Do you think you make FF'ers uncomfortable?

[HelloKitty]

I was having a conversation with my SIL the other day and what she said really bothered me. I'm starting a Mom's Club here and am getting ready to have my first open house and invite people to it. She asked me about how it was going and I mentioned that I thought I might attend the local LLL meeting and see if any of the women there might like to come.

She said "Well are you sure you want to do that, if you do then no bottle feeding mothers are going to want to go." I'm like "Huh? Why would you say that? I plan on inviting other women from other sources as well." and she said "Yeah but the women that go to those meetings are very militant and if they are part of your group then no bottle feeding mother is going to want to join because she will feel uncomfortable."

Now just so you have a little background my SIL did breastfeed so she's not anti-breastfeeding.

I've never attended a LLL meeting so I can't comment, however I would guess that the women there are very much like me! I'm very pro-BFing but I don't believe I've EVER said anything to a bottle feeding mother that would make her feel uncomfortable!? I mean I'm sure there are some women out there that would say something but I tend to think that's the exception and not the rule.

What do you think? (I of course am inviting them!)

Kitty

[HoneymoonBaby]

It doesn't make me uncomfortable when I see breastfeeding moms. It just makes me wistful. I wish nursing had worked for us.

I'm proud of moms who breastfeed.

[MommytoTwo]

I absolutely think so, and I am the most un-militant breastfeeder there is. My son was FF so I have no issues with FFing moms, nor do I have a right to- as I was one! That said, whenever I nurse the baby now in our playgroup people avoid eye contact with me and will apologize if they even come near me. I put a receiving blanket around the baby - the only way you'd see boob was if you actually stood over me and looked down. At first I felt bad- like here I was making all these people uncomfortable and then I realized - not my problem. Thats what boobs are for.

[LovemyBoo]

I hope not. I'm the only ebf'ing, cd'ing, on-the-crunchy side mom in my mom's group. I ff my first, it was a lesson in how NOT to start a bf-ing relationship, so I'm in no position to judge anyone.

I just feed Boo when she wants it, I try to be discreet, and if it makes anyone uncomfortable....well that's not my problem as I see it. Nobody's bottle is making me uncomfortable.

[BBerryBliss]

I understand what your SIL is talking about. I FF due to complications from PCOS and I feel horribly guilty even thou it is out of my hands what I feed my child.

The guilt I feel for FF is sometimes overwhelming. When we go out I try to plan around when I know Alex will be hungry so I don't have to feed him in public. I have been called a child abuser for FFing him by a stranger, and I see how women talk, here and on other message boards, about how horrible FFers are. I don't feel like I can stand up for myself because most, not all BFers refuse to beleive that someone can actually not be able to BF thier child.

Sorry for that mini emo moment.

If I was invited to go to a moms group where I knew BFers whould be, I would be hesitant to go, for fear of being judged. Heck I can't even get up the guts to go to the Portland SnB because I am afriad to feed Alex a bottle in front of fellow MDCers.

ETA- Once I feel comfortable around people I know who BF it's a different story. I love that they BF and I try to advocate BFing when ever I can, but it's hard to tell someone you see BFing that they are doing something wonderful, when I am standing there feeding my son a bottle of formula.

[HelloKitty]

Tina - I got the same type of reaction when I joined a Gymboree class and was the only BF'er there, the women wouldn't look at me or in same cases even gave me dirty looks.

I guess I can understand them being uncomfortable in that respect, but the way she said it like it was sooo serious that they wouldn't want to be part of a mommy group because of it really shocked me. I mean she knows that I would be BFing during the group so I don't get it. I think she seems to think they will be more then just breastfeeding - that they will actually make the FF'ing mothers feel bad type of thing. But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

[HelloKitty]

Awww Heather! You poor thing.

I'm so sorry that you feel that way or that anyone actually had the nerve to call you abusive, that's just not right.

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

[Mrs Dimples]

Even if you really are inclusive and go out of your way to not "make" anyone uncomfortable, (as if it isn't their choice to feel uncomfortable) some people who know they could have made different choices that would have been better for he health of their babies are going to feel defensive and guilty and may choose not to put themselves in that position. I would actually go out of my way to include both breast- and formula-feeding mamas because maybe the FFs could be exposed to BFing and would come to see it differently in time, and maybe be more motivated to try BFing in the future. I have never been to an LLL meeting, I don't know why people have this conception that if one person at one LLL meeting is "pushy", then every BFer in the world is also pushy...I mean, if you met one blond and she was tall, would you automatically asuume all blondes are tall? If you met one Mexican guy who liked to read science fiction, would you assume all Mexicans have their noses in Isaac Asimov all day? If you walk around with a chip on your shoulder, much of what you preceive wil be colored by that and you will probably find what you are looking for, just like with anything. You cannot control people's attitudes, prejudices, and perceptions. All you can do is put correct information and influence out there and try to help them find it.

