does your husband look at porn? - Page 3

[drea2447]

I haven't read all the pp to this, but I was so happy to see this thread. My husband and I have major computer porn issues. He doesn't look at magazines, or watch videos, which I totally have no problems with. I don't know why I take such offense to the computer porn. I feel like the computer makes it to easy for exploitation of young and possibly underage girls. It is hard to have a "paper trail". I feel like the publishers of porn mags and videos are held somewhat accountable. They have to file signed forms and proof of age. I know that alot people who are involved in the industry may not be the most honest people, but I'm sure alot of people do play by the rules. There are even some X-rated video producers that are women who do their best to produce porn that does not exploit women and is for the enjoyment of women.

I have no problem with my husband masturbating, but I hate when I know that he uses the computer for images to fuel this. When we talk about it he tells me that it is not my business. We have argued over this many times before. It doesn't affect our sex life and he doesn't do it in excess. Sometimes I wonder if it is just my jealousy. I have looked at the things that he's been looking at to check it out. It's funny that alot of the girls do look similiar to me. Which kinda of bothers me in a way. I think that the porn would bother me less, if the women looked more like, well, a "porn star".

My husband and I have kind of reached a medium that works for us. He only uses the computer for this when no one is home, except for himself. (rare) That way there is no chance of myself, or any of the kids walking in and possibly seeing any of it. It also makes me less paranoid when he is sitting on the computer. I can honestly see how this can cause a major porn addiction for some people. It's easy to get, free for the most part, and available 24 hours a day at the click of a button.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

From what I can see on this topic, a woman's self esteem is a huge factor in whether she accepts her SO viewing porn.

Perhaps you're right, but not the way you think. It's BECAUSE I have self-esteem that I stood up to my porn-viewing husband.

[mountain]

Anybody wanna hear my opinion?...well, too bad. here it is anyway.

There's porn out there that makes me want to get sick in my boots. Women are paid to be subjugated into lower-class, violence-ridden, weaker situations. The women getting paid to do this are not really proud of themselves, and I can only imagine the awful morons that they have to work with, the "idea men". Not the kind of lifestyle I want to support. It creates a whole rotten cycle of "demean myself for cash" that is so prevalent in the US---sell your soul for $.

I could look at porn, but I choose to have a raunchy and fiery time with my p instead. I could not deal with the disrespect it would mirror onto me if he was a porn drooler. I think it could be used respectfully, but you'd have to be SO careful about WHAT movies you got, WHO is in them, it would be virtually impossible to keep it respectful. I've yet to see a porn ad that is appealing & highlights the beauty of the body.

[boston]

Originally Posted by jody824

lnow when we shut the door, if she hears it, she starts crying hysterically and screaming "you guys are sick". I dont know how to handle this.

I would focus on getting her used to having the door shut at night. If that's the norm every night, then she won't know when you're doing it and when you're not. Just inform her that you're going to sleep with the door closed every night because you want privacy and that she should knock first. And tell her it's not fair to call you "sick," either.

[boston]

I am hearing a lot of really holier than thou stuff on this thread and I don't like it much. There are problems in the porn industry. but that doesnt make all porn bad. I am not going to discuss the pros and cons of porn here because clearly, this group is very polarized about the topic. but I do want to point out that just because you don't watch it, doesn't make you a better person than someone who does. and I think it's so cute that this whole discussion is centered on what "your dh does," instead of "what you do." Like people will simply faint away if we start discussing ourselves as sexual creatures who like to fuck.

[Lucysmama]

Not anymore. He had a problem with some inappropriate porn, and I almost left him over it. He doesn't keep any in the house anymore at all, and doesn't use the computer for it, to my knowledge.

I have no problem with porn in general, or with masturbation, but some people can develop a real addiction to it, where you need more shocking things all the time to get that same rush. That was my dh's problem. It took him down a bad road. So I think it is not unlike alchohol - fine for some people, but in others can create large problems and/or addiction. I have no doubt that couples can and do enjoy porn together or solo in a healthy way - but not everyone's marriage can handle it. Mine can't, because my dh can't do it in a healthy way, and I cannot trust him not to get sucked back into the addiction.

