does your husband look at porn? - Page 5

[taralee]

beemama,
i am sorry your feeling so horrible, finding out is very intense and brings out some strong feelings. i think give it time before making a huge decison in life like leaving him. making desicions in middle of craziness could lead to poor descion making? anyway, sounds like your other issue like hating where you live is an issue. i know i don't know whole story, but can relate to living in partners home town in the sticks i have done it twice once in west virginia, and once in wee waa NSW which is 3 hours from nearest movie theatre and mall!! and i had new born baby too. i frequently looked for exuces to leave.. that was me though. it was hard, i wanted out and unsure how and scared of what next if i did leave. .
anyway i really hope you find some peace in your heart and mind. take care.

[stirringleaf]

edited for the sake of personal privacy...it was just bugging me what i wrote here and i know too many people IRL that i wouldnt normally discuss this with that might come read what i had posted here...sorry...

[KellyB]

Ugh.
Coming out of lurkerdom now.
Kinda freaked out at the moment.
Taralee and Beemama...I'm right there with ya'll...
Stirringleaf...wise word. I'll think on them. Dh is very loving, very cool...I'm still super pissed, though...he knows what sort of thing this is for me. I'm only confidant that I can't blame my own insecurities on my anger because of a past, "little" infidelity of his involving a stripper. No porn/strip clubs was the deal we mutually agreed upon to save the marriage.
Maybe that was unfair of me to begin with....
Finding out about this is just making me feel betrayed all over again...a deception of a sexual nature.
The way I confronted him about it was "Hey...I know blablabla...I'm going to try to be cool about it. This is just something I'm going to have to come to terms with...I just need honesty from you...I don't have any right to lay down laws about your sexuality...your sexuality is your and yours alone...etc."
His response was "We have spybots on the PC planting stuff in the history we never went to!!!"
Then said maybe my best friend came over here (mine...not his...lol)and looked at it.
Total denial. I had to drag the truth out of him.
Rrrr...gawd, I'm mad.

[starlite]

HUGS TO YOU BEEMAMMA!

I see your point ... it's not so much the 'porn' as the fact the mutal agreement was disrespected. He knows how this makes you feel and assured you he doesn't need it - but then goes off and does it anyway. Any point justifying his sneaky behaviour makes you feel worse, and you feel like his actions have violated your trust. The 'spybot' story doesn't cut it and blaming it on someone else is a cop out. Anything he says in defense of his porn surfing actions will likely seem patronising and implausable - not to mention make you extremely self concious.

But I agree with some of the other women here that have responded to you. Don't do anything rash or in the heat of the moment ... this will blow over and as a couple you can get through this situation and hopefully grow closer together because of it. Ahhhh men. Instead of leaving - why not add a few "massive penis" sites to your favorites and leave them there for him to find. He will wonder if his is big enough and start to get an idea of what it feels like to become insecure about his own image!!! Then you could discuss his feelings openly and explain that there is no difference to how you feel about him looking at other women and hopefully he will get the picture (no pun intended) and respect this mutual agreement you will both redefine. Just a thought ... men hate women comparing penis sizes! :LOL

Love starlite.

Hello Taralee ... good advice to this mamma!

[beemama]

thanks for all of the support & advice. I didn't mean to hijack this thread either. I really didn't know where to post yesterday. I was struggling.
I'm still here. I'm not sure for how long. There are other factors at play.
My heart aches for my dd when I think of taking her from her home & tearing her family in half. But part of me literally feels like it has died. The part that had trust & love & closeness & warmth for dh.
I found out that he's been doing it for a few months, since we bought & moved into a house together. In this few months we've been very sexually active. Now I think of all of those times & feel so violated. I also feel like he started doing it then because he knew it wouldn't be easy to leave now that we own a house. He said it was easy in this house because the pc was downstairs, he felt like he'd never get caught. Gosh, if some woman were to come up to him in the woods where he works, THAT would be easy, too...

