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I think I hate my child - Page 4

post #61 of 135
Thread Starter 
Thank you, thank you Dana!

You are so awesome and I am so glad to know you IRL
post #62 of 135
I posted 4 times (once was an edited typo) before you told me to "go away". And that was your 8th post.

I hope you see the tone you set in this thread at the beginning made it appear you wanted and needed serious discussion and feedback. My posts may stand out to you, but in fact, many other posts asked the same questions that I did. If you were only looking for agreement, it wasn't clear to many of the people who responded to your op.

And if you read the op, it is no mystery why you got that response.

You didn't sugar coat it, as you said. Well, I think people saw that, and did not "sugar coat" their advice, but spoke plainly, assuming you wanted more than a fleeting agreement.
post #63 of 135
*
post #64 of 135
intensity-

I have a very spirited 2.9 yo and a 10 week old. I can feel some of your frustration. Would it help to at least talk to someone, a "professional" about his behavior? I know it helped me to make an appointment with my pediatrician when DS's behavior was out of control. I wasn't looking for a diagnosis, I think I was just looking for support. And yes, an acknowledment that his behavior was in the bounds of "normal".

And there are many days (most lately) where I find myself not liking my DS not much AT ALL.

Please try very hard to take care of yourself. Sounds like you are a good mama with a challenging child.
post #65 of 135
Hi Jaime

I'm holding Gil and can't type well but I wanted you to know I read this and I think you are an amazing wise and patient person. Remember that it will pass, someday he'll be big and a teenager and driving you crazy in a completely different way!

I love you mama-
post #66 of 135

Hi there!

Quote:
Originally Posted by intensity_too
My 3 y/o . . . . .where to start . . . . . .He is a terror. A complete terror. I am not exaggerating in anyway and I am about to loose my cool with him. HELP ME!!!!!!!
First, have a hug.

Second-- I wish I had advice for you on parenting a spirited child. I'm right there with you-- DD is 3.5 and very spirited. I consider it a marathon. Just keep running... (or swimming, as Dori would say. <wink>). I do my best one day at a time. I try to read over and over about the true developmental capabilities of 3 year olds-- helps me remember her intentions are innocent, and that while her behaviors are extreme they are rooted in normal needs. I watch the Anger thread in the GD forum-- it helps me feel less alone. I read a lot of books (Playful Parenting is next-- humor is the only way I can reach DD in many situations).
post #67 of 135
SilverWillow-Just wanted to thank you for your words to Intensity and ME! Like I mentioned before, I have a very spirited child as well, and not many people GET him. Or get that it's an every day battle to parent a child like this. I could go into his behaviors, but that would be hijacking!
Suffice it to say, that I share the frustrations of both you and Intensity and I am offering my support and love to you both...

It's rough when everybody thinks a time out or taking priveleges away is going to help. It just doesn't...and I'm not even talking about some of the behaviors Intensity mentions. Just his normal "spiritedness" and sensitivity are very hard to handle.
post #68 of 135
SilverWillow wrote:

Quote:
I knew you would get lots of basic parenting advice from parents of easy kids. About half of it would be completely innocent suggestions from people whose kids the advice would actually *work* on.
You saw what you wanted to see then. You didn't see what was written.

I did not agree with the overall tone of the OP, but I did understand what she was describing. My child was not easy at 2 and 3. He was extremely difficult, had serious medical needs, and had behaviours that were on a level with what you might expect from a child with post traumatic stress. Extreme aversions, extreme fears, extreme reactions, high needs, lots of hitting, impulsive, not listening, constant supervision was necessary....

It was very difficult and I had many hard days. And this was before MDC. I am very grateful to a certain positive discipline board I found at a website years ago. It was wonderful having somewhere to post on the worst days. I can relate to that. I cannot relate to the tone of the OP towards her child. When someone put my post about my child's bad day in a positive light, I was grateful for that. I did not turn around and say "No, he really is a terror, you just don't know how it is to live like this". I did not defend his "awfulness". I did not want people to agree he was impossible, even when I was deeply frustrated. I wanted people to tell me I could handle this. I wanted people to tell me I could turn frustration into understanding and learning. I wanted people to agree he was a WONDERFUL child, a special and magic child, I wanted people to encourage me to see him this way, and to encourage me that I could work through these issues with him.

The OP's child is *3*. If now is not the time to keep working on your own attitude, learning how to be positive, to keep exploring options, I want to ask, when is the time for that?

SilverWillow, you may not agree with my advice. You are wrong to assume that everyone who was less than supportive of the OP's attitude was coming from a place of parenting easy children. That is not true. I think the OP has missed a great chance to learn and grow by shutting out any post here that wasn't to her liking. But that is her choice, not the fault of others who shared their experience.
post #69 of 135
Thread Starter 
Once again . . . and this is my last response to you heartmama . . . . I do not have an attitude problem towards my child. I do not need to learn and grow. My very high needs, spirited child has been this way since birth!!!! I have, and continue, to learn, grow and adapted to daily life with my very magical child.