[~Nikki~]

Yes, he looks at it. I think the only time it really bothered me was when I was about 7 months pregnant, and felt fat and ugly and very un-sexy. I felt like looking at porn was his "escape" from me. In retrospect, I was ridiculously hormonal, and everything set me off. It doesn't bother me now. I certainly wouldn't say he has an addiction. He looks at it when he's bored. It's never interfered in our relationship. We've looked at it together occasionally, and have even watched a porn or two on late night TV (the soft-core ones that come on around 11pm).

I've had conversations with his friends about it. He's pretty tame compared to them. They were sitting around bragging one night about how many GIGS of porn they had on their computers. DH doesn't save it onto his computer, he just peruses it from time to time. So I figure he's not as obsessed as some of his friends. Of course, his friends are single.

I was wondering how any of you would handle your children looking at it...... would the ole do as I say not as I do thing apply.

Yep, it would. There are lots of things that adults do (having sex, drinking, buying lottery tickets, etc.) that aren't appropriate for children to do. I don't know of a single man that didn't look at porn as a teen. My daughter isn't even 2, so I don't think I'll have to worry about it for awhile. But if she gets curious in her teens, it wouldn't even be in my power to stop her from looking at porn. You can't suppress your children forever. You can tell them what's right and wrong, but you can't control their sexual curiousity.

As for younger kids, it's not that hard to monitor internet use, or put filters on your computer. Even if you and DH are completely pure, pornographically speaking, that doesn't mean your kids won't peek around for it on the net.

[jody824]

Originally Posted by boston

but I do want to point out that just because you don't watch it, doesn't make you a better person than someone who does.

You are absolutely right!! I think everyone has skeletons in their closets when it comes to sex!!!

[Throkmorton]

It was a huge issue around here for the longest time. Would it bug me if I caught him looking at porn on the computer again? You betcha. Mostly because I have explained to him my point of view on it...

Do I care if other people look? Nope. Go nuts.

[lunamomma]

I think it is unfair to assume that everyone has looked at porn. i have not and neither has dh. we discuss this all the time(especially since i'm in grad school studying anthropology) Just because people in the west find it "normal" doesn't mean that everyone cross culturally does. "normal" is relative. Try spending some time out of the country and doing field work and you will not feel so pleased about the exploitation of women and children all in the name of satisfying the patriarchy. The sex industry is about survival, some women make huge profits, most do not.

While I respect everyone's right/desire etc to watch it, I simply posed a few questions earlier and said it does not fit with dh and my value system. There are a lot of things that I will educate my children about- porn and the explotation of women is one of them- I can't stop them from looking just like I can't stop them from eating meat when they get older. I can give them the tools and alternatives and let them decide. masturbation is healthy and normal, but it can be done in a way that does not support an industry that supports the patriarchy. that was my point.

As for the remark about everyone has sexual skeletons in their closets- you should pm me because once again you are making a broad and unsubstantiated statement that isn't fair and based on ignorant assumptions. please read the whole thread and you will find those who are pro- porn and those against it. We could in the same thread then address the concept of beauty and each of us would have different answers about that.

anthropologists have shown that the sexuality of human kind is complex and layered-and words used to describe erotica and fantasies differ from culture to culture. For instance the words fuck, shag, screw are not seen as a turn on in many cultures. They are culture specific.
Ideally I would like to see an industry in which women control and profit from the sex industry- i think the industry would look very different if women ran it- i don't see this happening in american porn industry. women are NOT distributors nor are they licensing in large groups- therefore they are mostly taking orders and trying to control their bodies and sexuality as best they can- just like most industries in the U.S.- hardly a dream come true.

[marisa]

once again, lunamomma,

[subeetaho]

Porn is not harmless...

There is SO much I agree with, Lunamomma... and there are ppl that will not see it as a dangerous thing as long as they are looking at it.
I have to bring up the point made earlier that if someone has an addiction, they are in danger of partaking of the more awful side of porn. I saw it with my dh - and yes, left him for many other reasons, but the porn was infiltrating our sex life, too...

