Come complain about your mother

[SharonAnne]

This is a spinoff from last week's weekly thread (nov 8-14), where several of us found out that we apparently share the same psycho mom. :LOL

I'll start:

I told my mother a while before I got pregnant, that were planning on having a hb when the time came. I told her in context of conversation; we were discussing MY birth, and the fact that I was a forceps delivery, and the forceps gave mom an infection, and, so, she didn't see me for the first three days of my life. The hospital fed me glucose water till mom's fever broke and she could start breast feeding. : I said, "That's why I'm not going to give birth in a hospital"

She must have thought I was kidding, because she laughed, and said "Oh really? Then where exactly are you going to have your baby?"

"At home, with a midwife."

I wish I had a camera to take a picture of the look on her face. You guys would love it.

Anyway, she said, "Sharon-anne, I dont' think that's the smartest idea you've ever had." And I had to bite my tongue, so I wouldn't say, "well, when's the last time you really thought I had a smart idea, anyway?" :LOL

So, like I said, I wasn't pregnant at the time, so it didn't surprise me that we didn't talk about it again, although I loaned her a book on homebirth and everything (which I'm sure she didn't even crack open).

Fast forward a few months. Mom, I'm pregnant.

After the initial tears and hugs and stuff, I get "Are you still planning on having the baby at HOME?"

"Yes."

"I really wish you'd think about this more."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight, because I haven't done more research on this than I did for my college thesis. Not to mention that I worked in OB for a few years, I KNOW what I'm talking about. I KNOW what I'm doing. This is MY baby, and MY family. I"m sorry your labor and delivery with me sucked so much, but maybe it wouldn't have if you hadn't been in a freaking hospital to begin with. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The next time we were at their house, my parents bombarded me with questions. They had, apparently, been doing some research themselves. It was a very positive discussion, for the most part, until....

"Well, I'll be there if you want me to be."

"Mom, I don't want you there if you're going to be all upset and freaking out and distracting me or anyone else."

"No, I think I'll be fine, just don't be upset if I cry. It's hard to see your baby in pain!"

No, no, no, no, NO. That is where I decided, no way, no how, she is not goign to be in the same ZIPCODE. And I will be happy to tell her that.

Now, on the other hand, there is my sister-in-law, who is home today, after a "emergency" c-section on Wednesday. She is soooo excited about me giving birth at home, and she's offered to take pictures, or video, or whatever. She's dying to come with me to a midwife appointment, etc etc etc. She is so super supportive, and I can't help but think that maybe, MY child's birth will affect HER NEXT child's birth. KWIM?

So, I'll be happy to have my sister in law's SUPPORT during my labor and delivery. I do not want my mother's tears and drama.

And this is goign to make me an awful daughter, you just watch.

[punkprincessmama]

hey sharon-anne, thanks for starting this thread. I'll be back when i have a little more time and energy, but I have to say I really liked this part of your post:

"well, when's the last time you really thought I had a smart idea, anyway?"

I can soooo relate!!!

[aja-belly]

i was at target yesterday looking at baby stuff. my mom was again pushing the bottles. she said if i didn
t use bottles she was going to have to try to relactate so she could feed her baby (again with the her baby crap - everytime she says it i say "you're having a baby?"). then she went on about how she would have to switch blood pressure medicine because she can't take it while nursing and i just sat there. what do you say to that? i siad "i got it covered, don't worry", but i know she didn't hear me because she just went on and on about it. she keeps talking about what they are gonna do with the baby at their house (like use bottles, disposable diapers, have a nursery, etc) and i just laugh. what else can you say to that? does she really think that i'm gonna let her have my baby at her house all the time where appearently, anything i want or say does not matter? wtf?

anyways......the homebirth drama is just a small portion of all the crap i've been dealing with with her recently.

aja

[SharonAnne]

Oh dear, aja. I might just have to smack my mother if she pulled that crap. Seriously.

Ya know, if she wants a baby so bad, tell her to look into foster parenting. There are plenty of babies out there who need care. And then she could leave YOU and YOURS alone :LOL

Anyway, you come here and vent several times a day, please. That's why we started this thread.

