Willow was born Friday, October 15, just after midnight. she weighed only 5lbs 13oz, but measured 22" long, we call her Stretch. 
i labored for over 30 hours. i'm pretty fuzzy on the details, especially time. i needed an emergency cesearean, which i feel very sad about but then i look at Willow and i know that anything, anything was worth it 
labor started for me at 4:30 Wednesday afternoon. i'd been having bouts of regular surges since the previous Friday, 5-7 minutes apart but only lasting 2-3 hours each. every time i'd wonder, "is this it?!" and i'd feel sad when the surges stopped. i was sitting curled up in bed coloring mandalas when i had a few strong surges and then needed to run to the bathroom, my insides were definitely emptying themselves out. after an hour i realized the surges were getting stronger, i called my doula, C., to let her know. she came over just to keep me company, even if it wasn't labor she just wanted to see my face and gauge how i was doing. we sat and crocheted until my husband came home from work. i'd say "surge" and C. would note the time so i didn't have to watch the clock. she called our second doula, T., after a little while (a friend of hers who needed to attend one more birth for her certification). i couldn't get comfortable sitting in the shakti pose any longer so i got up with each surge and sat on the birth ball and rocked, or just paced around the house.
my husband and i baby-danced in the mediation room for a while, i told him "you feel like a tree!" because whenever i'd surge, he'd root himself energy-wise somehow and make it easier for me to lean against him (he was like that the whole rest of labor!). i started chanting "om mani padme hum" and soon found a rhythm that worked for me: one syllable at a time, with a deep breath in between. most contractions were lasting a full 2 chants. i was SO suprised that labor didn't hurt! i mean, i could call it pain but it wasn't like an injury or an illness. i lost track of time, once i was shocked to see that a few hours had passed! i was in Laborland all throughout labor, i didn't remember the previous surge or pain, and i didn't look ahead to the next one, i kept my focus on one surge at a time.
the 4 of us worked together to manage my surges. at first i only needed one person to rub or press on my lower back. by the end of labor i needed all 3 of them! we kept finding new things that worked and then repeating things in cycles. i forget exactly why we decided it was time to go to the hospital, i wanted to labor at home longer but the surges were pretty strong and 3 minutes apart for over 2 hours. i needed to get the GBS+ antibiotics in my system to save Willow hassles at the hospital, and we had no idea how fast or slow this would be. i got to the hospital after 1 a.m., after a painful car ride ... i laid in the backseat on a blanket and the surges were just awful lying down. my husband didn't break any speed records, he knew it was more important to not jostle me too much
i'd called ahead to request a room with a shower, and it was the last room they had when i got there. the labor nurse, Joann, was so nice! i was so relieved because i know the labor nurses can make or break a birth, and Joann was a real "mommy" nurse, brusque and brassy yet very warm and caring (she went off shift at 7 a.m. and then came back to me 12 hours later on her next shift at 7 p.m.!) Joann understood my reluctance to get an IV because of my bad history with them and attempted a heplock, but after blowing one vein she called in a "hard stick" specialist. she got it in one painful try, and we started the antibiotics. the doctor on call checked me and i was only at 1cm but 90% effaced, we wondered why such strong, fequent contractions for only 1cm but we didn't try to guess when the baby would be born. i soon got into a hourly rhythm: laboring 15 minutes on my left side for EFM, then going to the bathroom and walking, swaying or dancing; then rocking on the birth ball or the rocking chair, then back to bed at the top of the hour. i sipped 1/4 cup or more of fruit juice per hour and we checked my glucose levels once an hour, while my husband adjusted my insulin dosage and gave me the shots as needed.
by 3 a.m. i thought i was getting pretty loud with my chanting through contractions ... it had turned into a gutteral yell sort of thing, like this: OMMMM - breath - MAAAA - breath - NIIII - breath - PAAAD - breath - MAYYY - breath - HUMMM ... and so on. with the syllables getting louder, lower and longer as time went on. by the end i thought i was screaming my chant, but everyone says i was relatively quiet to their ears! i labored in the shower twice but it was too small and i felt trapped. i also tried to get on all fours, or do lunges, as much as possible but it didn't offer enough pain and pressure relief. i was laughing and talking between surges right up to the 26-hour mark, mostly saying things like "i love this!" or trying to describe how beautiful surges were, how great it felt to be helping the baby on her journey. i talked to Willow a lot, rubbing my belly and letting her know how excited i was to see her soon! my doulas were utterly fantastic, they did so much for me i need a book to describe it all.
