Anyone else dealing with a crazy mom? - Page 2

[~OceanPotion~]

Thanks Leomom If you can find the name of that book it would be great. My mother also calls 4+ times a day-I just let most calls go through the answering machine now. This has been a bad week Ive had a migraine and my mothers drama is full steam ahead. I am tired of the drinking, lying, emotional abuse, physical threats, money hounding, and strings attached to everything....but she reminds me daily how ungrateful I am and that I don't know anything about her illness (Im trying to understand). Im glad this thread is here because I have no one to talk to about this irl. Thanks mamas

[leomom]

Ocean Potion,
I can't find the name of that book, but I'll call the counselor who recommended it to me and ask her on Monday.

Also, she recommended the book The Dance of Anger by by Harriet Lerner. It is really a great book and helped me to break some of the unhealthy patterns in my family. I wasn't able to change the dance between my mom and me (still working on that) but it helped to keep from continuing the pattern in other relationships. I highly recommend it!

I'll post next week with the name of the other book.

Have a great weekend, Mamas!

[leomom]

Ocean Potion, The book I was telling you about is An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. I haven't read it, but it's supposed to give a real insight into manic depression. HTH.

[tinybutterfly]

*

[mamasoulsista]

Originally Posted by mamamaya

Um...me...I currently live with my mom who is an ex achoholic and *thinks* she is bipolar. Although my psychiatrist has assured me she's not. She probably has a personality disorder and anxiety and depression.

Anyways, I'm the oldest, and I've been the one who has taken most of the brunt of her bad decisions, been told everything that's happened to anyone in our family is my fault (oh no, never hers, she's always the victim, you know ).

I'm going to counseling right now to try to get some self esteem back, and learn how to deal with her, and my husband who is just like her. My other sisters don't talk to her anymore, but I just kind of look at it like, she's crazy, and try not to take it personally.

I've been looking for you (or any other woman who has this type of mother). I'm 35 and have been in therapy since I left home at 18 to try to figure out why my mother hates me and loves my brother. I'm older by 5 years, and basically acted like his mother because our family life made me the one in charge and then I'd get screamed at for acting like his mother. CRAZY!!

Anyway, my current therapist identified that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. She gave me a book to read that explained the dx and there are 4 prototypes ( I think) and she is defnitely the "queen."

Does your mom have this too?

It's so hard to have a women who is highly functional, very intelligent and everyone loves her on the outside, and they think I"m selfish, and awful for not talking to my mother for periods of time. She's so manipulative, cruel, entitled, and ALWAYS the victim of problems in every relationship.

I apologize if this isn't the correct place to post this. I just saw this post and stopped reading because I was about to start a new thread seeing if anyone else has a mother with the same dx.

Joey

[Jane]

Originally Posted by mamasoulsista

I'm 35 and have been in therapy since I left home at 18 to try to figure out why my mother hates me and loves my brother.

goldenchild syndrom AKA goldenboy syndrome
I don't know why, but it sure is common. I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Pynki]

Me.. My mother is bipolar and schizopherenic.. Funny how often those things go together huh..

My mother blames me for every wrong that has happened in her life.. It's one thing to believe she blames you for her miscarraige when you were 17, and another to hear the words from her mouth..

Again this summer she said I ruin everything because I wouldn't give into her.. So.. I too am not talking to my mother.. My sister thinks I am being cruel because she is ill, but she refuses to get help.. She is ever the victim, and can take no responsibility for her life.. I refuse to mother my mother any long..

Warm Squishy Understanding feelings..

Dyan

[3_opihi]

Anyway, my current therapist identified that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. She gave me a book to read that explained the dx and there are 4 prototypes ( I think) and she is defnitely the "queen."

My mom is the "victim". Instead of ever taking responsibility for any of the crap she pulls - she blames it on someone else, or makes it seem like she *had* to do it to get by, or she's the "victim" of someone elses controlling behavior. Whatever. She started in with me the other day -"you're accusing me, belittling me, blah blee blah blah blah..." And I just plain said to her, "you know, there's more than one way to be controlling. why don't you think about that?"



The only reason I keep bringing up controlling so much is because that's what she says people are trying to do to her whenever they call her on her sh**. Its freaking exhausting. Counseling has been such a godsend. For so long I thought that *I* was the crazy one. I totally thought I was an irrational control freak. Now I know that its completely not the case. Sheesh. Don't you love what our parents do to us?

[whatever]

my mom is dreadful. I can hardly bring myself to speak to her, and usually hang up when she calls.