[Fluffhead]

THANK YOU for starting this thread! Were we seperated at birth? Do we share the same mother?? I had a few chuckles because I could indirectly relate to your experience AND how you probably felt. Just remember, somewhere inside of her is that same young woman who was pregnant with a baby that she adored and wanted more than anything, and her intentions behind where she delivered you (other than being "they way it was" back then) were most likely driven by fear, fear and more fear. Give her some time, keep feeding her information and statistics that will warm her, and I bet when the time draws near she will be more supporitive than you can even imagine. One more thing, look at this as YOUR opportunity to educate your mother and to open her mind....you are being very proactive in your birth and by the time all is said and done, she will see you as the strong and decisive woman that you are. She will have every reason to be proud of you

On another note, I can relate to moving...I did it with DS at 12 weeks and Im going to do it again in Feb/March...I will be singing your tune soon enough. Just take a day at a time, and do a little at a time.....right now you feel awful and thats not going to change until 2nd trimester.....when you will be bestowed with endless energy and nesting. You have your whole life to settle in your house, but we only have a short duration to cherish this new life inside of us.

Now.............

You want stories about mom? Ohhhhhhhhh do I have stories...endless stories, recent stories, stories I could go on and on and on about. I wont, I will spare you all that, but I will share my mothers reaction to this pregnancy when I have more time to back up and give a little herstory to set the scene

Until than, here is a gentle hug to let you know that you arent alone

[jerawo]

What about MILs? Can we complain about them here too?

Actually I don't have much to complain about (yet). Just my MIL warning me to be careful around the dog, so he doesn't cause me to trip and cause a miscarriage. I think this will be the beginning of a lot of inane advice with no medical basis.

[Awaken]

Well I have a psycho mom, too, but fortunately she is pretty supportive of what we do parenting wise. They think we are these really neat, unusual, hippie-type people because we are vegetarian- like oh my gosh, you eat TOFU? and LENTILS? and HUMMUS? They think it is all SOOOO exotic!!

Going to a mw was all part of it! They are proud of how we parent. They only things they have ever said are: after ds was born, "you're going to get h im circumsized, aren't you?" and I said no, we see no need to do that- and she said "well, for cleanliness sake!" and that was it- now I would have a lot more info and research to provide.

And, re: nursing in public (she was very supportive of nursing in general) when there was a big nurse-in here, at the Borders bookstore and at Starbuck recently, made comments that it probably wasn't right to nurse in pubic- and I said "would you like to eat your lunch in the bathroom?"

The in-laws, on the other hand....many comments all the time about my husband's cousin who co-sleeps, lots of misinformation about breastfeeding ("oh, she couldn't make any milk", "the doctor says", etc, always saying the cousin needs to wean b/c the baby can talk now (she was like 14 mos. old!)

But they both live 3 hrs away so it doesn't impact us at all (and no question of them being at the birth)...I just sort of smile and nod...don't feel like getting into it. We'll see how it goes this time around- I know so much more now and am so much more confident and sure of what I beleive when it comes to birth and breastfeeding and sleep issues that I can see myself getting into arguments now!

[Awaken]

Originally Posted by SharonAnne

Ya know, if she wants a baby so bad, tell her to look into foster parenting. There are plenty of babies out there who need care. And then she could leave YOU and YOURS alone :Lol

Yeah, seriously!! I'm sure there are some wonderful babies who need foster homes so she could use those bottles, and relactate, and use that nursery!!

[twouglyducks]

Oh wow, Aja! Your mom thinks she needs to nurse your baby??? I HATE when my MIL talks about "her" boys and how "her" babies have grown so fast. Or she'll say things like, "Soon he'll be talking so much we'll wonder why we ever taught him to talk." I mean, she is here for 2-5 days at a time about every 3 months, so it's not like she's a huge influence in their daily lives. Besides, how do you keep a child from talking???