everyone at the hospital was great about me yelling and writhing, no one even mentioned pain meds or pitocin. at 26 hours i realized my back had been hurting worse and worse for what seemed like a long time, and both knees were locking up and getting more painful and weaker. the pain was more in the area of fibromyalgia pain rather than back labor. it began to drain me of my resources ... i actually begged for labor pain over the arthritis and fibromyalgia pain! i started snapping at everyone helping me, trying to communicate how i needed to be touched, i started losing my focus. i asked about demerol or stadol and learned that stadol is what they use at that hospital, i argued with myself for a while and then asked for the lowest dose they could give me. (i had no idea 26 hours was a long time at that point!)
other than labor pain, the relief was pretty fast. i could actually feel only the surges again, which made them seem a bit more painful, but i welcomed that kind of pain! i laid down on my left side a bit more often, just to see if i could rest for a few minutes here and there and get another "second wind" (i'd gotten a few already). i still got up and did all the other positions, whatever worked. my OB came in and checked me, i was at 7cm and 80% effaced, the baby was still at -3 station (she never descended). being 10% less effaced than when i came in was a bit confusing, but the doctor explained each person doing an exam might measure a bit differently. i asked if AROM would help move the baby down, we talked about it and i asked to labor another 2 hours while i made my decision.
after 2 hours my other pains were coming back, so i requested another .5 mg of stadol and agreed to the AROM. (each time, stadol slowed the surges at first, then they speeded up again.) we talked about positioning after it was done. this is where the OBs did one thing that i hated: they put in an internal monitor without my permission! they had been so good about letting me do things on my own and getting my consent, i felt really upset. we all saw the long white stick they were using, but none of us knew that the monitor's insertion stick and the amnihook looked very much alike. i felt the wire coming out of me and panicked, they explained they wanted a "slow leak" of fluid rather than a fast burst, since the baby was so high, and this was how they did a slow leak (applied the monitor to the baby's scalp through the membranes). i agreed i'd rather have a slow leak but still told them how pissed i was that they didn't ask for my consent! i felt the warm fluid gushing out and it actually felt really good, i got on my hands and knees and rocked my pelvis to help Willow move down into the birth canal.
i liked being able to move freely during all the surges and got used to the wire taped to my leg, i also liked the sound of Willow's heartbeat playing constantly in the background ... it had been so strong all throughout labor, she wasn't stressing! i also loved the fluid leaking out of me, it smelled so wild and primal, coppery and salty and another note i can't explain. i'd had bloody show for quite a while, i loved that too, birth is messy and i was enjoying every minute of it i felt like i was along for a ride on the biggest, wildest roller coaster ever. i know now that i had been in an out of transition several times ... my surges had been at 1 minute apart for hours, it'd back off a bit then surge forward again, like giant waves. i never felt like giving up, although i got angry about making no progress, and then reverse progress.
2 hours after AROM, i was checked again and this time i was at 6cm, 60% effaced, and Willow still hadn't moved down. we started talking about options. pitocin was out because of the -3 station, we couldn't know what was holding her up so high so why risk putting her into distress? we speculated about CPD and though it unlikely given her small size (we thought 7 pounds or less from ultrasound). my OB seemed urgent about something but didn't tell me what, she just kept quietly bringing up c-section and holding my hand and comforting me. i was so out of it dealing with surges, off in la-la-land as i had been the whole time. the stadol had worn off and i was in the full swing of labor, loving every minute and not wanting it to end until i felt Willow sliding out of me! they'd shown me that my first few fluid leaks showed a light green tinge, but after that they'd been taking the chux pads away quietly. i think if they'd told me how much meconium they were seeing while i was busy chanting and handling surges, i would have freaked out totally ... hence why they downplayed it for me. final check showed me at 4cm and only 40% effaced
it was at 30 hours they all started prepping into scrubs and i signed papers, i felt so damn guilty for choosing a cesearean but i also knew Willow needed to come out. she was having a decels here and there, and i hated the sound of her heart slowing that much!! i asked for a final 1mg of stadol so i could calm down and handle just the labor pains, i was angry at them and feeling very defeated. for some reason i kept having to look everyone new who came into the room straight in the eyes and keep telling them my name and Willow's name - the OB nurses, the anesthesiologist. we practiced me holding still during a contraction to see if i could hold still for the spinal (i can't remember exactly why we couldn't do epidural, it was something about the need to hurry because of the decels getting worse), they decided to let my doula T. scrub up and go into the OR with me because she's also a CNA and wouldn't mess with the sterile field or the operation. my other doula C. said she'd stay with Pan and Willow the whole time. Pan looked so damn scared!! i was terrified but numb. the surges were now finally HURTING, and hurting very badly. i just kept saying to myself "you'll see Willow very soon!"
