he went to bed hungry last night!

[a~...Mamacitaa~...]

Ok, I am going nuts. I have a 4.5 year old that refused to eat last night. Let me set this up for you. We are getting into a heathier way of eating. DS is used to me making him other things if he doesn't like what we are having. and it is usually a corn dog or P.B&J. Well DH abd I decided not to do this anymore, It is taking away as a family cuz i end up making to different meal and it is getting costly. So i made a great dinner last night,Steak, noddles and snap peas. He refused to eat. So i told him that if he was not going to eat, he needed to stand in the corner until i was done and then bath and bed. And that's want happened. Help me out mama's am i doing the right thing?? I know i shopuld have prevented this a long time ago. Have i created a picky monster??

[srain]

Some people are okay with making an alternative, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it's not something I'm willing to do either. I wouldn't have sent him off if he refused to eat, though; when my son doesn't eat, I say fine, and know that if he's hungry enough he'll dig in. (We'll leave his dinner out for the two-ish hours until bedtime so it's available.) Why did you send him to the corner while you were eating, instead of just having him join in the conversation at the dinner table?

[Butter]

I do pretty much as the pp does. They need to eat whatever I serve. I always make sure there is something to eat that they like and thankfully my kids are not picky. If they decide they aren't going to eat at all, they stay at the table and talk with us. I never punish them for not eating. It really is their choice. I mean sometimes I'm not in the mood to eat at a meal time and will just pick or sit talking and not eating anything myself. If they choose not to eat their dinner it sits on the table and occasionally they will come and eat some time before bedtime or eat it for their bedtime snack. If they still choose not to eat at snack time, it's no big deal. I figure they'll eat when they're hungry.

[Pigpen]

My boys are picky eaters too. We wont make two meals, but provide a variety so hopefully they'll eat at least some of what we have. We'll also leave their dinner on the table for a while in case they decide to nibble. I think kids are smart enough to figure out the natural consequence of not eating is being hungry (not really standing in a corner, KWIM?). With younger kids I would help them to identify that feeling in their gut that makes them cranky? That's HUNGER! I commend you on your decision to make healthy meals. Stick to it, your son will eventually get on board.

[Red]

Well, you're probably figuring this out now, but...

Having him stand in the corner is just setting this up as a power struggle. You want him to eat, badly enough to punish him if he doesn't.

Instead, I'd just eat. He wouldn't have to sit at the table, but when dinner is over, all the leftovers get put away. Hungry? Have an apple. For the first few weeks, you might want to make snack time a bit more nutrious. We always had bedtime snack, and if I knew someone had gone without, i'd offer PB with the apple, or cocoa and rice cakes. This way you know they aren't hungry, they're getting much needed calories, and they also get the message.

Also, my mother always had me stand in the corner for punishment. I just thought, if this wasn't the method used when you were growing up, you might want to how it made me feel. My mother was a gentle, easy going person and just wanted to find a violence free way of discipling us. But standing in the corner, back to the world, imagining that everyone is looking at you or making faces behind your back, was humiliating. I hurt that she would remove me from the action, but not allow me the pivacy of my room, to think nasty thoughts, or cry. Just thought you might want to know.

Good luck with dinner! It's hard to get the picky ones to enjoy!

[KKmama]

Sometimes it's not about the "healthy food"... sometimes they're just not hungry. (Although yes, sometimes it definitely is about the food...)

I don't like to make 2nd meals, either, and I don't, unless there are dire circumstances (eg, he's sick, or we want something really spicy). Ds1 is big for his age, and very physically active, so he generally eats really well. So if he doesn't want to eat, we generally low key things (ask him to *try* his food before he leaves the table). Sometimes he genuinely isn't hungry, and he *is* hungry later and eats then. I think as long as they're getting 1-2 good-sized meals in them per day, don't worry too much.

Lots of good advice and comments here...

[Embee]

Not as a matter of habit mind you, but I do make an alternative for DS if I know it's something DH and I love, but that DS does not. I don't think it's fair to make him eat things he doesn't like. I should mention here that DS is great about *trying* everything at least once, he is not particularly picky, and usually eats what I serve. Given that, I give him a break if I know it's something he's tried and doesn't like. PB&J, scrambled egg, something easy of course for the alternative. Sometimes DS just isn't very hungry at dinner time and I'll leave his food out for him to nibble until bedtime (7ish) Also, I do remember how much it meant to me when my mom would make me a tuna sandwich when she served Sloppy Joes. Oh, they disgusted me and she knew it, but while the rest of the family loved them, she took mercy upon me. Again, it wasn't a habit of hers, only for a certain meal, and I loved just about everything else she made so no worries.

