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The Dating Thread Reborn! - Page 3

post #41 of 251
Well tonight the boy I'm sorta-seeing is playing in his band at a local club. I'm working (getting ready to jump in the shower right now) and am hoping to escape a little early and catch the end of his show. So I can say "hi", tell him he did a nice job, take a sip of his beer, maybe steal a kiss, and then go get my punkin from my mom's house

I would love to date a single (preferably custodial) father. I just haven't met any. It would be so nice to have somebody who truly understands. Of course along with that understanding comes all of his responsibilitiies, so even less time to see each other. trade off's, I guess.

The day after my last (drunken) post, K called me and I was still peeved so was short with him on the phone. He says "so,,..... are you mad at me?" and I say "yes, a little irked." He says with all kinds of righteous indignation, "Why? Why would you be mad at me?" I did my best to not guilt-trip, like I said before, we're not even officially dating (i.e., do his friends even know I exist? I have noooooo idea), and just tried to explain my feelings. We got off the phone and I stewed for a while, then felt badly, bc it's not his fault that he can't empathize with my situation, kwim?

So I called K back and when he answered, I launched into "I just wanted to call and apologize bc I was short with you on the phone earlier and I want you to know that I'm not really pissed off at you, I was just really disappointed that I didn't get to see you last night and that disappointment sometimes comes out of me in the form of anger. So I'm sorry."

silence.

then (and this is why I like the boy): "you know, I really appreciate that, bc I've been thinking about the things you said on the phone and was starting to feel really bad. You're absolutely right, you don't get to go out very often, and I know you were looking forward to it. I guess since I want to spend time with you, I need to be a little more considerate and a lot more creative, huh."

I think I found a keeper. Just gotta get through this whole "how do we get to know each other without getting too serious when we don't get to see each other very often" stage, which sucks.

sending love, giggles and kisses to all my dating sistas....
crystal
post #42 of 251
wow a boy that says what he feels. a keeper for sure.
maya
post #43 of 251
Thread Starter 
Possibly the hardest thing I've had to do in many months....

I broke it off with my firefighter. He really is a fantastic guy, but I found that I was spiraling back into the depression/anxiety that was causing me problems earlier this year. I had stopped eating, stopped taking care of myself, was short with the kids, not able to give "W" the space and consideration he needs and was becoming very clingy in the relationship. In short - I was starting to "lose it" again and needed to get back on an even keel. So.... I left him a message this a.m. letting him know that as much as I like him and enjoy him, I'm just in a very poor emotional state right now and that I can't see him anymore. I made sure to mention that I didn't want to close the door completely on being friends and that I really care about him and his DD, but that this is a bad time for me. He text messaged me back that he would respect my wishes, understood my feelings, and was sorry if he disappointed me. I felt good about my decision until I read that message. Now, I'm fighting back the tears as I sit here at my desk, wondering if I screwed up by breaking up with him. I can't take it back, and I think it was the right decision deep down inside. He is such a great guy - I'm just not the right person right now.

Advice????
post #44 of 251

What do guys mean by this?

Well, I started dating someone some time ago and it fell apart...he had waaaaaay too much to drink one night on vacation and got verbally nasty, flirted with other women and just got disgustingly sloppy :
After that incident, I did not want to date him and we did not see each other for 2 months.

Well, we are trying to rebuild the trust. He voluntarily agreed to not drink that way and has handled it all very maturely. I've known him for years and am willing to give him a chance based on the fact that I know him as a person and that's the first time I saw that aspect appear. I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that it was a mistake rather than a recurrent problem based on my previous friendship/experience with him.

So, we've gone out a few times in the last few weeks, talked on the phone and such.

But I don't feel the same intensity as before. He's been more aloof...not calling every night like he used to. He's not as enthusiastic about planning outings either. He seems to have lost his enthusiasm. He says he still feels cautious and a bit confused. I'm trying to make him feel loved and accepted.

I just sense this distance from him.

Well today we chatted briefly and he told me, "Look I know that I've been acting weird lately and I do want to clear it all up for you. Let's talk about it tonight."

Well, I'm sooooo nervous....I'm thinking one of two things....

He's going to tell me that this is not going to work orrrrr....he's going to tell me he's seeing someone else that he met while we weren't dating and that's why his time/energy has been less apparent to me.

Hmmmm....a nail-biter.

I'll report back tomorrow. If anyone has suggestions/ideas about my situation...LET ME KNOW!