I keep thinking about how, without leaving, things are already so different for dd. I don't even want to nurse dd in front of him. She was very upset that daddy wasn't in bed this morning. I don't know that staying for her sake is the best thing, either. I have so much animosity towards her father. Yesterday I even lost it & started hitting him & screaming that I hated him. I told him part of me was dead. She was asleep but what if she would've seen that? I'm appauled at my behavior, I abhor violence. That was me? On top of him & screaming, punching him until my arms hurt. I felt like I was completely insane.
I was, for a minute I lost my grip.
I've read through this thread & had to skip over some of the posts. Some of you mamas are so articulate! Maybe there was some good stuff in them, but it's too painful right now. I'll have to try again when I feel a little stronger. One thing you'd have to understand, we were friends for a while before we got together & it was known before anything else happened that I couldn't accept that in my life. We both agreed that the whole porn thing was messed up.
I want to model a better life for my dd. We're veg., recycling, peace loving people. We are against consumerism. We don't even allow TV in the house for chrissakes! What does his behavior model? I'm not trying ot be holier than thou, we're just different. I'm constantly reminded that we're different where we live.
I feel like he was willing to sacrifice his baby, his wife for it... so it must be a big deal to him. I'm not going to try to compete with that. I asked how he could do it knowing I might find out & he said he never thought that far ahead. Geez, to me that sounds like he's capable of doing anything.
I really don't mean to hijack this thread. Maybe I should start another thread somewhere else... "leaving dh over porn"
I know there are women who are okay with porn, even like it, I wish he would've found one of them.

[starlite]

You need a hug! If I was your sister I'd tell you to bring your dd and stay with me for a while ... clear your head.

You express yourself very well. What I want to say is very hard to put into words. The feelings you have regaurding porn are valid and real in the same way as those who have different feelings about it. It's not wrong to like or dislike porn - and you so happen to dislike it. Your reasons for this are personal and intimate ... and go back a long time before you met your dh.

Infact, before you got serious with dh you were so stong about how you felt - it became important for you to discuss your views on this topic. You had already decided that you wanted to end up with a man that felt as 'creeped out' by porn as you did. Stop here for a moment. This is a pretty key moment as dh assured you that he would respect your wishes and didn't need porn. With this assurance you felt him to be a 'safe' choice. Your feelings of having this assurance betrayed are not irrational ... but the intensity of these feelings may be a clue here.

I do not think your dh really realised how you would react if you did catch him. I don't think he expected you to fall apart and leave him over it although I'm sure he was aware that this kind of discovery would make you unhappy. Sounds to me like you didn't expect your screaming, hitting emotional response to be as intense either ... and rather than blaming him for ruining the marriage you need to get away for awhile and do some serious soul searching. If I was a therapist I'd suspect something painful in your past has made you hate porn so much ... so much no dh of your's was ever going to look at it. While you will need to address the issue of betrayl of trust with your husband, I do not think you should end your marriage without finding out why you feel so passionate about this one thing. Put it into perspective.

I can see all of your points and all are valid - but I see none that can not be overcome as a couple. If he had cheated on you physically, but he has not (although it may feel as bad) he has just betrayed your trust. He is probably very sorry, but you need to heal a past hurt and not let porn bother you so much as well as your dh learning that this behaviour is not acceptable while he is in a relationship with you.

Hope I've helped. More hugs and chin up mamma!

[beemama]

There is an underlying issue. I was first exposed to sex thru porn.
The imagery you have in your sexual awakening can stick with you in life, like it or not. I am fighting to get this stuff out of my head. I find it to be toxic.
The stuff dh was looking at is the unrealistic, primped, shaved, enhanced kind. I don't know what that would be classified as, I was unable to get that site earlier in the thread.
I looked like that at one time! It took a little work in the fake direction but it wasn't hard to attain. Time & events can change that so fast, and you want them to really, y'know? I'm 30 now, I had a baby & breastfeed. My body is different, it might not be as firm but it's healthier than it ever was. My mind isn't (wasn't) clouded with that image of "sexy". Sexy is relative.
Each & every day I have to go through and re-evaluate where I am in life being a mom. It makes me so aware of my weaknesses & hang-ups. I have to model what I want my dd to learn. This effects me on so many levels- diet, health, action, spirituality. We really have to live up to the standards we hold for dd.
In our house we serve no meat, drink no sodas, watch no TV, buy low VOC paints, no video games, no pharmaceuticals, no vaccines..we use all cloth diapers/napkins, try to steer away from consuming junk in general!
"you ARE what you eat".
We are trying to live in a more conscious way.
And in my situation, I don't see why I should have to try & be "sexy" in that way to deal with this. I was not the one who was misleading in who I was. This is something that we have always "agreed" on, it is an issue with US!
He told me he preferred internet porn before we got together, only because he was "lonely" and kept reassuring me that this was not going to happen. He always agreed on this and agreed it to be an infidelity. This is sexual energy being taken away from us, directed at an actual image of an actual person. He was an anthropology major (as was lunamomma earlier in the thread{great posts btw!}) and would use the whole cultural bent to explain his "stance" on the issue, don't get him started on american culture. He knew if he did this I would leave. It wasn't implied, it was said. He made that choice for a few minutes of selfishness. I can't get past that. He was willing to risk his life w/ his wife and daughter!
He brought that whole vibe into our home. On the computer, no less. THIS is my window to the world so to speak... if I didnt' have this, I wouldn't have any contact outside of little Mt. Vernon, IL.