OTOH, I totally understand and respect why many don't want "short-order cook* on the job description. Totally reasonable, indeed. If that were my view however, I wouldn't punish for not eating. I make it a habit NOT to make issues about food and should also mention that I don't punish in general. Instead, I would serve and allow him to eat or not. If he chooses not to eat, there in lies the consequence... To me, having him stand in the corner not only fuels the power struggles, it also adds punishment where none is needed. The consequence to me is quite sufficient in and of itself. KWIM?

The best and good luck!

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by Embee

To me, having him stand in the corner not only fuels the power struggles, it also adds punishment where none is needed. The consequence to me is quite sufficient in and of itself. KWIM?

ITA

[lula]

What is the purpose of standing in the corner? I think that this is a terrible message to send about food and the purpose of family dinners. I would definately avoid doing it in the future. I also don't think going to bed hungry because the dinner situation didn't turn out is such a good idea.

Ok, I get that you do not want to cook two meals, I don't either. I do let my dauther have other items though if she doesn't wany dinner and is actually hungry. I keep her snacks on the bottom shelf of the fridge and she just gets her own item, end of story. I do have her try food occasionally but I try not to have ANY fights about food. I don't punish her for eating or not eating, I don't see the rationale.

You are changing the routine so I would give him a little grace during the transition. Plus, isn't the point to get healthier food into him?

[HollyBearsMom]

My son eats what we are eating and I never make a separate meal. However I always include something that I know my son likes even if it’s just bread and butter. That way I know he will eat something. I also never offer a meal of all new foods. I also offer healthy snacks at least twice a day so if he misses (doesn't eat) one meal I know he will get something else in the next few hours.

I do have to say though that I respect my son when he says he's not hungry, I never force him to eat anything and I never reward eating with more food (ie dessert) nor punish for not eating. I think those things are a recipe ( ) for disaster.

We have family meals at least 5 nights out 7 where we all eat together. My son is expected to join us at the table (he's 3) but like I said earlier I don't force him to eat. Meals time are just as much about family as food so I don't want them to be a power struggle.

I said in another thread that I find with my son that as soon as the struggle stops the actions usually do to. This works with eating/meals times. If I don't make a big deal about it he eats when he's hungry and doesn't when he's not.

[mirlee]

We often end up making three different meals at our house. Our approach is to not make food an issue. We feel that it is more important that he eat and enjoy what he is eating. We control what he eats by offering healthy choices. The major rule is that he eats what he asks for.

This works for us. I have food allergies and can't always eat what dh wants to eat for dinner. Ds is picky and likes what he likes. We gave up getting him to try new things ages ago because it turned into a battle.

No criticism intended, but I find letting a child go to bed hungry a very cruel punishment. This would not happen in our house.

[root*children]

I think you're brave to admit this, b/c it obviously will draw alot of critisism! My son was the same way last night. I will not cook several different meals. It's just like the mama said who grew up having punishments by standing in the corner, I am married to a man who's mother cooked several different meals every night, or would only cook things that she knew the children would like. This produced about under 5 meals that DH is now willing to eat! AAGH! It drives me nuts! Seriously, I was forced to eat many a gross meal, but am SO grateful for it. I'm not picky AT ALL. I'll try anything, and usually eat the entire meal if I'm hungry. DH on the other hand will go to other people's houses and pick at his food and wait until we get home so he can make a PB&J.

So I totally know what it feels like. Also, making seperate meals I feel teaches kids to think that wasting money is O.K. with you. Well, it's not for me! We are grateful to have food on our table and the rules are if you eat with us, you try one bite of everything, and you are not allowed to disresspect the food (by words, faces, etc.) Everyone is expected to be at the table, joining the family at meal times. If you are not at the table, that means that you are sleeping or sick. So if DS refuses to come to the table, then it's bedtime. And honestly, he only reasons he's ever had for not eating is because he's so tired and needs to go to bed anyhow.