My mom.... I'm not even mentioning homebirth to her if I can help it. Don't want to deal with all the comments and talking behind my back that will bring on. I told my sister (23 yo nurse, NOT married, NO kids) that I was seeing a mw and planning a homebirth and she said, "Wow. You're a stronger woman than I." Hmmm... Okay. At this point I'm way more scared of birthing in a hospital. Yikes! I know what they do to women there, and their babies. But there is no way to make any of them see any different than what they want to see. My mom is the type to completely turn off her hearing when you start talking about something she just doesn't care to hear. She bought a bunch of NEWBORN sized clothes to keep at her house while I was pg with my first. She thought i was going to pump a bunch of milk (because it's no trouble at all I guess) and leave him there as soon as he was born. Keep in mind, she lives over an hour away and doesn't listen to anything I say, so he'd probably have had microwaved breastmilk every time he made a peep, a pacifier any other time, and who knows what else. Besides the fact that she is carseat stupid. NOw she doesn't understand why she doesn't get to watch my boys. She lives over an hour away, out in the country, with an inground pool right out the backdoor with absolutely NO WAY of keeping kids out of it. I mean, open pool, backdoor isn't locked or blocked off, and one time while we were there she left my 18mo old niece out there with a 5 yr old "watching" her. Right by the pool.
Then the time we were there and I needed to pee. Asked her to keep an eye on my 2yr old for 45 seconds (i'm quick) and when I came out of the bathroom and asked where he was she didn't know and didn't seem to care. Then he came out of a room with an open bottle of rubbing alcohol that he'd taken a drink of. OMG!!! ANd the time they kept my niece overnight, she was almost 2, they didn't have her carseat so they buckled her into an infant seat FRONT FACING!!! Evidently not very snugly either b/c they were laughing about how she'd gotten out of the seat and was standing in the back floorboard. Sure, when can I leave my precious little babies with you!?!?!?

Okay... sorry, this was so not pregnancy related. Just all starts rushing back at once. I dont talk to my mom about pregnancy if I can help it.
She's had one baby (My sister and I are from dad's previous marriage). She had a super fast labor, got to the hospital, they gave her tons of demerol i think, and a couple hours later he was born with forceps I believe. She said it didn't hurt at all b/c of the drugs. Then, she's also had a tummy tuck, so she's had abdominal surgery and a vaginal birth. After my csection she walks in a says, "Well, you're lucky you didn't have to push him out." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... She just always says things to try and make me feel wrong or small or something. Like, whatever I'm feeling or thinking is wrong in her eyes. I told her, "Ummm... no way. This was a major surgery and it HURTS!!!" She is like, "whatever, you didn't have to do anything though." She makes me crazy!! I'm SO glad she lives far enough away that I dont see her much. Although it sorta pisses me off when she comes up here 3 times a year and complains about the drive every single time, then turns around and gets pissy when I can't come to dinner at her house on a one day notice.

[SharonAnne]

Let's make one thing clear, this is not a place to complain about our moms and our pregnancies. This is a place to complain about our moms (and MILS and aunts, and cousins, or whoever else feels they need to fit that "mom role") and ANYTHING.

It just started as a pg related thing.

But, I'll be happy to continue my complaints, with everything from her attitude towards my hb, to her reaction to my brother's brain tumor. :LOL

[JSerene]

I already ruined this pregnancy for my mom

My mom told me that I ruined this pregnancy for her. I can't get it into her head that this isn't about her. I've been suggesting ways she can help me with the baby when the time comes and trying to make her feel important, but she doesn't seem to want to do what I need or what would really be helpful. Instead, she wants to set up a nursery in her house and keep the baby for extended periods of time to give me a "break". I explained that we would be practicing attachment parenting and that the baby would be spending the night in my room and breastfeeding on demand. Why would baby want to go from that to sleeping in a crib in a downstairs bedroom by itself? We're also getting zero support for our decsion to home school. Apparently, it's more important for our child to be like all the other kids than well educated and well rounded. One final note, we're vegetarians and my whole family thinks its WRONG WRONG WRONG to bring a child up this way. They have suggested I feed the child a traditional diet and let it decide for itself at 18 yrs old if it wants to be a vegetarian or not. Using that logic, how could you justify raising your child in any particular religion instead of letting it choose when it gets older? My family seems to think I'll be denying the child something profound by not letting them take it to McD's for a happy meal. I don't want to exclude my mom and entire family from our lives, but I fear and dread that they will argue with me and try to sabotage every decision we make.

