getting so excited

[sunbaby]

and imatient. i am only fourteen weeks and it has already begun. i am laying awake at night thinking about the birth and looking forward to getting to know this new person. i cant wait. i am beside myself.

i guess it is partly influences such as the amazing homebirth slide show on the mothering homepage (you must go check it out if you havent already) but i remember this feeling with dd too. now i just wish it was april already. partly i cant imagine loving anyone as much as i love dd, i cant believe it is going to happen again. god and/or mother earth or whoever it is out there has been SO SO kind to allow this. i feel so grateful.

and i am looking forward to knowing wether i am having a boy or a girl. funny thing is, i have girl in my heart, as well as a boy. now this could change as time goes by, but i have a sense of who this child is, depending to some degree on gender. very clear names, too. a girl this time is going to be on the slender side, cuddly, very sweet, quieter, more reserved than dd, almost giving the appearance of frailty (but not necessarily truly frail). i had a very clear dream of holding her close to my chest when she is about the same age as dd is now. a boy is going to have slightly curly hair, that catches sunlight. he will have a very special special softness about his personality, and be like an ember in my heart, as well as having a glowing spirit. which will it be? will the babe actually be like either of these people i imagine at all?

anyone else as nutty as i am?

[proudmamanow]

oh that's beautiful, sunbaby
what a wonderful mama you must be & will be to your next little one

I'm not there yet, perhaps partly b/c its my first, but I know that I also feel very cautious and anxious after 2 previous m/c, and on some level it is hard for me to connect to this baby. (hmm...maybe a good argument for having another u/s)
I am excited about being pg, and love reading about pregnancy and about homebirth and doing prenatal yoga etc. I love looking pg and I love that special feeling overall. But underneath it all is this big what if. I think maybe I will raise this with my midwife next week and see what she says...I think that B feels somewhat the same, the last m/c we were totally attached to that little being which turned out to have been a blighted ovum, and even though we know there's a baby now, it's hard to get too attached.

Not to hijack your thread, though! What you are experiencing is very beautiful and special!

[danaalex]

i haven't given it as much thought as you have, but with dd#2 i thought the baby would be totally differnt than our DD#1. i thought it was going to be a boy and about the same size but would look more like me ( my DD#1 looks just like her daddy).

well, out came a girl LOL, that was 2 lbs bigger than my dd#1 WOW!!!!!! and she looked the EXACT same. they look so much like each other it's crazy. both born with dark hair and now it's blonde, both big at birth but tiny as they grow, same personalities, same mannerisms, started talking the same way, and walking at the same time. it really is insane.

this time, if it's a girl i'm sure she'll be the same as her sisters, and if it's a boy i'll be in SHOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sunbaby]

jesse, that is not a hijack at all. i am very interested to hear how others are feeling on this topic. i can understand how the miscarriages would make you feel cautious and somewhat reluctant to attach. i think that, in combination with awful m/s, is what has kept me backed off until this point. i also think that part of what has allowed me to feel what i am feeling now is that i have gotten to hear a good strong heartbeat two times in the last several days (one time because i was worrying, one time during my official tuesday appt) and gotten lots of reassurance from my midwife. i know you have an appointment coming up and i hope and expect you will get those too, and then i look forward to hearing all about it. i remember until i heard the heartbeat properly, i was walking around telling family members that i was pregnant, but that did not guarantee that i would for sure have a baby in april, and i got some wierd looks. most could not understand how i was so detached, so i think i understand where you might be coming from.

also, i think you are right that it has to do with this being my second, with dd i didnt really have clear sense until i was 38 weeks! like danaalex, i walked around sure i was having a boy. and truly, i couldnt even quite comprehend that i was going to have a real little human in my my care, i mean i KNEW, but just couldnt wrap my brain around it.

danaalex, that is so funny. i know my visions may be way off, and i am so curious to find out. i cant imagine this baby being like dd. that seems so impossible, but i guess we will see. i really enjoy hearing from moms who already have more than one, because of their insights and experience in such issues.

[Stream]

i couldnt even quite comprehend that i was going to have a real little human in my my care

I *still* don't really comprehend that! For whatever reason, being pregnant and having a baby are very distinct experiences to me. There's a bit of disconnect between the two-- like, obviously I know they are inextricably related, but in my brain it just doesn't quite work that way. I still don't really make the connection that the child I carried when I was pregnant with dd *is* dd. I know that sounds strange, but they're just such different concepts to me. Difficult to explain.

On the same note, with dd, and I imagine with this baby as well, I was not one to be super-attached before or even right at birth. It took time for me to really grow to be in love with her-- I loved her from the beginning because she was my child, but I really didn't experience that love-at-first-sight thing that a lot of women (like my mom!) do. I've since found many women who shared my experience-- gradually goring into love instead of the lightning-bolt type-- which has been comforting. Sometimes I wonder too if the delayed reaction was just a product of being extremely exhausted and a bit hazy on everything that was going on by then. I guess I can't really know.

Hmmm... hope that doesn't make me sound heartless, because that's certainly not how I feel! I'm enjoying being pregnant again and feel incredibly blessed (ok, not so much when I was throwing up last night), but I think the real connection to this kiddo probably has to wait a bit. Funny how we all work just a little differently...

[sunbaby]

doesnt make you sound the least bit heartless stream. i have a friend who after 24 hours of labor finally birthed her girl, and when they handed the babe to her, she was just got a good look but about holding her was like, *um, no thanks.* and she turned out to be a great mom, just a very tired one at that moment.

i, on the other hand, am impatient, about everything, generally. when dd came out, i got all tangled up in the umbilical cord i tried to reach around so fast to grab her. i think my exact words were 'MY BABY.' pretty much the next thought was, boy or girl? but like you, i cared for her because she was my baby, and that was the main evidence of my love. that deep joy feeling like *oh this person is so wonderful* i didnt feel consistently until about a year later.

[sarajane]

It is neat to hear how you all are feeling at this point. I'm glad I found a forum just for those due around the same time I am. I go to another site as well and all those getting impatient are much farther along than I am so I feel rude telling how impaitient I am already.

I just can't wait! Somedays all I do is read about babies and think about what labor will be like and how I will feel when I first see her. I say her, we don't know yet but I have a feeling. I had a dream about her and she looked kinda like I did as a baby only her eyes were a blue in between the bright blue color of hubby's eyes and the deep dark of mine and her hair was a little lighter of a brown color.