Also, we don't allow any other foods until the meal in question has been eaten. This does mean we have to be vigilant about providing accurate serving sizes (which are so tiny at this age). Otherwise, IMO, it encourages children to not eat dinner that has been cooked for them, but wait until it's off the table and find something else to eat, so what's the point of sitting with the family anyhow?

Well, I know that's not a popular opinion, but having to live with someone who was raised eating whatever he pleased, I know that it's NOT the way to go. It has infact caused many marital problems, so I'd encourage any mamas who are doing this to really think it through.

Sorry for the rant, I just sometimes feel the need to open eyes to what your child's adult life could be like.

Much love mamas

[LoveBeads]

dready*mama, I feel your pain about the DH thing! My DH is a horrible eater, picky, picky, picky!

BUT, there is a happy medium between cooking one meal and cooking a meal for each person. I cook one meal but if DD doesn't like it/want it (sometimes I do cook things that I know she doesn't like because I want it), I always offer her an easy alternative - a sandwich, an Amy's broccoli pie, etc.

I grew up this way and I also eat almost anything. I am pleased to say that DD finds eating to be an adventure and she is not the least bit picky - yes, there are things she doesn't like but she tries everything and her repertoire is quite large.

[root*children]

Thanks Lovebeads! It seems to add an extra challenge to helping your kids eat well, when DP doesn't eat well at all!

I did want to elaborate on my previous post a little, and hopefully give a little more hope to the OP. This hardly ever happens in our house. And OP, once DS learns what the rules are surrounding eating, I'm sure he'll just accept it, and eat. Sure beats going to bed hungry, right? DS went to bed w/o eating once when he was 2 or early 3's. This is when the rule was first starting. And up until last night, it has not happened again. It only happened last night b/c he was SO tired, and really should have been sleeping anyhow

So don't give up hope for a healthy eater, he'll learn VERY quickly that it's better to eat than to be hungry!

[Amberlyn]

The rules in our house are you eat your dinner. ALL of it, AT dinner time. NO exceptions. I plan my meals and snack times so that everyone should be hungry. On days I know my DD isnt hungry (like when she has been at her dads, and eats much later in the day), I let her eat later. We do have dessert as a "reward" I supose. If you don't eat whats on your plate, you don't get dessert. Occasionally we bend and let them eat only a portion of the main meal. Other things, they only have to have one bite of. I cook what I like. If DH doesnt like what I have planned for dinner, then he cooks. The children have some say in what we have, like veggies ect. We didnt used to have these rules, until my DD was about 5. Then she decided she wouldnt eat anything but junk. It was a hard transition, but we made it. Occasionally she will sulk over dinner. I do make little comprimises. My DD only likes meatless speghetti, so I set aside sauce before I add meat. But if she wants more than I have set aside for her, she has to deal with the meat (pick around it or whatever). I think being a little flexible is ok. As for the corner... we don't do corners, but if your not going to eat with the family, then you leave the table. I feel it sets bad examples for the other children to sit there and play with your fork. Especially when the little one is at that "copy" stage in life.

[Electra375]

I don't make alternatives for my children, unless I know it is something they do not like -- such as Fajitas or other spicy food. They always get something equally as healthy and always have, so the struggle with the "new" way of eating I can't help with.
I do get occassions where one of my children will not eat, it happens. I make them sit at the table with the family until the adults are finished. I leave their untouched food on the table, when they say they are hungry later, I point to the table. I will heat it up, but I will not fix anything else.
I have one child who will not eat veggies and we simply state he must eat the portion I put on his plate (between 6 - 9 pieces of a veggie). I do not put a large filling portion of anything else on the plate, so if he wants more chicken, he must eat his veggies first. If I am serving a bread with our dinner, I can use it as a bribe.
We believe that children will eat when they are hungry and if they aren't hungry don't force the issue. We also believe that children should try everything on their plate, at least once. IF they do not like it, that is fine, at least they tried it.
Your dinner by the way sounded great, I have to ask what are you normally serving?
A standard meal at our house is baked chicken cut up into bite size pieces, a veggie such as peas, green beans, broccoli, and/or salad (romain lettuce ans such) w/ Ranch dressing on the side or ketchup as a must!
Home made pizza is also a good healthy food. We make the dough together from fresh ground grains. We buy pizza sauce. We have kid fun slicing olives in the egg slicer, grating cheese, and choosing what else we want on our pizzas.
Whole wheat and spinach spagetti mixed together served with regular spagetti sauce is a hit. You can health up your sauce by adding chopped or purreed carrots! I serve it with a salad and occassionally bread.
I make meat balls with pan gravy (veggie juice for stock, grain flour and olive oil) and serve them with mashed potatos and cranberry sauce and almost always I have a salad at dinner.
Healthy, wholesome meals come in all forms. I think I do a pretty good job with dinner. Lunch is a challenge. Moderation of the "bad" stuff is the key. It's okay for kids to eat more fatting dishes such as homemade macarroni and cheese -- they need the fats for brain developement. I do however limit hotdogs to twice a year, nitrates
Good luck and don't feel bad, my toddler didn't eat anything for dinner last night, but he seems fine -- he just wasn't hungry.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by Amberlyn