while Laborland was a blissful haze of pain and beauty, and time didn't make sense and didn't even matter, c-birth land was a place where some things stand out sharply, other things disappear, and time sped up impossibly. i have to say the staff respected all my fears and wishes even as they were rushing and hurrying everything. they let me bring my little Elmo doll to hold in my right hand, for security. everyone also went hands off, except T., whenever i had another surge. i gave up chanting and just wept through them. T. held me while i got the spinal, and Joann (who was also a surgical nurse) kept my eyes focused on hers the entire time. i felt a sharp pinch, then a shower of sparks across my hips, then they laid me down quickly. i went numb so fast, but still i was terrified of feeling the surgery, they even waited for me to be numb before they catheterized me because i'd begged them to. soon i felt like i was flying ... it was a relief to not be in pain anymore, but it was terrifying to be numb and paralyzed! i could feel where my body stopped and started, but i couldn't tell where i was in space, the sensation of flying was incredible. so i thought "okay, Willow and i are flying together, soon she's going to soar right up out of my body and be like a little bird" i wasn't making sense even in my own head anymore.
my husband was finally let in and i could see the fear in his eyes. i told him "i'm sorry i can't look in your eyes, i'll look at your hair" and i begged him "talk to me, talk to me!" i was completely numb except for my left shoulder, so he rubbed that in circles and told me he loved me and tried to describe what was going on for me. my nose stuffed up so much i could barely breathe, i panicked and Pan just kept saying "breathe in ... breathe out" so i closed my eyes and focused on his voice. i heard a tiny little cry! they said she's not out yet, then Pan saw her and i heard her crying! i just kept trying to breathe. i think i asked questions about her, but no one answered. Pan had left very quickly. he did come back and hold her up to my face after she was examined, and i kissed her cheek and was shocked to see her little head turn towards me ... she knew me!! T. sat and rubbed my shoulder and coached me to keep breathing. i started throwing up, they pulled my head to one side and suctioned me with noisy things that stuck into my throat. i threw up for i don't know how long. i was convinced i was dying, no one was reassuring me, and ALL I WANTED WAS WILLOW!!! i think i may have passed out because i don't remember anything until being wheeled back into my room to recover.
T. asked if she could latch Willow on to my breast, i laughed and said YES! i didn't remember seeing her come in but now i looked at her in wonder as she looked at me, she looked so shocked when she got her first sips of milk! then she was on a warming table and i was reaching my hand out while Pan changed her diaper, full of poop already, the little bugger! he wrapped her and laid her on me while i just smelled and tasted her, she was so amazing and beautiful and i loved everything about her already. i was still numb and paralyzed but could feel my hands a little bit. after that it gets fuzzy again.
i'm so happy that i got to have such a natural labor for so very long. it was the ride of my life!! i'll never forget how beautiful it felt ... everyone says i was laughing between contractions, even at 1 min. apart, saying "this is so beautiful!" i remember rubbing my belly and talking to Willow during contractions, telling her i'd see her soon and we'd all love her and that it was safe to come out. transition was so intense, i felt like my body was a wild thing out of control and i just had to thrash and writhe because i felt my hips opening up to greet my daughter. when transition would back off i'd be so angry! i remember roaring at one point "bring it on!" labor was the most pain i'd ever felt in my life but it was the most rewarding, primal, beautiful experience ... a soft world of pain and bliss where there was nothing but me and my little Willow working together to meet each other. i am SO sad i didn't get to deliver her vaginally, i really wanted to feel her little head coming out, to feel pushing, to feel her slither out at the end, to deliver the placenta ... after her c-birth i felt empty and scared, until i saw her again and then i felt so very happy.
