Why I love Being a Single Mother - Page 21

[meandmine]

 I have been a "single mom" for 3 1/2 years (hard to believe).  The divorce was final 3 years after he moved out (yes, it can take that long when one person drags their heels--the person who wanted out, no less).

Anyway, I haven't felt like loving this single life much in the 3 1/2 years, but maybe I am getting there now.  Things that are better:

1.  Not feeling like I have commited a sin when I go to the dry cleaner or have a cleaning lady

2.  Not feeling resentful because my "partner" doesn't do my perception of "his share" since he simply isn't here to do it

3.  Having the house SO much neater and nicer because I don't share it with a slob who does not care any more

4.  Feeling incredibly competent: got a new career; quite good at it; pay the bills; keep our lives in a semblance of order

5.  Amazed at how civilly I can treat X

6.  Beginning to have a social life that involves inviting people over again after years of being overwhelmed by that and resentful of X's lack of help

There is lots that is much harder, but I would not go back to married life with him, so that tells me this is better even if it wasn't originally my idea.

M

[habitat]

...

[Dacks]

The thing I think most appeals to me when planning my single motherhood (eventually) is that I won't have to put my kid's safety in the hands of someone I don't trust. My EX had horrible driving habits, extremely angry tailgating and yelling and driving too fast. He swore up and down that my defensive driving was way way less safe than his 'expert' aggressive driving. He terrified me, and was even angry when I tensed up and held the door handle while we were so close to the other car that I couldn't see their license plate. It should have been my first sign not to marry him. Eventually, I understood that even if he had a precious child in the car, he would be driving just like that. 

[sawingjello]

Ahhhhh.  Big exhale. 

I am signing a lease today for a cute vintage duplex that me and my baby will move into in 7 weeks.  It is a place he never would have agreed to.

I have loved reading every single post in this thread.  Yes yes yes to all of them.

Here are some of the things I am looking forward to:

-I think I will stop feeling like a shell of my former self.

-I will be able to express my wants and needs without feeling selfish or outlandish.

-I won't have to feel guilty anymore about "killing his dreams" by not being more supportive of his music than only giving up our two car garage to his band and giving him up two nights a week for his band practices. 

-No more sitting inside with our baby during band practice and the consumption/partying that goes with it twice a week.

-I am pretty sure my stomach issues will clear up.

-I am pretty sure this heavy feeling on my chest will lift. 

-My baby will not have to listen to fighting every day.

-I don't have to take his clutter to my new place.

-No more in-law visits and all the passive-aggressive interactions with MIL.

-No more out of control lawn or over-flowing trash cans.

-No one to blow all the money but me.

[accountclosed16]

1. Having a clean house and that I am not accused of being OCD about it. : )

2. Answering to only myself and my child about our choices in life. People can second guess, but they ain't living with me.

3. Living a healthy lifestyle and not feeling weird or sneaking green smoothies to my DS.

4. Laughing more, loving more, drinking a little more of the wine of life.

5. Undisturbed sleep. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

6. Being able to pick up and go go go without having to check in with someone or get an approval of sorts and no worries about a curfew. : )

7. Living in a calm, peaceful, happy environment that is free of debbie downers and the constant put downs and little dings.

8. No more buying special food for just ONE person who enjoys it. : )

9. We watched movies all day Saturday and ate pizza and homemade popcorn all day...no one complained or otherwise.

10. Less clothing to wash and I can now hang it outside with the questions.

11. No more begging nicely to get something done and then just ending up doing it myself.

12. No CLUTTER

13. No more LOUD TV at all hours of the night.

14. A clean car

Shall I keep going???? : )

[accountclosed16]

15. Having a social life again and having no one commenting on how many times I text a day or how long I am on the phone. BIG HUGE DEAL!!!!!

16. Not hearing that I am turning our boy into a softy because I hug him and try to explain things to him instead of just yelling at him to be a man.

17. No more begging for family time.

18. Not having to explain why I need pedicures and get my nails done twice a month when he would go and spend $$$$ on crap for only himself.

19. Having more money and knowing where every cent is going.

20. Finally getting my son the smaller dog he and I wanted..EX said they were for stuck up people.

21. Having more time for me and DS because I get stuff done and over without having to worry about his comments or his crankiness (seriously, who sleeps THAT much???)