[~Nikki~]

Rofl, it's threads like these that make me feel a bit better that I haven't even heard from my mother in over 2 years. She truly is a psycho, though. She stopped speaking to me, my sisters, and our entire family, about a month before I got pregnant with my first child. Why, you might ask? Because her husband, my step-father, told her to. I won't get into all of the gory details, but my mother has no mind of her own, and does anything for whatever man she happens to be with at the time, including abandoning her own children. So she missed my entire pregnancy, and the birth of her first and only grandchild, and will not be a part of this pregnancy, either. Ironic, considering that she's been looking forward to grandchildren since I was in diapers. Ah well, it was her choice.

My MIL, thankfully, is great. My SIL was infinitely more crunchy than I am, with her first child, so she paved the way and took the brunt of the critisizm for this type of child-rearing. I can send my daughter over to my in-law's house with a bag of cloth diapers and expressed breastmilk, and she doesn't bat an eyelash. It's great.

[Fluffhead]

Can you place complaints about DH in here too? I almost started a new thread but figured i would keep the complaining in one place.

Since being pregnant, especially the last week or so, I dont want anything to do with the male figure. What is this about? Is this normal? Everything he does *appears* to be so opposite any kind of thinking towards preparing for a baby...meanwhile my thoughts are almost soley centered on the kids or this baby. Today is my first official appt and I am planning on at least an hour with the mw....this is an important milestone for me....but DH is off in his own la-la land world. Anyone else feel this way sometimes? Or am I just plain silly?

[Awaken]

Originally Posted by JSerene

One final note, we're vegetarians and my whole family thinks its WRONG WRONG WRONG to bring a child up this way. They have suggested I feed the child a traditional diet and let it decide for itself at 18 yrs old if it wants to be a vegetarian or not. Using that logic, how could you justify raising your child in any particular religion instead of letting it choose when it gets older? My family seems to think I'll be denying the child something profound by not letting them take it to McD's for a happy meal..

Whoa, I had to laugh b/c that is SO TRUE for us, too! At least someone else out there is going through the same thing And we are going to the inlaws for TG, and of course we aren't going to have turkey...she takes it as a personal insult that my dh is a vegetarian- as if he is doing this b/c he hated all the food she cooked growing up. :

[Karennnnn]

These are great but remind me more of mother in law situations lol!
My mom isn't psycho but there is something funny about how she feels about me having a home birth.
She hasn't really expressed too much concern but kind of scrunches up her face and sometimes makes comments.
What's funny is that I was born at home.
Accidentally of course lol...
My dad delivered me and promptly tied my cord with an apron string Then they didn't know what to do with me so instead of being picked up I laid between her legs till the ambulance got there lmao!!!!!!
So it's just funny... A controlled situation with professionals is what I'm talking about; what happened with me was unexpected and of course all was well. It's further proof that birth works; babies and moms know what to do, etc. Although I think she was a little shocked; I wonder what would have happened if she had even humored something like that happening.
Karen

[paniscus]

I LOVE this thread!! My mom is driving me crazy. Actually my whole family is driving me crazy. This is not at all what I had pictured for my first pregnancy. Since I have told everyone I am pregnant (just a few weeks) my mom was offended my my MIL ("we have been so excited about this grandbaby - we didn't even think about it being yours also"), my mom offended my MIL ("It is just so different when it is your daughter who is pregnant instead of your son."), dh has offended my mom/brother ("she is not irritable" - said in a cranky tone to my brother because they keep teasing him about how awful life must be to be living with a cranky pregnant woman). Without getting into long explanations I can assure you ALL of these comments were totally misunderstood by the offended party.

The other thing going on is I have mentioned to my mom and MIL that we plan on cosleeping. So then I explain what that means. Then finally when compelled to speak the first thing out of both of their mouths was "Is it safe?" WTF? No, it is totally unsafe but we are deciding to do it anyway!!