it turns out Willow had her cord wrapped twice around her neck and it was a short cord, so she was "yo-yo-ing" and couldn't have come out on her own. there was nothing i could have done to help her out. she never went into true distress, the healthy little bugger!
her apgars were 9/9 and so looked healthy and robust. she didn't swallow even a drop of meconium, they speculated perhaps because of the cord wrap.
Willow only lost 5 oz. during our hospital stay! we roomed in other than a couple of short nursery trips when i was sick, they're incredibly pro-breastfeeding so no problems at all. now, a few hours short of her 1-week birthday, she's back up to her birth weight already. my favorite part of breastfeeding so far is hearing her crazy swallowing noises, the lil' piggy
i felt fantastic up to a few days after the birth. i had so much natural labor, i was still high from it. i'm sure it benefitted both Willow and i greatly to experience all those wonderful hormones. it felt so powerful and beautiful, i kept laughing and saying "i love this!" i'm starting to get more and more sad about the c-birth part of it, but i'm determined to keep celebrating the labor part of it. i want to "turn poison into medicine" and someday i want to get a tattoo on my c-scar, a spiral just like the belly of the little goddess statue i'd made that i held onto during much of labor. i can show Willow the scar someday and teach her about birth, how not to be afraid of it and how to be a strong woman in control of her body and her choices, but also teach her how not everything works as we plan and that it's okay to do whatever you have to do to survive.
yesterday i was freaking out over the c-birth again, and i started chanting "om mani padme hum" slow like i do at the temple. i was holding Willow, and she snapped her eyes open and stared into mine, and reached her hand up and touched my lips! i kept chanting and she just smiled and gazed at me. she remembers her "birth song"
i labored for over 30 hours. i'm pretty fuzzy on the details, especially time. i needed an emergency cesearean, which i feel very sad about but then i look at Willow and i know that anything, anything was worth it labor started for me at 4:30 Wednesday afternoon. i'd been having bouts of regular surges since the previous Friday, 5-7 minutes apart but only lasting 2-3 hours each. every time i'd wonder, "is this it?!" and i'd feel sad when the surges stopped. i was sitting curled up in bed coloring mandalas when i had a few strong surges and then needed to run to the bathroom, my insides were definitely emptying themselves out. after an hour i realized the surges were getting stronger, i called my doula, C., to let her know. she came over just to keep me company, even if it wasn't labor she just wanted to see my face and gauge how i was doing. we sat and crocheted until my husband came home from work. i'd say "surge" and C. would note the time so i didn't have to watch the clock. she called our second doula, T., after a little while (a friend of hers who needed to attend one more birth for her certification). i couldn't get comfortable sitting in the shakti pose any longer so i got up with each surge and sat on the birth ball and rocked, or just paced around the house.