I am still having nightmares about my daughter being in danger from this man's addictions, and even though somebody here said it is NOT related because he is a pedophile - I know for a fact that the industry promotes and encourages pedophilia... look at the ads in the magazines for "tight, young, p*ssy" and tell me we aren't paying into an industry that seeks to exploit and demean our daughters!

I have a 12 yr old, and though my ex said that if he wasn't looking at porn by this age there was "something wrong" with him... I say let the kid enjoy his legos as long as he's willing! When he actually shows signs of wanting to be a sexual being (which in normal boys can take till they are 15...) THEN we'll discuss the gamut of pleasure, masturbation, porn, etc...and he will know that what he sees in those pictures is NOT about love or reality...that force and demeaning acts are not the norm in respectful relationships...and he can decide to be a man who has a better knowledge of sex, and what a woman deserves... not the illusion of control or "glamorous rape" that the industry feeds our men.

excuse me for being blunt, but my opinion is that it is a dangerous thing, whether you and your dh engage in it together or not..

I choose to find a man in my future who thinks the same way as I do about this! Hope there are still some out there!

[taralee]

all the A cups in the house!!!

hi all, i started this post, i appreciate your responses, i am not offended by any of it, only find it interesting. we are all so different. i have since explored many aspects of this, like masturbation (women) vs (men) and that. i have also looked at boob jobs. yes i have really gone through some stuff. anyway i am at end of this ordeal. i don't want boob job, i do like my body, mostly, and yes i will make my children more "aware of what is going on out there" i am not going to tell my daughter my it is "ok to take loads of drugs and fuck everyone" but rather let her know that yes men and some women like porn and try to explain why. and also encourage her to masturbate if she feels she wants to. these things are issues for me as a 30 year old woman, and i think i could have processed them better had i been aware.. i shaved my yoni, becuase i was feeling crazy at time and wanted to show partner how pissed off i was, but now a week later it is kinda nice.
as far as my partner,,, well he got caught, he said it is second time in two years he wanted to have a look at porn. i believe him. he does not lie. he also explained endlessly about masturbation and porn.
i really had to come to liking me, and loving what i have and feeling sexy too. i also can understand porn, i researched it this last couple of weeks, and yes looking at it, i do get horny, god my partner and i have had a good sex week or two!!!!
we are all different and our relationships are all so diferent too. i love my parnter and i love making love to him. i also love hearing from other A cup women, yeah..... tara

[taralee]

i also want to say, if one person in relationship is unhappy about the other looking or not than i hope they work it out and respect each other fully!!!
also yes, some porn is totally f-d up, crazy, but i am sure most couples talking here are not into that crazy stuff. there is a difference. also i don't think all guys that are into it regulary are "sick" or disrespect women. maybe it makes them feel sexy looking at it? maybe its for them, and not about wanting women looking a certain way only? as humans we are entitled to our fantisies and dreams.

[starlite]

It seems to me that porn is rampant and not going to go away.

I wish I found it a little tittilating, but I'd rather watch animals doing it at the zoo! I get nothing out of it but grossed out and self concious about myself. The last thing I need is to be told I'm just insecure b/c I'm sooo not, I just like to think there's more to life than sex.

I'm with mammabeakley, it would destroy my marriage if my dh looked at porn. So before we got married I brought it up in conversation when I found his magazine pile in his bachelor pad! I asked him if he would still need porn if he was in a strong relationship and he said he hardly ever looked at it anyway, that mates had given it to him and he 'checks 'em out' every now and again. When we moved in together I told him I would feel terrible if he brang the porno mags. into OUR house. He threw them out and I haven't seen any evidence of porn in our house since.

He doesn't use the computer (I'm hoggin' it!!) and he's more into his X-box games anyway. If he has looked at at, I have no knowledge of it and I know he's pretty busy with work and wouldn't get the chance to there. I appreciate him so much for respecting my views on porn, even if they are not mainstream. He knows if he wants he can ask me, and he has asked that we make out own home movie that only we ever get to see and that never leaves the house. It felt weird but I did for him and he has thanked me for it. We have only watched it once or twice, but I'd rather it be us he's into than some strange couple/threesome whatever!!!

