hair so this always amuses me that he needs to have long hair to be a girl. I am not worried and feel it is liberating for him to play how he wants. Although my parents and others raise their brow at some of this play. Recently ds1 has gotten into wearing lipstick (something I rarely wear). My mom made a comment like "I draw the line with makeup". Ugh! Sometimes though if enough people make enough comments I start to wonder if I should be concerned. I appreciate these posts and continue to appreciate my ds's imaginative play.

Oh yeah and he tells us to call him "Erica"

[GoldBerry]

All great thoughts! It is very important and often hard for me to remember that what my DD does is about her development and not about me. Her being a boy is a great way for her to explore her amazing mind, not a way to reject all things feminine( and thus me). I think it is a way for her to explore her power.

Thanks for all of your stories- Calpurnia's and Red's were esp. interesting. One day when DD and I were in the check out line at the store, the lady behind us admired dd's sporty, non-frilly clothes. She said,"Good! She'll be in the Olympics instead of the mall!" Well, that was extreme and unfair to frilly girls, but it was a good example to me of how to look on the bright side.

Salvia

P.s. I have been reading Playful Parenting and trying it out a bit. DD esp. likes to wrestle which I never have enjoyed. Using tips from the book, we had several very fun wrestling sessions yesterday!