Loss of Mother's special brand of love

[CorasMama]

I lost my mother Feb. 2, 2001, five weeks before our wedding. I've been coming to realize something about why losing one's mother is different than other relatives.

My mother was my safety net, in many different ways. When she was alive, I knew that there was someone who, no matter what, would always love and accept me, and would go to any length for me. The world is a very scary place when you don't have that anymore. I mean, I have my dad, but he's got so many issues in his own life to deal with, and he lives many states away. I have my MIL, but she and I are so different is pretty crucial ways, and also, I can't exactly go crying to her when dh and I argue.

I miss her so terribly. I miss having the love from her that I have for my dd -- the "no matter what, you come first in my life and priorities" kind of love.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? How does one deal with this?

[StarMama]

Hi CorasMoma. I lost my mother when I was 14 (March 19th 1993), I don't know for sure if we'd relate for sure, since my mom never had a part in my adult life, but I miss her very very much, so I felt compelled to reply... She used to write poems and I miss her a whole lot when I graduated high school and got married because one of her poems was about picking out dresses for her future daughter (before she had me) for prom and a wedding. *Sigh*

[kelly]

Hello CorasMoma - I, too, lost my mother unexpectedly when I was 15 (Sept. 8, 1984). Although we were never able to interact as adults, the grief that I feel to this day is unlike any that I have ever had (and most of my family members have also passed away). I will carry the hole in my life where she should still be until the day that I die.

You are not alone in this, even though it can be very hard to find others who have had our experience or who will discuss it. I helped contribute to a book called "Motherless Daughters" that you might want to read (by Hope Edelman). It is at the very least affirming of the emotions that we go through. Made me feel a lot less alone with this pain. Hope it helps you.

Kelly

[CorasMama]

Kelly,

I have that book! Even though it's been a year and a half already, I still haven't been able to open it. But I own it, and someday I look forward to reading what you wrote.

[Karba]

I lost my Mom, too...

Hi,

I, too, lost my mom this past April. Sometimes the grief is too much for me to bear. I can still hear her voice in my head and I can remember her warm, loving hands. We miss her SO much, she was very special to us. I am the youngest of six and we had the privilege of taking care of her after she had a massive stroke in Jan. 2001. We were able to give back some of the love that she gave us so unconditionally. I feel very lost at times, as she was my sounding board, even after her stroke. My Dad was killed when I was 17, so I am an orphan. I think I will go and get that book. This has been such a hard year for me. Thanks for letting me ramble...


Karen

[Alenushka]

I lost my mom in 1996. Today is her birthday. Today we will eat Chinese food. It was her favorite food when she visited US. I miss her so much. As long as my mom was alive I had the luxury of feeling being someone's child. No more... We used to have the same drmea and we kewn when one of us was sick even thogu we were 3 thousand mile apart. She died suddenely and I did not get to take care of her. I nevere imagines that I could leave wihout her much more to brave another child. It all wroked out. In a very different way when a family I grew up with but it did. I miss her so much. I know I will cry tonight

[Rollermommy]

hi. I'm new to this. I'm signed on under a friend that im currently visiting, that turned me on to this board.
I lost my mom to suicide almost 3 years ago. I was 19 and my sisters were only 13 and 15. I tried for a long time to be really strong because I thought that was best. Finally, my baby sister made me realize that its best to share all of your emotions and feelings, for all parties involved.
I had felt bad about myself at first because I couldn't remember the good times. Looking back I realize thats because I tried not to even think about her.
I since have gotten married, and 2 yrs l8tr had my beautiful son.
I had gone to counseling and that did help some. but when I got preg I started to right letters to my mom when ever I was thinking about her. They really helped me. That way I could really see what I was thinking, get it out, and then talk about it with friends and family better with a real grasp.
writing the letters really helped me, and i have saved every one of them. I don't know if my situation really relates, but thought maybe it could help

[PumpkinSeeds]

I lost my mother in Feb 99. THe night time is the hardest for me. When I'm lying there waiting for ds to fall asleep I think about what it would be like if she knew I'd had a baby...

[Ahappymel]

My mom died on 11/14/02

Hi there,
I know EXACTLY what you mean about losing a mother's brand of love. I was just saying this to my husband last night. It's as if the person who I knew would love me NO MATTER WHAT is gone. I know my husband loves me. I know my son loves and needs me, but it's not the same. I loved my mom very, very much and I'm glad that she's at peace now. She suffered a lot the last couple of years...heart disease, heart surgery, renal failure, dialysis 3 days a week and finally the amputation surgery that she died hours after. I was with her when she went. I hummed to her, kissed her hand, rubbed her belly that I was conceived and grew in and told her that I and her grandson loved her. She went very peacefully...just fell asleep. But, part of me is selfish and wishes that I could just have one more day with her. Part of me does not want to let go of my Mommy. I am grateful that she was able to meet her grandson (he is 14 months old) and that I was able to appreciate my mother this last year with a new perspective. It was only after I had my son and loved him so much that I began to fathom how much my Mommy cared for me. My heart goes out to, Cora'sMom...I feel your pain, Sister.

Love,
Mel.