He is wonderful!
He is gorgeous! (Of course, I may be biased)
He is very smart!
He has an imagination that won't quite!
He's head strong! (Like his mama)
He has no fear!
He has endless energy!

While, on most days, I love these qualities in my ds (and there is so much more I could have listed) there are days when they become to much to handle and I get frustrated and upset. Is that the right reaction. No. Is it a normal reaction. Yes! Now, I am sorry that you took my OP in the wrong way and that I was not very clear in what I was trying to say. I'll admit it . . . Yes, at the very moment in time that I typed that message . . . the whole minute it took . . . I truly thought I hated my child. Of course, after the message was sent and I had a moment of peace in the bathroom alone, my 3 y/o walked up to me and said, "Mama there is an elephant in the living room and it is hitting it's head on the ceiling" (maybe not that clearly but I knew what he was trying to say). At that moment all the thoughts of hating my child left and were replaced by the ever growing love I have for him.
post #70 of 135
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverWillow
First, have a hug.

Second-- I wish I had advice for you on parenting a spirited child. I'm right there with you-- DD is 3.5 and very spirited. I consider it a marathon. Just keep running... (or swimming, as Dori would say. <wink>). I do my best one day at a time. I try to read over and over about the true developmental capabilities of 3 year olds-- helps me remember her intentions are innocent, and that while her behaviors are extreme they are rooted in normal needs. I watch the Anger thread in the GD forum-- it helps me feel less alone. I read a lot of books (Playful Parenting is next-- humor is the only way I can reach DD in many situations). I only post in Special Needs for the following reason...

When I read your OP I groaned inside, knowing what was to follow. I knew you would get lots of basic parenting advice from parents of easy kids. About half of it would be completely innocent suggestions from people whose kids the advice would actually *work* on. (People suggest using time-out to me all the time-- cue hysterical laughter as I imagine literally pinning DD down with my body to get her to stay anywhere she didn't want to go-- then picture the bruises all over me). The rest would be comments form people who think their kids are easy because they're such great parents. I pray these people never know what it's like to be literally tapped out-- out of patience, out of energy, out of ideas, out of compassion-- every day of their lives from caring for an unusually intense and needy (and perhaps aggressive)child.

The problem is, these people will NEVER understand. They will try mightily to convince you they do, because they really believe they do. Just give up. Don't engage-- back away slowly. It's not worth the frustration it will bring you when they relentlessly invalidate your emotions and your experience. Find a place that is safe, if you can (Special Needs!) and post away.

The most supportive friend I have, honestly, was the mom of a very easy baby. She could see the obvious difference in our children from the very start (sleep habits, need for soothing, need for constant entertainment, level of tolerance for discomfort/boredom/fatigue) and just said-- "wow-- I don't know how you do it. You are fabulous for trying so hard and giving so much of yourself to meet her needs." She made suggestions, but mostly we ended up laughing good-naturedly together when we realized how unrealistic they were. I loved getting the ideas, though, from someone who was so nonjudgmental. When she had her second baby, she finally "got it"-- he was high needs! It's nice to have a friend who understands. I hope you find someone IRL who can relate as well.

Hang in there! I hope the behavioral specialist can be of some help. Good for you for advocating for your child. I do find the sugar/TV/food allergy interventions to be somewhat helpful when behavior is at its worst, if minimally-- but every little bit helps. Won't solve everything, of course. Just keep swimming...

Sending unconditional support,

Amy

Thank you Amy for understanding and your thoughtful words. I am glad to know I am not the only mama out there who lives through this everyday.

Here's to swimming and staying a float.

Bless you.
post #71 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverWillow
When I read your OP I groaned inside, knowing what was to follow. I knew you would get lots of basic parenting advice from parents of easy kids....

The problem is, these people will NEVER understand. They will try mightily to convince you they do, because they really believe they do. Just give up. Don't engage-- back away slowly.
Oh, good grief. These are the types of posts that make me groan inside.

The assumptions on this thread are just incredible.

You're right. You all are terribly misunderstood. You are obviously the only mothers on this thread to have ever dealt with spirited children and anyone who has advice to offer that varies from what you might like or expect has obviously never been there.

post #72 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama

(snip)
I think the OP has missed a great chance to learn and grow by shutting out any post here that wasn't to her liking. But that is her choice, not the fault of others who shared their experience.
Wow, "her choice", "fault"-- nope, no judgement there. I'm going to declare this an impasse. This is getting OT and it would be better for the thread to open up to more support for the OP if possible.

/engage

Amy
post #73 of 135
ok, I don't know what everyone's bickering about, cos I don't have time to read these long long threads. But I read some of the first page, and here and there throughout it...and my thinking is, first check the diet, and the activities that the kid has, and if those areas aren't peachy, then check the way you're parenting.

I think with more difficult kids, this idea that they should have even MORE freedom to vent, or be totally crazy little monkeys w/no regard for rules, is nutso!! totally nutso! That's what creates little monkeys, a lot of the time, in my opinion. if there's no environmental issues or home conflict issues, the problem might just be in the discipline. Is there any? is it effective?