[Mrs Dimples]

ETA: Of course, I am not looking down on FFers categorically. I do feel that CHOOSING to FF without a compelling medical reason is a poor choice. I certainly do understand mamas who have problems BFing, do a quick search of my posts and you will get my story... When I bottlefed my son in public I also felt self-conscious, but it was because I knew people would automatically assume it was formula and FF is not normal to me and I didn't want to promote it, even though I wasn't doing it! : How's that for complicated. However, I am of the opinion that if you truly COULD not BF for whatever reason, then you just need to be strong in your mind and heart and not let it get to you. I mourn that loss every single day. I think I always will. But I am very proud of the choice I made and the effort I put into pumping for my son and I'll be damned if anyone will make me feel less of a mother for it. You've just got to hold your head up high and know that if, in fact, you really DID NOT have a choice then that's just the end of the story. No one knows your heart but you.

[kate-astrophe]

I'm in a mommy's group that has both bf'ers and ff'ers. We all started out bf-ing but many people quit by 3-6 months. For a long time it was about an even split. Now that our kids are 2, I may be the only bf'er left.

I think it's important have contact with people from both "sides" of the issue. In my experience, most moms are understanding once they get to know each other. Feeding choices aren't the only things moms can have in common and bond over.

-Kate

[zinemama]

I've been far more uncomfortable with comments made by lactivists on this board about ff moms than anything else. And even these women, when pressed, have admitted that irl they'd never make similar comments to a ff mother. Perhaps the venting that people do here makes it seem that bf mamas are "mean" to ff mamas.

I had to ff my first ds (a huge disappointment) and I never felt uncomfortable around breastfeeding mothers. I felt envious, sure, but mostly I loved to hear their stories and to learn from them. They were my role models for successfully bf my second ds. I think that is a more likely outcome from having both at your group.

[FoxintheSnow]

OMG Damiarayne, I could have written your post word for word. Whenever I go to certain playgroups or events where I know LLL active people will be I go through a mental checklist. I make sure DS has had a bottle before we go and I load him up on solids while we're there. Some of them know I FF but I feel like if they see it, they will REALLY KNOW. This is kind OT but I at home I do sposies half time/cloth diaper half time. Stroller half time/sling half time but when Im with them I only do cd and sling. Also, my son is circed (no flames please) so I always change his diaper in private so no one will see. I dont know why I feel like I need to degrade myself for them. I have another playgroup of BFers but they are extremely kind and understanding of my situation so I never feel uncomfortable around them. But they are not the judging type.



So anyway to answer your question HelloKitty I would invite both people BUT if and of the LLL people say anything rude snarky or just plain mean to the ffers or gossip about them I would stick up for them. (and vice versa)

[Evergreen]

In my experience LLL is very unmilitant.

I would invite both and have a good time.

Around here, the FFers are more likely to be rude to the BFers than vice versa, but I doubt anyone will have a problem with anyone else based on feeding style.

[USAmma]

I am a ff mom twice over and I don't think I'd be uncomfortable with it as long as everyone was discrete and not in-your-face about bfing vs. ffing.

There's no point in trying to talk about the great benefits of breastmilk or how great your bond is because you bf. I think everyone knows that already, even ff moms. The ff might feel very out of place if it turned into a mini LLL meeting. Some of them might even be hurt because they may have sincerely tried to bf.

Try to stick to other topics of conversation besides feeding until everyone knows where everyone else stands and is respectful of feelings. I think if people are mature about it they can all be friends.

Good luck with your meeting!

Darshani

[Milakais]

I go to LLL and I don't think I make FF moms uncomfortable. I comsider myself an advocate, but I advocate gently... by simply by breastfeeding myself, by providing information where ever it can do some good (eg - moms to be still making their decision, moms struggling with BF who need support, correcting misinformation when I come across it, etc.), and acting positive about breastfeeding in general... but I make a point to try to never make a woman feel judged or guilty if they ended up bottlefeeding. I wouldn't want to make *any* mother feel judged. Plus, I don't see how doing so would do any good... if anything, it may just create animosity between them and those who breastfeed.

[Milakais]

Also, a lot of the moms who I find come out to an LLL meeting are simply new moms who are looking for a bit of help and support with their breastfeeding issues... I wouldn't call them particularly militant.

[Mrs Dimples]

Reading some of the other responses made me realize...the whole world isn't the BF S&A forum on MDC! : I forget sometimes that there is much more to a playgroup, or a gathering of friends and mothers than feeding methods. I advocate for BF and support and help nursing moms for a living, then I come home and hang out here, so I kind of have tunnel vision sometimes...: I am sure that most of the women you invite will not use BF vs. FF as the deciding factor in whether or not they are welcome. We here are all very aware of it, obviously, but not everyone is. Not that that is a good thing or a bad thing, I just think it won't make that much of a difference to most people. I know it doesn't in the playgroup that I go to sometimes in my neighborhood. HTH!