22. Not being told for the thousandth time "Wait just 2 minutes." and waiting and nothing happening.

23. No more sex. I know TMI---but for me, it is not that important. I am really happy without it. Seriously.

24. I can wear my cowgirl boots and hat or a long skirt and a tank top without being made fun of.

25. Gosh I can keep going..remind me again why I got married????

26. Never getting married again...priceless.

[accountclosed16]

27. My bedroom has hot pink in it.

28. I burn candles and love the smell.

29. A clean toilet.

30. I never have to cook bacon again.

31. Driving safely and not having my DS learn to flip people off and swear.

[zebra15]

1. A clean house

2. I get to control what comes in the house and what leaves the house

3. Its so quiet in here, no yelling

4. The only tears are when I need to cry, not when someone made me cry

5. I can decorate how ever I dang will please - my son's room is done in Paris stuff (he loves French/France)  His father would have a fit if he ever saw the room

6. I can read when/what I want. Someone thought reading was a 'waste of time'

[newmomlearning]

This is an inspiring thread!

1). My life makes sense again.  I am able to see things as they are, not how I wanted them to be & they never were.

[accountclosed16]

32. I own a convertible and not some gas guzzling huge arse truck I can't park.

33. No more one upping me just because.

34. No more clutter. I gave away or sold 90% of what we had and I love it.

35. I can do yoga in the middle of my living room while my son plays Legos and no one is making fun of me.

36. No more be blamed for DS's shortcoming..really..he is 5.

37. No more embarrassing rants and raves in public by a grown man.

38. No more explaining when I do shop and what I bought.

39. No more putting the dog before the family. Seriously.

40. Letting DS talk and not be interuppted and it frustrating him. ; )

41. Watching DS not have the behavorial problems he did around his father.

42. No more talking to DS in that "tone" of I really am bored with you and I hate dealing with you but I have too...

43. Taking my DS to live country music on family nites and enjoying dancing around with him. ; )

44. No one telling me I am too happy or too nice...WTF????

45. No more pretending in public to be happily married.

46. Not repeating myself for the 100th time over where something is or just having to repeat it because he wasn't listening to me the first time.

47. Taking complete credit for my DS and his manners, his smarts and his sweetness..all of which get complimented on all the time.

48. No more having to pat someone on the back for wiping down a sink and thinking they just climb Mt. Everest.

49. Let my hair go white/gray and funky and no more you are old comments. I am a hot chick with white hair. : )

Just yesterday, I woke up in my simple bedroom...just a bed with yummy sheets and a blanket. I have some pretty curtains up and all my clothes were hung up in the closet. I was very grateful.

Edited by accountclosed16 - 7/13/11 at 5:34am

[kt~mommy]

wow, so many pages of happy things to read! THANKS LADIES! and for me, so encouraging to see so many signatures from the first pages having new relationships and new babies in their lives now years later...
 

I *know* my bills have been paid, and I never worry about losing our electricity

amen. no student loan creditors calling, no more notices that car insurance has been cancelled, no more traffic tickets for my tabs being expired because he forgot to put them on (and would get mad at me for asking to do it myself), no more being yelled at for being upset about bills being neglected and being disallowed to do them myself.

 

Originally Posted by woo27ks 

Everyone that lives in our house is cherished.

making me tear up!

Originally Posted by boston 

-But mainly, the best of all is the Peace.

i soooooo agree with this!

 

some of my own:

1. no more constant anxiety

2. no more retreating inside of myself just to survive the day emotionally

3. no more pretending everything is fine with my family

4. no more extended family outings where stbx storms off and i have to explain why or feel the awkwardness of not explaining

5. no more constant intervention in parenting styles (harshness and lots of yelling) between stbx and our son

[kt~mommy]

Originally Posted by woo27ks 

I wanted to add another reason.... We ( myself and my x) could never have been the parents we are today if we would have stayed together. For some reason we couldn't support each other ...we got in each other's way. Now that we're apart our kids have a great mom and a great dad who can focus on them instead of their messed up marriage.

