does your husband look at porn? - Page 2

[alexisyael]

Personally, I am pro-porn. We have watched together, we have watched/ looked at porn separately. The issue for me is when it is secretive (we made a pact when we started TTC that he would limit masturbation at certain times of the month. However, he forgot to clear the cache on his browser and I later found the porn and thought he'd been masturbating while I was about to ovulate -- we talked about it, and he reassured me he hadn't been. But at that time, it was a secrecy issue. And like I said, we cleared it up.)

Seems to me, tho, like the self-esteem issues are a bigger deal here. Does your DH tell you how beautiful you are? Do you tell yourself how beautiful you are? If not, get to it! (Remind your DH you want/ need to hear him tell you how beautiful you are...)

[Oregonicmama]

DP and I bought a copy of Hustler on a long road trip about a year ago...and then we bought several more! : We both have fantasies that we could never make happen IRL, so the magazines are a nice outlet. We have also learned some new positions and techniques from the porn that we never would have thought of on our own. Sorry if TMI...

Now that I am pregnant I don't really like him looking at it on the computer too much. It doesn't make me feel inadequate, it just makes me kind of irritated that he got me pregnant and now he wants to look at non-preg chicks naked. But looking at porn with preg women would just be gross (IMO). LOL

I like porn and it has definitely opened new doors for exploration and openess in our sex life. We have DSL, so we can download movies and stuff. But from getting on those sites, now DP's email is inundated with porn ads, and that is annoying. Just checking his email he has to look at porn (he opens the messages so he can unsubscribe, otherwise, he'll have over 100 new messages a day!). I have to remind myself of this b/c a lot of the time I get irritated about the porn, he's just checking his email.

DP tells me I'm hot, not a lot, but enough. And I know I look good, and really think I look better than a lot of the girls in the porn (and by the way, i'm a bit shy of an A cup). I look this good naturally, without make up, and they have to have surgery and tons of make up to make men look at them. HAHA!!! All I have to do is walk down the street....heehee...

The only thing Dp has said in terms of changing myself that he got from the porn was doing something about my pubs (which were pretty long and unruley). So I said I'd try it, and I like it better with them gone, or trimmed! So what do you know, maybe i can take a tip from the pornstars anyway. lol

If it really bothers you, just talk to him about it. When I thought DP was looking at it too much (without me) I told him and did a little gentle teasing (i think your spending too much time with your girlfriends, etc) and he listened. One time he pleasured himself instead of GIO with me (while I was putting DD to bed) and that really pissed me off. I told him and later on we had great sex anyway!

[subeetaho]

Okay- here's a little reply from a voice of experience, but maybe not as extreme as you may think. What's really sick is how common this really is:

My EX husband not only had a porn problem (magazines, and internet use) but it led him toward looking at kids!!!! I found that his interest in young, eighteen types was upsetting cuz I was thirty... but it got worse, and I found some VERY bad things downloaded on my computer after I left him
This problem even reared its ugly head in the bedroom, he wouldn't touch me unless I put my hair in pigtials and called him daddy...(ugh needless to say there was abuse going on as well)

I had to have my 2 yr old daughter examined because the sheriff wanted to know if she had been hurt in that way... (inconclusive - we may never know)

and he still says that he was brainwashed by the ads in the magazines and the whole porn industry, and that he doesn't need therapy, he can just stop...

I don't know, but I have zero tolerance for that sort of thing now... I tried to get into it with him to soften the need, but it just gave him more excuse to be blatant with it. it is hurtful, degrading, and very abusive to everyone involved, I think it is one of the few true evils of the world... terrible stuff

sorry to come off so harsh, but it really has been something to consider...I had to do alot of talking about this in therapy, and it was never something I enjoyed, but tolerating something you are uncomfortable with for the sake of your marriage is not cool.

[charmarty]

only with charmarty right there beside him

Seroiusly, once in a while it is good for us to pop in a video.

[charmarty]

Wow sub, we x posted. I am sory your experience was so bad

[marisa]

Nope, my husband never has and he doesn't want to. We are very open about the subject, and he has told me that the porno chicks are nasty and fake, and he prefers the real thing (me). Suits me just fine.