The rules in our house are you eat your dinner. ALL of it, AT dinner time. NO exceptions.

If they don't eat all of it, what is the consequence?

[HollyBearsMom]

I do however limit hotdogs to twice a year, nitrates

I refused to give my son hot dogs too. On the rare occasion they were served at party or cookout I let him have them and he loved them so much. I have since discovered Trader Joes has nitrate free 100% all beef and 100% all turkey hot dogs (oh, and bacon too). I still limit them but my son now gets a hot dog once or twice a month.

[LoveBeads]

Trader Joe's.....

[Embee]

Originally Posted by amanda721

DH abd I decided not to do this anymore, It is taking away as a family cuz i end up making to different meal and it is getting costly. . .I know i should have prevented this a long time ago. Have i created a picky monster??

Hi Amanda,

I got to thinking more about your situation today and I wanted to ask a couple of questions. You mentioned that "your DH and you decided" to change things. Did you make any explanation of this to your DS? Did he have any transition time to the new routine at all? The reason I ask is that as parents, if we start things one way and then decided to follow another path, generally we have a disucussion with our spouse and thought process of sorts before changing things up. We're ready for it. We're prepared. Perhaps your DS was not, and simply felt rather blindsided by the sudden turn of events? Some thoughts he may be having: "Mom has always done it one way, and now it's changed." "Why?" "This feels really unfair." "I'm not used to having to eat this new food." I'm not sure if you took a cold turkey approach on this, but if so, you might want to consider things from your DS's point of view. This is one of those blasted times we have to also consider our own role in our children's habits (as you mentioned in your post).

With that, if a healthier eating is the plan, then the goal is to help your son accept the changes to the menu. IMO, the best way to do that is to create postive associations with food. If he's being punished and sent to bed hungry, I think we can agree that that's a clear negative association, and more likely to perpetuate food issues rather than solve them.

Some ways to create a more positive atmosphere? It may help to have him in on the cooking process. Kids love to eat things they helped make. In addition, you can have perhaps a rule about *trying* everything at least once to make sure he doesn't like it. Go ahead and let him do this while you're cooking so you'll know before you sit down to dinner if it's something he'll eat. If he tries and still doesn't like it, then go ahead and make a healthy alternative: PB&J with carrott sticks or a scrambled egg with some grape tomatoes on the side. Simple, takes minutes to make, and with very little cost.

I hope this helps a little. I felt really bad for yesterdays post because it wasn't nearly as positive as it could have been and with little suggestion or advice *the way I do things* sort of post. Sorry for that. And remember, you haven't necessarily created a picker eater here, just perhaps one who needs some positive help in broadening his dietary horizons. I think once he sees how much you and DH and enjoying your meals, he'll be bound to get interested and want to try and eventually dig in, but give him some time and some alternatives so he doesn't feel coerced... i.e., if the atmosphere is non-threatenting, he's much more likely to work with you, IMO. I do imagine after sometime has passed, your food will start to look better and better and his will get BOR-ING!

I wanted to mention also that moreover, it may be the timing of this change that is making it difficult as well. This age is one of a bit of fear. I've found that my good eater is not so good when he's at someone elses home (prefers mom's cooking, feels safer), Also, I can see from your post that your DS has gained a sibling recently, congrats to you and a big change for him. Perhaps this food change just felt over the top for him?

Just my .02 for what it's worth.

Hang in there!

Em