Why I love Being a Single Mother - Page 16

[forthebest]

Originally Posted by paakbaak

someone said this a few posts back:
*i love how nobody makes me feel guilty about spending time with my children. loved this one!
*just doing what i feel like doing about me, my son, my house, everything!!!

i write this just as i`m moving out of my partner`s apartment, back to my mom`s and dreaming of my own place for my son and i!

paakbaak, I hope your transition is as good as it can be and you get a place of your own before long.
I also love 'nobody makes me feel guilty about spending time with my children', so simple yet so articulate and true. Someone else also simply said ' we can be happy' that has been so true for us too. Also someone said 'I like coming home',so true and I still years down the line enjoy coming home to a happy home,every.last.time. A home with the potential to be happy is a great thing to work with. When that potential is never there we are left with pain and sadness. Incredible that we should end up feeling prisoners in our own homes and relationships, not a good place to be.
Someone else said, 'I don't have to be responsable for his moods'. I'm shocked at how many women have gone through such similar stuff to myself within partnerships.
This thread is really empowering and helps put things in a different, more positive perspective.
I've been on my own for many years now and I love the steady calm and emotional growth in my life this allows. Not that all men are selfish tyrants, I know some excellent Dads/hubbies/partners who really are there for their families and are obviously mature and happy within themselves but someplace down the line many,many men are unable to break out of the domineering role they play, such a sad thing as many families have to go through a nightmare to change course. This issue rarely comes up when the media discusses the 'breakdown of the nuclear family' or single moms, as in so many areas the 'blame' gets neatly placed on the womans shoulders, somewhere down the line SHE has gone wrong/failed and indeed forcing, by law, that women stay within abusive relationships was/is seen as justifiable in keeping marriages/family together. Now we can leave and survive maybe even thrive with some support, but people really don't like women being on their own especially with children cos they are still living the lie of man as provider, somehow it threatens them to face facts. Just like here in UK as I suspected substance/alcohol abuse can play a huge part in the inability to be a decent parent/partner. Good luck all.

[ginger_rodgers]

It's -- OMG! It's just over a year exactly since my divorce was final, and 3.5 year since I asked xh to find an apartment. And the thing that impresses me from here is how good life is now, how much room there is to make it better, and how much of the pain, trouble, and fear was generated by my trying to hold xh and my family together, and by xh himself. I realize I've pushed very hard to instill in dd the idea that she's being raised and cared for by a family, but the reality is that it's mostly me, and that's been true for a long time. And without the trouble and fear, it's a groovy thing.

We've been doing more after-school activities lately -- work, thank God, has slowed down for a while. We're at the recreation center now 3, 4 times a week, and at the skating rink on Saturday afternoons. Today at breakfast she asked if we could go play basketball after school, and -- yes, yes we can, for a little while. I do this. I make sports, culture, religion, world affairs, ethics, stories part of her life. I make playdates and lunches and teach her in the kitchen. There's no mourning anymore after the sense that a man should be in the house somewhere.

I still think sometimes about finding another man, marrying again. But I come back to reality: I think it would be more of the same. Not necessarily dealing with a man's mental illness, but nursing hurt feelings because he tried to ride roughshod over me, or because he was undemonstrative, or left his share of responsibilities to me. Or because he felt I owed him sex, or because he behaved like another child to take care of.

I'm grateful not to be dragging a man through this recession. Worrying about his ego, building him up, dealing with his various small meannesses and rationalizing them as his worrying about us, fighting over how to handle a long dry spell for money. I'm relieved not to be playing the game where you carry the man but pretend he's your protector, and cling to him. I've been pretty calm about this thing while watching married friends fall apart or get the frozen smile, even though they're all a lot richer than me and some have their husbands' tenure lines to rely on. It hit me last week that the problem for them is less money that it is sexual politics: they've got that built-in structure where the man is the provider, and if he's not, he's not a man. So my friends' job now is to be ultrafeminine, need rescue, and make extra money without somehow undermining his sense of manliness. It's a relief not to be doing that, and I realized a week or so ago that many men, even men I like, would regard my matter-of-factness as a real slap in the face, a demoralizing thing. They expect their wives to do the work of building them up.

In my house, the recession is an opportunity to start showing dd around the land of work, money, economics, home economy, tzedakah, personal responsibility, justice and mercy. She's only five, but she understands that when people lose jobs, they can't buy stuff, and then what happens to the stores? And the people who work there? And so on. What about these people who lost their homes, whom should we help, and why? What about those who got themselves in trouble? What about their kids? Etc.

I see now how much I've put up with to get along, and how things could be better. I'm looking now for places where I'd rather live, am more comfortable, have more freedom to do my own work and take care of my own health. This is really not a bad house, but the views are depressing, and here in the semi-rural Midwest I miss forests, miss cities. I don't mind hanging here on my own, but the fact is I don't belong here, and I'm not keen on my daughter's striving to be normal, sweet, and placid, or raising her in a place where Jewish culture really doesn't exist. (On her own, she explained Chanukah to her class this year, but I'm guessing she'll soon tire of being the ambassadress of Judaism there.) So I'm looking, slowly, and have it in mind that when she's twelve, maybe we'll move to Chicago, and let her out of the incubator here, let her grow, let me grow.

(OK, so I just checked housing prices on realtor.com, and -- holy crap -- I could buy a place in Evanston today. Small, but still -- I'm shocked. Wow. I could even keep this place and rent it out in case it turned out that college here would be smarter. Well, OK.)

I can't believe it's been a year. I should celebrate. Also, I should exercise now and clean my bathroom, and start getting grants stuff in order and do a little research for that job interview. Man, it feels so good to live as a human.

