when do kids usually start to function well in group situations?

[moss]

okay, here's the situation: 3 yo boy doesnt function well in group situations. during sports class, he sits on the sidelines or finds other things to play with while all the other 3 to 5 yr olds are putting balls into the net, etc During storytime at the library, this 3 yo boy climbs all over the place and is 'disruptive' to the group, but at home will sit quietly for an hour or so listening to stories 1:1. Same with music group--sometimes he'll be involved with the group, but half the time, he's off finding other things to do (hiding behind the equipment, etc)

i dont ever see other little kids that behave like my boy, so i'm starting to think that his behaviour isnt normal, but on the other hand, i just dont know. It seems pretty normal to me that a little kid would not always be into the group dynamic thing. i'm almost wanting to have him assessed. He's really hyper/tantrummy unless he's on the feingold diet. When he's eating the right foods, he's mellow, but he's still different than other kids his age. it seems like there might be something else going on, but i think i might be expecting too much from him.

[stafl]

sounds like you have a little introvert! There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe if you read the part about introverts in Raising Your Spirited Child it might help.

My DD is introverted, and very slow to warm up to new people and new situations (even if she already knows the people or has been in that situation before). It just takes her a while to want to interact with other kids. She's cautious and shy at first, but after a while if left alone, will eventually be part of the group activities. If I or anyone else tries to encourage her to participate... well, like most 3 year olds, she will stubbornly dig in her heels and not be budged.
I also have to start talking up any sort of group activities about a week ahead of time, to get her used to the idea that it's coming up so there's no big suprises or big fits about "I don't wanna go." It also helps if we show up early, so she can play with just a few kids at first, and get her warming up time over with before the rest of them arrive. There's nothing more intimidating to her than a big group of children, especially if she doesn't know them all or if they play a little more loudly or roughly than she is used to.

anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with your son. Just respect him for who he is, and don't ever invalidate his feelings or try to force him into things he doesn't want to do or isn't ready to do yet.

[moss]

hm, i'd never really considered that he would be an introvert, but you know, when we show up to his group activities early, he does seem to become part of the group for a little while at the beginning anyways.

i've got Raising Your Spirited Child on hold at the library, hopefully it wont take too long to get to me.

thanks for giving me another perspective.

[littlest birds]

Sounds pretty normal to me. I have twins and this may not make sense but it is true: Dd is not really introverted but is incredibly shy and ds is introverted but not really shy at all.

This means that dd will not get involved with new people and activities and gets tongue-tied when people try to talk to her. She would sit on sidelines. (but she loves people and is very interested in them and wants their attention)

It means that ds happily gets involved in activities and is quite friendly but is oblivious to the idea that he should participate, follow a leader, notice how others feel, or find out how a game will be played. He's in his own world, and he does what matters to himself. He ends up being disruptive, and needs very careful explanations of expectations for all social situations.

Well, maybe technically they are both introverts. But differently expressed. Anyhow, they are almost five. Dd is just slow to get comfortable and is cautious and I think she will always be that way and I love it. Ds still really doesn't grasp or even seem to want to grasp what others want him to do--but he's been progressing. (And it helps in an odd way that my first dd has a bouncy, loud, extrovert, drama queen sort of style that is often overwhelming--I appreciate the twins more in contrast because of how hard dd1's agressiveness has been for me personally.)

It sounds like your ds is doing some of the things both my twins do. Especially just not being connected to organized group activities. And not being a "people person" and taking his cues from other the people in the group as many do. Most of it seems normal, especially for a child who I'm guessing you may have raised in ways that would make him more comfortable with being curious and exploring.

He seems to be stressed from excitement and naturally impulsive. Very normal. I know nothing about the diet...

I think you shouldn't worry unless you have other substantial concerns. Take him and let him sit on the sidelines if he wants to go anyhow--watching can be okay. Or if he doesn't care to go or isn't ready for the behavior expectations, stop going as he doesn't *need* this group experience. There's no hurry.

[Scoodlebug]

My daughter does a lot of the same things you've described. She's in a gymnastics class and I know she really likes it. She talks about it all of the time, talks about her teacher all of the time and does a lot of things she's learned here at home.

However sometimes she will not participate. I've noticed a pattern to it though. There are six kids in her class and when it's just the six of them she does beautifully. Laughs, participates, interacts with the other children and generally has a good time. When her class joins with another class (to do parachute etc) she will either immediately walk to her teacher and glue herself to his leg or she will stand back and mildly participate. If it's the parachute she will but only if she's standing next to her teacher, if it's a dancing line she stands back and doesn't participate.

When I gently talk to her about it she says "there's too many people." I have figured out that Avery just doesn't like crowds. I can't really blame her because I don't either. I wonder if I've passed that on to her.

I do think my daughter has a different personality than most kids her age. She's definitely more intense. Do I think there's something wrong so to speak? No, not really but sometimes it's frustrating. I could give you many more examples than what I've listed above. On the other hand I think she's fabulous and I love that she has some uniqueness to her.

I am also going to find Raising Your Spirited Child after reading this thread.

[moss]

Originally Posted by deeporgarten

It means that ds happily gets involved in activities and is quite friendly but is oblivious to the idea that he should participate, follow a leader, notice how others feel, or find out how a game will be played. He's in his own world, and he does what matters to himself. He ends up being disruptive, and needs very careful explanations of expectations for all social situations.

you just totally described exactly what happens. it's the "his own little world" thing that concerns me.

When I gently talk to her about it she says "there's too many people." I have figured out that Avery just doesn't like crowds. I can't really blame her because I don't either. I wonder if I've passed that on to her.

dh and i were talking about this last night. both of us are more 1:1 people or small group people rather than big group types.

we quit going to the library storytime group. it was just way too stressful for everyone involved. i think we'll keep going to the other groups though. ds seems to like going, even though he's not participating, i think he's still getting something out of it. he talks about the other groups in a positive way.

I'm guessing you may have raised in ways that would make him more comfortable with being curious and exploring.

YES!! LOL that translates in interesting ways in the "real world". it's definitley a contributing factor towards not functioning well as part of the group, but i think that personality is a big part of it too.

I'm wondering if there are any other books that touch on this kind of issue. it looks like i'm going to be waiting for a while for Raising Your Spirited Child, it's a popular book at my library.