my husband and i baby-danced in the mediation room for a while, i told him "you feel like a tree!" because whenever i'd surge, he'd root himself energy-wise somehow and make it easier for me to lean against him (he was like that the whole rest of labor!). i started chanting "om mani padme hum" and soon found a rhythm that worked for me: one syllable at a time, with a deep breath in between. most contractions were lasting a full 2 chants. i was SO suprised that labor didn't hurt! i mean, i could call it pain but it wasn't like an injury or an illness. i lost track of time, once i was shocked to see that a few hours had passed! i was in Laborland
all throughout labor, i didn't remember the previous surge or pain, and i didn't look ahead to the next one, i kept my focus on one surge at a time.the 4 of us worked together to manage my surges. at first i only needed one person to rub or press on my lower back. by the end of labor i needed all 3 of them! we kept finding new things that worked and then repeating things in cycles. i forget exactly why we decided it was time to go to the hospital, i wanted to labor at home longer but the surges were pretty strong and 3 minutes apart for over 2 hours. i needed to get the GBS+ antibiotics in my system to save Willow hassles at the hospital, and we had no idea how fast or slow this would be. i got to the hospital after 1 a.m., after a painful car ride ... i laid in the backseat on a blanket and the surges were just awful lying down. my husband didn't break any speed records, he knew it was more important to not jostle me too much
i'd called ahead to request a room with a shower, and it was the last room they had when i got there. the labor nurse, Joann, was so nice! i was so relieved because i know the labor nurses can make or break a birth, and Joann was a real "mommy" nurse, brusque and brassy yet very warm and caring (she went off shift at 7 a.m. and then came back to me 12 hours later on her next shift at 7 p.m.!) Joann understood my reluctance to get an IV because of my bad history with them and attempted a heplock, but after blowing one vein she called in a "hard stick" specialist. she got it in one painful try, and we started the antibiotics. the doctor on call checked me and i was only at 1cm but 90% effaced, we wondered why such strong, fequent contractions for only 1cm but we didn't try to guess when the baby would be born. i soon got into a hourly rhythm: laboring 15 minutes on my left side for EFM, then going to the bathroom and walking, swaying or dancing; then rocking on the birth ball or the rocking chair, then back to bed at the top of the hour. i sipped 1/4 cup or more of fruit juice per hour and we checked my glucose levels once an hour, while my husband adjusted my insulin dosage and gave me the shots as needed.
by 3 a.m. i thought i was getting pretty loud with my chanting through contractions ... it had turned into a gutteral yell sort of thing, like this: OMMMM - breath - MAAAA - breath - NIIII - breath - PAAAD - breath - MAYYY - breath - HUMMM ... and so on. with the syllables getting louder, lower and longer as time went on. by the end i thought i was screaming my chant, but everyone says i was relatively quiet to their ears! i labored in the shower twice but it was too small and i felt trapped. i also tried to get on all fours, or do lunges, as much as possible but it didn't offer enough pain and pressure relief. i was laughing and talking between surges right up to the 26-hour mark, mostly saying things like "i love this!" or trying to describe how beautiful surges were, how great it felt to be helping the baby on her journey. i talked to Willow a lot, rubbing my belly and letting her know how excited i was to see her soon! my doulas were utterly fantastic, they did so much for me i need a book to describe it all.
everyone at the hospital was great about me yelling and writhing, no one even mentioned pain meds or pitocin. at 26 hours i realized my back had been hurting worse and worse for what seemed like a long time, and both knees were locking up and getting more painful and weaker. the pain was more in the area of fibromyalgia pain rather than back labor. it began to drain me of my resources ... i actually begged for labor pain over the arthritis and fibromyalgia pain! i started snapping at everyone helping me, trying to communicate how i needed to be touched, i started losing my focus. i asked about demerol or stadol and learned that stadol is what they use at that hospital, i argued with myself for a while and then asked for the lowest dose they could give me. (i had no idea 26 hours was a long time at that point!)
other than labor pain, the relief was pretty fast. i could actually feel only the surges again, which made them seem a bit more painful, but i welcomed that kind of pain! i laid down on my left side a bit more often, just to see if i could rest for a few minutes here and there and get another "second wind" (i'd gotten a few already). i still got up and did all the other positions, whatever worked. my OB came in and checked me, i was at 7cm and 80% effaced, the baby was still at -3 station (she never descended). being 10% less effaced than when i came in was a bit confusing, but the doctor explained each person doing an exam might measure a bit differently. i asked if AROM would help move the baby down, we talked about it and i asked to labor another 2 hours while i made my decision.
after 2 hours my other pains were coming back, so i requested another .5 mg of stadol and agreed to the AROM. (each time, stadol slowed the surges at first, then they speeded up again.) we talked about positioning after it was done. this is where the OBs did one thing that i hated: they put in an internal monitor without my permission! they had been so good about letting me do things on my own and getting my consent, i felt really upset. we all saw the long white stick they were using, but none of us knew that the monitor's insertion stick and the amnihook looked very much alike. i felt the wire coming out of me and panicked, they explained they wanted a "slow leak" of fluid rather than a fast burst, since the baby was so high, and this was how they did a slow leak (applied the monitor to the baby's scalp through the membranes). i agreed i'd rather have a slow leak but still told them how pissed i was that they didn't ask for my consent! i felt the warm fluid gushing out and it actually felt really good, i got on my hands and knees and rocked my pelvis to help Willow move down into the birth canal.