[BelovedK]

Bumping

[BelovedK]

Bump

[ginger_rodgers]

I'm just happy. Yes, the job market sucks, but there's no real trouble on my horizon for this year at least. I love knowing that my refi's in progress (I'm closing this month! And I get escrow money back! And I don't have a mortgage payment for March! And ex has to pay me $$!) and that the house is truly, truly mine. I'm back to work on my novel. Dd is a silly, happy, beautiful critter, even if she does say my kisses are stinky and gross. (!) For an old lady, I look my-T-fine. And I found a dance-aerobics video that has -- surprise -- a whole disco section. I totally had no idea how deeply the Locomotion and the Hitchhiker were embedded in my muscles. My hair feels totally feathered while I'm doing that vid. Toetally.

I can't put my finger on why, exactly, but I feel a distressingly deep sympathy for Woody Allen movies these days. I think it's genetic.

[Caprica]

I love the fact that I can buy as many pairs of shoes as I want, and instead of a complaint I get adored because my daughter has yet another pair she wear and dress up in.

[ian'smommaya]

hiya caprica! first post huh? so glad your in the single parents area. nice to meet you.

[DogwoodFairy]

1) I don't have to take phone messages anymore for someone who never returns his calls, and then next day have to talk to someone irate about why their call wasn't returned, and hear in an accusatory tone, "Didn't you give him the message?"

2) I don't have to VACUUM my couch off every day to remove dead skin from someone else's nasty peeling feet and dandruff flakes that they scratch while sitting naked on the furniture watching CSI.

3) My couch doesn't smell like ass anymore.

4) I will never have to endure another comment about how willing he would be to invest $5K to enhance my bust.

5) Silence at night - no more listening to the unbelievably grating sound of someone snoring, even from 3 rooms away.

6) I dont have to say to someone on a daily basis, "Pull your pants up, you look like a plumber".

7) I will NEVER again have to hear from another adult, calling from the bathroom, "Hey! Come check this out! You wont believe this poop!"

8) I can relax and read a book without being interrupted every 30 seconds with, "Where do we keep the scissors?", "Do you wash jeans in hot water or cold?", "Are these dishes in here dirty or clean?", "Have you seen my..."

9) No more TV.

10) No more TV.

11) No more TV.

12) I dont feel guilty for not shaving my legs.

13) No more obligatory sex.

14) I can get my hair cut as short as I like, or as "masculine"-looking as I want. Right now I'm sporting Joan Jett. And I LOVE it.

15) No more Hamburger Helper, Olive Loaf, Steak-Umms, or canned ravioli.

16) The garbage goes out on garbage day.

17) No more junk drawer full of obsolete crap.

18) I can recycle again :.

19) My son will be raised with my values, not my in-law's.

[ginger_rodgers]

Originally Posted by Socks for Supper

7) I will NEVER again have to hear from another adult, calling from the bathroom, "Hey! Come check this out! You wont believe this poop!"

What is it with these men? Hey -- could this be the tip-off? The "you got a rotten one" sign? The two decent ones in my life never, ever, ever did this, and I think they would've been aghast.

[ian'smommaya]

joan jett is teh hottest chick around. cereally.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3T_xeoGES8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RAQXg0IdfI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uW_HC...ext=1&index=23

that last one is cherry bomb. omg.

um being a single mom means i can teach ds to :heart: joan jett and never let him hear of the jonas brothers.

[DogwoodFairy]

Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers

What is it with these men? Hey -- could this be the tip-off? The "you got a rotten one" sign? The two decent ones in my life never, ever, ever did this, and I think they would've been aghast.

And to think, when we first met and the ex would do this to me, I was afraid of offending HIM, and I would dutifully troop into the bathroom and comply. :

And I cant help but wonder, upon reflection, what did he want me to do? Salute it? Gasp? Sympathize with it?

Is this one of those, "See how manly I am" things?

[MaMaLaLa10]

i Just want to say... this thread really helped me look at being a single mom in a different light..
i'm 3 months pregnant and i've already had to come to terms with the fact i will be doing this alone...
THANK YOU to all the mothers who replied to this thread. & the one who started it!!.. i feel so much more confident with what i will be going through soon!
=) you guys all rock!!

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by MaMaLaLa10

i Just want to say... this thread really helped me look at being a single mom in a different light..
i'm 3 months pregnant and i've already had to come to terms with the fact i will be doing this alone...
THANK YOU to all the mothers who replied to this thread. & the one who started it!!.. i feel so much more confident with what i will be going through soon!
=) you guys all rock!!

The one who started it rocks especially. She has inspired me so much over the years. Good luck on your journey...bumpy but so rewarding!!

[DogwoodFairy]

[tt7]

Wow-I just called the attorney this morning. I am scared, so this is helpful. I wish I could speak with you'all...

[transformed]

[transformed]

Originally Posted by mamarhu

I LOVE this thread! I re-read it every now and then, and even if I don't chime in, y'all remind me to appreciate the wonderful life my Dumplings and I have. Today my 8YO Dumpling wrote a poem their Dad would never have appreciated:

There are icicles on the bicycles, and frost is on the grass.
If I went for a walk on the ice, I'd slip and fall on my ........


hands and knees.

I just wanted to bump this again because your dc is like a teenager now and I'll bet you want to remember this.

[ian'smommaya]

i needed this thread tonight. needed the reminder generally lately. thanks.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by maybelle

And, I love that I can now wear patchoulli !

If I ever get to be a single mom (which I am hoping for) this is on my list already! You mean I am not alone?

My dh complains about Stupid hippys. My best friend said "Doesnt he know who he is married to?"

I am so excited reading this thread, and at the same time the actual divorce process is so freaking stupid. I AM a hippy - I think if you dont want to be with someone anymore, you should move on. Not go through a million gazillion stupid processes to let you be free.

Anyways. :

[ian'smommaya]

hmmmm. patchouli.