So, ITA>
if it is CONSENSUAL!
Yay for you.
If not, be true to yourself!

[sohj]

Lots of interesting posts here.

Just wanted to chime in and say, porn being looked at in a relationship means thousands of different things depending on the context of the relationship.

Just throwing in my two cents.

Not really adding anything to the thread here.

[KellyB]

edited to add: if feel its important i clarify that i am NOT implying you have to accept porn. but maybe there are sexy alternatives like poeple have suggested i dont know alot about them, but have heard of tantric yoga, or even just getting a sexy outfit and going on a date to rev you both up???

Ok...I know the author said this with nothing but the best of intentions, but there remains a fatal flaw of logic in this line of reasoning...
It IS NOT my fault if my DH looks at porn behind my back...it is not the result of us not having a "spicy" enough sex life before...all of those bases have been covered...
It's a matter of incompatable morals regarding fidelity. And honesty.
Spicing up the bed won't fix something like this...the bed's been spicy enough all along...it boils down to incompatable morals.
I think masturbating to pictures of other people is an act of infidelity, and he either does'nt, or doesn't care....he told me he agreed, but the computer says the plot thickens.....

[subeetaho]

Originally Posted by kellyb

Ok...I know the author said this with nothing but the best of intentions, but there remains a fatal flaw of logic in this line of reasoning...
It IS NOT my fault if my DH looks at porn behind my back...it is not the result of us not having a "spicy" enough sex life before...all of those bases have been covered...
It's a matter of incompatable morals regarding fidelity. And honesty.
Spicing up the bed won't fix something like this...the bed's been spicy enough all along...it boils down to incompatable morals.
I think masturbating to pictures of other people is an act of infidelity, and he either does'nt, or doesn't care....he told me he agreed, but the computer says the plot thickens.....

Right ON sistah!

If you guys haven't seen my other posts, look above in this thread. I truly believe that dh looking at porn was a symptom, and then became a disease...
And sure, our bedroom was spicy, but how much of that was me trying to be one of those women? It got to the point where he couldn't even look at me during the act, but had to pull out a mag right then & there! talk about infidelity!

Beemama, I feel for you, and don't think any of this comes down to you having a complex...it's about trust and morals and standards of living...and I think that it's okay to make a serioius statement about your relationship if you feel that strongly (take a weekend away, maybe?) I am one of those people who believe highly on the "matter of principle"...and something like a hidden porn addiction or fetish is not to be taken lightly if you laid down the law WAY beforehand...

As for your outburst s: it amazes us when the fire within gets fanned by our emotions, and it can be surprising how deep and powerful these feelings can be... I wasn't a violent person, and yet my dh could trigger me into flying at him like a banshee...I am still releasing rage from my cellular memory and working light visualizations to keep from losing it at the kids (this time last year, everything broke...big process right now)

anyway, sorry so long or if I went off topic. Just wanted to check in and give some support, too

[texas_matka]

No. He believes that it is not like cheating on me. I know not everyone believes that. I am just saying what he believes.

[cabins513]

I'm probably opening up a can of worms here...but the bottom line is that it is a sin!!! My family and I are proud Christians. Don't get me wrong...I'm christian.....not perfect and don't claim to be. I am a sinner just as anyone else. I have lusted over men other than my DH. I know that it is not right, and I repent. My husband and I used to have a very large porn collection, and often looked at porn together and alone. However, we have stopped, as hard as it was, because the bible plainly speaks against it!!! So, my answer is no. My husband does not look at porn. Regardless of how it makes me feel....it's not right and that is the bottom line!!!