If your alright with porn and can do it together this is fantastic! But if, like me, porn rubs you the wrong way - I think our soulmates would ideally respect that this is alright too!

[MPJJJ]

If my DH had a porn addiction, I would seriously divorce him. I have caught him looking at it twice in our marriage. The first time was shortly after we married, i found a web address in one of his boxes. He told me if was from before we met. The second time I was 8 months pregnant and emptying his pockets to put his jeans in the wash. I found another web address written on a piece of paper. It was devestating. I have never fully recovered the self esteem I lost. Now he says he wont look at porn, although he doesnt think anything of it. He says it is not about fantasizing about being WITH those women... just a turn on. But he doesnt look because he knows it hurts me deeply. I have tried, and will never be able to get rid of the feeling of being cheated on that my DH would look at another woman. It feels wrong to me. End of story. When one person doesnt feel right about it, then it makes it wrong for both people. Porn is something people can live without. And I would not live with a man who wouldnt respect my feelings about something that could hurt me so much.

[Jordansmommy]

Interesting thread.

Porn is an industry with a consumership just like that of any other product. All kinds for all tastes. And while it may be considered exploitation of women by some, remember that these women choose to participate in the film as consenting adults. (And the men in the film certainly don't garner any more respect than the women!)

We can all agree that children and pornography don't mix. As for porn being a slippery slope to child abuse/ kiddie porn, however, I totally disagree with that. It's sort of like people who compare homosexuals to pedophiles. Uh... totally, *TOTALLY* different situation. People who want to look at children in a sexual way have a disease and need help. People who are interested in having adult relationships or looking at pictures of other people having adult relations aren't doing anything illegal or immoral.

I think respecting your relationship is more important than whether it's "right" or whether it exploits women and/or men. If someone's SO looks at porn and it makes the other person crazy, then it should stop because it's upsetting to the partner.

I don't care if DH looks at porn - by himself or with me. If he looks at it all the time, I care. If he looks at it instead of having sex with me I care. If he looks at it in front of our daughter I care. All things in moderation.

[lunamomma]

Jordansmommy,
Are you saying that you agree that porn exploits women and that it really doesn't matter because they are consenting adults? Really, I would just like to know if you meant it this way because that will totally frame my next post.

My point is that while it may be consenual, sexual exploitation in the porn industry only finacially empowers a handful of women(mostly men) and the rest struggle to make ends meat, not to mention dealing with violence, exposure to STD's and the hardships of leaving that industry.

To quote a well named anthropologist Marth Ward," no knowledgeable person seriously suggests that so many children and young women go into the sex industry for personal fullfillment and sexual satifaction. Serving men sexually is one of the leading forms of employment and survival for women on the planet."- from A World Full of Women.

Isn't it interesting how college campuses ignore fratenity related gang rape- I mean men taking turns having sex with an anonymous woman in the presence of each other? While in a pornography film the woman is consenting to being "gang banged" she is acting out and using terminology used by victims of violent sexual abuse and rape. In interviews, the men accused of gang rape claim the identity of the woman they assaulted was IRRELEVANT. WOW- I know I sure feel sexy now- I'm irrelevant- I could just be any ole woman with a hot horny pussy looking to fuck- right?

Have you ever thought about how easy it is for women to enter this field? Or does that not concern you either? Why isn't it as easy for women to enter and sustain a career in other fields? Why do we have to fight to break into other industries and this one is so readily available to us? Could this be done on purpose-oh gosh no!

It may seem like individual choices don't make a difference, " who cares if WE look at a little porn..." Right? - WHY is it so important for us to support something that obviously does not serve our goals and needs as women who like men are also trying to find purpose and fullfillment. That is how your personal decisions relate to political and professional decisions- they effect one another- quite frankly what we do in our bedrooms(just like co-sleeping ) or any other room creates a change- a shift in our perspective which then leads to possible change outside of our home. Women have been very effective with this technique throughout time.