I saw her for a couple of hours the other day when Iwas viviting my hometown, and it made me feel so BAD. I just want to run away from her.

I don't know what is wrong with her really. She had some psychotic delusional episodes last winter and finally got some help, but the trouble started long ago.

She is so narcissistic - EVERY little thing has to be about her.

Bleh. Hugs to you mamas - it is sooooo hard.

[mamasoulsista]

Originally Posted by mamamaya

My mom is the "victim". Instead of ever taking responsibility for any of the crap she pulls - she blames it on someone else, or makes it seem like she *had* to do it to get by, or she's the "victim" of someone elses controlling behavior. Whatever. She started in with me the other day -"you're accusing me, belittling me, blah blee blah blah blah..." And I just plain said to her, "you know, there's more than one way to be controlling. why don't you think about that?"

Are you married? I've found the defense skills I developed as a kid to deal with her, have seeped over into my relationship with DH. I actually went to Alanon (for adult children) for years to try to help me develop some better skills at having relationships. I have to say, I'm lucky that DH can tolerate my mother when she is in my life and support my unhappiness during that time. But now that I have a child, I find that I"m less tolerant of her control and ever changing behavior. My wish behind world peace, is that she would see a therapist, and get self diagnosed and get soem help. Yeah right..

Anyone else find that dealing with mother (independent of dx) had effected their marriages?? What about allowing unsupervised time between your moms and your kids. HELL NO for me....

[charmarty]

Add me to the list please. Will return later to reveal my mother.
to all you mamas.

[Pynki]

My mother is under no circumstances allowed alone time with my children.. We let her her watch the boys one evening last year when we went to "return of the King" since they were both old enough to talk and tell us what went on, and it was almost bedtime..

My son has breathing problems.. She knows this.. She smoke outside her apartment we I am would be there with the the boys because of his lung issues..

We picked them up after the movie and ds1 had thrown up.. She had smoked the entire time they were there and had fed them chips and sunny delight.. Both of which I told her they didn't need..

NO!! My mother is not allowed alone time with my boys.. Matter of fact.. We are all much happier since we stopped speaking the end of this summer..

Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan

[mamasoulsista]

This is what I struggle with... DS is 20 months old. When he was born, mother and I weren't getting along very well because somehow my pregnancy became her life and I needed some space to have this experience with my partner/husband. She was furious that I hired a labor doula and didn't want her anywhere near us until after the birth.

So after his birth I had this thought. If I keep him away from her, like all children, he'll create a loving, kind grandmother who offers perfect love, support, etc. If I try to have scheduled, supervised visits, he'll form his own interpretation of who she is. So we would have lunch with her once a month, and that worked well. Well, she got fired in August from her job (everyone's fault but hers) and she's got all this time to manipulate and make my life crazy. She's really good at creating impossible or uncomfortable obstacle courses for me to navigate in order for me to prove that I"m worthy of her love, respect, and calm demeanor and positive behavior.

Long story, not worthy of the details, we haven't talked since 2 days before Halloween. ( I"ve taken years of time off from talking with her in the past just to get my head back to a healthy place) Now DS get's on his play phone and talks with Nana. Yikes, what is my time off from her doing to him? At least when he saw her regularly, he was weary of her but he was comfortable as long as I didn't leave him a lone with her. KWIM?

God I"m so glad you're all here. This time of year is so hard to be her daughter.

[MoMommy]

to everyone. While it's sad to hear these stories, it helps to know there are other mamas going through the same thing.

My MIL is bipolar, schizophrenic, an alcoholic, and has dealt with drug addiction off and on. She doesn't do anything all day but drink, chain smoke, and sit on her couch and call people to complain about things. I used to bend over backwards to be nice to her but no more. Ever since dd was born, she has been saying terrible things about me to other family members. She is bitter because we won't let her watch dd EVER and hardly even go over to their house. Some days I feel like I just can't take it anymore. I wish I (and dd) never had to see her again but, for the sake of dh, we will continue to put up with her crap.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[LisainCalifornia]

My mom has severe problems too. She has been on many different medications throughout her life--mostly Xanax and pain pills. She had a small stroke last year, and detoxed while she was in the hospital, so now she is only on Prozac and high blood pressure meds.

She was terribly abusive to me growing up. Yelling, hitting, throwing things at me and racing around in the most vile, evil moods most of the time. Every holiday was spent with her boiling over with anger at having to cook a holiday meal. I was always the "dutiful daughter" and just took it while trying to help her, until one day I told her off when I was 16 and she raced around the house trying to cut her wrists with a knife and take handfuls of pills while I tried to stop her. That was the only time I have ever "talked back" to her.