[Arduinna]

I'm not a sinner, I am not a member of a religion that includes the concept of sin. So to claim you're a sinner is fine by me, to add "just as anyone" isn't true and implies that we all have the same beliefs.


I'm facinated at all the threads at mdc by people that are so concerned with controlling their partners. Does he/she look at porn, how much is too much masturbation, does your partner have friend of the opposite sex. I'm married, not dead and not a ruler over my partner.

[Mami]

I'm not a fan of porn but I don't see it as 'sin'. Sin is a belief. If you believe in sin you may find many things sinful, but like Arduinna said, don't assume everyone believes in sin. Bringing religion into the equation is going to open a can of worms. I personally am anti-religious(any religion), so would prefer not to go there.

[Arduinna]

you can keep all us non sinners in your prayers if you want. there is no controversy. it's a fact that not all religions include the concept of sin and the fact that you find other people beliefs comical is insulting.

[beemama]

whoa, now this is a religious issue?
Arduinna. If this is all a matter of control, would it then also be a control issue if my husband brought drugs into the family? How far can you go with that being a control issue? If your husband is having sex w/someone else? CONTROL!
We need to have some control over what we want/allow in our families. If a couple agrees porn is not okay, it is not okay.
I am surprised at all of the support for porn on MDC... where there are so many members who also don't want plastic, TV & other fake, toxic things in their homes. It's all a matter of personal taste, I guess. Different strokes for different strokes.
And the rationale that it's MY problem, that's sad. Come on empowered mamas! If you're okay with it, GREAT! If you're not, and it is an individual thing, don't let anyone try & tell you the problem lies with you!

[cabins513]

Wow!!! No need to get fiesty. It's really not THAT big of deal. It's ok if you don't believe in sin...for your sake, you'd just better hope that you're right....onto the real subject of this thread...

I agree with beemama. I don't see this issue as an issue of control. I don't believe that if I won't tolerate certain behavior out of my husband it's not a matter of trying to control him. It's simply a matter of respecting myself. I also do not allow my husband to call me a bi**c. Am I controlling him??? No, I'm just demanding respect. Aside from my "religious" beliefs... I would not allow my husband to look at porn on the internet or anywhere else. It has nothing to do with my own security, although I must admit, I would probably question my appeal to him. It has to do with respecting myself. I find it disrespectful for him to gawk over other women when he is married to me. Don't get me wrong, I do notice other men and will often make a comment to my girlfriends and even my DH about someone else being attractive and he has no problem telling me about an attractive women, but to gawk over them in an intimate nature is unacceptable. I personally feel that the need for porn is a cry for help. If one is sexually satisfied, then why would he see the need to find satisfaction in other sexual means? I certainly do not intend on offending anyone who has different opinions. I'm simply stating my opinion on the things that I allow to go on in my home and in my marriage.

[candiland]

I used to be very, very angry when I'd find porn on dh's computer. Like, throwing-stuff-at-him angry. But then I decided that if he enjoys expressing sexuality in that way, then I'll be damn sure to express my sexuality MY way.

When we go out, I flirt. Men buy me drinks. I have titillating conversations. Nasty conversations. I've gotten dirty on the dance floor with a few women before. I fantasize a lot about other people.

That's what MY definition of MY OWN sexuality is. Now that I'm totally comfortable with my own expression of sexuality outside of our marriage, I'm comfortable with the way he expresses HIS sexuality outside of our marriage.

I crave that intense energy IRL. He craves those pics or movies to get off real quick. Niether is "righter" or "wronger" than the other. Just "Different".

[Arduinna]

I'm not talking about what couples agree to together, I'm talking about one person deciding for someone else what they can and can't do arbitrarily. Now we are equating masturbation and porn to drugs ect? Let's stick with the issue at hand. we are not talking about breaking the law, porn and masturbation are not illegal acts.

The bottom line is at what point does one partner have the right to control the other.

[beemama]

I'm sorry, I could've put any number of things in there in place of drugs....
drinking problem, gambling... those are both legal, right? Do you see my point? It's something that can be damaging to a relationship/family.