i liked being able to move freely during all the surges and got used to the wire taped to my leg, i also liked the sound of Willow's heartbeat playing constantly in the background ... it had been so strong all throughout labor, she wasn't stressing! i also loved the fluid leaking out of me, it smelled so wild and primal, coppery and salty and another note i can't explain. i'd had bloody show for quite a while, i loved that too, birth is messy and i was enjoying every minute of it
i felt like i was along for a ride on the biggest, wildest roller coaster ever. i know now that i had been in an out of transition several times ... my surges had been at 1 minute apart for hours, it'd back off a bit then surge forward again, like giant waves. i never felt like giving up, although i got angry about making no progress, and then reverse progress.2 hours after AROM, i was checked again and this time i was at 6cm, 60% effaced, and Willow still hadn't moved down. we started talking about options. pitocin was out because of the -3 station, we couldn't know what was holding her up so high so why risk putting her into distress? we speculated about CPD and though it unlikely given her small size (we thought 7 pounds or less from ultrasound). my OB seemed urgent about something but didn't tell me what, she just kept quietly bringing up c-section and holding my hand and comforting me. i was so out of it dealing with surges, off in la-la-land as i had been the whole time. the stadol had worn off and i was in the full swing of labor, loving every minute and not wanting it to end until i felt Willow sliding out of me! they'd shown me that my first few fluid leaks showed a light green tinge, but after that they'd been taking the chux pads away quietly. i think if they'd told me how much meconium they were seeing while i was busy chanting and handling surges, i would have freaked out totally ... hence why they downplayed it for me. final check showed me at 4cm and only 40% effaced
it was at 30 hours they all started prepping into scrubs and i signed papers, i felt so damn guilty for choosing a cesearean but i also knew Willow needed to come out. she was having a decels here and there, and i hated the sound of her heart slowing that much!! i asked for a final 1mg of stadol so i could calm down and handle just the labor pains, i was angry at them and feeling very defeated. for some reason i kept having to look everyone new who came into the room straight in the eyes and keep telling them my name and Willow's name - the OB nurses, the anesthesiologist. we practiced me holding still during a contraction to see if i could hold still for the spinal (i can't remember exactly why we couldn't do epidural, it was something about the need to hurry because of the decels getting worse), they decided to let my doula T. scrub up and go into the OR with me because she's also a CNA and wouldn't mess with the sterile field or the operation. my other doula C. said she'd stay with Pan and Willow the whole time. Pan looked so damn scared!! i was terrified but numb. the surges were now finally HURTING, and hurting very badly. i just kept saying to myself "you'll see Willow very soon!"
while Laborland was a blissful haze of pain and beauty, and time didn't make sense and didn't even matter, c-birth land was a place where some things stand out sharply, other things disappear, and time sped up impossibly.
i have to say the staff respected all my fears and wishes even as they were rushing and hurrying everything. they let me bring my little Elmo doll to hold in my right hand, for security. everyone also went hands off, except T., whenever i had another surge. i gave up chanting and just wept through them. T. held me while i got the spinal, and Joann (who was also a surgical nurse) kept my eyes focused on hers the entire time. i felt a sharp pinch, then a shower of sparks across my hips, then they laid me down quickly. i went numb so fast, but still i was terrified of feeling the surgery, they even waited for me to be numb before they catheterized me because i'd begged them to. soon i felt like i was flying ... it was a relief to not be in pain anymore, but it was terrifying to be numb and paralyzed! i could feel where my body stopped and started, but i couldn't tell where i was in space, the sensation of flying was incredible. so i thought "okay, Willow and i are flying together, soon she's going to soar right up out of my body and be like a little bird" i wasn't making sense even in my own head anymore. my husband was finally let in and i could see the fear in his eyes. i told him "i'm sorry i can't look in your eyes, i'll look at your hair" and i begged him "talk to me, talk to me!" i was completely numb except for my left shoulder, so he rubbed that in circles and told me he loved me and tried to describe what was going on for me. my nose stuffed up so much i could barely breathe, i panicked and Pan just kept saying "breathe in ... breathe out" so i closed my eyes and focused on his voice. i heard a tiny little cry! they said she's not out yet, then Pan saw her and i heard her crying! i just kept trying to breathe. i think i asked questions about her, but no one answered. Pan had left very quickly. he did come back and hold her up to my face after she was examined, and i kissed her cheek and was shocked to see her little head turn towards me ... she knew me!! T. sat and rubbed my shoulder and coached me to keep breathing. i started throwing up, they pulled my head to one side and suctioned me with noisy things that stuck into my throat. i threw up for i don't know how long. i was convinced i was dying, no one was reassuring me, and ALL I WANTED WAS WILLOW!!! i think i may have passed out because i don't remember anything until being wheeled back into my room to recover.