I'm on pins and needles today.

Mel.
post #45 of 251
Tabitha - I think you made the right choice. No matter how wonderful he is ... if you are not in the right emotional state to date right now, it will never work. You've got to take good care of yourself and your kids first and it seems like he was getting in the way of that, big time.

I know that had to be a really, really tough decision to make, but I think you did the right thing. Have you considered going to counseling, or finding someone to help with your anxiety and depression? If this guy is as great as you say he is, I'm willing to bet he will be more than supportive while you get yourself together. It will benefit him in the end as well.

post #46 of 251

Talk to him, Soulo

Just my opinion but maybe you need to have a conversation with him, explaining where you're at in more detail so that he understands that the break-up has more to do with your emotional state and less to do with him.
He may think that you're just "letting him off easy" by taking the wrap and according to what you've said, this is the honest truth and not a line.

Talk to him, I say....IMHO.

Good luck!

Mel.
post #47 of 251
Mel -

Now I'm on pins and needles with you! Geeze! Make sure you post tonight and tell us what happens!

It sounds a little bit like HE'S confused ... maybe he's not ready to commit yet and that's why the "playa" side came out when he was drunk. :LOL But whatever it is, you deserve to know the truth, and you've got to give him credit for being honest!

s Let us know what happens.
post #48 of 251

Double edged sword

Part is me is thinking that if he does tell me that he doesn't want to date me, better for me...then I can just focus on myself and my son. It's pretty soon after my divorce too.
He likes my little boy but he is awkward with kids, admittedly so...but he has said he's willing to try because he wants marriage/family...but maybe he wants the IDEA of marriage/family and the reality of it is hitting home.

AAAAAHHHHH I'm going to drive myself nuts trying to predict what he's going to say.

But louder than his words are his actions and based on his actions, I KNOW he is not warm and cozy right. It's a long-shot that he's going to tell me that he wants to spend more time together to get closer....

I think he's going to say that he's confused and not into dating right now.
In which case I will respond....

"Good Luck to you"
post #49 of 251
Thread Starter 

Thanks mamas ;)

You are both right that I need to talk to him, let him know that I care very much about him but that I am having serious issues with depression and anxiety that I've been trying to deal with in various ways, and I have to get myself under control again or I won't be good to anyone. To top it all off... tomorrow is my birthday, and we had planned a special lunch together with our two youngest (my Adam and his DD). Since I broke up with him today, there will be no lunch tomorrow . I get to spend my birthday doing homework and laundry .

Mel: I'll be looking forward to your update. I'm hoping he'll tell you that he's been acting a bit off because he is unsure of where you are vs. any other external reason. At least he's willing to communicate with you about it. Keeping my fingers crossed for a positive outcome!
post #50 of 251

Letter to him

I don't think he's confused as to where I am because I wrote him a long and very honest letter a couple of weeks ago telling him all of the wonderful things I love about him. I felt that it would help him feel more accepted and loved.

I think I'm going to get the axe LOL! :LOL

At least I can laugh about it!
post #51 of 251
Thread Starter 
I'm sorry, Mel.... seems like you've been through a lot with this guy already - it hardly seems fair! However, as you said, the time and space to concentrate on PJ would be beneficial to you both, and there are so many fish out there in the proverbial sea. I'm planning to get back into regular yoga and pilates classes and spend more time in bible study now that I am going it alone again (still wishing I could be in a relationship with "W" but know that it is wrong).
post #52 of 251

Yup...we've been through a lot

Yup..we've been through a lot because we've been friends for 6 years. We already know each other's drama and have drama of our own too....
I don't know if that's a good thing in a new relationship
post #53 of 251
wow...no advice just wishing you mama's both well
maya
post #54 of 251
soul-o mel

I am sorry you are both going through it. Soul-O, couldn't you have waited until *after* your birthday? Just teasing! I am sorry you will be alone tomorrow, I had something similar happen this year, it makes it tough. I really think you are doing the right thing, and I totally think you should communicate to him why. He sounds like he could be a supportive friend while you find your emotional feet, and if he is willing to wait and be supportive how awesome would that be?

Mel, you sound like you have a healthy attitude about it And actually it sounds like you might be a little relieved if he "gives you the axe"...if so, maybe that is something to think about? Some men are just better as friends.