On this board I have read a lot about not vaccinating our children, feeding them organic food, not spanking, gentle discipline, cloth diapers, wearing them in baby slings etc. Most of these CHOICES are not mainstream; they are however, consenual- we have somehow gone against the grain and managed to survive yet another day- we may have even changed someone else's mind about important decisions in their family's life. I simply ask that we put this same time and commitment to change in other areas of our lives- even this one. Americans (westerners)enjoy the "fun" and "light hearted" side of pornography and yet all over the world women suffer because we feel it is just a personal choice- well your personal choices are professional and political wether you like it or not.

Just a few facts that women should know about other women.
* The major occupations available for women in the world are vending, factory assembly lines, piecework, cash-cropping, commercial agriculture, sex work, service in domestic settings.

*Women produce 75%-90% of the crops in the WORLD, but women ususally have no title or own their own property.

* Some women in places like Mozambique and Senegal spend more than 10 hours carrying water per week.

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In the words of Margaret Mead, " Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed citizens can change the world; indeed' it's the only thing that ever has."

wow all of this typed while nursing a babe ....hee hee
i'm really supposed to be doing school work- LOL

i just want evryone to know that i do respect your individual choices and this has been an interesting thread.

[subeetaho]

lunamomma, you ROCK!

so glad that you can take that educated humanitarian mind and heart and put it in a real framework...

I try to make a difference in the world by raising my kids right by me, and if by doing that, I can help save ONE single girl from being raped because I wasn't buying into porn...thank heavens!

You know, that was really a bummer for me when I turned in my computer on my ex, I thought I was going to save some runaway or abducted girl in N Dakota from a fate worse than death...turns out that most of the sites were from "off-shore" locations, eastern Europe, So america... so unfortunately, there are still slaves out there in need of emancipation!

Yea, I thought a little porn was harmless, even though it made me feel ill... now that I know what is behind the industry (even just a scratch on the surface) I shudder to think what a little "harmless" porn can do to encourage rape and violence against women in general - this isn't about the kiddie porn...just an realization that we are responsible for placing that condoning behavior into the consciousness of the planet...and we are trying to change the world our kids grow up in, right?

yes, what YOU do in your bedroom can affect a girl being raped in a dorm room in Kentucky or LA or Thailand...

Thanks, lunamomma for reminding us that responsibility goes farther than just our choice of diapers!

[Jordansmommy]

Good post.

Before I start, my disclaimer is... I really *don't* buy tons of porn. :LOL

Do I believe that porn is exploitation of women? No. I don't believe that it portrays men OR women in the most noble light. Nor do I believe that being a porn star (even the star) is the most respectable position in the world, again, for men or women. But I do believe that the people who are in these movies participate freely, of their own volition. No one enslaved them and forced them to have sex on screen. There are a lot of other professional options out there. I've had very low paying jobs before, but not once did it cross my mind to be a porn star. Truly. I think you need to have a certain mindset for that sort of thing, and a very different sense of ... er.... personal comfort.

Nor do I think that pornography contributes to real rapes. A lot of women out there have fantasies about being dominated. That doesn't mean they want to BE RAPED. It's a fantasy, and porn that features domination, etc may appeal to that audience.

Rape is not about sex. It's about power and violence and hatred. Pornography, in my opinion, does not portray power, violence or hatred. The person who would watch porn and then go out and commit a rape or other act of sexual violence would have done so regardless, because that person is violent and has no regard for other people's lives.

There have been many studies on other cultures who show far more violence on tv and yet have far lower rates of violence in actuality. What is it with America?

Anyway, different tastes for different people. Some people enjoy being peed on or peeing on someone else. Why? I will never understand that. To me that seems demeaning and gross. Yet there is porn that portrays this, and it's got an audience. In this sense I think pornography can be an outlet for people's fantasies that they are too embarassed to share.

So in summary because this is already way too long... exploitation? No. Regardless of what you may think, there's ALWAYS another choice of profession. Socially irresponsible to buy porn? No, because violent people commit violent acts and non-violent people don't. Period. Let's all take a little more responsibility for ourselves and not blame societal pressures for our undesirable actions.