Unwelcome guests??

[mamasboys4me]

okay you guys, I know you have had them. The guests that come to your house AFTER the baby is born and DO NOTHING! They kinda wait to be entertained. I live 4 hours away from family now, so I shouldn't have that problem. BUT my mom wants to come. I thought my dh was going to be working more, and my friend would come down and be here (b/c she would really help out). But change of plans and my dh will actually be able to take off a week. If I have some help the first days, I think I'll be okay. If my mom finds out that my friend isn't coming, she'll want to come. I don't want her to come, b/c we'd have to pay her gas, if her truck broke down, etc. AND she doesn't cook or clean. With my other kids she was there, but did NOTHING. If someone comes to my house after my babe is born, I don't want to be an entertainer. I want someone to help clean, cook, and watch my kids. Otherwise, it is just one extra person. kwim?

Now, I'm not shy about telling my mother anything, but I don't want to come off like a super B.

Anyone else have an unwelcome guest plan? lol

[Mama Bee]

I'm in the same boat with my MIL. She came after DS was born and was completely unhelpful. We're having a homebirth this time around, which she is totally unsupportive of, yet she wants to be there!!! (Can you say, complete nightmare!!!) We're not due until late May/early June so for now I just keep saying, "It's too early to make any plans yet... we'll see, etc". I think, though, this might be one time when we're both completely justified in being a big B. I know I'm going to hear a lot from DH's grandparents about how much MIL wants to be there, etc. I intend to tell them all, MIL included (eventually)... You know what? This isn't about her or what she wants. This is about me and what I need. I'm the one who is going to be working hard to get this baby out and I'm the one that gets to decide who comes and who doesn't. I can't worry about hurting feelings, what I have to concentrate on is delivering a healthy baby from a healthy Mama. Period.

I, too, hate to be so blunt and hurt her feelings. OTOH, I'm desperately afraid my body just wouldn't work if she were here making a pest of herself. And I certainly don't need the stress of her refusing to take care of my family after the baby is born. I just believe the right thing to do this time is be completely selfish, kwim?

[BabyOsMommy]

I have grandparents who will undoubtedly show up and drive me crazy for hours before they leave. At least I'm not talking more than an afternoon... but I am going to have dh make sure that he suggests my napping or something after about an hour. I want them to meet their great grandson, but with ds#1 they showed up at the hospital on day #2 and sat there for like 3 hours when I needed to nap... and dh was home napping at the time so I had no back up. This time I'll be home hopefully after 4hours so we'll put the call out when WE are ready for visitors. I'm having dh remind everyone to call first before they come (and then I'm going to turn the ringer off and a/m down low when we're sleeping so we can screen calls )

As far as those who want to come and stay with you, I'd be nothing but brutally honest. I would not be able to handle people staying with me through all that and not doing anything.

[momsmyjob]

I haven't told anyone I'm doing a HB so hopefully that keeps them away

[TalkToMeNow]

My mom is one of those who doesn't cook or clean, either. Last time, she came over and offered to hold the baby while I got some stuff done. Then, she asked me to bring her a foot stool and a glass of water. This was 2 days after I gave birth!!!! I've told everyone that we don't want any visitors for the first 2-3 days. We just want to bond as a family. When the baby is born, we will only tell my parents and my mother in law. And they must be sworn to secrecy! Everyone else will be told when we are good and ready! Ever notice how its the people you hardly see who want to rush right over after you have the baby?

Good luck to everyone trying to keep unhelpful family away!

[canadiyank]

I feel so much more prepared this time as far as this. Last time we had some friends stop by and they kept staying, and staying, and then finally the wife told her dh to go get their ds's port-a-crib to set up and I started freaking out...I said, "Well, before you go to all that trouble..." and basically told them I was tired. My dh was gone but mom was there and she didn't know what to say, either. I couldn't believe we had to chase them out. Someone suggested limiting visits to 20 mins. and that sounds good to me! We had WAY too many people visit and I got just exhausted. Fortunately dh will be able to get a couple weeks off work so I am going to get him to be my screen and I am going to nap when I feel like it! So THERE! My mom was not very helpful, either, but she did cook which was awesome. She mostly sat and quilted and made me feel guilty for not writing birth announcements and thank yous. This time I'm sleeping - did I mention that? My dad came later when I had bad PPD and he is awesome to have around - cooks, cleans, shovels snow, does errands, etc. He'd probably come down before mom did this time b/c he's retired now and then they wouldn't lose any income b/c mom wouldn't have to take time off. I am not going to be afraid to limit visits this time!

[eleven]

YOU would have to pay for HER gas?!?!

We live pretty out of the way of most friends/family - at least an hour - so I'm sure we won't be too bothered. Our pediatrician told us not to open the door unless the person knocking is holding a casserole. :LOL

My inlaws will be coming to stay for a couple of weeks from overseas. They might get on my nerves, but they're the type of people who must always be busy, so I'm sure the house will be clean and we'll be well fed.

[mamasboys4me]

Our pediatrician told us not to open the door unless the person knocking is holding a casserole.

that is a good idea!!!

[BabyOsMommy]

And I got this from another thread that I'm too lazy to quote, we must be reminded to stay in our Pyjamas for visitors... if we're in our pj's no one will expect anything from us, but if we're dressed, they'll expect entertainment. I'm getting new pj's, using this as an excuse..."Honey, I have to have pj's that are good enough to receive visitors in ". I just love new pyjamas.

I'm also making a sign for my door that says "Mama, baby and toddler are sleeping..." to ward off the countless solicitations we receive every day.

[indiegirl]

Girlfriends, you have to get hard core about your visitors. It's perfectly okay to tell folks that you are limiting visits to no more than a half-hour, that their ticket through the door is a meal that can be frozen or eaten right away, and the job of any overnight guest. For instance, I have invited my aunt. Her job is to clean my house and cook. I told her this. "I need you here to clean my house and cook after the baby is born. Can you do that?" She was so happy to have me ask her that she can't wait. I figure that anyone who is at the birth or at my home after the birth is there for one reason: to help out. You gotta make your expectations known--and it doesn't have to be in a mean way--just say it like it is.

People expect that kind of thing--and if they don't, they need to be taught better manners, lol.

Jesse

[Seeking Refuge]

I agree with Jesse. You guys have the ultimate power in the situation, just don't call them. I have no intention of calling my family until the baby is a few days old. My mother-in-law who will be endless amounts of help is coming and the rest of my family would just be in the way and frankly I am concerned about how they would treat my midwives and my friends so only supportive AP friendly folk are even allowed to step foot in my home until I feel like calling them.