So far I haven't had to deal with any more comments about being at the birth or the mw appts like I was complaining about on the other thread.

My biggest issue is with my mom. I will try to keep this vent short but sometimes they take off and get a mind of their own, kwim? So my brother's "girlfriend" is preg and due a few months before me. This girl secretly went off birth control to get pregnant so my brother would marry her, he fell for it but then she backed out and said she was getting an abortion (she calls him at work to tell him on the phone : ). She doesn't even pretend to care about him and basically treats him like her slave - he works, cleans, cooks, everything. She won't even bend over to pick up a toy off the floor at her feet because "she is preg." She sits at home doing nothing all day (now, before you get mad at me for thinking just because she stays home doesn't mean she isn't working - I stay home and I do a ton of work around the house. I know what it is like to be super busy all day and then have someone say "what do you do all day?" This is not that situation. She lays in bed all day until he comes home from work.) He is basically her meal ticket out of a bad situation. In the 3.5 months they have been together (they only started a serious relationship when she got preg.) they have broken up at least 2x and she has moved out at least 3x. There is so much more but I have probably said too much already. My brother is super excited about having a "family". So now on to my mom. My mom knows how I feel about my brother's situation - I don't care to talk about it, I don't care to think about it. Everytime I talk about my pregnancy she has to bring up something with the "gf's" pregnancy or something about the "gf's" 2 yr old. My mom wants me to leave the land of reality and become a member of her fantasy land where everything is perfect and wonderful (my mom prefers to live in fantasy land - this isn't new). Almost every time we talk she ends up crying because I don't accept the "gf". It is just so complicated to talk to my mom now. I can either sit back and listen while my mom dreams of having "all of her grandbabies" over to the house (oh, I wish you guys had all the history of this relationship so you would know what a joke this is!) or I can try to open the door and let a little reality in and then she ends up crying or just saying "everything is going to be fine". I don't even like talking to her about my pregnancy because of this situation and I am so sad because of it. This is not how I thought it would be. So I talk more to my MIL because there are so few complications and so much happiness on that side. Now my mom is becoming defensive and protective about my brother. Saying things like "well, you don't know that your dh will be there for you just because you are married" or "you know your brother wasn't so sure your dh was right for you either" or "your dh was so rude to your brother. He was just trying to talk about some common ground (see comment above about having a cranky preg. wife)." Anyway, I am so saddend by all of this. My mom is the queen of guilt. I feel like I am just being a spoiled child not getting my way but all I want is to just enjoy my pregnancy without having all the other complications.

Well, I just realized how much I wrote and there are so many other issues with my mom but I feel so much better just talking about it. Thanks ladies.

[Meli65]

My mom is usually bearable, but she had knee replacement surgery a couple of months ago (something she put off for years) and has had a VERY slow recovery. Once she got home she caught a virus and so now everytime I call her, it goes like this:

"Hello?"
"Hi, Mom"
"Oh, hi Meliss, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine. How are you?"
"Oh .... {big sigh}..... okay. {Pause} .... Just okay."

I feel cold-hearted but it is the SAME THING every time we talk. I try to help, go for visits, try to get her out of the house (she skipped ds's 3rd birthday party over the weekend because she didn't feel up to it -- we live ten minutes away), suggest she talk to her doctor. I KNOW she is depressed, but she has never been one to accept help and she's certainly not now. She just sits in her chair all day every day and watches CNN with my aunt and eats frozen dinners -- I'd be depressed too!

Not to mention I'd like some help -- maybe watch ds for an afternoon so I can rest?

[paniscus]

Melissa - I get the same thing with my mom when I ask how she is doing. She had a "simple" eye operation (I know any operation is still an operation but my MIL had the same thing and slept the rest of the day and then was fine). She wanted us all to be there (I live 9.5 hrs away and my brother lives 5 hrs away) to help her after the surgery. We all joked and said that we didn't realize it was open heart eye surgery!! That was months ago and we still hear about it .

[punkprincessmama]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...25#post2318125


*sigh*