Now she is much calmer--but still has many problems. I feel very duty bound to take care of my parents and meet their emotional needs--but it is exhausting, so I understand what you are going through. My mom calls me 2-3 times a day too, and they come to visit all the time. I feel like I am always taking care of someone--either my kids or my parents.

It is physically and mentally exhausting.

[~OceanPotion~]

Just wanted to send positive thoughts out to all you mamas. Im glad this thread was started and we have a place to chat, vent, etc. about our mothers.

[tinybutterfly]

*

[MsMoMpls]

Tinybutterfly- please don't erase this. Nothing you said is disrespectful or mean- and it is so important to acknowledge your truth... here where it is safe and internally. This is what life is like for you. The problem with a narcisistic parent is that they make everything about them. The classic example I use about my mother is she actually said "You don't know how hard your miscarriage was on me." My miscarriage!!! On her??? That was her attempt at being supportive. There is a wonderful book called "Trapped in the Mirror" about parents like ours. It really helped me not feel so crazy and has helped me to help other daughters as well. Think about the attachment work we are all so committed to. When you have a parent who can't see anyone's needs or feelings as different from their own, they respond inconsistently at best. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and narcissism is the inability to do this. And it usually comes from the lack of thier own appropriate attachment. So- in my mother's case, her father died when she was 3 months old. I would guess, that no matter how wonderful her mother was, she was pretty depressed and overwhelmed being left alone with three small children during WWII. So, she kept my mother clean and fed but just couldn't engage or respond to her in full attachment. So when I came along, my mother tried. She breastfed and stayed home and loved us but she really couldn't do the intimacy work because she didn't have it in her. So then my babes come along and I can do better than she did, because she did better than her mother did. But I know intimacy still scares me sometimes and attachement work is what I believe in but when I struggle with it, I know that it is about not getting all I needed as a little girl. See the cycle? This is really important to understand if we are working at being better parents than we had which is the hardest thing in the world to do. Which is one reason I get so much out of these boards and all the wise women I find here.

[LisainCalifornia]

Tiny butterfly,
We have so much in common

I *so* understood when you said that you may come back later and erase your post--because I almost came back to erase mine a few times too, and still may. It is so hard to put the pain out there, and then you feel those familiar feelings of "guilt" about sharing that pain that you carry around with you all the time.

I just had my first visit to a psychologist yesterday to talk about my mom and how I can better handle dealing with my parents now that they are older and the very complex issues of them being dependent on me after such a horrific childhood.

The psychologist said the same thing about my mom--that it sounded like she had "borderline personality disorder". She gave me some information on it, and reading through it I see that fits her so well. She really is mentally ill, but she put me through so much unspeakably terrible stuff when I was a child that I almost feel embarrassed to tell anyone, and it is so painful to think of sharing it in therapy and trying to deal with it. I am angry to have to bring it up all over again, but again I know that in the midst of my calm, happy life with my kids and wonderful husband I carry around all that pain and angst like a 100 pound weight on my head, and it colors everything I do--even the good stuff.

My kids love my mom so much too--and thank God they have only seen the happy, over the top wild super grandma and not the woman I was forced to live with all those years. But I am still very cautious about certain situations with her, and that causes problems because she always needs to have the control in our relationship.

[hrheka]

Wow, I really feel for all of you but also cannot believe how much of my mother I hear in all of yours. My mom is an alcoholic and abused drugs when I was younger. I am sure she is suffering from mental illness but could not even begin to diagnose her.

I have not spoken to her since August. Her mother, my grandmother, was also an alcoholic and my early memories of her are terrible. Now that I have my daughter I could not bear to think of her having these experiences with my mother so I confronted her about her illness. The conversation was long, she kep trying to change the subject and I cried a lot. At the end I said, "Mom, I really cannot deal with your drinking anymore, you can either choose to see your granddaughter & me or you can continue drinking." And with no pause she responded, "I'd rather keep drinking." I offered her every type of help I could think of but after this statement coming out so easily I hurt so much that I said if she changed her mind and wanted help to call me but otherwise I would not speak to her again.

since then she has told my aunt that she stopped drinking but that if I called and asked her about it she would tell me she was still drinking because its none of my business.

Its been very painful but I have to say that not having her calls at all hours of the night and day and her meaness and her endangering my life with her drunk driving has slowly allowed my anxiety levbels to lower.

I feel for all of you and am glad we have found other people to share our experiences with and get support from.