Separation Anxiety at 3 years?

[Jessviola]

Do 3yos go through a stage of separation anxiety?

Lately any time dh or I leave the house without dd, she gets extremely upset and clings to whoever is leaving and cries for more hugs and kisses and tells us to hug and kiss each other several times, etc. She gets genuinely upset and really worked up. It kind of scares me sometimes because she acts like she knows she'll never see us again or something.

Has anybody else been through this? Any suggestions for making our departure more gentle on her? I don't want to sneak out without saying goodbye but dh has done that a couple times and she was ok when she realized he wasn't there.

[Kleine Hexe]

My 3 yr old will get upset at times during separation as well. Sometimes he'll flat out scream. He is terrified and gets very upset with the Disney movie Nemo when Nemo is separated from his father. Anything in books or on TV that depicts separation scares him. I don't think we have the only two kids in the world to go through this.

I have found that he does tons better when I don't say goodbye. I feel awful and deceptive when I do it but it works. It does not seem to upset him any. He will just go about his business without fuss and ask when I'm (or hubby) coming back. No fuss or crying. He is happier that way so that's how I do it for now.

Good luck!

[mountain]

Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

I have found that he does tons better when I don't say goodbye. I feel awful and deceptive when I do it but it works. It does not seem to upset him any. He will just go about his business without fuss and ask when I'm (or hubby) coming back. No fuss or crying. He is happier that way so that's how I do it for now.

Good luck!

I totally get this. it is so hard to leave, b/c they do not have any conception of time, of you coming back.

i work at a parent co-op preschool & this is the hardest thing we see!

I don't know if you've ever seen Erik Erikson's work, but what your child is experiencing is described in the stages of development he's outlined. He's pretty old school psych, but I see these stages come out as I get older. Anyway, the stage they're in now is "Trust v. Distrust". They need to learn that you WILL come back, that they CAN trust you. If they have the learning experience that they CAN trust you, they progress to the next stage. If not, they get stuck on trust issues, and you'll see it manifest in all areas of their lives.

I am truly hoping you don't take this personally Kleine, I know it is such a hard issue, but I have seen parents "sneaking out" to be so much harder than a goodbye. Children cannot begin to get over the loss if they do not know you are gone. If you sneak out, they miss out on the ritual of goodbye, and I have seen the most despairing of preschoolers looking for their mothers 15 minutes later. They don't get "I'll be back for you", or the sealing kisses goodbye.

I don't do the teary goodbye thing with my 3 yo. I play with her until she feels safe & comfortable, however long it takes, and then say something like "I'm going to go work at the restaurant (clean the house, etc--whatever they do NOT like to do). Would you like to come do boring stuff with me, or would you like to stay here with your friend (with Dad, etc) and play?". She will choose to stay and play, every time so far. This may change, and then I'll have to find something different!

My long & rambling point being: they are only young for a little bit of time. OK. I don't have a point. I hope you can decide the most gentle way to teach your child you are trustworthy, and they can rely on you to always come back. It is such a huge issue for all children, just by asking you are caring... in you mamas

[Copper]

My dd went through the separatin anxiety from 3 to 3.5 she is now a bit past 3.5. It was really rough, kind of hard to understand where it came from I am home with her, she has never had a babysitter and so on. Even when I went to walk the dog without her and dh she would have a problem with it (this was my time alone with dear dog for 20 minutes a couple times a week). I always said goodbye, and mommy will be back in "x-amount of time", see you and daddy can watch the clock I will be back in half an hour. Fast forward to the present-she is fine, she is great. She even will let me drop her off at MILs house for a "baking session"-her only requirement is that *I* pick her up and drop her off, she refuses to let MIL drive her home (15 minute drive one way). I don't mind; I also always tell her to have grandma help her call me when she wants to come home. She will now stay up to 2 hours at MIL and have lunch as well.
This break once a week or every other week has been great, plus it has helped us practice dropping her off; me leaving and always coming to get her.
A few weeks ago she started a program at the local high school where 3 x a week they go for an hour and a half to this program with the teenagers and they play games, learn, have a snack, free play, do a craft. I was a bit concerned as to how things would go. To my mild shock/surprise. NO tears. She loves it. She THANKED me for taking her. I think for now we are over the separation anxiety....now the slight attitude she is starting....
Her program only lasts a few more weeks; I think it is 6 weeks total and because it is so short and three days a week I think it has helped. Also a while back I was having a problem with her at her tap dance lesson with her not wanting to dance...go figure she is out there dancing her little heart out.
Sorry this is a book, but surely there is a light at the end of the tunnel!