I knew a child like you described. his mom was not into discipline at all, and he was a terror. he would hit her and she'd cry and say "why? why?" When his mom finally said, no, B, you can't do this, or that, and if you don't behave X will happen that you don't like so much, BAM, his behavior improved. I take issue with those who are anti discipline. Discipine does not break their little spirits unless it's abusive or unfair.

Had to have my 2 cents.
And for the record, my kid is "easy." But maude knows how she'd be if I let her have her way all the time. Ultimately, I'd say, go with your instinct. You are probably right. Unless your instincts have been replaced by some "expert" in parenting. You are the expert on your child. You know what your child needs, not me, not some book or cute ideology.

love,
K
post #74 of 135
Well, I'm not saying I completely understand what the OP or anyone on this thread, or in the world for that matter, is going through. It's really not possible-- I haven't walked in any of your shoes. But some of us recognize one another's shoes, if you know what I mean. Finding a kindred spirit has made all the difference in the world to me several times throughout my parenting career.

I'm not saying you've never been there. But it's clear that some of the posters on this thread do not relate to the emotional state of the OP, and have said as much. If we're assuming that we're all pretty decent moms here, that says to me that she may be experiencing behaviors on a level some here (including me) have never seen and cannot seem to imagine. If she says it's hard to get through the day, very hard-- I believe her. It's okay, it's not a contest (not one that I'd want to win, that's for sure!). We all have our varying challenges-- it's not bad to have easier kids, for goodness sakes, and those who do may have other issues that make their lives much more difficult than mine or the OP's, etc.

Venting is about losing control and then regaining perspective. It can feel really suffocating when people seem to think they know exactly how to "fix" you, or your kid if you'd just let them have her for a week. That's how advice feels in the heat of the moment when it just isn't applicable to your situation, at least in my experience. It seems like miscommunication mostly, but it causes a lot of frustration all around.

I wish us all easy days with our exasperatingly wonderful children!

Amy




Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly
Oh, good grief. These are the types of posts that make me groan inside.

The assumptions on this thread are just incredible.

You're right. You all are terribly misunderstood. You are obviously the only mothers on this thread to have ever dealt with spirited children and anyone who has advice to offer that varies from what you might like or expect has obviously never been there.

post #75 of 135
Silverwillow, you are still seeing what you want to see in my posts. You are being defensive instead of addressing the actual content, and finding specific issues to discuss.

Itensity too, why be hostile? I have said nothing angry or hostile towards you.

Quote:
I do not need to learn and grow.
I truly don't understand why you say things like this. How can you be done growing as a parent so early in the journey?

However I enjoyed the rest of your post. I'm glad to hear things are looking better.
post #76 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by intensity_too
I do not need to learn and grow.
: Please sweet goddess, in all my time on Earth, but especially as a mother, never ever ever ever let me consider, think, or say those words. :

that makes me :
post #77 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama
Silverwillow, you are still seeing what you want to see in my posts. You are being defensive instead of addressing the actual content, and finding specific issues to discuss..
heartmama, I addressed the content of your last post very specifically by quoting you, and then replying to each section. I gave you some very specific examples of my own parenting, as did the OP. Yes, I addressed some of your post by disagreeing with you. Ignore it if you like. You've proven my point. You seem determined to continue this thread hijack into infinity so long as you have the last word. I'm going to let you have it. I simply can't put in the effort it takes to follow these kinds of threads during the week.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama
I truly don't understand why you say things like this. How can you be done growing as a parent so early in the journey?
I think she just doesn't want to hear it from you any more, since you seemed judgmental in your initial post. She is growing, and learning, of course, so you don't need to suggest that any more. She gets it already. Grow, learn: check. Throwing cliches at her when she wants a hug just isn't helping. She's said it over and over. If you can't see that by now, you never will. Just keep on posting, though! I guess this is your thread now.

I'm out! If anyone wants me, please pm me (nicely ) as I've unsubscribed from the thread. Good luck to all and let's enjoy our crazy monkey kids as much as we do the little angels!

Amy
post #78 of 135
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by happyhippiemama
: Please sweet goddess, in all my time on Earth, but especially as a mother, never ever ever ever let me consider, think, or say those words. :

that makes me :
The not needing to learn and grow comment was meant to mean that I get it already! Heartmama can stop telling me that I need to learn and grow. I got it already.
post #79 of 135
bicker bicker bicker.

just give the OP some support already! dang talk about hijacking a thread.

OP - what can I say. It sounds very difficult what you are dealing with. I don't have any advice just sympathy.

peace
post #80 of 135
SilverWillow, you jumped into this thread insisting everyone had any easy child. When I shared otherwise, you insisted I was using too many *I* statements. If you would like to share advice on the actual topic, I'd be happy to talk.

Quote:
I think she just doesn't want to hear it from you any more,
Wel, the post after my last said the same thing.
Quote:
Heartmama can stop telling me that I need to learn and grow. I got it already.
I am not the only one saying that. Someone else just said it. It's interesting you keep choosing to see it as what *heartmama* is saying.

You have specifically called me out with comments re "go away". I have not responded in the same tone. You are being flippant towards what I say without provocation.
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