T. asked if she could latch Willow on to my breast, i laughed and said YES! i didn't remember seeing her come in but now i looked at her in wonder as she looked at me, she looked so shocked when she got her first sips of milk! then she was on a warming table and i was reaching my hand out while Pan changed her diaper, full of poop already, the little bugger! he wrapped her and laid her on me while i just smelled and tasted her, she was so amazing and beautiful and i loved everything about her already. i was still numb and paralyzed but could feel my hands a little bit. after that it gets fuzzy again.
i'm so happy that i got to have such a natural labor for so very long. it was the ride of my life!! i'll never forget how beautiful it felt ... everyone says i was laughing between contractions, even at 1 min. apart, saying "this is so beautiful!" i remember rubbing my belly and talking to Willow during contractions, telling her i'd see her soon and we'd all love her and that it was safe to come out. transition was so intense, i felt like my body was a wild thing out of control and i just had to thrash and writhe because i felt my hips opening up to greet my daughter. when transition would back off i'd be so angry! i remember roaring at one point "bring it on!" labor was the most pain i'd ever felt in my life but it was the most rewarding, primal, beautiful experience ... a soft world of pain and bliss where there was nothing but me and my little Willow working together to meet each other. i am SO sad i didn't get to deliver her vaginally, i really wanted to feel her little head coming out, to feel pushing, to feel her slither out at the end, to deliver the placenta ... after her c-birth i felt empty and scared, until i saw her again and then i felt so very happy.
it turns out Willow had her cord wrapped twice around her neck and it was a short cord, so she was "yo-yo-ing" and couldn't have come out on her own. there was nothing i could have done to help her out. she never went into true distress, the healthy little bugger!
her apgars were 9/9 and so looked healthy and robust. she didn't swallow even a drop of meconium, they speculated perhaps because of the cord wrap.Willow only lost 5 oz. during our hospital stay! we roomed in other than a couple of short nursery trips when i was sick, they're incredibly pro-breastfeeding so no problems at all. now, a few hours short of her 1-week birthday, she's back up to her birth weight already. my favorite part of breastfeeding so far is hearing her crazy swallowing noises, the lil' piggy
i felt fantastic up to a few days after the birth. i had so much natural labor, i was still high from it. i'm sure it benefitted both Willow and i greatly to experience all those wonderful hormones. it felt so powerful and beautiful, i kept laughing and saying "i love this!" i'm starting to get more and more sad about the c-birth part of it, but i'm determined to keep celebrating the labor part of it. i want to "turn poison into medicine" and someday i want to get a tattoo on my c-scar, a spiral just like the belly of the little goddess statue i'd made that i held onto during much of labor. i can show Willow the scar someday and teach her about birth, how not to be afraid of it and how to be a strong woman in control of her body and her choices, but also teach her how not everything works as we plan and that it's okay to do whatever you have to do to survive.
yesterday i was freaking out over the c-birth again, and i started chanting "om mani padme hum" slow like i do at the temple. i was holding Willow, and she snapped her eyes open and stared into mine, and reached her hand up and touched my lips! i kept chanting and she just smiled and gazed at me. she remembers her "birth song"
Willow has already gained back up to her birth weight of 5lb 13oz and we're having a good day with lots of latching on and swallowing of milk. i keep weeping, sometimes have to run to another room and let out a loud cry, i feel so damn guilty for grieving over parts of the birth when i have this amazing little being right here smiling peacefully at me. she's all that matters, and she's alive and healthy 