[lunamomma]

I was wondering how any of you would handle your children looking at it...... would the ole do as I say not as I do thing apply. While I think that masturbation is perfectly normal, butI hate the porn industry( it supports drugs, alcohol, children, teens mistreatment of human beings). Just think of the college students that mess up their lives because of drinking and shagging 50 guys etc.

It does add feelings of inadequacy to many women's lives and it is the same as the fashion, makeup and beauty industry... It sells false dreams. It gives women contradictory expectations- "Eve/Mary" complex. We are suppose to nurse our babies in a g string and leather bra etc. That is what I really don't like.

Try tantra, get books, dress up , play games, but be creative with your partner don't passively let others control your sex life.

My dh and I really enjoy our sex life, maybe it is our spiritual beliefs(mutual respect for our bodies and spirits). we are not ashamed of sex, but sex sells everything in our culture did anyone ever think why is done and do we really want to have to justify it to our children?

If we are so conscious about how we nurture our children, what we feed them, if we vaccinate, co sleep and are ready to defend that at every turn, It seems odd that we would want to raise our children to accept the current status quo (everybody watches it syndrome) I hate to sound critical, but I wouldn't want my son or daughter thinking that the porn industry is okay. I don't support it because it doesn't reflect my values as a human being and feel it is unneccessary and deprives us of our own sexual creativity.

Just my $.02
Bah, Bah, Black sheep

[China white]

lunamomma Well said!!

[kavamamakava]

He looks at it and it doesn't bother me in the least. But the funny thing is that he hides it. He clears the cache and if he downloads it, he names the folders things like "system". He's a very secretive person. He also locks the bathroom door when he's in there and won't walk around the house naked either. He's an only child raised by a single mom. I guess things were just different in his house.
We sometimes make our own porn. I really don't care what other women look like. I've noticed that the women he looks at usually have something that I've got like he'll look at blondes and redheads because I'm somewhere in between or women with large behinds (because I'm pregnant and mine has gotten huge. haha). I don't feel that our sex is lacking due to his porn entertainment so it has never bothered me.
Do you feel ok bringing your feelings up to him about it? Maybe he wanted to look at tits that were the same size as yours? You don't need to feel self conscious. Most men wouldn't touch women in the porn industry with a ten foot pole if they actually saw them in person. You never know if they are the type to take care of themselves or if they are disease spreaders/carriers.

[Mami]

taralee - There is no reason why you should be OK with this if you simply are not. Don't suppress yourself to please your husband - no good can possibly come of that. I find his response a little unnerving, that it's none of your business... Obviously he does not feel completely OK with it himself, otherwise there would be no need to tell you to shove off(forgive me if I'm misinterpreting). Maybe he could share with you what he gets out of porn that he doesn't get from you and maybe that could open doors to him understanding himself better.

To those mamas who are OK with their SO looking at porn, I guess if it works for you I'm not going to argue with it. But I agree with lunamomma and subeetaho (so sorry about what you've had to go thru). Sure you could watch porn and maybe even get into it and maybe that would make your husband feel more OK about his actions, but if that is going to mean stifling that little voice inside that feels yucky I say it ain't right.

I used to look at porn when I was a teenager, just finding out about sex, in fact my first exposure to sex was thru porn - isn't that sad, a completely skewed perspective on the act of making love...

My hubby does not look at porn and I'm proud to say that it disgusts him when his buddies at work talk about it. To me it's a very mature perspective and I really appreciate it because I know it's rare for a man.

I don't think there's anything *wrong* with looking at porn per se, but when you're in a satisfying relationship it certainly makes me wonder why you would want to. My previous boyfriend used to get into porn and he shared with me that it was really an addiction for him, he'd do it and then not like himself in the morning. I also think that our society does make it far too acceptable and statistics show that every pedophile, sexual sicko, etc started with a playboy...