This is a great thread. It celebrates the courage it takes to strike out and create a life of our own for ourselves and our children.

Amanda

sooooooo agree!

Yes, ITA. We get along better, can support each other so much better now that we are apart. If we start arguing about something we can just walk away and not have it encompass our whole lives cause we live together. We can actually be around each other and do things as a whole family without problems. I think it is great for my kids to have cooperative parents to be around. Much better than fights every single day.

and to both of you guys, how is it going to have cooperative relationships with your ex'es?  This is what i would most like, and 6 months in, this is what we have now, but i've been getting flack from others about still being "emotionally married" because we still support each other... i want to argue why can't we be friends? 

[accountclosed15]

I just like the peace and quiet. I downsized our lives to the point that it is very manageable now and I can spend oodles of time with my son and doing they things we both like. I also like having an opinion and discussing with others why and why not instead of being told that my opinion was just wrong, all the time.

Another HUGE deal for me is that I went to the store the other day to get somethings I have been saving up for to spruce up the house. I didn't have to think about HE would feel about the things I chose nor why did I pick THAT...I am making a nice, happy, healthy home for me and my boy. Oh..and my stuff is not getting ruined by his dirty behind. : )

[Kaitlyn811]

So, I'm about to be a single mom in January, and I absolutely adore this thread..especially when I'm having bad days like today. But how did you all get over the loneliness? I'm 6 months pregnant with my first, and I don't know if it's because I'm weak or what..but I'm so sad because I so badly want to sleep next to someone and love someone and be loved and you know? Crap, these hormones make me cry even just typing it out. What's wrong with me? ):

[Mom31]

You are not weak just human.  Hugs mama to be. I get lonely to. And I am not pregnant that adds alot to what you have on your plate.

[animegeekmom]

Originally Posted by Kaitlyn811 

So, I'm about to be a single mom in January, and I absolutely adore this thread..especially when I'm having bad days like today. But how did you all get over the loneliness? I'm 6 months pregnant with my first, and I don't know if it's because I'm weak or what..but I'm so sad because I so badly want to sleep next to someone and love someone and be loved and you know? Crap, these hormones make me cry even just typing it out. What's wrong with me? ):

Nothing is wrong with you at all!!! I am very lonely too. And I feel likea spare wheel around everyone else b/c I am the only single mom I know. Everyone else is married. I feel like everyone forgot me.

[Kaitlyn811]

It's a really crappy feeling! I lead a relatively busy and full life, with school, work, and taking care of my family (cooking, cleaning) oh and the doggie of course, he loves attention. I have plenty of people who adore me and being around me...so why and how could I possibly feel lonely? I think it's because I'm so far away from where I thought I'd be..I'm glad I'm not alone though with feeling this way ):

[hazeldust]

For me its...

Having the chance to learn to get comfortable with being lonely. We all get lonely in or out of relationships, but as a single mother you are forced to come to terms with it...and find ways to deal and even appreciate it. It takes time Kaitlyn811. You are at the very beginning of this experience, and it's going to be difficult...I don't think it really gets easier, but you get stronger and then it seems to get easier...

I think being a single mother is an extremely unique experience. I think about this all the time, how the personal growth I've had wouldn't have been possible if I'd been in a relationship all this time. 

I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I love the simplicity of only having to deal with my self(insofar as adults in the house).

I love(and hate:-P) having total control of my future(well, as much control as I can have)...Mostly love it though, lol!

[stefinMI]

There are a plethora of reasons that this is great, and a few why couples parenting is awful!  

I'm the mother of a teenager and she understands now why I divorced her father.  He would like to have input into how I raise her, but it's WAY too late.  

I can't see being a mom any other way!

[stefinMI]

You can, I'm 15 years in and today we can talk and laugh at each others mixed up lives.  Like I'm a full time student (at 53), am trying to start a business, and have a teenager.  His family was in town and his sister asked me if I dated in my spare time.  My ex started to laugh before I did, I always tell him that spare time is a luxury that I don't have.  

OH!  I have to add to the list:

I can leave change around the house,

I can eat out of the pot in front of the TV without anyone calling me a pig

If we have ice cream for dinner, shyt, we eat

And, I never, EVER have to watch sports again