As for me....called, left a message yesterday, have been on IM, haven't heard from him. It has been a week now, I'm pretty sure if he had wanted to reschedule he would have. I think that during the last conversation we had it became apparant that we had a couple differences of opinion...he called me coy because I prefer not to be crass in the way I communicate some things, and I think that maybe my response was a little off-putting. Oh well, there are so many fishes that I would like to swim with :LOL
post #55 of 251
So I think I've been put on the back burner......

I caught the end of K's band last night, said hi to him and introduced him to a couple of my friends afterwards. When he came over to say hi initially he did plant a kiss on my cheek, which surprised (and pleased) me. But he was tired and left fairly abruptly, with just a "hey I'm taking off, talk to you later" as a goodbye. Naturally, it pissed me off. I'm such a high-maintenance beeotch sometimes, I swear. So I called him and he called me back and we argued.... .... he said something about why was I upset, he didn't treat me any differently than he treated any other person, and I said exactly! that's the point, am I just "any other person"?.... eventually we were both at home and tired and just apologized and said good night.

Then today K and I just happened to meet (really, I swear!) on campus today and he walked me home when it was time to get Aria from her daycare. (I felt so junior high, he even carried a book of mine ) On our walk, he said several things that were really vague but didn't sound encouraging - I was honestly kinda lost - and then he said "I'm not trying to push you away or anything" and I thought, "ah-ha, he's pushing me away!!" In any case, I can't even remember what he said, just the general feeling I got was that this might be too much for him and we'll prolly cool down pretty quickly - not like we were on fire or anythng yet anyways, well except in bed, and in my head.

good luck to you mamas dealing with disinegrations as well.

crystal
post #56 of 251
Just wanted to let you mamas know that I met my husband online on match.com and he is the best thing ever!! It is so much less stressful than live dates because you can screen out people easily by looking at their profile, emailing and over the phone. There are lots of single dads there and it's easy to find those open to single moms...try it, what've you got to lose!??
post #57 of 251
Thread Starter 
Well.... I did leave another message today, while choking back the tears. I reassured "W" that I cared very much for him and that he did nothing wrong and everything right - I am just not ready. I also reiterated that I am not closing the door on us and that I would like nothing more than to be with him when the time is right, but that I understand that he will be getting on with his life and I wish him love and success because he deserves it. What do you all think?
post #58 of 251
ohhhh honey. how grown up of you. how good. how wonderful. good for you.
maya
post #59 of 251

Was posting and lost the whole thing : (

Okay, I'm going to repeat what I just tried to post and lost, darn it!

Tabitha, I think you did the right thing....I'm sure he'll feel a bit better now, not wondering what he did wrong.
And I hope you feel better, Hon...I have gone through depression twice this year and it just sucks.

Crystal...I would have been mad when he abruptly left too...
I would have thought, "Fine..if you're going to treat me like everyone else, you get the same bootie priveleges (or lack thereof) as everyone else!"

Now for my update:

He called last night and got right to the point:

He says that he's been feeling cautious and confused since our break-up. That although he spent most of those months thinking of how to win me back, he had gotten to a point of accepting that we wouldn't date. Now he feels as if he's trying to back-paddle. He is enthusiastic about dating me but simultaneously feeling a bit hesistant about moving as quickly as before.
He says that he does love me and that's why it's important for him to tell me how he is feeling.
I asked him what he needed...time? Not to date?
He says no...that he wants to date, spend time together connecting, and most of all, talking.
He says he is thinking long-term too...thinking about the dynamic of being a step-parent.
I told him that although I would never put parental responsibilities on someone unless the relationship were serious, I want him to be upfront and tell me if he does not think he can love/accept PJ. I told him that that is a serious consideration for me in terms of whoever I date seriously or marry.
Then he said that when I say things like "whoever I date seriously or marry", it bothers him because he wonders if I am able to visualize him in that role. He says he wants us to think in terms of "us" and not "you" or "me"....

Although he is experiencing these other emotions, he does say that he loves me and is thinking about "us" in the context of "long-term"....

Mel.
post #60 of 251
Soul-o That must have been hard for you letting him go and leaving that message. That is really mature of you to realize that you need to take a step back and work on yourself. I hope everything ends up working out for the best.

AHappyMel - Good for you for being up front with him and letting him know what you're looking for. It doesn't sound like it went too bad, from what you say it actually wasn't bad news at all. It seems like he really cares about you and is trying to be honest with you. He sounds like a nice guy.
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