[jody824]

lunamomma brought up something that reminded me about something! my ds(5 1/2 @ the time) went to another state with my ILs to see SIL and when he returned home, he told us his cousin(11 @ the time) went into his parents room and snuck out a movie they watched and it had "women licking other women, and lucys and pee pees in it" well my mouth hit the floor. The first thing we said was that wasnt right of him to sneak in his parents room and get into stuff that belonged to him and that it was just a movie(which he never mentioned again). Then I called SIL to tell her what I was told because she is very active in a church and we thought "what if that was a kid from church and the cousing brought that out then that kid went and told his parents" and she said she would handle it and it was never mentioned again. Did we say and do the right thing?
THEN........our dd caught my dh and I having sex last year when she was 9. She woke up in the night to go to the bathroom and walked right into our room. We told her that it was something married people do and when our door is shut, she should knock. WELL, now when we shut the door, if she hears it, she starts crying hysterically and screaming "you guys are sick". I dont know how to handle this. My dh and I have a very healthy and active sex life after 12 yrs of being together finally and I dont know when a good time is that she wont catch us because she is such a light sleeper and when she does catch us, I dont know what to say. Anyone with any advice?

[banana]

"it is hurtful, degrading, and very abusive to everyone involved, I think it is one of the few true evils of the world... terrible stuff"

I agree with this. It is not just looking at sex between consenting adults that I find to be a problem it is all the violence, degregation, humiliation, that sadly, is part and parcel of the whole 'porn' thing.

Taralee - it saddens me to think that you are not comfortable with your dh viewing porn but yet you will angrily 'shave your pubes' in an attempt to comply with some image. JMO. I will probably offend many posters by saying this, but I think that woman who 'agree' with porn do so because they may unconsciously believe that they have no choice. Porn is a massive massive industry - it is accepted in our society.

FTR - at the beginning of my marriage my hus looked at porn regularly on the internet, I asked him to stop, now we are going through a separation for many reasons and he is back to looking at porn again.

I, personally, will do everything in my power to try and encourage my dd not to 'buy' the image of a woman's body as a commodity and something that she has to try and attain to get the approval of men! This is very difficult when society is constantly telling woman otherwise.

[guerrillamama]

I will probably offend many posters by saying this, but I think that woman who 'agree' with porn do so because they may unconsciously believe that they have no choice.

You got that right, I'm offended. I just love it when other feminists try to liberate me by telling me what I *really* think and feel and believe. That is so empowering. (FTR, I am a proud, dedicated feminist.)

I'm not really interested in arguing w/ you about porn - I've had that debate many times IRL and I don't feel like getting into it. In any case I'm trying to STAY AWAY FROM MDC right now and take a much needed hiatus to get some frickin work done. I just wanted to pop in to ask you to please not intentionally offend people. I don't think that's much to ask. If you think you're going to offend people, then you probably are, and there's probably a more respectful way to say it.

[AahRee]

No, it's not something either of us are interested in. I wouldn't like it if DH decided it was something he wanted to do, either. Fortunately, it has never been an issue for us.

[subeetaho]

Hey, I am sorry if someone thinks that it threatens thier "liberated" status to disagree with the pron thing... but it IS a big issue worldwide for womens and human rights and leads to enslavement of thousands of girls...even here in our own country! did anyone see the 20/20 story in May about porn -very scary stuff... the women that show up to do a film are rarely told what is required of them until they get there and then are practically forced to make it look like the enjoy it... ugh. too close to public rape for my taste.

anyway, for those of you who are interested, there are lots of anti-porn sites and coalitions out there. some are more religious than I would persoanlly prefer, but there's some important info... like studies that show that porn in psychologically addictive, and that the pleasure center is more powerful than the response to eat, and that looking at porn can lead to obsession and needing to look at more porn.... and I do believe that it led to my hubby being sucked into kiddieporn - the images just build on themselves and create a need for more images

I guess I am just a big advocate for people to be more tantric and respectful in sexuality...I think it is a responsibility for parents to show the love factor in sex to their kids... kids are exposed to enough sexual violence in everyday media... marriage should be a safe haven from that.
but that's just my opinion....

love & light -

[CarrieMF]

I could care less if dh wanted to watch porn, buy some magazines or go to a strip joint. It does not bother me and it's not because I think I need to accept it, I just honestly don't give a crap if that's what he wants to look at. I don't look at it myself because it doesn't do anything for me. I don't care if my girls see playboy or whatever other magazine dh has downstairs, I teach them the realities of what women & men look like and tricks of the trade. When they're older and can understand more they'll be taught what happens at, during or before/after a shoot. They are also taught the beauty of a body and to appreciate themselves.

From what I can see on this topic, a woman's self esteem is a huge factor in whether she accepts her SO viewing porn.

[Mami]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

From what I can see on this topic, a woman's self esteem is a huge factor in whether she accepts her SO viewing porn.

I see that this must be the other side of the coin of what banana said. I personally don't think it holds water Carrie. The fact is that we all have self esteem issues at times, some more than others of course, but just because I am not OK with porn does not mean that I have low self esteem. It's a clever argument to make though and a person with low self esteem might easily buy into it, because it feeds on the idea that if I disagree it must mean that there is something wrong with me. No f*%$ink way! I don't buy that crap anymore, maybe when I was younger and more impressionable...

guerillamama - Why should banana not express her opinion just because it's gonna offend people?

And subeetaho - I totally agree

[guerrillamama]

guerillamama - Why should banana not express her opinion just because it's gonna offend people?

a) I think it really bugged me because she said "I know this is gonna offend a lot of people but..." so it was completely intentional. As I said, there was probably a more respectful way to say what she wanted to say, and she just didn't care enough to do that.

b) Like I said, I always find it ironic when feminists presume to know what other women think and feel - which is exactly what sexism has done to us throughout the ages. So it wasn't just the fact that it was offensive, it was the way in which it was offensive.

Reasonable minds can differ on the porn issue. I am not offended or threatened by the anti-porn position. But just like you were offended by Carrie presuming to know all about your self-esteem issues, I was offended by Banana presuming to know my subconscious thoughts and feelings.

[alexisyael]

jody824 -- it sounds to me like you need to start doing some reading/ educating with your dd. It's totally normal for kids to get grossed out by their parents, but to have her so upset and screaming... well, that is a problem, I can tell! (Does she have a lot of issues about human sexuality, I wonder?)

Anyway, there are a lot of sex-positive books for parents and kids these days... I'm sure they can even be found in Borders/ amazon.com!

To weigh in on the issue subeetaho brought up (and mama, I am very sorry you had to deal with that situation!) the problem with your husband wasn't that he liked porn, it's that he liked pediphilic (sp?) porn! And no, looking at "normal" porn does not lead to looking at kiddie porn. Absolutely not. People who are into pedeophilia have always been into it. They are just more easily able to find it nowadays. Gross, I know, but it isn't the fault of regular porn.

Also, I think it's just laughable that someone else would try to say that the reason I like porn is that subconciously I don't feel I have a choice! : : : You're so right on -- throughout human history, human beings (male and female) have always gotten off on looking at one another! Now we just have the technology to make it accesible and cheap to watch Not the attitude you were thinking of, I'm sure, but I find absolutely NOTHING wrong with looking at other adult human beings in a sexual way.

I have a problem with it when it crosses boundaries (unconsensual sex, unconsenual pictures, kiddie porn and animal porn for example...)

And I have a problem with it when people lie and sneak around. And I have a problem with cheating.

I will have no problem with my child watching age appropriate porn. None. There are developemental stages for what is appropriate, and what can signal a problem (having been molested, for example). And just like my kid won't want to think about his/ her parents having sex, I won't want to think about my kid masturbating or having sex, either... but it will happen. That's human nature!

[jstar]

i haven't even thought about porn in terms of raising my child. hot sex with my husband is in a separate compartment in my brain when the time comes to be paranoid about ds snooping in our stuff i think we'll put it in teh safe or something. i'll do what i can to protect him from it but if he's anything like me that's how i found out about sex (at friend's houses). my parents didn't have any. some kids will seek it out and be curious. sad fact.

i watch porn because it turns me on. (some of it--theres such a HUGE range in quality and explict-ness and theme.) some of it is fun and hot and some is gross. i don't watch it because i 'don't have a choice.'

and i agree with the poster who wrote it could exacerbate problems in a marriage that is already having problems. you have to feel safe and secure together to have fun with it